Need you opinion. Was I wrong or in the right ?

[whitewaterguy]

Looks like a win-win. I don't even enter cars that have been smoked in, never mind chicks

 

[peter4025]

Looks like a win-win. I don't even enter cars that have been smoked in, never mind chicks

This what people tell me about my car, however they are quick to pitch a ride when is -30 or pouring rain outside

 

[MissCroft]

You knew from the beginning that she was a smoker and now your trying to change her. No wonder she broke up with you she has to want to quit for herself not you.

I agree. Twice now I've dated men who knew I was an escort from the beginning and were sort of okay with it and then (a relatively short time) later asked me to quit. In one case, I was given an ultimatum and I don't handle those very well.

You basically started controlling the relationship. Not a good start.

Yep.

 

[oldjones]

You were wrong to ask her to 'make it official' when you knew she had an addiction you would not tolerate. What were you thinking? That you were such a prize she'd immediately change her life?

In your post, you described yourself: "I'm a very straight up person. I don't hold back.", and yet it reads as if the first time you brought up this significant point was after you proposed an official deal and she accepted. Like a car salesman who didn't mention the car had been in a crash. So did you just forget to mention it?

Never mind you didn't know her as well as you thought, I think you should put a bit more effort into getting to know yourself better.

 

[AmiAndrews]

You knew from the first date she was a smoker. Put yourself in her shoes: you ask to make if "official" after 5-6 dates, she agrees. Once that happens, she has to assume you're ok with her being a smoker. You then use the fact that you're now an "official" couple to bring up that maybe she should quit smoking. You've now come across as a dirtbag who moved things along before you classified her smoking as a deal-breaker.

I quit smoking 12 years ago & can no longer stand the smell, but IMO she has every right to be pissed off. A smoker definitely has to be ready to quit & she isn't. But she can see that there's no point wasting time with a guy who doesn't know enough to call a spade a spade at the proper time.

This. You shouldn't have asked to make it official if you knew this was going to bother you. A person will only change when they want to for themselves, not because someone else asks them to. It is not your job to change someone or push your beliefs and opinions on them regarding their health, or any other issue for that matter.
I'm sorry, but the relationship was set up to fail from the beginning. Move on.

 

[justfor]

Smoking is a disgusting habit I can't tolerate. More to my
disgust I often could not help taking my eyes off a sexy smoking
woman.

I am totally opposite to you on the second part, ie., I will not look back at her the second time if I saw her smoking.

 

[Barca]

I agree with those that say you should have brought it up sooner. She probably expected you were ok with it since you opted to make it official and THEN talked to her about quitting? I cringed when I read that and I'm not a smoker. She was smart in my opinion.

 

[DB123]

And I thought only women were naive enough to hope that their partner would change...

Not a chance. Many people hope for change. Its the expectation that is dangerous. Or worse, the attempts to force change.

Some people truly do just need the right motivation or a slight push, but most don't. People change when they are ready to and the last thing anyone would want is to be resented for trying to make something happen.

Also, having only tried one I can confidently say that smoking is as hard to kick as crack.

 

[spraggamuffin]

Usually it's the woman that tries to change the man.

One really should go into a relationship accepting of whatever flaws the other person has or not at all.

People are defensive and resistant to change. Can't say I blame them if the person making the request is still practically a stranger.

If you can't fully accept a person for who they are currently, it's best not to go forward with something more intimate.

Thinking you'll change someone by imposing your values on them could only be met with the exact reaction you got.

We all know smoking is bad and if you really love someone you want them to quit.

The other person may see you as controlling, bossy etc. Not a good start to any relationship.

Imagine this is something you know about the person out in the open.

What about into the relationship and you found out things even worse?

If you can't deal with something you know from the outset, imagine if you found out something more outrageous.

Let's say she was a slut fucking every Tom, Dick and Harry even while with you? How might you react to that?

 

[Terminator2000]

if a girl told me to stop smoking ..... or else.

i'd tell her to take a hike and never speak to her again.

here's the kicker.

i don't even smoke at all. (but if i did smoke...)

 

[DB123]

if a girl told me to stop smoking ..... or else.

i'd tell her to take a hike and never speak to her again.

here's the kicker.

i don't even smoke at all. (but if i did smoke...)

I went the other way...I totally lied

 

[MissCroft]

Usually it's the woman that tries to change the man.

Men have always tried to change me. I've had men just want me to be a 'barefoot and pregnant' wife and that's just not me.

One really should go into a relationship accepting of whatever flaws the other person has or not at all.

The other person may see you as controlling, bossy etc. Not a good start to any relationship.

Agreed.

 

[spraggamuffin]

Men have always tried to change me.

I wouldn't change a thing about you

Men can't handle a strongwilled woman who wants to do her own thing.

In relationships I guess there is always competition for dominant role.

Some try to gain an advantage by getting a headstart on things.

I myslef am easygoing and fall victim to the same thing.

I believe a great deal in freewill of others once it does not harm anyone.

Unfortunately, many don't feel this way.

I know you may not like everything about someone. Nobody's perfect.

I do believe in salvaging/compromising especially if you really love someone and can live with most things about them.

Not throwing the baby out with the bath water basically.

It's worth it to at least try to discuss the bad habit or whatever else but not nitpic a whole list of things that pretty much defines that person.

It's not right to try to force someone to bend/bow/conform to your ideals if they have already said no to it once.

 

[Bud Plug]

You are right to know what you want and to walk away from a relationship that isn't what you're looking for. You are wrong to try to change someone to fit your expectations.

The challenge you will face is when you realize that no one is a perfect mate. To have an enduring relationship, you have to be able to accept something about your partner that is not ideal. The difficult choice is knowing where to draw that line. If smoking is where you draw that line, then more power to you, but I can think of a lot worse things to tolerate. It will depend on how motivated you are to find someone to be "official" with, and how many alternatives you think you have.

I don't smoke. However, I've had girlfriends who did, and while I didn't like it, that's not why we broke up, and that's not nearly the most difficult trait in a girlfriend that I've ever dealt with.

As to the posts about "dangerous/deadly/hazardous" etc., I think that some people sweat the small stuff too much. We'll all be dying of something, and we all do something that might arguably decrease our longevity (personally, I happen to LOVE potato chips, which might possibly be the worst thing you could eat!). Or you might live a model healthy lifestyle and get cancer anyway! If a relationship makes you happy, stick with it. No sense living to an old age just be miserable for a little longer.

And for those that "just have to be who they are", go ahead and be yourself. However, there should also be room for introspection in your life. Sometimes people who "call em' like they see em'" see things wrong and call them wrong. Being prepared to change something about yourself is a sign of strength and confidence, not weakness. Finding someone to share your life with is a negotiation. In any negotiation it's easy (and requires no talent) to say no. It usually takes a lot of creativity and talent to say yes.

 

[moustache mike]

And what nasty habit you have? ....
you knew she smoked, if you're that self centered to make her quit on day 1 of being official, ? Good for her...
if you cared about what she thought and if she mattered, quiting smoking takes time..and is a lifestyle change, not
something to be forced into on day one.. you are a control freak, no wonder your single..

 

[Buick Mackane]

It sounds like there was no harm done, you both agreed it wouldn't work. You're both in the right.

 

[feetastic]

Again thank you all for your Input/feedback.

Let's put this topic to rest.

For the record, I've moved on, I've learned from the experience and won't make the same mistakes again. Just a disclaimer, not all information was provided (in case a friend is on terb). However I'd like to reiterate that I am not a controlling person, I wasn't trying to change them and yes 5-6 dates then making it official is silly. We actually knew each other before dating (but I didn't know about her smoking).

Again thank you for the feedback.

 

[SchlongConery]

Just one last comment.

Feetastic, you seem like a really decent guy. I think you handle yourself well if your posting style is any indication.

 

[x1949x]

Don't try to change someone to suit you. Instead, you should find someone you are happy with.

 

[red]

Men have always tried to change me. I've had men just want me to be a 'barefoot and pregnant' wife and that's just not me.





Agreed.

How about just barefoot walking along the surf?