Emotional hell: getting mixed messages from a girl, advice needed PLEASE!!

[stinkynuts]

I have known this girl for about three years. She's pretty, generous, caring, and talented; everything a guy could ask for.

She recently asked me to move in with her, as she doesn't have a roommate, and partly because she needs someone to pay the rent. She's not seeing anyone now, and neither am I. When I moved in, she was very nice to me, buying things for me to eat, and leaving notes. She flirted with me by smiling and looking into my eyes. In the past she expressed an interest in me, but I do not know if it was genuine.

Afraid that I would lose my chance, I started showing my interest in her by touching her hair, holding her hands, and flirting with her. She did not object to these actions.

Afterwards, she asked me whether I had a crush on her. I told her that I didn't, but I had feelings for her, and wanted her to go out with me. I was pretty sure she would accept, but what happened next floored me.

She first began to question whether my feelings were real. She said that it was just hormones, or that it was because I developed these feeling for her while she was sick and I was taking care of her. Then she said that she wasn't sure that she was ready for a relationship. She also said that she was afraid that if the relationship didn't work out, our friendship would be damaged (this happened to her recently with a close friend of hers. She told me that I should seek someone else younger (she's in her thirties and so am I). She continued to state reasons why she wasn't good for me and downgraded her virtues. When I said that I like her because she was generous, she dismissed it, saying that she could afford to be. Basically, she gave every reason why it wouldnt' work out.

I was seriously getting a bit confused and upset by this apparent rejection, so I asked her to simply tell me if she wasn't interersted. She denied that she did not like me, and said she was confused, and needed some time to think it over.

I am crazy about her, and yesterday I was lovesick. I hate being out of control emotionally like this, it's been pure hell.

She has been in some bad relationships, so she may be afraid. Or she may simply not be interested, and not want to hurt my feelings by rejecting me right away. Or she may simply want to preserve our friendly relationship so that I don't move out and she doesn't have to look for another roommate. She has expressed that she wanted to leave the country for a while, and I have a strong suspicion that she simply has me here to act as a house sitter, and to take care of her cat while she's gone.

When I asked her if she saw me as someone who she could spend the rest of her life with, she did not give a clear answer, but mumbled something.

I am so confused and in emotional turmoil right now. Can anyone piece together the pieces of this crazy puzzle and tell me what's going on? Why would she flirt with me and lead me on, and then be confused when I express my interest in her?

 

[jwmorrice]

She flirted with me by smiling and looking into my eyes.

Why would she flirt with me and lead me on, and then be confused when I express my interest in her?

That was the extent of her "flirting"? Maybe it is your hormones...and wishful thinking that have you wondering what's going on. Sounds like you're in the dreaded friendship zone!

jwm

 

[fuji]

She doesn't love you. Give me her number.

 

[chazz_matzz]

I have been in a few relationships that started in a similar way....In all cases it was difficult in the begining and only got worse as time went on...

My opinion is to cut your loses and move on

 

[Meister]

Does she know about your stinky nuts stinkynuts?

btw, how can you ask her about this:
"When I asked her if she saw me as someone who she could spend the rest of her life with, she did not give a clear answer, but mumbled something."
You haven't even gotten to first base. Do things in order.

 

[twentynine]

Sounds like she was giving you excuses for why you were so passive with her, instead of making your move. Fail.

 

[Berlin]

Agree with all above comments, even fuji's.

Let me quote maself ,

Mi amigo ,give yerself a nice treat : have a fab week of sexo in Cuba to refresh yer mind and soul. Time to move on.

Hook up with wetnose and have a banging fab time. May be she'll make herself available to you when you finally show no interest in things other than friendship. Move on stinky.

Does she know about your stinky nuts stinkynuts?

Saw it coming, stinky.... didn't ya ?

 

[a 1 player]

I disagree Chazz, I would have a serious heart to heart with her, but don't go over the edge ans say things like "could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with me?". Tell her that you have genuine feelings for her, that you love her for who she is, not just because she is 'generous'. I have found that the best relationships I have been in started off slowly, as friends and then developed into something more.

You need to tell her that with the feelings you have, it would near kill you to hear about relationship problems she is having with other men. Could it end the friendship? Possibly. You need to get out of the doormat phase and show that you are a contender. You already have a history which is good, now you have to bump up your game to take it to the next level. If it works, excellent. If not, at least there will be no doubt about the "what could have been".

You need to talk and be genuine, and for the love of all that is sacred, do not play the co-dependant role.

Just my opinion.

 

[Back Burner]

Fuck this feelings bullshit Stinky. Dude, check yourself!

She likes you as a friend and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, period. You're that nice guy that gets walked on while she's fucking the jerk.

Put her ass in the street and tell her to enjoy that relationship.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Coming from a female perspective... sounds like she bit off more than she could chew.

Sounds like you fell hard for her and I don't think that was her intention.

And I think you shifted the dynamic of your roommate/relationship by asking her (a roommate ) if she can see herself spending the rest of her life with you.

Might be best for you to distance yourself from this situation.

Best of luck xo

 

[alexmst]

I get the feeling that you and her were casual friends for 3 years, and then she thought you might like to room with her because you were buds and got along well. Okay, so I think I maybe agree with JWMorrice that you may be in the dreaded friend zone...3 years as just pals is a long time to be one way before the switch. Her buying you food, etc may just be her being nice to her flatmate who is sweet and nice to her. Maybe she thought "He's acting strange, better ask if he has a crush on me or something". So when you said you had feelings for her, her first reaction is too trivialize it to protect herself and the casual friendship. Her logic being, "well, I'm a girl, he's a guy...sure he must think of me sexually from time to time - it's only natural, even though we're friends. If I don't encourage it, it will pass (like gas) and then we wil be back to the happy roomates and casual friends we have been for years". So you say you have feelings, she says it's just a crush. You say she's generous, she says not really. You say she's beautiful, she says you could get someone younger and more beautiful. It could be she is trying to talk you out of your feelings because she values your friendship and doesn't want to lose you, as romantic relationships come and go and once gone, are gone. If she says she's not interested she worries you might walk, then again she loses a friend.

The more optimistic view would be that she has been hurt in the past, has low self-esteem, and doesn't think she is worthy of you. She then would be afraid that in a romantic relationship, you would see her as not being a special as you do now, and would break up with her. Then she'd lose you as a friend and as a lover. If this is the case, reassuring her of her worth and sticking with her should cause things to work out.

I dated a girl once who was in the first category - she valued me as her best friend, and when I tried to be her b/f she threw up all kinds of obstacles. I asked her if she wasn't interested, and she'd say that wasn't it - she needed more time to think it over. What she was hoping was in the more time I'd fall for another girl, forget about her romantically, and just keep being her best friend forever. This 'I need more time' went on for many months.

I hope in your case it is the more optimistic second category.

 

[stinkynuts]

I get the feeling that you and her were casual friends for 3 years, and then she thought you might like to room with her because you were buds and got along well. Okay, so I think I maybe agree with JWMorrice that you may be in the dreaded friend zone...3 years as just pals is a long time to be one way before the switch. Her buying you food, etc may just be her being nice to her flatmate who is sweet and nice to her. Maybe she thought "He's acting strange, better ask if he has a crush on me or something". So when you said you had feelings for her, her first reaction is too trivialize it to protect herself and the casual friendship. Her logic being, "well, I'm a girl, he's a guy...sure he must think of me sexually from time to time - it's only natural, even though we're friends. If I don't encourage it, it will pass (like gas) and then we wil be back to the happy roomates and casual friends we have been for years". So you say you have feelings, she says it's just a crush. You say she's generous, she says not really. You say she's beautiful, she says you could get someone younger and more beautiful. It could be she is trying to talk you out of your feelings because she values your friendship and doesn't want to lose you, as romantic relationships come and go and once gone, are gone. If she says she's not interested she worries you might walk, then again she loses a friend.

The more optimistic view would be that she has been hurt in the past, has low self-esteem, and doesn't think she is worthy of you. She then would be afraid that in a romantic relationship, you would see her as not being a special as you do now, and would break up with her. Then she'd lose you as a friend and as a lover. If this is the case, reassuring her of her worth and sticking with her should cause things to work out.

I dated a girl once who was in the first category - she valued me as her best friend, and when I tried to be her b/f she threw up all kinds of obstacles. I asked her if she wasn't interested, and she'd say that wasn't it - she needed more time to think it over. What she was hoping was in the more time I'd fall for another girl, forget about her romantically, and just keep being her best friend forever. This 'I need more time' went on for many months.

I hope in your case it is the more optimistic second category.

I find your answer very insightful and helpful. I appreciate everyone's advice, in fact. I think I may just be in denial about her true feelings.

She has tried to set me up on numerous occasions with her girl friends. So that may be a pretty obvious sign she's not into me.

BUT she explicitly has told me that she would go out with me on two separate occasions, if she were not going out with her current boyfriend at the time.


I want so much for it to be the optimisitic scenario you mentioned. She does have low self esteem, and maybe flirting to get me interested was her way of validating her self-worth, though she may not be really interested in me.

I did reassure her that I would still be her friend, no matter what. As a1 player mentioned, the best thing would probably be to have a genuine heart-to-heart talk with her.

I will keep you all posted to what happens next... Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

 

[LadyTY2Uall]

Is it possible that she thinks you are a player and only want her to play with till something better comes along? Perhaps she is simply testing your sincerity by throwing obstacles in your way? Is she maybe trying to set you up with girfriends just to see if you will take the bait? Sounds like something I used to do and the reason was self-preservation not lack of interest.
Oh, if a man tells me he cares for me I hope he does not have a reason, especially a reason like I am generous, I hope it is because he sees the real me and cannot imagine himself living another moment without me. JMHO

 

[stinkynuts]

Is it possible that she thinks you are a player and only want her to play with till something better comes along? Perhaps she is simply testing your sincerity by throwing obstacles in your way? Is she maybe trying to set you up with girfriends just to see if you will take the bait? Sounds like something I used to do and the reason was self-preservation not lack of interest.
Oh, if a man tells me he cares for me I hope he does not have a reason, especially a reason like I am generous, I hope it is because he sees the real me and cannot imagine himself living another moment without me. JMHO

It very well could be, ladyty2uall. She expressed her concern that I would leave her and cheat on her, especially when she was not attractive anymore.

I did try to express my seriousness and committment to her by saying that I could see being her for the rest of my life, but maybe that was a bit extreme and backfired.


I think that setting me up with her friends may have been a way to test whether I was interested in her, but I'm not sure.

 

[james t kirk]

I haven't read one bit of good advice above.

First off, you have to look at it purely objectively.

What do you want?

Once you answer that, take action to make it a reality and don't over analyze the situation like she is. (And boy, is she over analyzing, but she can be forgiven, she's a woman, you're not.)

So, if you want her, then make a move, make another move, until she says she's definitely not interested at which point you give up and move on.

The worst you can hear is no.

 

[baci2004]

Well said James!

Please don't do the heart to heart! Please don't do the heart to heart! Please don't do the heart to heart! Your nuts may stink but don't cut them off.

You can have a heart to heart with your folks, your wife, your best friend, even a stranger but not with a chick you like.

Just take her out a couple times and see what happens. You are already friends and living together it's a no-brainer....."c'mon we're going out"

 

[moviefan]

My two cents -- my gut tells me you're in a no-win situation. Regardless of motives, the yard stick has been moved pretty far (such as living together) while staying in the friendship zone. So it makes it very difficult for you to take things to the next level.

I was in a situation somewhat like this years ago (although not living together), and it ended badly.

I hope things go better for you. My one piece of advice is that you're going to have to find a way to force the situation. As others have said, you will be better off knowing where you stand, even if it does change (or end) the friendship. I think it is impossible to maintain a friendship when at least one of the friends has stronger feelings.

 

[incognito]

Buddy, i feel for ya, i really do. But short answer, you're fucked, move on. Long answer, you can talk to a chick for that answer. LOL (not laughing at you bud, it's just happened to me all too often)
This is from my observation, if a chick likes you, you can do no wrong and you'd already be banging her. If she doesn't, she might string you along for fun (if she's sadistic) but most will give you the polite brush off (it will damage your friendship bullshit). Just hang in there. I am.

P.S -As someone said, don't have the o' heart to heart talk. You'll come off looking weak and she'll lose what little respect she has of you.

 

[BottomsUp]

Why would she flirt with me and lead me on, and then be confused when I express my interest in her?

Some women love doing this to men. They want to test their own attractiveness by seeing if the guy bites or not, then let him down, once they've confirmed that the guy finds her attractive. Back in my day we called them 'cock teasers'.

 

[incognito]

I can't believe i just said that.