how to deal with rude people?

[stinkynuts]

I have had the misfortune to deal with many rude people lately, and I don't know the correct way to deal with it. Typically, I just ignore them, since I don't want to start a confrontation. I also have blown up at them before, and it always makes me look like the asshole. However, it always ruins my day since I feel that they got away with being rude.

I am Asian, and virtually ALL of my negative experiences have been with middle aged to older white women. I do feel racism is definitely a component, and that they feel they can speak to me rudely since they view me as an immigrant (even though I'm Canadian), or feel that I won't react and that they can get away with it.

These are just some recent examples:

I was on a flight and my screen wasn't working. It was a touchscreen and the display was not responsive, it happens. I saw a middle aged flight attendant, and told her my screen wasn't working. She didn't seem to understand, so I tapped the screen to show her that it wasn't responsive. She then yelled at me. "It's because you're jabbing the screen that it stopped working!" I said, "I'm sorry?" She then repeated herself and stormed off to reset it. I was in shock, as flight attendants are generally very nice.

On another flight, a young white woman was taking her luggage out of the overhead bin. She took it halfway down, and was just holding it shoulder high for a full half minute. Thinking that she was having a hard time lowering it properly, I gently guided it down for her. She then snapped at me. "I can do it myself! I just didn't want to bump other people!"

At a grocery store, I asked a woman who was stocking a shelf if she knew where the wine section was. She was on the floor filling the shelves. She literally screamed at me, "I don't work here!" in the nastiest tone ever.

I feel that these people have issues, and are taking it out on me because they think I won't react. Which is correct, since most Asians are very reserved. However, I also feel that they shouldn't get away with it, as not only is it wrong and ruins my day, but they will continue to be rude to others as well.

Options I have thought about are:

1)Ignore them (they are not worth getting upset over, and they are the ones with the problem). However, as I stated, this is not a satisfactory resolution and ends up me regretting not confronting them.

2)Be rude back, and confront them/yell at them. This just escalates things, and makes me look bad. Not a proper solution.

3)Politely but firmly tell them that they are being rude. It's hard for me to do this. This is because at that moment I'm so shocked/upset, and it's hard for me to communicated exactly what the issue is in a few seconds. I could do the usual, "Excuse me?!" thing, but there has to be a better way.

I have almost NEVER had this issue with other Asian men and women. Very rarely with black men and women, although sometimes black women can have attitudes. Young white men - almost never. Middle aged and white men - once in a while. But I definitely get this poor treatement most often with the "Karen" demographic. Middle aged and older white women. Also, very rarely in Toronto did I have these issues. But here in Moncton, New Brunswick it's really bad.

The one thing I liked about Toronto is that no matter what you look like, you belong. You don't really feel racism, because it's such a diverse city and everyone looks different. Not like the United States, where you're Asian American or African American and treated as a second class citizen.

 

[New World]

I have had the misfortune to deal with many rude people lately, and I don't know the correct way to deal with it. Typically, I just ignore them, since I don't want to start a confrontation. I also have blown up at them before, and it always makes me look like the asshole. However, it always ruins my day since I feel that they got away with being rude.

I am Asian, and virtually ALL of my negative experiences have been with middle aged to older white women. I do feel racism is definitely a component, and that they feel they can speak to me rudely since they view me as an immigrant (even though I'm Canadian), or feel that I won't react and that they can get away with it.

These are just some recent examples:

I was on a flight and my screen wasn't working. It was a touchscreen and the display was not responsive, it happens. I saw a middle aged flight attendant, and told her my screen wasn't working. She didn't seem to understand, so I tapped the screen to show her that it wasn't responsive. She then yelled at me. "It's because you're jabbing the screen that it stopped working!" I said, "I'm sorry?" She then repeated herself and stormed off to reset it. I was in shock, as flight attendants are generally very nice.

On another flight, a young white woman was taking her luggage out of the overhead bin. She took it halfway down, and was just holding it shoulder high for a full half minute. Thinking that she was having a hard time lowering it properly, I gently guided it down for her. She then snapped at me. "I can do it myself! I just didn't want to bump other people!"

At a grocery store, I asked a woman who was stocking a shelf if she knew where the wine section was. She was on the floor filling the shelves. She literally screamed at me, "I don't work here!" in the nastiest tone ever.

I feel that these people have issues, and are taking it out on me because they think I won't react. Which is correct, since most Asians are very reserved. However, I also feel that they shouldn't get away with it, as not only is it wrong and ruins my day, but they will continue to be rude to others as well.

Options I have thought about are:

1)Ignore them (they are not worth getting upset over, and they are the ones with the problem). However, as I stated, this is not a satisfactory resolution and ends up me regretting not confronting them.

2)Be rude back, and confront them/yell at them. This just escalates things, and makes me look bad. Not a proper solution.

3)Politely but firmly tell them that they are being rude. It's hard for me to do this. This is because at that moment I'm so shocked/upset, and it's hard for me to communicated exactly what the issue is in a few seconds. I could do the usual, "Excuse me?!" thing, but there has to be a better way.

I have almost NEVER had this issue with other Asian men and women. Very rarely with black men and women, although sometimes black women can have attitudes. Young white men - almost never. Middle aged and white men - once in a while. But I definitely get this poor treatement most often with the "Karen" demographic. Middle aged and older white women. Also, very rarely in Toronto did I have these issues. But here in Moncton, New Brunswick it's really bad.

The one thing I liked about Toronto is that no matter what you look like, you belong. You don't really feel racism, because it's such a diverse city and everyone looks different. Not like the United States, where you're Asian American or African American and treated as a second class citizen.

I am Canadian born of Asian descent. Born and raised in Toronto. I have had similar experience but very few and far between. And mostly with African American females who are middle aged.

Imho it's toxic femininity that drives this behavior.

Just in case you wanted a definition of Toxic femininity

Here it is

Toxic femininity exists in that it represents women manipulating men with that femininity to achieve their selfish interests and/or to absolve themselves of consequences they deserve.

 

[Paprika]

1. Read the room. Feel out the people before asking for help. Don't initiate unnecessary interactions with people that don't look friendly.

2. Be able to express your thought in clear English, instead of saying a lot of "Excuse me?" "I'm sorry?", have a good comeback, when someone is rude.

3. Smile. World is a stage and we're actors. Turn your life into a comedy. Why let some stranger ruin your mood?

" I was on a flight and my screen wasn't working. It was a touchscreen and the display was not responsive, it happens. I saw a middle aged flight attendant, and told her my screen wasn't working. She didn't seem to understand, so I tapped the screen to show her that it wasn't responsive. She then yelled at me. "It's because you're jabbing the screen that it stopped working!" I said, "I'm sorry?" She then repeated herself and stormed off to reset it. I was in shock, as flight attendants are generally very nice. "

If you could argue eloquently in English instead of saying something like "I'm sorry?", the lady will probably more respect for you instead of thinking you didn't hear what she said the first time.

 

[Darts]

Try this. When you see a cute young woman. Drop your gloves. Then ask the young woman if she wouldn't mind picking up your gloves for you. Say you have a bad back and/or you are struggling to get your groceries on your bike.

Trust me. Cute young women love to help men in distress. It's their maternal instinct.

 

[anon1]

I get the rude treatment from mostly East Indian women.

 

[S416905]

Everyone is rude. You need to learn how to be rude back subtly and sarcastically, not go ape shit and start yelling at a woman. That way you get the satisfaction of not being a pussy and also you don't look like some psycho yelling at someone in public

 

[shack]

I get the rude treatment from mostly East Indian women.

Worse than East Indians are wives.

 

[massman]

Given the very minor examples you have given, I would opt to do nothing and move on. Some people have very few social graces, and that’s the way it is. The satisfaction is in the fact that you did your best to interact in a polite, or helpful way, and they are the loser that doesn’t know how to respond to people. They are the ones with the problem, not you. In these random one off interactions the benefits of confrontation are close to nil, and you will look like a jackass for escalating things. I frequently have to deal with people acting rudely in my world, and it’s much easier to remain sane if you follow this approach. Of course if someone is overtly abusive, that is a different story and I would politely but firmly call that out and tell them is is unacceptable.

Now if it is someone you regularly have to interact with (eg work etc) and it repeatedly happens, politely expressing the fact that you don’t appreciate their way of speaking to you may be necessary. How to do that depends on the situation and the dynamic (eg are they your subordinate, coworker, boss, client etc).

 

[richaceg]

I'm Asian too but my experience so far are all over the place...
My best interactions are not by race. by age.
the younger crowd seems ok and give me respect. 20 - 30
it doesn't matter what race. Brown, Black White & Asians seems great. pretty cool actually.
30s - 40s My interaction is mediocre...most people I deal with are Karens & Kevins in these age bracket...(i'm in construction) I guess most home owners are anyways at these age bracket.
Easiest to deal with are the seniors...you keep a level head and take care of business - you get rewarded with referrals....again, it doesn't matter what race...

Side Note
I did a few jobs for a few older folks....
White old lady - prepared lunch for me and my crew on the last day of the job - Roast Chicken, pulled pork, corn etc etc..it was a feast!
A Carribean lady also served me and my crew jerked chicken dinner a few years ago...
An old Asian lady gave my crew an extra $20 each for 3 days we worked on her house...

 

[unassuming]

I have had the misfortune to deal with many rude people lately, and I don't know the correct way to deal with it. Typically, I just ignore them, since I don't want to start a confrontation. I also have blown up at them before, and it always makes me look like the asshole. However, it always ruins my day since I feel that they got away with being rude.

I am Asian, and virtually ALL of my negative experiences have been with middle aged to older white women. I do feel racism is definitely a component, and that they feel they can speak to me rudely since they view me as an immigrant (even though I'm Canadian), or feel that I won't react and that they can get away with it.

These are just some recent examples:

I was on a flight and my screen wasn't working. It was a touchscreen and the display was not responsive, it happens. I saw a middle aged flight attendant, and told her my screen wasn't working. She didn't seem to understand, so I tapped the screen to show her that it wasn't responsive. She then yelled at me. "It's because you're jabbing the screen that it stopped working!" I said, "I'm sorry?" She then repeated herself and stormed off to reset it. I was in shock, as flight attendants are generally very nice.

On another flight, a young white woman was taking her luggage out of the overhead bin. She took it halfway down, and was just holding it shoulder high for a full half minute. Thinking that she was having a hard time lowering it properly, I gently guided it down for her. She then snapped at me. "I can do it myself! I just didn't want to bump other people!"

At a grocery store, I asked a woman who was stocking a shelf if she knew where the wine section was. She was on the floor filling the shelves. She literally screamed at me, "I don't work here!" in the nastiest tone ever.

I feel that these people have issues, and are taking it out on me because they think I won't react. Which is correct, since most Asians are very reserved. However, I also feel that they shouldn't get away with it, as not only is it wrong and ruins my day, but they will continue to be rude to others as well.

Options I have thought about are:

1)Ignore them (they are not worth getting upset over, and they are the ones with the problem). However, as I stated, this is not a satisfactory resolution and ends up me regretting not confronting them.

2)Be rude back, and confront them/yell at them. This just escalates things, and makes me look bad. Not a proper solution.

3)Politely but firmly tell them that they are being rude. It's hard for me to do this. This is because at that moment I'm so shocked/upset, and it's hard for me to communicated exactly what the issue is in a few seconds. I could do the usual, "Excuse me?!" thing, but there has to be a better way.

I have almost NEVER had this issue with other Asian men and women. Very rarely with black men and women, although sometimes black women can have attitudes. Young white men - almost never. Middle aged and white men - once in a while. But I definitely get this poor treatement most often with the "Karen" demographic. Middle aged and older white women. Also, very rarely in Toronto did I have these issues. But here in Moncton, New Brunswick it's really bad.

The one thing I liked about Toronto is that no matter what you look like, you belong. You don't really feel racism, because it's such a diverse city and everyone looks different. Not like the United States, where you're Asian American or African American and treated as a second class citizen.

From now on do this:

 

[Darts]

All my experiences with E.I. women are great.

Just a few days ago I was pulling a cart in my local mall. I accidentally hit one of those damn planters with one of the cart wheels when I turned a corner. A young E.I. woman who was sitting nearby immediately came over and asked if I needed any help.

 

[richaceg]

I get the rude treatment from mostly East Indian women.

Speaking of East Indian...when I was a young apprentice, about 18...we were renovating a house by Malvern / Nielson area....I went to the washroom and the couple were arguing that ended with the man slapping his wife hard...she took it like a champ...came out to speak to my boss after kept her smile like nothing happen but i can see her husbands hand imprinted in her cheek...i just kept it to myself...that was surprised I froze...

 

[richaceg]

All my experiences with E.I. women are great.

Just a few days ago I was pulling a cart in my local mall. I accidentally hit one of those damn planters with one of the cart wheels when I turned a corner. A young E.I. woman who was sitting nearby immediately came over and asked if I needed any help.

is she hot? most E.i. women are hot...at least to me.

 

[Darts]

is she hot? most E.i. women are hot...at least to me.

Young E.I. woman. Need I say more.

 

[Darts]

Whenever I need some help out on the street I always ask a woman (almost never a male) or sometime it's a woman who ask if I need any help.

I was on my bike shortly after Christmas. I heard something snapped. So, I pulled over on to the sidewalk. The damn rear derailleur snapped. Without me asking, a young woman who happened by asked if I needed any help. She actually tried to fixed the derailleur with her hands.

Question: How much does it cost to install a new derailleur?

 

[richaceg]

Whenever I need some help out on the street I always ask a woman (almost never a male) or sometime it's a woman who ask if I need any help.

I was on my bike shortly after Christmas. I heard something snapped. So, I pulled over on to the sidewalk. The damn rear derailleur snapped. Without me asking, a young woman who happened by asked if I needed any help. She actually tried to fixed the derailleur with her hands.

Question: How much does it cost to install a new derailleur?

I have a guy that fixes bike for cheap in markham. I tried DIY 2 years ago and it came out decent...sold my Specialized Roubaix for $1300 and spent it all at elevate spa ...best decision ever...I only do MTB trails now...

 

[Sensual Monst]

I tend to use a different tact when dealing with rude people...

I leverage the adage "Killing them with Kindness".

When someone is rude to me, I try to be extra kind / polite in return in the hopes (maybe misguided or lost) that they see the folly of their ways and see that there are other ways to behave / react.
Holding the door open for someone and they don't acknowledge or thank you - "You're very welcome - Have a great day!"
Someone rude to you - "I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. I hope it gets better"
This does not work all the time and is hard, but there is a level of satisfaction as in my head I've said "fuck you" but presented the opposite.
Live is too short for being grumpy and rude. It takes NOTHING to smile and often a simple smile is enough to make someone's day.

 

[explorerzip]

Given the very minor examples you have given, I would opt to do nothing and move on. Some people have very few social graces, and that’s the way it is. The satisfaction is in the fact that you did your best to interact in a polite, or helpful way, and they are the loser that doesn’t know how to respond to people. They are the ones with the problem, not you. In these random one off interactions the benefits of confrontation are close to nil, and you will look like a jackass for escalating things. I frequently have to deal with people acting rudely in my world, and it’s much easier to remain sane if you follow this approach. Of course if someone is overtly abusive, that is a different story and I would politely but firmly call that out and tell them is is unacceptable.

Now if it is someone you regularly have to interact with (eg work etc) and it repeatedly happens, politely expressing the fact that you don’t appreciate their way of speaking to you may be necessary. How to do that depends on the situation and the dynamic (eg are they your subordinate, coworker, boss, client etc).

Couldn't have said it better myself. OP, you've been on this board a long time and have surely come across rude people or trolls. Is your day ruined when you they're rude to you? I often wonder about people here because of the constant fights I see or those that take anything as a personal attack. The random people you'll come across online and in life have no consequence to you. So leave them be. Would it be better to regret not confronting random and rude people or not doing the things you want in life?

I also agree that you should focus on the people you deal with regularly like co-workers, friends, family, etc. because they can help or hinder your career and life. If you're having trouble with your communication skills, I would also recommend that you take a course like Dale Carnegie or Toastmasters. Or read books like How to Win Friends and Influence People.

It's admitable that you tried to help that lady on the plane, but sadly some have a God complex and will never accept help. I'd advise you just to ask people if they need help before just stepping in. I also find the seatback entertainment system on planes to be crappy. They lag, don't work at all or have limited shows or movies. So I load phone with the shows and movies that I want to watch.

 

[massman]

Whenever I need some help out on the street I always ask a woman (almost never a male) or sometime it's a woman who ask if I need any help.

I was on my bike shortly after Christmas. I heard something snapped. So, I pulled over on to the sidewalk. The damn rear derailleur snapped. Without me asking, a young woman who happened by asked if I needed any help. She actually tried to fixed the derailleur with her hands.

Question: How much does it cost to install a new derailleur?

But it probably was just the derailleur hanger that snapped, no? That is a cheap part and could easily be a diy job. I’d guess a bike shop would charge 30-40 bucks plus parts.

 

[massman]

Couldn't have said it better myself. OP, you've been on this board a long time and have surely come across rude people or trolls. Is your day ruined when you they're rude to you? I often wonder about people here because of the constant fights I see or those that take anything as a personal attack. The random people you'll come across online and in life have no consequence to you. So leave them be. Would it be better to regret not confronting random and rude people or not doing the things you want in life?

I also agree that you should focus on the people you deal with regularly like co-workers, friends, family, etc. because they can help or hinder your career and life. If you're having trouble with your communication skills, I would also recommend that you take a course like Dale Carnegie or Toastmasters. Or read books like How to Win Friends and Influence People.

It's admitable that you tried to help that lady on the plane, but sadly some have a God complex and will never accept help. I'd advise you just to ask people if they need help before just stepping in. I also find the seatback entertainment system on planes to be crappy. They lag, don't work at all or have limited shows or movies. So I load phone with the shows and movies that I want to watch.

I think the other 2 things that I would add is that 1) people often lash out or respond rudely when they are embarrassed. That may have been the case when you helped the lady with the bag, when she appeared to be struggling. 2) we never know what shit is going on in someone else’s life. Sure it’s not right to be rude to strangers because you are stressed etc, but it happens to all of us where some stress from one part of life bleeds into another. If I keep these things in mind, I am less likely to take these situations personally and it reminds me that their rudeness is their issue, and not mine so I can continue and go about my day without letting it get to me or upset me.