Jokes

[Robert Mugabe]

Guy loses his eye in an industrial accident.
Some time later when he is healed, goes to the doctor who says " it's time to fit you with a glass eye"
Guy says "how much does it cost?"
Doctor says "$1000.00"
Guy says "no way I can afford that"
Doctor starts muttering and says "well, I can fit you up with a painted wooden eye for now."
Guy says " how much is that?"
Doctor says "$10.00, but it looks like shit. But it I suppose it will get you through for now "
Guy says " I'll take it"
So he takes the wooden eye and sure enough, it does look like shit. So he is embarrassed and starts becoming more of a recluse.
Finally he decides to take the bull by the horn and go to a dance on Saturday night.
So he's standing in the shadows at the dance with drink in hand when he notices a group of women sitting together across the dance floor, and one of them has a club foot.
He thinks. She won't turn me down.
So he walks over to her and asks "would you like to dance?"
She says "would I ? ! "
He angrily starts pointing at her foot, yelling "club foot. club foot. club foot".

 

[shakenbake]

 

[Phil C. McNasty]

 

[onomatopoeia]

 

[onomatopoeia]

Can you decode this secret message?

CM FISH?

MR NO FISH.

SMR, CMBDIZ?

(scroll down for answer)





























It's a conversation between two Newfies:

See 'em fish?

'Em are no' fish.

'es 'em are, See 'em beady eyes, Ed?

 

[Deviant]

During dinner my new girlfriend told me to have sex with a short girl. Right out of the blue she said Bone a Petite.

Source Reddit /Jokes

 

[xmontrealer]

Guy loses his eye in an industrial accident.
Some time later when he is healed, goes to the doctor who says " it's time to fit you with a glass eye"
Guy says "how much does it cost?"
Doctor says "$1000.00"
Guy says "no way I can afford that"
Doctor starts muttering and says "well, I can fit you up with a painted wooden eye for now."
Guy says " how much is that?"
Doctor says "$10.00, but it looks like shit. But it I suppose it will get you through for now "
Guy says " I'll take it"
So he takes the wooden eye and sure enough, it does look like shit. So he is embarrassed and starts becoming more of a recluse.
Finally he decides to take the bull by the horn and go to a dance on Saturday night.
So he's standing in the shadows at the dance with drink in hand when he notices a group of women sitting together across the dance floor, and one of them has a club foot.
He thinks. She won't turn me down.
So he walks over to her and asks "would you like to dance?"
She says "would I ? ! "
He angrily starts pointing at her foot, yelling "club foot. club foot. club foot".

The punch line when I heard it was the guy angrily yelling "Fat ass, fat ass!"

 

[unassuming]

What are these acronyms in every NFL playbook?
1st down: BGRR
2nd down: BGRL
3rd down: BGCB
4th down WBK

(scroll down)

































1st Down: Black guy runs right
2nd Down: Black guy runs left
3rd Down: Black guy catches ball
4th Down: White boy kicks

 

[The Mechanic]

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.


The pilot yells to these passengers, “We’re carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!”
The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.
The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in different locations. In search for help, they each start making their way through the woods they are now lost in.
The policeman stumbles upon a little girl crying over the body of an adult man. He asks the girl, “What happened here!?” to which the little girl replies “I was walking with my daddy and a gun fell out of the sky and hit his head!”

The archer comes across someone crying over a body as well, a young boy. The archer says “Oh my gosh, what happened!?” The boy tells the archer “We were playing hide-and-seek and I found him with an arrow in his head!”
The soldier pushes through the brush, and finds a young boy laughing hysterically, standing in front of a cabin with a giant hole in the wall.
The soldier asks the little boy “Whoah, what did I miss?”
The little boy says between laughing fits “You wouldn’t believe the fart I just ripped”

 

[thumper18474]

Last night I had a dream I was a muffler
This morning I woke up
Exhausted!

 

[onomatopoeia]

Emo Phillips jokes:



I was sitting in a movie theater, and a man approached me and asked "Excuse me, is this seat saved?". So I told him "If Aquinas ascertained that an animal has no soul, what less chance would an inanimate object such as a chair have of obtaining salvation?".

I was in a bar, going from stool to stool, just trying to get lucky, but there was no gum under any of them".