I'm someone who has never been interested in having kids. I never grew up with cousins or kids in my family, had a messed up adolescence, didn't get into relationships until my mid 20's etc. and just don't have much connection to them. I'm a guy who loves being in a relationship with a woman, enjoying each other's companionship, spending money on her, sex of course, and all of that. I would like to have a committed relationship, and I believe I have found that woman. The only caveat is, it seems like most if not all women are very set on having children. It seems like there is little choice if you want a long-term relationship except to have children. Is that it? I'm in a relationship with a woman I care for very deeply, and her clock is basically ticking and she has said she wants kids within the next two years... This is a bit scary. She's pretty much my ideal woman in every way, except her strong desire to have kids makes me wonder if she really loves me for me, or if I'm just a guy who can sire kids and bring home $. I have no shortage of divorced friends who pay child support, so I know the risks. I also worry that the things I value between us might disappear... the sex, companionship, the proud feeling I get having her on my arm in public... Right now, she makes me very happy in my otherwise repetitive and depressing existence (albeit replete with all my freedom and disposable income). I wouldn't dare cheat on this woman, and haven't seen an sp since before I met her. Is it normal for guys to feel like this, and go through with the nuclear family thing for the sake of the woman? Is this just the unspoken rules of getting the girl? I just don't want to end things out of fear and kick myself for the rest of my life, or end up financially trapped in a miserable existence.
Is having kids to make your SO happy normal?
- Thread starter desert monk
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beter get out now she might trap you... and if her clock is ticking better not waste her time when she can find someone who wants what she wants
i have thought about this and I'm not particularly fond or willing to have kids myself. BUT, the only things that make me think of having 1 kid is:
a. to leave something of me and my wife behind.....something of our love after we're gone.
b. to have someone around in our old age....basically family and his/her family as well.
Of course, this all assumes that everything would be good and rosy and there will be normal childhood and the kid would grow up into a good person.
My advice to you is: forget the divorces, the alimony and all the bitter BS you read here on Terb. Ask yourself this if you two see yourself together forever and then wanting a family. You won't stay 20, 25,30, 35, 40 and 45 forever. So the sex, the gifts, "the proud feeling of her on your arm" and the vacations will all eventually grow boring and you'll need more than that to come around as a couple.
What bothers me in your question....even before you mention kids is that why are you not confident on her love for you? You say and I'm quoting:
a. to leave something of me and my wife behind.....something of our love after we're gone.
b. to have someone around in our old age....basically family and his/her family as well.
Of course, this all assumes that everything would be good and rosy and there will be normal childhood and the kid would grow up into a good person.
My advice to you is: forget the divorces, the alimony and all the bitter BS you read here on Terb. Ask yourself this if you two see yourself together forever and then wanting a family. You won't stay 20, 25,30, 35, 40 and 45 forever. So the sex, the gifts, "the proud feeling of her on your arm" and the vacations will all eventually grow boring and you'll need more than that to come around as a couple.
What bothers me in your question....even before you mention kids is that why are you not confident on her love for you? You say and I'm quoting:
I have been in the same boat.In the end it's about your own happiness.If having kids isn't your thing get out now,coz it will end in divorce and all those unnessary legal and allimony bills.If you care about her that much set her free so she can fullfill her own happiness with someone who wants kids.
Personally,my desire not to have kids and enjoy my total freedom is stronger than having a women next to me every night.
I've been asking myself this. She does make a good income, $80K+... And could easily get another guy with my income or better, so maybe I am being naive but that hasn't crossed my mind with this one. We both want a committed relationship resulting in marriage, it's just that she really wants kids and I'm merely open to having them if she is indeed the right woman for me.
My only advice is that if you do have kids things will definetly change between you two. There's no escaping it.
You should see a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist. You sound depressed (even if you don't realize it) and your "messed up adolescence" may be the cause of your outlook.
It sounds like you're too much about "me" and part of any relationship is compromise. She really, really wants kids. That's a deal breaker for her. You need to find out exactly why you are dead set against it. You may be surprised by what you discover.
It sounds like you're too much about "me" and part of any relationship is compromise. She really, really wants kids. That's a deal breaker for her. You need to find out exactly why you are dead set against it. You may be surprised by what you discover.
Well said, KE. I don't know about the "depressed" diagnosis but not wanting kids in my mind, unwillingness to take on responsibility. Yes....I'm like that too and because of certain things, I've avoided relationships, commitments and responsibilities.
As long as you aren't opposed to having children or see yourself as having a demeanor and personality that shouldn't be allowed within sixty kilometers of a child. You are merely acting the way a lot of men I know acted before they had children.
To the OP, I think the situation really depends on what makes you happy and what you value. I think what you need to ask yourself first is whether your SO is really the right woman for you. Are the two of you really compatible -- do you value her opinions, do you truly value her companionship, etc.
As far as having children are concerned, you have stated that you are merely open to having them if your SO is the right woman for you. Is this truly how you feel about the situation? The reason I ask is that I have met people who have told me that they are not particularly interested in having children, but then over time their views have changed, and once they had children absolutely adore being parents. So it's possible that once you have kids, you may well delight in being a father.
If you decide for yourself that you are absolutely dead-set against having any children, then I would agree with the other posters that you should end your relationship with your SO, since this would lead to an irreconciliable barrier between the two of you, leading to further unhappiness.
If you are simply nervous about becoming a father (or wonder whether you can be a good parent, given your background) perhaps this is something you should openly discuss with your SO.
Just my 2 cents worth on this.
As far as having children are concerned, you have stated that you are merely open to having them if your SO is the right woman for you. Is this truly how you feel about the situation? The reason I ask is that I have met people who have told me that they are not particularly interested in having children, but then over time their views have changed, and once they had children absolutely adore being parents. So it's possible that once you have kids, you may well delight in being a father.
If you decide for yourself that you are absolutely dead-set against having any children, then I would agree with the other posters that you should end your relationship with your SO, since this would lead to an irreconciliable barrier between the two of you, leading to further unhappiness.
If you are simply nervous about becoming a father (or wonder whether you can be a good parent, given your background) perhaps this is something you should openly discuss with your SO.
Just my 2 cents worth on this.
having kids is a HUGE commitment. its basically something you're stuck with for the rest of your life. not just emotionally, but financially also. even if down the road you want to drop everything and run. you'll get chased down by the authorities and court to pay child support - even straight out of every paycheck you get.
if you're against having kids. then you're not ready for such a big commitment. you might be resentful down the line with the burden.
i know i sound like a negative nancy. for that, i apologize. if you don't like my advice, just ignore it. but its my 2 cents
on the other side of the coin,
ps. why does she want to have kids so bad. so quickly? when she has a guy thats very good for her and obviously cares deeply for her and is very good for her. can't she wait a little while? until he's ready?
question is: will he ever be ready?
if you're against having kids. then you're not ready for such a big commitment. you might be resentful down the line with the burden.
i know i sound like a negative nancy. for that, i apologize. if you don't like my advice, just ignore it. but its my 2 cents
on the other side of the coin,
ps. why does she want to have kids so bad. so quickly? when she has a guy thats very good for her and obviously cares deeply for her and is very good for her. can't she wait a little while? until he's ready?
question is: will he ever be ready?
It is pecular to be discussing this on TERB, but that biological clock and inability to commit are indeed issues for many women
I've known several women both friends and professonally whose theme song could very well be:
Why bother being in a relationship if you don't want to have kids? You are wasting your time and your woman's time
Why? I'm sick of sp's. I've had girlfriends who didn't want kids, but they weren't attractive enough to hold my interest. I'd rather not have kids, but if the choice is that or be alone forever, that skews the equation. It's very hard finding a hot woman under 35 who doesn't want kids, otherwise I would find it easy to move on.
Or to be trapped and miserable in a life you knew you didn't want right from the beginning?
Hope you got bucks.
http://www.babycenter.com/0_moms-on-money-woes-affording-kids-and-raising-the-recession_10354882.bc
http://canadianfinanceblog.com/how-much-does-raising-a-child-cost/
http://www.babycenter.com/0_moms-on-money-woes-affording-kids-and-raising-the-recession_10354882.bc
Edit: Canadian version:
http://canadianfinanceblog.com/how-much-does-raising-a-child-cost/
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