If Men Wrote Advice Columns

Aug 2, 2008
167
0
0
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing – your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him and I don’t want to.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is not interested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should undergo sensitivity training. Foreplay to him is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love this man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish. Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and he falls asleep without giving me one.

A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you forgot to cook him a nice meal?
 
Hahaha - LOL! Good one! :D
 
Ok, the same questions answered by women!!!

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Dump the stupid ass, how dare he wish to discuss fulfilling one of his fantasies with you!!! He should be happy with the one one a month of sex YOU give him and he should worship the very ground you walk on.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him and I don’t want to.

A: DON"T DO IT, when he said "I do" your days of performing oral sex ended and if he presses the issue? See answer number 1 above......

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: I am assuming he wants more than ONE night a month? He's a selfish prick, dump him........

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: That doesn't matter as long as YOU know where it is.......I mean, seriously, what do you need HIM for anyways? Go buy a bob......

Q: My husband is not interested in foreplay.

A: See answer number one above. He should know automatically what you want, when you want it and what you want him to do. If he doesn't? DUMP HIM!!!

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and he falls asleep without giving me one.

A: He's a selfish prick and he shouldn't be masterbating with you in bed or he should do it in the shower. If he doesn't perform oral sex on you when you want it and doesn't KNOW when you want it, see answer 1 above....
 
Emma@SecretaryService said:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and he falls asleep without giving me one.

A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you forgot to cook him a nice meal?

My word that was incredibly funny. Reminds me of that email detailing the 'perfect day' for a woman and then the 'perfect day' for a man.

To paraphrase the Simpsons: "Well Homer I guess it's true, women are from Venus and men are from Mars." "Sure Marge, give us the one with all the monsters."
 
Actually, men do write all the Agony Columns.
Ann Landers was a man. Played offensive tackle for the Dallas Cowboys.
You only have to remember the classic "I love a woman for her ass" thread to understand the truth of this statement.
 
Wow, it sounds like the perfect relationship. Where can I find a woman like that (that doesn't charge by the hour)?

:p
 
I must have missed Dan Savage that week, unless her best friend is a guy, then it sounds like a Savage Love letter.
 
Emma@SecretaryService said:

I'll PM you with our plans for the weekend.

PM = private message, not prostate massage, btw... no homo
 
Emma, you can be my sexetary anyday :D