massman said:I feel so messed up I cant believe it. We are sharing passionate emails, but I feel that it is taking a toll on her as well, as she too has a "real life to live". the reality is that this is impossible. However I have not felt like this is years, (possibly never) and I dont want to let it go. I've been in a relationship that for many years that is in many ways nice (nice kids great mom, good partner) but in so many others deeply unsatisfying. The problem is I now have felt what it is like to really be into someone - so deeply - that I don't want to go back. I know that to move forward with this special relationship would devastate several people, and be brutal in many ways. But the selfish part of me, that has "settled" for soooooo long, now has "seen the light" and I dont know if I can continue in my "real life" situation. I don't know what to do , and feel at once exhillarated and lost at the same time. I can't believe what I am contemplating, and really am lost as to what to do. Have any of you been through this? I am not at all an "idealistic" "romantic" person. I'm not one to fall head over heels for anyone. But this has happened, I am worried I may be passing up a person that is truly "meant" for me (as stupid and sappy as that sounds)
Any similar experiences? How did things turn out?
You basically have 3 choices:
1. Run off with her (but verify if she wants to run off with you)
2. Don't run off with her
3. Strive for the best of both worlds
If you select #1, make a clean break... I'm talking move to another city/country and start a new life with her. I know of one incidence of that where a VP in my company literally ran off one day with his secretary... both of them leaving their families behind. Pros: You may find true happiness. Cons: A very tough thing to do and very disruptive to the people currently around you
The Principle:You need to look after yourself too, not just everybody else.
Selecting #2 means that you choose to carry on with "settling" for what you already have. Pro: It's the easy option Con: achieving true happiness is unlikely and you may regret it and may torture yourself with couldda/wouldda/shouldda questions in the future. I personally have witnessed a couple of people going through this.
The Principle:What you want isn't as important as doing what's best for you AND everyone around you.
Selecting #3 means you explain how torn up you are to your SO. Explain how on one hand you don't want to hurt anyone and don't want to leave her, but also explain how this other woman makes you feel. And then pop the 'I'd like to work to a more open relationship'. Open relationships don't happen overnight. They happen in steps. It did for me. You start by talking about it. Then thinking. More talking. More thinking. Maybe then go to some strip clubs (some where the girls strip, some where the guys strip - and be prepared to buy her some lap dances). From there, who knows? Just remember, if you want freedom to do other girls, then you should give her the freedom to see guys.
The Principle: Just because you've been with your SO for a long time doesn't necessarily mean that she can't surprise you. Give her the opportunity to surprise you. If you still care about her, doesn't she deserve that chance?
BUT... You MUST be prepared for the idea that your SO will have sex with other guys. If you can't do that, than forget about #3. But if you're like me and get off on the idea of your SO fooling around with other guys, then it's practically your duty to at least attempt #3.
Also, in attempting #3, it will be a good test for your relationship with your SO and if #3 doesn't work, what you learn from the attempt will make it clear whether #1 or #2 is better.
Even if this woman doesn't want to run off with you, by explaining the situation to your SO, it will cause disruption, but it will also clarify what the best choice is. But don't let your SO punish you for telling the truth... Often people *say* they want the truth, but their actions show they want to be lied to.
**edit/update** When explaining things to the SO, she will initially get pissed and maybe yell and be nasty. It is absolutely important to keep your cool and do NOT retaliate. The goal is to have an open and honest discussion. Expect there to be hurt feelings and reactions initially. But if she's smart, she should be able to figure out that you could have easily kept her in the dark. Does she really want to punish you for being open and honest... thereby encouraging you to be closed and dishonest with her? Asking her that will totally take the wind out of her anger.