Divorce

[ziprogers]

This is an old thread worthy of a good reddit/twitter stream.

But to OP - cut your losses and leave, heal, then move on. After some time, and your feelings towards your ex is indifference and possibly sympathy, then your only regret is that you didn't do this earlier. You do the best you can with what you have. Nobody's going to give you a fucking medal if you stick through it.

I went through it a few years ago. I'm actually happy that the ex has moved on and found her own happiness. I did the same. Our kid has grown up and is pretty well rounded, going through the same shit we did at that age. I've seen my younger colleagues going through the same thing; one of whom even committed suicide - that was stupid. But hey, my mind went there at some point myself, and self medicated until a doctor gave me the right kind of meds that cleared the fog and shit constantly swimming up there.

Sure that shit is expensive and time consuming, but it's worth it. It's going to take a lot of work, and a full detox of your mindset. You're not the first one to go through this, and you won't be the last.

 

[jeff2]

When I decided to get divorced, I remember seeing two different lawyers for the free consultations and they both gave me incorrect information. For one example I still remember, I sponsored my wife from the Philippines and at that time(over twenty years ago)I was on the hook to the government in case she went on welfare for ten years. Although I believe few if any people were actually made to pay, technically it was in the contract with the government that I signed. The lawyer said he could draw up a separation agreement to absolve me of this requirement. I do not believe any lawyer can change this contract I had with the government.

 

[HeavyNaturals]

Everything is in the wife’s favour
You have three kids so you are screwed
The law rewards women to leave a relationship you have to buy your way out
Get the best lawyer you can ( make sure the lawyer is ruthless )
Have her followed by PI and see if she is cheating but still doesn’t get you out free and clear
NEVER EVER MARRY a women IN THIS COUNTRY AS A MAN THE WORST BUSINESS DECISION YOU CAN EVER MAKE !!!!!

 

[Keebler Elf]

Just curious, no ulterior motives, if you get married and have/had $100K in investments/RRSP/bank account whatever, is that automatically divided 50/50 or if you keep it separate (don't use any of it on family expenses, presumably don't continue adding to it once you're married) is it yours post-divorce?

Not looking for a 100% correct answer, just curious as someone else mentioned assets you came into the marriage with potentially not being split 50/50. I always operated under the assumption it's 50/50 unless you have some kind of ironclad prenup (good luck).

 

[jeff2]

Just curious, no ulterior motives, if you get married and have/had $100K in investments/RRSP/bank account whatever, is that automatically divided 50/50 or if you keep it separate (don't use any of it on family expenses, presumably don't continue adding to it once you're married) is it yours post-divorce?

Not looking for a 100% correct answer, just curious as someone else mentioned assets you came into the marriage with potentially not being split 50/50. I always operated under the assumption it's 50/50 unless you have some kind of ironclad prenup (good luck).

If you had the money before you were married and can prove it, I believe it is still yours. You may have to split the interest and/or capital gains on the money during the marriage. Ontario family law is what applies to us. Every province has a set of rules.

 

[mandrill]

Just curious, no ulterior motives, if you get married and have/had $100K in investments/RRSP/bank account whatever, is that automatically divided 50/50 or if you keep it separate (don't use any of it on family expenses, presumably don't continue adding to it once you're married) is it yours post-divorce?

Not looking for a 100% correct answer, just curious as someone else mentioned assets you came into the marriage with potentially not being split 50/50. I always operated under the assumption it's 50/50 unless you have some kind of ironclad prenup (good luck).

Per marital assets are not split. You get to keep those, unless it's the mat home.

Only the assets between Date of Marriage and Date of Separation are split.

 

[radius]

I really messed up our finances but all money was spent on family spending what I couldn’t afford to keep her happy.

If you end up staying together, you have to fix this. From what you've said, you are both trying to use spending to create happiness and it isn't working. Think about the example this is setting for your kids and what norms they will pick up.

 

[Malibuk]

Have her followed by PI and see if she is cheating but still doesn’t get you out free and clear

This could be a big deal in some places like the Philippines but it is totally irrelevant here.

 

[mandrill]

Everything is in the wife’s favour
You have three kids so you are screwed
The law rewards women to leave a relationship you have to buy your way out
Get the best lawyer you can ( make sure the lawyer is ruthless )
Have her followed by PI and see if she is cheating but still doesn’t get you out free and clear
NEVER EVER MARRY a women IN THIS COUNTRY AS A MAN THE WORST BUSINESS DECISION YOU CAN EVER MAKE !!!!!

I love the law shit that you guys post.

Everything you just wrote is foolish, but the best part is having her followed by a PI. Why would that legally change fuck all in Canada?

I'll have to check out this thread more often for chuckle-wuckies.

 

[mandrill]

If you had the money before you were married and can prove it, I believe it is still yours. You may have to split the interest and/or capital gains on the money during the marriage. Ontario family law is what applies to us. Every province has a set of rules.

Yes, that's fairly accurate.

Except the matrimonial home gets split 50:50, even if you 100% owned it before the marriage.

 

[jeff2]

Yes, that's fairly accurate.

Except the matrimonial home gets split 50:50, even if you 100% owned it before the marriage.

Yes, also an inheritance and the gains on it can be protected from becoming family property under the Family Law Act. Or at least that was case 15 years ago when using Family Law Act, R.S.O. 1990.
Not sure what the updated story is for this. Probably still possible. It is a very good idea to have this stated in the will in a way that also protects against things such as amendments, successor legislation,
or any similar community of property legislation of any other jurisdiction.

 

[mandrill]

Yes, also an inheritance and the gains on it can also be protected from becoming family property under the Family Law Act. Or at least that was case 15 years ago when using Family Law Act, R.S.O 1990.
Not sure what the updated story is for this. Probably still possible. Very good idea to have this stated in the will.

Thanks for mentioning that. It's so nice to see someone who has actually taken the trouble to consult some actual sources.

No update. That's still the law and you did a decent job. If the testator / donor states that income from the gift / inheritance falls outside Family Property in the gift statement or will, it will not be divisible.

Don't do something dumb like put it in a joint bank account w your wife or sink it into the mat home though. That'll cause problems. Put it all in a nice GIC somewhere or your own, private stock trading account.

Guys, so I am not a total asshole to you, if you just read this web page, you can get a basic overview of ON Family Law.

What You Should Know About Family Law in Ontario - Ministry of the Attorney General

 

[lessjamie7]

HI all

Need some advice... I'm sure everyone has a lot of life lessons to offer.

Things aren't going so great with the wife. Lots of discussions about divorce.

I don't want to. However... it's just not a happy household anymore. Can't make her happy. Can't buy her expensive luxury items. She doesn't want sex. Just wants to shop, gossip, and spend money.

My question's are...

Is there life after divorce? I have 3 kids. Can we survive this financial turmoil? She stopped working due to the kids. I'm 40 and have a steady great paying job. I am fearful of the road that lies ahead. Time without my children. Support payments. What should I do?

Stop fucking escorts and talk to her instead of us.

LJ

 

[Jenesis]

Stop fucking escorts and talk to her instead of us.

LJ

He is.

But clearly things have been an issue for years. He started the thread asking about divorce and then updated it 4 years later with her affair.

The marriage is a mess on both sides. They need to either split amicably because they are both wrong in this situation OR go to counselling, be serious, do the homework and do it together.

There are really no other options as this point.

 

[desert monk]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend after looking down the road and considering this happening. When things start to get increasingly serious, I asked myself "Is this woman worth 1/2 my net worth today? What about 7-10 years from now?" For her, the answer was no. I did the math, and for the equivalent of what I would have to pay her today (minimum), I could make a 4% return on indefinitely and hire at least 6 high-end SP a month for the rest of my life. I did not see her as a good potential mother to my future kids, so it was really just a transactional relationship for both of us that would not have ended well in a marriage scenario, and it didn't even make sense to stay just for the sex due to the drama, risk, and time/money investment already involved. I suggest men approach marriage with the end in mind, the same way you would approach other serious life decisions.

This may seem cold, but I have heard women talk about their husbands, or heard what friends of my girlfriends say about their husbands/marriages, and they are completely tactical and cold-blooded in their strategy (and it is a strategy, forget what hollywood tells you about love). Why shouldn't men do the same for their own protection?

 

[Indiana]

 

[probyn]

double amen

Triple amen

 

[lessjamie7]

He is.

But clearly things have been an issue for years. He started the thread asking about divorce and then updated it 4 years later with her affair.

The marriage is a mess on both sides. They need to either split amicably because they are both wrong in this situation OR go to counselling, be serious, do the homework and do it together.

There are really no other options as this point.

The OP's comments about his marriage present it as irretrievably broken down which severely limits his options. Therapy? pulling the chunks out of a carton of sour milk doesn't change the taste of what's left behind. He should be talking to her.

Fucking escorts ( an issue on its own ) is pressure relief, it creates a false safe zone his mind can go to which has him avoiding the subject and consequences of divorce. Stop fucking escorts immediately and let that fog clear, trying to make decisions through that fog? You will fail to decide well for yourself.

By staying in it as it he is, he is limiting his and her personal, spiritual, physical growth ensuring a poor quality of life and prolonging a miserable situation that will only change when he has the courage to talk to her, as he ironically does us.

I'm not invested in my opinion, he can do as he will. Of one thing I am certain, doing nothing is the worst possible course of action.

It's not so much what decision he makes, what really matters? is what he does with it.

LJ

 

[Jenesis]

The OP's comments about his marriage present it as irretrievably broken down which severely limits his options. Therapy? pulling the chunks out of a carton of sour milk doesn't change the taste of what's left behind. He should be talking to her.

Fucking escorts ( an issue on its own ) is pressure relief, it creates a false safe zone his mind can go to which has him avoiding the subject and consequences of divorce.

By staying in it as it he is, he is limiting his and her personal, spiritual, physical growth ensuring a poor quality of life and prolonging a miserable situation that will only change when he has the courage to talk to her, as he ironically does us.

I'm not invested in my opinion, he can do as he will. Of one thing I am certain, doing nothing is the worst possible course of action.

LJ

Which is why I said he has limited options. There are only two. We only know the little he has written. Maybe he is willing to stop seeing escorts and be serious about his marriage.

I take it that you don’t like or agree with therapy as a whole based on your comments, but it has done wonders for me through out my life and for many that I know. I know quite a few it didn’t work for but they didn’t take it seriously, they didn’t do the homework and they were not completely honest with it. And to be clear, I meant for both of them to go. Couples counselling as well as some individual.

 

[lessjamie7]

Which is why I said he has limited options. There are only two. We only know the little he has written. Maybe he is willing to stop seeing escorts and be serious about his marriage.

I take it that you don’t like or agree with therapy as a whole based on your comments, but it has done wonders for me through out my life and for many that I know. I know quite a few it didn’t work for but they didn’t take it seriously, they didn’t do the homework and they were not completely honest with it. And to be clear, I meant for both of them to go. Couples counselling as well as some individual.

Like I said, I'm not invested in my opinion.

Good day.

LJ