Funny Bumper Stickers

[shinyam]

1)If this sticker is getting smaller, then the light is probably green.

2)Anyone can stop smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.

3)If you can read this you are too close -- please back off. [written in Braille]

4)Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

5)My child was inmate of the month at the county jail.

6)Honk if you hate noise pollution.

7)Honk if you've been groped by Clinton.

8)When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

9)They say there's no wrong way to eat a Reeses, but through a dead man's mouth has gotta come pretty close.

 

[shack]

On commercial vehicles:

Problems with my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT

Not a bumper sticker, but the back of a T-shirt of a motorcyle driver:

If you can read this, the bitch fell off.

 

[Cardinal Fang]

10) My "C" average son Farked your Honor Role Daughter.

 

[onthebottom]

Nuke Gay Wales

 

[glaeken]

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots. He Scores!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
1,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Grow your own dope, plant a man
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Never fight ugly people--they have nothing to loose.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
Fight crime, shoot back.
Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
Suicide is a way of telling God, "You can't fire me, I quit!"
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
Veni, vidi, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Learn from your parents' mistakes--use birth control.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Your proctologist called.. He found your head
Missing . . . Dog & Wife . . . Reward for Dog
Horn broke, watch for finger
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' . . . till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Itty-bitty cuddly bunnies . . . the other white meat.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!
Forget about world peace . . . Visualize using your turn signal!
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I like feminists; I think they're cute
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
Slap the Fat, Ride the Wave!
You say "Potato", I say "Shut up you drunken Irish bastard!"
Veni Vidi Napi: I came, I saw, I napped.
It is by caffine alone, that I set my mind in motion
Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit!
Happy as can be, under the circumstances
There's nothing wrong with me - so there must be something wrong with the Universe
Ban the Bra

 

[glaeken]

(Continued)

Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things in life are just better rich.
I'm out of estrogen - And I have a gun!
I need a man with an off switch.
Of course I look less busy than the men. I did it right the first time.
Women who seek equality with men have no ambition.
All men are animals, some just make better pets
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Laughing stock, cattle with a sense of humor.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Wear Short Sleeves: Support your right to bare arms.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I bite on the first date.
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.
Boned on the 4th of July
Don't sweat the petty things. But do pet the sweaty things.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they do.
24 hours in a day . . . 24 beers in a case . . . coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the bubbles tickled my nose.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
A good woman is hard to find...If you bury them right.
I have nothing against god, it's his followers that I can't stand
I used to be evil, now I'm just very, very naughty.
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
I'm smart as a horse, and hung like Einstein. Wait, that's not right....
No man is an island... but I sure wouldn't mind having a bigger moat.
It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.
Better to remain silent and be considered a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then realize you weren't asleep.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
Politicians and diapers need to be changed often...for the same reason.
With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.

 

[baci2004]

"If you don't like the way I drive stay off the sidewalk!"

 

[shinyam]

Lots of good ones, glaeken!

Sheik, what makes you so sure he didn't come up with all of those himself?

 

[tillithurts]

'I brake for Hallucinations '

 

[Leaffan1976]

I am what willis is talkin bout!

 

[Leaffan1976]

http://www.tshirthell.com/hell.shtml

I know they arent bumper stickers but funny t shirts!

 

[glaeken]

hey glaeken, which website did you rip all this off of?

Mine says "HORN BROKE, WATCH FOR FINGER"

It started off with a much smaller list that I've added to over the years. I have that and a bunch of other jokes on my own personal site but for obvious reasons I'm reluctant to release it here.

 

[Boyscout352]

'Insured By Smith & Wesson'

 

[Speedo]

Saw one in Indiana that read...
"Fuck you, ya fuckin' fuck !" ...which I found hilarious for some strange reason. Guess you had to be there...