Jokes
- Thread starter Mr Bret
- Start date
A wife treats her hubby by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.
At the club, the doorman says "Hi Jim, How are you?".
The wife asks "How does he know you?".
Jim says "Oh Dear, I play football with him.".
Inside, the bartender says 'The usual, Jim?".
Jim says to the wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team."
Next, a stripper says "Hi Jim! Do you crave the Special again?".
The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi ..........
The taxi driver says "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time.".
Jim's funeral is on Sunday!!!!!
At the club, the doorman says "Hi Jim, How are you?".
The wife asks "How does he know you?".
Jim says "Oh Dear, I play football with him.".
Inside, the bartender says 'The usual, Jim?".
Jim says to the wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team."
Next, a stripper says "Hi Jim! Do you crave the Special again?".
The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi ..........
The taxi driver says "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time.".
Jim's funeral is on Sunday!!!!!
A woman and her son were taking a cab in the city. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. “Mom,” said the little boy, “what are all those women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They're prostitutes, boy! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?” His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?” “Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?” His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?” “Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.
A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo.
Clerk says to her, "We have all kinds of colours and sizes"
She looks around , none are to her liking, but sees a "plaid coloured" one behind the counter and tells the clerk, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want that plaid one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the clerk says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The clerk replied, "It's pretty slow but I just sold my thermos for $100!
Clerk says to her, "We have all kinds of colours and sizes"
She looks around , none are to her liking, but sees a "plaid coloured" one behind the counter and tells the clerk, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want that plaid one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the clerk says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The clerk replied, "It's pretty slow but I just sold my thermos for $100!
Three jokes I found in a recent issue of The New Yorker magazine:
Warning - they are religion related:
"A cop stops a car two priests are riding in. "I'm looking for a couple of child molesters" he tells them.
The priests look at each other. "We'll do it!" they say..."
"So God tells Adam, "I'm going to make you a wife, a helpmate, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She'll be terrific in bed, enthusiastic, and uncomplaining. But it'll cost you."
Adam asks "How much?"
God replies "An eye, and elbow, a collarbone, and your left ball."
Adam thinks for a minute, then asks, "What can I get for a rib?"
"What's the worst part about having sex with Jesus?"
"He's always wanting to come into your heart."
Warning - they are religion related:
"A cop stops a car two priests are riding in. "I'm looking for a couple of child molesters" he tells them.
The priests look at each other. "We'll do it!" they say..."
"So God tells Adam, "I'm going to make you a wife, a helpmate, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She'll be terrific in bed, enthusiastic, and uncomplaining. But it'll cost you."
Adam asks "How much?"
God replies "An eye, and elbow, a collarbone, and your left ball."
Adam thinks for a minute, then asks, "What can I get for a rib?"
"What's the worst part about having sex with Jesus?"
"He's always wanting to come into your heart."
Just watched this on Netflix this weekend. Tilda Swinton has amazing timing and delivery for this joke:
It’s from a film called The Killer. It’s a good movie; I recommend it.
It’s from a film called The Killer. It’s a good movie; I recommend it.
Tilda Swinton is amazing.Just watched this on Netflix this weekend. Tilda Swinton has amazing timing and delivery for this joke:
It’s from a film called The Killer. It’s a good movie; I recommend it.
Moses comes down from Mount Sinai, and says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is, I got Him down to ten. The bad news is, adultery's still in"
The Catholic Priest, the Protestant Pastor and the Jewish Rabbi all leave the local brothel at the same time. The donation amount, as stated on the front door, is $10 per inch of penis length.
The Priest says, "Well, I paid fifty dollars". The Pastor says "I paid sixty", and the Rabbi says "I paid $25". The Priest and the Pastor laugh, until the Rabbi says "I'm no fool. I paid on the way out".
God has Commandments that He's trying to give to Mankind. He takes them to the Egyptians, but they're too busy building pyramids and mummifying cats, so they say 'No thanks'.
He takes them to the Chinese, but they're too busy inventing gunpowder and building The Great Wall, so they say 'No thanks'.
He takes them to the Greeks, but they're too busy fighting the Trojans, so they say 'No thanks'.
Finally he sees a guy named Moses, and offers them to him. "Moses says 'How much do they cost?'. God says 'They're free'. Moses says 'I'll take ten'.
He takes them to the Chinese, but they're too busy inventing gunpowder and building The Great Wall, so they say 'No thanks'.
He takes them to the Greeks, but they're too busy fighting the Trojans, so they say 'No thanks'.
Finally he sees a guy named Moses, and offers them to him. "Moses says 'How much do they cost?'. God says 'They're free'. Moses says 'I'll take ten'.
The Eye newspaper once printed a photograph of a billboard which had been next to the Gardiner Expressway sometime in the late 1980's/ early 1990's. It was advertising a pet store which had longer than usual business hours. There was a picture of a small rodent native to Mongolia, China and Eastern Russia, with the caption:
"Need a gerbil after 9:00 PM on a Saturday?"
I can't find an online photo of this.
"Need a gerbil after 9:00 PM on a Saturday?"
I can't find an online photo of this.
Shit Happens Compilation
Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddihism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Pay no mind.
Shintoism: Shit is everywhere.
Confusianism: Confucius says "shit happens."
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
And, if shit falls in the woods, does it make a sound? Shit is, and is not.
Monasticism: You don't need any of that shit.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Ba'ha'i: We are all shit together.
Iraqi Baathist: Oh, shit!
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, happens, happens, shit, shit, rama, rama.
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
Early Egyptian: Shit happens, the world is a microcosm of the universe; therefore, the universe is shit.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Hasidism: Shit never happens the same way twice.
Catholic: If shit happens, you deserve it, because you are bad.
Protestant: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Unitarian: When shit happens, form a committee to study it. Maybe shit happens; let's have coffee and donuts. Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Anglican: Shit doesn't happen; defecation may occur on such occasions as are meet and right.
Lutheran: Shit happens through private interpretation. If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Baptist: Only total immersion in shit will suffice.
Mormon: 10% of my shit belongs to God.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Oral Roberts: Send me money or shit will happen.
Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Jehovah's Witness: No shit happens until Armaggedon. May we have a moment of your
time to share shit with you? Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Quaker: Let's not fight over this shit.
Christian Science: It's not shit, and it's not happening. Shit is in your mind. When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Creationist: God made all shit.
Agnostic: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. Did someone shit? I'm not sure if shit happens or not. Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Atheist: Shit does not happen. I can't believe this shit. I haven't smelt, seen, touched or tasted it, but I know it's shit. Shit happens, therefore, there is no God.
Scientologist: Shit can happen to you too. Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
Dianetics: Why does shit happen? See page 157 in Dianetics.
Moonie: Only happy shit really happens.
Raelian: A space ship will come and take all the shit away to paradise.
Secular Humanist: Shit evolves.
New Age: If shit happens, honor and share it. That's not shit, it's feldspar. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. Visualize shit not happening.
EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.
Mysticist: What weird shit!
Shamanist: Shit is a fertilizer.
Wiccan: Mix this shit together and make it happen! As it harm none, let shit happen.
Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you. Hey, that shit looks just like you!
Rastafarian: Let's smoke this shit.
Freemason: Shit happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.
Charismatic: This is not shit and it doesn't smell bad.
Discordianist: Some funny shit happened to me today.
Satanist: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Democrat: Shit should be provided by the government to all people.
Republican: If you remove government restrictions, shit will happen by itself.
Naderist: Shit is dangerous at any speed.
Communist: It's everybody's shit. Equal shit happens to all people.
Fascist: Shit makes the trains run on time.
Marxist: Workers are alienated from their shit.
Leninist: The people have a right to shit.
Stalinist: If we work hard, shit will happen within five years.
Nazi: Sheist über alles
Nationalist: Our shit, right or wrong.
Capitalist: That's MY shit.
Descartes:
1. Shit happens, therefore I am.
2. I am, therefore shit happens.
3. Cogito ergo defecato.
Calvinist: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Existentialist: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. What is shit, anyway?
Solopsist: If there is no shit, it doesn't happen.
Logician: Is this shit sound and complete?
Mathematician: Is this shit continuous? Is this shit everywhere dense?
Psychoanalyst: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
Theosophy: You don't know half of the shit that happens.
Nihilist: Who needs this shit?
Vedanta: Shit happening is an illusion.
Politically correct: Defecated biomass waste occurs.
Feminist: Shit isn't funny.
Radical Feminist: Men are shit.
Chauvinist: We may be shit, but you can't live without us.
Materialist: I really do need all of this shit.
Hedonist: Shit is fun. There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Obsessivist: I can never get enough shit.
Masochist: Go ahead, give me more shit, I love it.
Marketing: Package shit right and everyone will want some.
Celtic Folklore: At the end of every rainbow is a pot of shit.
Magnetist: Shit is attractive.
N.O.R.M.L.: Like gee, have ever looked really closely at a shit?
National Rifle Association: Shit doesn't happen, people do.
Shakepeare: To "pu" or not to "pu", that is the question.
Yuppie: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it
beautiful?
Red Cross: Shit happens - send money.
Optimist: That's the best damn shit that ever happened.
Pessimist: It's all shit.
Deconstructionalist: What makes you think that's shit?
Utopian: This shit does not stink.
Darwinist: This shit was once food.
Impressionist: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Stoic: This shit is good for me.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
Ronald Reagan: I don't recall shit happening.
Foster Hewitt: He shits, he scores!
Ben Johnson: I have never knowingly taken a shit.
Paris Hilton: Shit. That's hot.
50 Cent: Shit, dat's happenin'.
Bob Dylan: Shi' hap'ns.
Britney Spears: Shit me baby, one more time.
Bruce Springsteen: Back home, back home in, uh, Asbury Park, y'know, there was, like, I guess, a lot of shit happening at the time, wasn't there, Big Man?
Lawyer: The party in the first part did knowingly part with the party in the second part, hitherto known as "the shit".
12-Step: I am powerless to cut the shit.
Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens. Deal with it one day at a time.
Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddihism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Pay no mind.
Shintoism: Shit is everywhere.
Confusianism: Confucius says "shit happens."
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
And, if shit falls in the woods, does it make a sound? Shit is, and is not.
Monasticism: You don't need any of that shit.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Ba'ha'i: We are all shit together.
Iraqi Baathist: Oh, shit!
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, happens, happens, shit, shit, rama, rama.
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
Early Egyptian: Shit happens, the world is a microcosm of the universe; therefore, the universe is shit.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Hasidism: Shit never happens the same way twice.
Catholic: If shit happens, you deserve it, because you are bad.
Protestant: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Unitarian: When shit happens, form a committee to study it. Maybe shit happens; let's have coffee and donuts. Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Anglican: Shit doesn't happen; defecation may occur on such occasions as are meet and right.
Lutheran: Shit happens through private interpretation. If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Baptist: Only total immersion in shit will suffice.
Mormon: 10% of my shit belongs to God.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Oral Roberts: Send me money or shit will happen.
Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Jehovah's Witness: No shit happens until Armaggedon. May we have a moment of your
time to share shit with you? Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Quaker: Let's not fight over this shit.
Christian Science: It's not shit, and it's not happening. Shit is in your mind. When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Creationist: God made all shit.
Agnostic: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. Did someone shit? I'm not sure if shit happens or not. Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Atheist: Shit does not happen. I can't believe this shit. I haven't smelt, seen, touched or tasted it, but I know it's shit. Shit happens, therefore, there is no God.
Scientologist: Shit can happen to you too. Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
Dianetics: Why does shit happen? See page 157 in Dianetics.
Moonie: Only happy shit really happens.
Raelian: A space ship will come and take all the shit away to paradise.
Secular Humanist: Shit evolves.
New Age: If shit happens, honor and share it. That's not shit, it's feldspar. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. Visualize shit not happening.
EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.
Mysticist: What weird shit!
Shamanist: Shit is a fertilizer.
Wiccan: Mix this shit together and make it happen! As it harm none, let shit happen.
Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you. Hey, that shit looks just like you!
Rastafarian: Let's smoke this shit.
Freemason: Shit happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.
Charismatic: This is not shit and it doesn't smell bad.
Discordianist: Some funny shit happened to me today.
Satanist: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Democrat: Shit should be provided by the government to all people.
Republican: If you remove government restrictions, shit will happen by itself.
Naderist: Shit is dangerous at any speed.
Communist: It's everybody's shit. Equal shit happens to all people.
Fascist: Shit makes the trains run on time.
Marxist: Workers are alienated from their shit.
Leninist: The people have a right to shit.
Stalinist: If we work hard, shit will happen within five years.
Nazi: Sheist über alles
Nationalist: Our shit, right or wrong.
Capitalist: That's MY shit.
Descartes:
1. Shit happens, therefore I am.
2. I am, therefore shit happens.
3. Cogito ergo defecato.
Calvinist: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Existentialist: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. What is shit, anyway?
Solopsist: If there is no shit, it doesn't happen.
Logician: Is this shit sound and complete?
Mathematician: Is this shit continuous? Is this shit everywhere dense?
Psychoanalyst: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
Theosophy: You don't know half of the shit that happens.
Nihilist: Who needs this shit?
Vedanta: Shit happening is an illusion.
Politically correct: Defecated biomass waste occurs.
Feminist: Shit isn't funny.
Radical Feminist: Men are shit.
Chauvinist: We may be shit, but you can't live without us.
Materialist: I really do need all of this shit.
Hedonist: Shit is fun. There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Obsessivist: I can never get enough shit.
Masochist: Go ahead, give me more shit, I love it.
Marketing: Package shit right and everyone will want some.
Celtic Folklore: At the end of every rainbow is a pot of shit.
Magnetist: Shit is attractive.
N.O.R.M.L.: Like gee, have ever looked really closely at a shit?
National Rifle Association: Shit doesn't happen, people do.
Shakepeare: To "pu" or not to "pu", that is the question.
Yuppie: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it
beautiful?
Red Cross: Shit happens - send money.
Optimist: That's the best damn shit that ever happened.
Pessimist: It's all shit.
Deconstructionalist: What makes you think that's shit?
Utopian: This shit does not stink.
Darwinist: This shit was once food.
Impressionist: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Stoic: This shit is good for me.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
Ronald Reagan: I don't recall shit happening.
Foster Hewitt: He shits, he scores!
Ben Johnson: I have never knowingly taken a shit.
Paris Hilton: Shit. That's hot.
50 Cent: Shit, dat's happenin'.
Bob Dylan: Shi' hap'ns.
Britney Spears: Shit me baby, one more time.
Bruce Springsteen: Back home, back home in, uh, Asbury Park, y'know, there was, like, I guess, a lot of shit happening at the time, wasn't there, Big Man?
Lawyer: The party in the first part did knowingly part with the party in the second part, hitherto known as "the shit".
12-Step: I am powerless to cut the shit.
Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens. Deal with it one day at a time.
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Boy is she ever good! I've been telling that joke for years ... but her timing had me on the edge even though I knew what was coming!Just watched this on Netflix this weekend. Tilda Swinton has amazing timing and delivery for this joke:
It’s from a film called The Killer. It’s a good movie; I recommend it.
On a hot day, a penguin is having engine problems with his car, and has it towed to the mechanic's shop. The mechanic tells him to come back in twenty minutes, and he'll let the penguin know what's wrong. The penguin walks down the street, and stops at McDonald's for a soft ice cream cone.
The penguin returns to the mechanic's shop and the mechanic says "Looks like you've blown a seal". The penguin quickly wipes the corner of his mouth and says "No, I was eating ice cream".
The penguin returns to the mechanic's shop and the mechanic says "Looks like you've blown a seal". The penguin quickly wipes the corner of his mouth and says "No, I was eating ice cream".
