Emotional hell: getting mixed messages from a girl, advice needed PLEASE!!
- Thread starter stinkynuts
- Start date
OK, well it turns out that she really wasn't fucking her ex...
But she did go out on a date last week, and asked me if it was OK. I was devastated, and had to go for a long walk. But when she was leaving for the date, she was clearly upset.
Things have changed a lot since I moved in, when she was flirtatious and would spend a lot of her free time with me, and make lots of eye contact. Now she spends very little time with me, and makes less eye contact. She is working a lot more, so that has something to do with it, I suppose.
So, basically things are friendly, but the potential for becoming lovers seems to have faded. It used to be that early on, she was almost trying to seduce me. I screwed it up.
I think what did me in was expressing my feelings for her and having the heart to heart talk. Basically, she told me it wasn't possible, and since then the potential for love seems to have evaporated overnight.
She confessed that she was interested in me at one point (as I mentioned), and told me of a dream where I kissed her, and it felt good for her.
I still like her a lot, and am just waiting to see what develops. In the meantime, I plan to see other girls. I think if I do get a girlfriend, she might become jealous and see me as more attractive.
But she did go out on a date last week, and asked me if it was OK. I was devastated, and had to go for a long walk. But when she was leaving for the date, she was clearly upset.
Things have changed a lot since I moved in, when she was flirtatious and would spend a lot of her free time with me, and make lots of eye contact. Now she spends very little time with me, and makes less eye contact. She is working a lot more, so that has something to do with it, I suppose.
So, basically things are friendly, but the potential for becoming lovers seems to have faded. It used to be that early on, she was almost trying to seduce me. I screwed it up.
I think what did me in was expressing my feelings for her and having the heart to heart talk. Basically, she told me it wasn't possible, and since then the potential for love seems to have evaporated overnight.
She confessed that she was interested in me at one point (as I mentioned), and told me of a dream where I kissed her, and it felt good for her.
I still like her a lot, and am just waiting to see what develops. In the meantime, I plan to see other girls. I think if I do get a girlfriend, she might become jealous and see me as more attractive.
Thanks Stinky for the update. Don't take what Rub says too seriously or personally (unless he is right). Actually from what you have told us, he may be right in part or in whole, although he was brutal in his delivery. Your reactions at several points in the evolution of the story seem to be a little out of whack or over the top, or something. Like for example your assumption that she was screwing her ex. But I wish you luck in finding peace in a difficult situation. I am sure you are hurting.
Situation is getting confusing
Thanks, Questor, for your kind words.
She is now officially back with her ex, and spending nights over at his house. He is a fat loser who is using him, and she is in denial.
She suffers from low self-esteem and is very insecure, and comes from a troubled family background. Perhaps that has something to do with why she is returning to this "creep", as she once called him.
The weird thing is that I feel kind of happy. For several reasons. One, I know that there's not a snowball's chance in hell that it will work out. Two, I am angry towards her and wouldn't mind seeing her get hurt by the very man she chose (over me).
This guy is such a jerk, and he is now invading my territory. He came over to our apartment the other day, for a brief moment. But I suspect that these visits are going to become more frequent and longer, until I can no longer feel comfortable living here. Then it will be either myself or my roommate who will say that it's best if I leave the apartment, while her ex moves in.
I have two choices. Leave immediately, or play it out. I think there's a chance she'll break up with him in the upcoming months. Perhaps that will be my opportunity. But there's a part of me (a growingly large part) that doesn't even want her anymore.
She's a very sweet girl, but has a lot of issues. I can easily get a girl without any issues, but somehow I feel guilty for abandoning her because she has problems. She never chose to have them. I think, as a friend, I should be there for her unconditionally.
However, she has hurt me over the last few weeks, ignoring me completely, and spending all her time with her ex. I'm confused as to what I should really do. I'm trying to do the right thing, but am not sure what it is.
Thanks, Questor, for your kind words.
She is now officially back with her ex, and spending nights over at his house. He is a fat loser who is using him, and she is in denial.
She suffers from low self-esteem and is very insecure, and comes from a troubled family background. Perhaps that has something to do with why she is returning to this "creep", as she once called him.
The weird thing is that I feel kind of happy. For several reasons. One, I know that there's not a snowball's chance in hell that it will work out. Two, I am angry towards her and wouldn't mind seeing her get hurt by the very man she chose (over me).
This guy is such a jerk, and he is now invading my territory. He came over to our apartment the other day, for a brief moment. But I suspect that these visits are going to become more frequent and longer, until I can no longer feel comfortable living here. Then it will be either myself or my roommate who will say that it's best if I leave the apartment, while her ex moves in.
I have two choices. Leave immediately, or play it out. I think there's a chance she'll break up with him in the upcoming months. Perhaps that will be my opportunity. But there's a part of me (a growingly large part) that doesn't even want her anymore.
She's a very sweet girl, but has a lot of issues. I can easily get a girl without any issues, but somehow I feel guilty for abandoning her because she has problems. She never chose to have them. I think, as a friend, I should be there for her unconditionally.
However, she has hurt me over the last few weeks, ignoring me completely, and spending all her time with her ex. I'm confused as to what I should really do. I'm trying to do the right thing, but am not sure what it is.
Stinkynuts (goodness, hell of a name considering the topic here)
Speaking as someone who's been there, I strongly suggest getting on with your life.
Your story reminded me so much of another friend I had. I went through the agony, and hope, we'd finally get together. But, instead, it was just a waste of 10 years.
When I finally hit 40 -- and I found out she met another jerk and was marrying him -- I finally resolved to do what I should have done when I was younger: Find another girl I liked, ask her out, and if she says no, move on and find someone else I liked. The second girl I asked out said yes, and we've been happy ever since. That was 2 years ago.
Within that first year my "friend" married the jerk, and they were divorced by the following summer. Naturally, she contacted me as she always did when she's single. I emphasized with her situation, but I was done with being her shoulder to cry on. She had her chance -- 10 years worth, in fact -- and that was WAY more than she, or any woman, deserved.
There's a very simple rule to avoid falling into the "friend trap": If you like a girl, ask her out as soon as possible. Don't waste time thinking or analysing. And if you still like her by the end of the first date, kiss her (if you feel that's too aggressive, or you're worried she doesn't feel the same way, simply say it "I wanna kiss you").
The worst that can happen is that you invested a day or two of your life with someone who is not interested in you. Hell of a lot better than years.
Speaking as someone who's been there, I strongly suggest getting on with your life.
Your story reminded me so much of another friend I had. I went through the agony, and hope, we'd finally get together. But, instead, it was just a waste of 10 years.
When I finally hit 40 -- and I found out she met another jerk and was marrying him -- I finally resolved to do what I should have done when I was younger: Find another girl I liked, ask her out, and if she says no, move on and find someone else I liked. The second girl I asked out said yes, and we've been happy ever since. That was 2 years ago.
Within that first year my "friend" married the jerk, and they were divorced by the following summer. Naturally, she contacted me as she always did when she's single. I emphasized with her situation, but I was done with being her shoulder to cry on. She had her chance -- 10 years worth, in fact -- and that was WAY more than she, or any woman, deserved.
There's a very simple rule to avoid falling into the "friend trap": If you like a girl, ask her out as soon as possible. Don't waste time thinking or analysing. And if you still like her by the end of the first date, kiss her (if you feel that's too aggressive, or you're worried she doesn't feel the same way, simply say it "I wanna kiss you").
The worst that can happen is that you invested a day or two of your life with someone who is not interested in you. Hell of a lot better than years.
Thanks for the advice, guys. I'm glad I'm not the only one who went through this, and think that by following your advice I can save myself a lot of anguish.
I did forget to omit one very important detail. The two are now engaged. I cannot see it ever working out. She's too emotionally unstable, and he's a selfish, abusive loser.
Despite the fact that she still owns a part of my heart, I have made the decision to move on with my life.
I did forget to omit one very important detail. The two are now engaged. I cannot see it ever working out. She's too emotionally unstable, and he's a selfish, abusive loser.
Despite the fact that she still owns a part of my heart, I have made the decision to move on with my life.
BigBear7 said:
Sorry to hear about your experience, bigbear7, that really sucks, but thanks for sharing your experience and for your advice. I'm very happy that you finally found the right woman.
In point of fact, there were at least a half dozen women in my life who were dear "friends." All were beautiful, intelligent, loved hanging out with me -- but ultimately wanted nothing to do with me.stinkynuts said:
One of them also got married in the spring, and I was invited to the wedding. Naturally I brought my new love with me. The bride didn't take much notice of us until the dance portion of the evening, when I took my lady friend up onto the floor and we had a gay old time smiling and laughing, hugging and twirling on the dance floor. Halfway through my girlfriend whispered in my ear that the bride "is glaring at us." My girlfriend knew all about my past, and my failed attempts to date the bride when she was single. Plus, as a woman, she had a pretty good idea what the bride was thinking. So did I. I didn't even bother to see for myself. I just smiled and hugged my girl closer.
Trust me, dude. It's a great feeling to move on.
But even though my past love life (if you can call it that) "sucks" as you rightly point on, it's not that I regret it. As with most things in life, it taught me to recognize the things that are important. I won't tell you what that important thing is, because it's different in all of us. Sort of like that life lesson Curly tells the Billy Crystal character in CITY SLICKERS. One day, I trust, you'll figure it out too. Good luck.
LOL@bear, isn't it great when you can actually rub their nose in it? It rarely happens but when it does, damn it's a good feeling. Similar thing happened to me, an ex gf (who I was still in touch with as "friends") was all telling me about how she and her girlfriend had these guys coming over and they were going to cook em dinner blah blah blah so she couldn't accompany me to this big shindig with a bunch of mutual friends.
SO I was like, ok, no problem. So for once in my life I hooked up with someone the following night lol (rare for me). So two or three nights before this big shindig the ex gf calls me up and is hinting around about coming to the party and how her plans were cancelled blah blah blah. I said, well, that's too bad, but you can't come to the party, she was all like "why, why not"? I said "just because..." she was like "tell me, I won't get mad" so I said "just because, leave it at that". She said "you're not taking someone else are you"? I said "ummm ahhhhh" then she goes ballistic calling me every name in the book and I'm just laughing to myself. I finally get a word in edgewise and say "hey, I asked you first but you had all these big plans with these two guys, so what did you want me to do, pine away for you"?? LOL which started off another tirade...but in the end? Damn it felt good....made her realize that I wasn't a door mat for her to walk on......
SO I was like, ok, no problem. So for once in my life I hooked up with someone the following night lol (rare for me). So two or three nights before this big shindig the ex gf calls me up and is hinting around about coming to the party and how her plans were cancelled blah blah blah. I said, well, that's too bad, but you can't come to the party, she was all like "why, why not"? I said "just because..." she was like "tell me, I won't get mad" so I said "just because, leave it at that". She said "you're not taking someone else are you"? I said "ummm ahhhhh" then she goes ballistic calling me every name in the book and I'm just laughing to myself. I finally get a word in edgewise and say "hey, I asked you first but you had all these big plans with these two guys, so what did you want me to do, pine away for you"?? LOL which started off another tirade...but in the end? Damn it felt good....made her realize that I wasn't a door mat for her to walk on......
Actually, that wasn't my feeling. That's why I said it feels great to move on, not to exact revenge. That's also why I didn't bother to see what the glare from the bride looked like.tboy said:
I showed up at that wedding because I had met the groom and, from what I saw, he was a super guy. I was truly happy for her, and wanted to celebrate that. I didn't expect she cared anymore, as I certainly stopped caring what she thought anymore. I suspect she was more surprised than anything to see me happy as well.
Ultimately "moving on" means just that. Finding somebody you care about, and who cares for you -- not using a woman as a tool for vengeance. For that, hire a stripper.
LOL, I didn't mean you used anyone, but when it just so happens to work out that way, all the better!
I mean really, you can't admit even to yourself that you weren't more than a little pleased that the bride was GLARING at you? I mean, even in your post it sure seems like you knew it was bugging her hence why you pulled your date "closer".....and as for not caring what she thought, gimme a break, you knew it bugger her else you wouldn't have brought it up here and in this manner.
Now it's great to sit back and think we're above all this but man, face it, it felt good didn't it?
I mean really, you can't admit even to yourself that you weren't more than a little pleased that the bride was GLARING at you? I mean, even in your post it sure seems like you knew it was bugging her hence why you pulled your date "closer".....and as for not caring what she thought, gimme a break, you knew it bugger her else you wouldn't have brought it up here and in this manner.
Now it's great to sit back and think we're above all this but man, face it, it felt good didn't it?
Read the first and last page. Sorry no time to sift through 10 pages of this stuff. But I have to agree with the other guys that she's just not that into you. But you should take away a few things from this....
1) don't take it personally (you can't help it if she doesn't feel the same about you). You can second guess your actions and what you are all about but at the end of the day you already have an answer so it's too late to do anything about it.
2) she is not the only one. There will be other great catches out there.
3) ignore the guy who said that you shouldn't be hobbying and that you should have a mortgage. Those are his standards not yours.
4) It's okay to feel bad about it for a while but you gotta let it go. Pining for a girl who's not interested is not productive.
1) don't take it personally (you can't help it if she doesn't feel the same about you). You can second guess your actions and what you are all about but at the end of the day you already have an answer so it's too late to do anything about it.
2) she is not the only one. There will be other great catches out there.
3) ignore the guy who said that you shouldn't be hobbying and that you should have a mortgage. Those are his standards not yours.
4) It's okay to feel bad about it for a while but you gotta let it go. Pining for a girl who's not interested is not productive.
Wow...
...shaking my head....
"I can easily get a girl without any issues"
Then why haven't you??
Serious as a heart attack dude, and no insult intended (just a reality check)...you need to see a therapist. Not only do you apparently have no idea how male / female relationships work, but you also have some serious self esteem / self deprecation issues...and until you deal with them, no woman "without issues" will want anything to do with you.
The last advice I gave was spot on...that gal in the article you found totally has you pegged. Again...you need to listen....
stinkynuts said:
...shaking my head....
"I can easily get a girl without any issues"
Then why haven't you??
Serious as a heart attack dude, and no insult intended (just a reality check)...you need to see a therapist. Not only do you apparently have no idea how male / female relationships work, but you also have some serious self esteem / self deprecation issues...and until you deal with them, no woman "without issues" will want anything to do with you.
The last advice I gave was spot on...that gal in the article you found totally has you pegged. Again...you need to listen....
