Is having kids to make your SO happy normal?

[Mr. Blond]

Mile high and Blue-Speroid are bang on. Nothing much more to add on that.

Having kids is not something to be taken lightly. You must be with the person who see yourself with 25 years from now. Sometimes you can take a leap of faith with that person, but don't do it for the wrong reasons. The divorce rate in my circle is 60%. I think official is 50-52%. All because the people didn't take the time to get to know each other for at least 1-2 years before getting married. Kids will make any major issues with your spouse x5 or x10 worse.

 

[AlannaJohnson]

Re: babies

Wow, I gotta say I'm impressed with some of the responses on here. The best response award so far goes to mur11

To add to what has already been said, from my perspective as a woman of baby-making age ...

I was reading in a recent magazine article that was quoting various expert opinions that fertility declines significantly in women after age 35. Also, that the risk of birth defects also increases sharply after age 35. I don't like the term 'biological clock.' These are just facts of life.

Today's career women (and I would include myself in that demographic) often make the erroneous assumption that they can just have babies in their late 30s or even early 40s. Celebrity pregnancies in late 30s/ early 40s are common enough, but it's obvious judging by the high numbers of twins born (e.g. J. Lo, Mariah Carey) that fertility treatments were used. Fertility treatments are not yet affordable for the masses, and they don't always work!

As a woman wishing to pass on my genes I am well-aware that I have a limited window of opportunity to make that happen. Frankly, I hate that that's the case, because just like the OP, I may not feel quite ready for this decision. And it may well be that if I do go ahead and have a kid before age 35, all the pieces of my life puzzle may not be in place quite yet by that time.

Men have the luxury of waiting until much later on to make this decision. I was just chatting the other day with a guy friend of mine in his early 30s, who, like me, is in the process of um, working on his life/finances/career. He told me he sees himself becoming a Daddy at age 45, and marrying some 28 yo at that stage. I didn't exactly like him when he said that -- but hey, he does have the baby-making time advantage! If I were a woman wanting to have kids in the next few years, I would certainly not date him ... I feel the OP and his partner are in a similar predicament. As a career woman, she may not be READY to have kids yet, but unlike him, she has to face the facts of nature, and deal with them... Now or in the near future. IMO, if the OP is not willing to seriously consider having kids in the next 2 years, I think his partner is better off walking away, and finding herself a man, possibly an older man, who's ready for this decision.

I can't help seeing lots of men in their late 30s or 40s on various dating sites who have gotten their stuff together to some comfortable degree, and are now in baby-making mode... and looking for that 28 yo! Lol

C'est la vie...

 

[Blue-Spheroid]

He told me he sees himself becoming a Daddy at age 45, and marrying some 28 yo at that stage. I didn't exactly like him when he said that -- but hey, he does have the baby-making time advantage!

Another misconception.

Yes, men can physically impregnate a woman at almost any age. However, if you want to play and active and meaningful role in the life of your children, then you should have them when you;re still able to handle the sleepless nights, early morning wake-ups, and endless running around. Fathering a child much after 45 is like skipping directly to grand-parenting.

 

[desert monk]

An update:
I'm sure some of you may be wondering what transpired after this, but it turns out I didn't need to make the decision whether I wanted kids or not. She ended up dumping me last week because at 4 months into the relationship, she couldn't handle seeing me only on weekends (we live 230 km away from each other), and decided to end it. I was pretty upset... she was the perfect girlfriend for the first 3 months, but then the thinly veiled ultimatums and near-demands started coming out... Like the desire to have kids within 2 years and wanting me to relocate to her city by our 1 year anniversary or she would end it. I guess those are what you would call "red flags" that I shouldn't be with her... but never underestimate the power of a beautiful woman (and the sex of course) to blur reality. I guess she did me a favor. I hope to avoid this in the future, I'm just going to look for women who don't want kids and hope I can find one (unless something significant changes in my wishes).

 

[CapitalGuy]

desert monk, I'm sorry for your having been dumped. I assume you're mature enough to realize that its ok to be depressed and to feel beaten up right now, but that over time you will recover and eventually forget the pain/anger/whatever you're feeling. Time does, of course, heal all wounds.

Your dilemma is common to most of us who didn't' marry and have kids right out of school, and other posters have addressed the various issues associated with all this, quite well. In this particular instance (dating ONLY 4 months (!! wow - I thought you guys had been together for a couple years)) and not living nearby (so it was not a typical relationship - you didn't have the time or the proximity to get to the 'boring' stage of a relationship when you can figure out if its a right fit or not - you were still on a honeymoon) it seems to me that she just wanted a baby daddy. And you fit the bill for various reasons.

Here's the most important thing to consider - after ONLY 4 months, if she was giving you an ultimatum of babies and a life together or get dumped, she is nuts. Full stop. Four months is not NEARLY long enough together to determine if you are suited for a lifetime together. She is crazy, desperate, lonely, and cold, and you are MUCH better off being free of that kind of insanity.

 

[Mikehorn]

I was reading in a recent magazine article that was quoting various expert opinions that fertility declines significantly in women after age 35. Also, that the risk of birth defects also increases sharply after age 35. I don't like the term 'biological clock.' These are just facts of life.

Today's career women (and I would include myself in that demographic) often make the erroneous assumption that they can just have babies in their late 30s or even early 40s. Celebrity pregnancies in late 30s/ early 40s are common enough, but it's obvious judging by the high numbers of twins born (e.g. J. Lo, Mariah Carey) that fertility treatments were used. Fertility treatments are not yet affordable for the masses, and they don't always work!

 

[LadyTY2Uall]

Why? I'm sick of sp's. I've had girlfriends who didn't want kids, but they weren't attractive enough to hold my interest. I'd rather not have kids, but if the choice is that or be alone forever, that skews the equation. It's very hard finding a hot woman under 35 who doesn't want kids, otherwise I would find it easy to move on.

That is your answer right there. It sounds like you are with her because she is hot. Do her a favour and let her go so that she can find someone who loves her for who she is not what she looks like. She wants children, let her go find someone who also wants children before it becomes too late for her.

Oops, I missed that last post. Sorry about that, but, the comment still stands.