Favorite funny quotes?

[Love Technician]

After hearing this one, I just wondered what other funny quotes people might know:
"Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
Any others?
LT

 

[anon1]

"Youth is wasted on the young"...Oscar Wilde

 

[squash500]

"The bigger the cushion the better the pushin"

 

[ThePunkPanther]

just about anything by George Carlin...

George is a "standup philosopher" in mine eyes.

 

[wpgguy]

A woman sitting beside an inebriated Winston Churchill says to him,
"Mr. Churchill, you're drunk."
Churchill replies,
"Madame, you're ugly. And tomorrow, I'll be sober."

That's one of my favorites.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch" Jack Nicholson

 

[A.J. Raven]

"Nothing is final until you're dead. Even then, I'm sure God negotiatates."

 

[a 1 player]

Fuck the fountain of youth, we need a fountain of smart.

 

[alexmst]

"The inflexible rule is that the proof of the pudding is in the eating."

- Bertolt Brecht

 

[Adrenalin]

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch" Jack Nicholson

Especially when he worked out who his mother was.


How about:


Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." Winston Churchill

 

[Dan20]

Gandhi, asked for his thoughts on Western civilization: "I think it would be a good idea".

 

[onehunglow]

Its a dog eat dog world and vice a versa!

 

[blueline]

Its a dog eat dog world and vice a versa!

Or .........

It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

.......Norm Peterson, Cheers

 

[Count Of Montecristo]

After hearing this one, I just wondered what other funny quotes people might know:
"Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
Any others?
LT

Stephen Wright?

 

[oleman]

Without chocolate, the world would be darkness and chaos.

 

[Ben Hogan]

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ~Agatha Christie

 

[PDSAjax]

Typically funny of the individual in question, but also a little sad because of the situation.

Reacting to news with "A sense of loss and abandonment with an incoherent, or perhaps I should say, violently coherent fury that made the Miltonic Lucifer's rage against Heaven seem a bit miffed by comparision."

Terry Pratchett on the Embuggerance of contracting Altzheimers.

Ok you may not get it if you dont know your classics.... The whole speech is here:

http://www.alzheimers-research.org.uk/assets/docs/20080311130911Speech_at_Alzheimers_Research_Trust_Conference.pdf

 

[geronimowh]

Somedays you're the bug, somedays you're the windscreen