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Girlfriend Advice...

I was in a long-term relationship a while back with a woman who had never been married. It took a while to figure out, but I finally realized that she just didn't know how to be half of a couple... She had a busy career and was doing post-doctoral research. And taking music lessons. And studying a second language. It didn't leave a lot of time for "us"... Eventually we went our separate ways.

A couple of years later I realized that it wasn't personal... just the way she is. So we're back on. I edit her research papers, suffer through her practicing her music... but she has given up on the second language.

Getting back to the original request for advice: Either accept her the way she is or move on. I have come to admire my g/f's drive and dedication.
 
I was once in a similar situation. She'd break off 2/3rds of our dates cause she was still stuck working one of her two jobs. I accepted it, but after awhile it was like we weren't even around each other enough to be dating, so we broke it off. Sometimes people can be so caught up in trying to make a living and getting ahead that they have little time for anything else. Of course women and men use "work" as an excuse not to be involved or more involved with someone else but sometimes it's legit.

The questions you have to ask yourself is "Am I satisfied with the way this relationship is? Is it always gonna be like this?"
 
Hmmm I wonder if a guy posted what the previous poster did but only said something like "women need to be abused/ignored by their bf's" how well THAT would go over?

BTW Misty: it is wrong for men to generalize about women and it is just as wrong for women to generalize about men.

The problem the original poster asked for advice on has NOTHING TO DO WITH INDEPENDENCE, it has everything to do with being involved in a committed relationship. If a woman complained about her BF not having time for her and working all the time, I bet YOU would say dump him and move on....It is obvious that this woman isn't in a position to carry on a committed relationship at this time, with this guy.

Put it another way: I've had dates with strangers that last more than 2 - 4 hrs a week so I should think if you're involved with someone, you should spend more than that with them! (or at least have the DESIRE to).
 
ladyofthenite said:
K can I add one thing? What's with the "when a chick likes you she spends time with you?" Ok, trying to be unbiased and fair, sure when I was like 18 I did that. As a grown woman, I have my own dreams and aspirations and I wouldn't dare give up my independence to go chasing after a guy and prove that I like him. Most of us wouldn't...would any of you guys? It's one thing to spend time talking on the phone, but you are implying that if she doesn't give up at least one job to chase this man, and I'm sure he's great and all, like a young fool, that she doesn't like him? I'd say the fact that she's working 2 jobs and trying to spend time with him proves she does. Maybe she's not ready to commit more time because she isn't sure how she feels....trust me when I tell you, you guys might think you're sending out signals, but most of the time we DON'T catch them, so maybe she's waiting for a heart to heart to schedule some more time with you. Anyways, just my 2 cents, I could be wrong, but as God is my witness, I wouldn't put down my laundry to chase a guy now, never mind quit a job. If he wants to be with me, he has to accept my life, the crazy hours and everything, just as I have to accept his....end of story. Just because she's a woman, to say she should sacrifice at 6 mths into a relationship is crazy. Please feel free to voice disagreements, I am truly fascinated with how men view women and perceive our actions and how we think.
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ladyofthenite you have raised some good points, but your missing a key point. When she is with him her head is not into the encounter. If two people like each other then they are definately into each other. If this was a case that she was really into him but just didn't have the time to be with him then I'd agree with you. But in these circumstances its sounds kinda like the girl is in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.
 
Mystique Misty said:
This once again proves my theory ...men do NOT like independant women ! They might be turned on by us and appreciate our being independant for a short while but bottom line is they feel somewhat threatened and insecure with us being so motivated and self sufficient .
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I think the biggest single mistake that both men and women make is to presume that the other gender is so hugely different from ourselves.

I think that:
1-Men like women that pay attention to them and make them feel good about themselves as men.

and

2-Women like men that pay attention to them and make them feel good about themselves as women.


I don't think we are really that different
fj
 
fijiman said:
I think the biggest single mistake that both men and women make is to presume that the other gender is so hugely different from ourselves.

I think that:
1-Men like women that pay attention to them and make them feel good about themselves as men.

and

2-Women like men that pay attention to them and make them feel good about themselves as women.


I don't think we are really that different
fj
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Very well put fijiman. I don't care if a girl works two jobs, but if I feel like she isn't around for me then the relationship isn't going to work for me. If she works two jobs and she can find ample time to spend with me then all is good in the world.
 
Yeah, I think F-man's post is bang on.

Brownie you too have a good point. For eg: I don't care how busy you are but it is all about attitude too. For eg: If the woman I dated who pulled this shit with me said to me: listen, I understand that I am terribly busy and don't have a lot of spare time to spend with you, I am really sorry about that. When we next get together I promise that I'll be all yours for the night or ???
 
The problem I have is that I do not really have the time to devote to maintaining a relationship. I went out with a couple of women once, with the intention of going out again. Now, it's been two months ++ and I still haven't called them back to arrange another date. I've gotten spoiled with seeing SP's in the sense that I find it difficult to put any effort into dating/relationships in the conventional sense.
 
Thanks everyone for your help... There's a lot of different opinions here... I will do some thinking and keep you up to date :)
 
drlove said:
The problem I have is that I do not really have the time to devote to maintaining a relationship. I went out with a couple of women once, with the intention of going out again. Now, it's been two months ++ and I still haven't called them back to arrange another date.
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Y'see.... this is why they hate us. :D
 
Mikehorn said:
Y'see.... this is why they hate us. :D
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Also because after we sleep with them we promise to call em again...(and don't) lol

As for Misty, you started your post with:

"men do NOT like independant women ! They might be turned on by us and appreciate our being independant for a short while but bottom line is they feel somewhat threatened and insecure with us being so motivated and self sufficient . "

That is a LONG way from "majority" etc. Now I admit that you did eventually use those terms but after the initial generalizing statement, I wasn't paying too much attention to the rest, my bad.....

Again, I will reiterate: independence and relationships do not go hand in hand.

Independent:
1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker.
2. not subject to another's authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free: an independent businessman.
3. not influenced by the thought or action of others: independent research.
4. not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.
5. not relying on another or others for aid or support.
6. rejecting others' aid or support; refusing to be under obligation to others.


Now I will emphasize that no one should be controlled by others (even though we all are controlled by the ruling class/government etc) but when you're in a relationship you cannot arbitrarily do things like Book a week's vacation in the south of france without at least talking it over with your S.O. or attend a frat party and gangbang 12 frat brothers.....
 
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