That's why it is important to do it immediately. If he waits until after the divorce starts, then it will indeed be too late. It has to be done in the context of the happy marriage.
Divorce
- Thread starter bourne78
- Start date
I do agree with this part. Men who fall for the "man up and pay the bills" are suckers in their purest form. Even in this age of equality, try telling a woman that you expect her to pay the bills while you stay home with the kids. You would be better off telling her that you are a zombie.
As for marital counseling, here is a cheat sheet:
"compromise" = Do what she wants now and, at some point in the future, and that day will never come, she will do what you want.
"talk about your problems" = Listen to her bitch for hours until you can't take it anymore and, for just a moment's peace, you agree to whatever she wants. Going forward, she will say: "But you agreed. You could have said no."
The OP will spend the next 20 years busting his ass and shipping off his wealth to his ex-wife and her new boyfriend.
Assuming your wife is around your age - 40yo - or younger, the court will expect her to seek employment to look after herself, within a fairly short period of time. Maybe you'd have to float her for a year or two while she retrains or goes to school. But at this age in Canada you will not be paying long-term alimony. Child support, yes. And you will split your joint assets and move on alone.
But there is much more to this than finances. It sounds as if you don't want to divorce. Then don't. Work to recapture the friendship inside your marriage, if that can be done. Marital counseling sometimes helps, but I'd suggest individual counseling for yourself, to gain your own clarity on this stage of your life.
Marriages are not forever, and you shouldn't - imo - live a lie with your kids. A divorce would be a huge disruption, but it might still be for everyone's betterment. There are also mediation lawyers nowadays who are more humane than divorce lawyers.
But there is much more to this than finances. It sounds as if you don't want to divorce. Then don't. Work to recapture the friendship inside your marriage, if that can be done. Marital counseling sometimes helps, but I'd suggest individual counseling for yourself, to gain your own clarity on this stage of your life.
Marriages are not forever, and you shouldn't - imo - live a lie with your kids. A divorce would be a huge disruption, but it might still be for everyone's betterment. There are also mediation lawyers nowadays who are more humane than divorce lawyers.
Sometimes I don't blame people... the laws make people do really bad things in desperation. Like taking the family on vacation and paying someone in that country to orchestrate a lethal accident on her would be way cheaper and possibly less stressful than divorce. It probably happens much more than we are aware.
Never mind this thread, but from all the shit I've heard from coworkers getting divorces or legally separated, my dad was right.
Get a pre-nup. And if she says no, tell her to fuck off.
My dad and I butted heads on numerous issues (he's more old school thinking, while I'm more in the middle), but I got to him this one. Protect yourself and don't get screwed in divorces and settlements. He used to tell me this in the 80s. 30 years later and still holds true. I feel bad for all the good guys I know who went through this. It really bums me out too to see them like that.
And aside from one guy who seemed to settle it amicably, every other guy I know got screwed in divorces.
During a happy marriage it seems everything is smooth and nice, but one thing's for sure.... when it comes to divorces women almost always transform into money grubbing bitches who'll try to take as many dimes they can with them. You rarely see the guy (whether he makes a lot of money or not) doing the same thing. The guy just wants to break up and split things reasonably well so each person goes their own way.
The women will morph into a Bay St banker.
It's weird, but some reason that's how it works.
Get a pre-nup. And if she says no, tell her to fuck off.
My dad and I butted heads on numerous issues (he's more old school thinking, while I'm more in the middle), but I got to him this one. Protect yourself and don't get screwed in divorces and settlements. He used to tell me this in the 80s. 30 years later and still holds true. I feel bad for all the good guys I know who went through this. It really bums me out too to see them like that.
And aside from one guy who seemed to settle it amicably, every other guy I know got screwed in divorces.
During a happy marriage it seems everything is smooth and nice, but one thing's for sure.... when it comes to divorces women almost always transform into money grubbing bitches who'll try to take as many dimes they can with them. You rarely see the guy (whether he makes a lot of money or not) doing the same thing. The guy just wants to break up and split things reasonably well so each person goes their own way.
The women will morph into a Bay St banker.
It's weird, but some reason that's how it works.
At least one of you is being a selfish dick. Put your fucking kids first, end of story. "Things are not going great" - what the fuck. Things will go worse for your kids and they have their whole lives ahead of them. And what do you think will happen when they get married without knowing what a real family looks like. For fucks sake some people should never have kids.
Well-said.
Almost nobody gets married and has kids knowing their relationship is heading for failure. But shit happens and life changes. If the OP saw this coming before he had kids, then I'd agree, but hindsight is 20/20.
"Things are not going great" is an obvious understatement.
Do you think it's better for the kids to think a marriage doesn't need love to remain successful?
Do you know anyone that grew up with parents who only stayed together 'for the kids' that would force their own kids to endure that kind family dynamic? With certainty, I know of none.
He said there's been talk about divorce, it sure didn't sound like it's a foregone conclusion according to OP.
Even at a 30% success rate, that's a lot better than a 100% chance of divorce, assuming the marriage is indeed irreconcilable.
Ammunition for what? Unless she/he is being abused or one partner is cheating, it's a no-contest divorce. And if it's not a no-contest divorce, all it does is move up the timeline for dissolving the marriage.
Unless you're talking about custody. I'm not sure what you think could be brought up there which would impact the eventual outcome if the custody decision had to go to court to be settled.
It doesn't sound like a happy marriage if there is a lot of talk of divorce. If they're not having sex and have had conversations about divorce, the eventual date they agree to as their separation date may have already passed.
Seems like you're making a lot of assumptions about this couple when it comes to what would motivate her to abandon the idea of a divorce. Neither party improves their individual financial situation by separating when compared to what they'd become accustomed to as a couple.
If they aren't happy as a couple, quitting your job won't solve this issue. This is dumb advice. I get the feeling you may not know what you're taking about.
What you are suggesting sounds like imputation of income (which it is), and I'd be willing to bet there isn't a court in the country that would feel differently.
Assuming that quitting his job doesn't change her mind about wanting to separate, they'll usually calculate his support payments based on last year's income (you submit 3 years worth of financial records during disclosure).
Can't pay what was agreed to because he just quit his job? After he sells off his remaining assets to meet his support payments while staying unemployed, he'll need to apply to vary his support payments while he remains unemployed and now asset-less. As soon as his situation changes, he'll be back to the regular payment (usually based on last year's income). And if he doesn't actively seek employment he'd be facing legal penalties.
Assuming she gets the kids, this plan would be risky for someone hoping to have their shared custody agreement upheld by his wife going forward. Can't pay child and spousal support because you have no job? Good luck seeing your kids.
I don't know why I'm still debating this idea. It's stupid.
I know a lot of couples with prenups. Of those that have split, I can't recall a single time when the prenup wasn't tossed when it was challenged in court - this includes my grandfather (now long deceased) who had an 'ironclad' prenup drawn up before he married his nurse at 85 and divorced her at 90.
I'm not saying they aren't worth the paper they're written on, because they do serve a purpose, but I'm not sure what you think a prenup would have done for OP. She'd still be entitled to equalization and support.
Assuming OP didn't have a ton of assets by comparison to her at the start of their partnership, she gets half of the wealth they created together, and is entitled to support as she becomes self-supporting.
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OP - I had two sets of friends growing up whose parents divorced and still lived together. One friend's parents, to my knowledge still live together, many, many years after their kids moved out.
I have a few friends and a couple neighbours who intentionally bought homes steps from each other to allow for more shared parenting opportunities.
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Women are completely powerless when confronted with the temptation of free resources. It’s similar to how men are unable to resist the offer of a hot young pussy.
Why are millionaire actors and athletes still working well into their retirement years? To pay off the greedy, predatory cunts they divorced years ago.
Of course it's better than having one parent missing from your home, and seeing obvious conflict between your parents. And obviously when parents have issues and live together, they should do their best to keep it to themselves. I'm not necessarily blaming the OP for this particular situation, but still he probably could have chosen a better woman to have have his kids.
What’s worse behaviour to be modelled? Mom and dad fighting, or Mom financially and emotionally raping dad in perpetuity while there’s a revolving door of strange men lined up to her bedroom?
Ain't that the gosh honest truth!!!
As to those who say quit, what's your IQ? If that is the kind of solution you are looking for, then it is much more effective to commit suicide!
And you guys must think lawyers and judges are fools... they are taught by experience... by the time you get to go to them, they have been taught every trick and ruse in the book by those who came before you! Which, unfortunately, does not mean that the lawyers will necessarily act wisely... particularly if they are hard nosed.
What no one has mentioned, is that it is possible for people to live separately under the same roof even in difficult, unhappy marriages. I did not say all marriages. But you have to have the balls to make the adjustments that makes it possible for you.
The allure of reasonable financial security and that one household is cheaper than two can be be very alluring. This is where counseling and mediation can be very useful! Another added advantage is no fights over custody, etc.
I am not talking about theory. I am talking from my own experience. And one of the adjustments I made is what eventually brought me to TERB! :nod:
Perry
I agree with Perry as well. Probably the best case scenario other than figuring out a way to make her disappear permanently without raising suspicion while vacationing outside the country.
if we are looking at options like that, I think suicide should also be noted as a way out that requires some balls
I never understood that argument. For me, suicide is a coward's way out...
Of course, the act of suicide itself might take some balls if you are afraid of death...
Perry
so suicide is a cowards way out but sharing a house with your ex, seeing ( and maybe hearing?) her new bfs, thinking about her seeing your gfs, allowing her to continue influence your life way after you really should not, and it's all to save some money, that's ballsy?
fuck, absconding the fucking jurisdiction is probably more ballsy than staying in the same house. I've seen expat runaways like this running small shops or bars in Caribbean. Germans, British etc. They seemed happy.
Absolute gems on here. :der:
I'm pretty sure toughing out a shit marriage or having the mother of his children murdered aren't the OP's two best options.
I hope he can keep it together, but if it's not worth saving at this point, hit that MFing eject button. 4 in 10 first marriages fail in Canada. Welcome to the club! I doubt you'll hear from many divorced guys who regret getting the divorce, without kids or with. The grass is actually greener on the other side.
Doing what's best for the kids and divorce aren't mutuallly exclusive.
I've been hearing good things about divorce coaches. https://beta.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/a-divorce-coach-could-offer-a-calming-perspective/article24919969/?ref=https://www.theglobeandmail.com&
I've read this entire thread top to bottom more than once now.
It reassures one absolute and universal truth:
[SIZE=+7]NEVER GET MARRIED!
[/SIZE]
Never have been. Never will be.
I live the good life of a happily unmarried man.
It reassures one absolute and universal truth:
[SIZE=+7]NEVER GET MARRIED!
[/SIZE]
Never have been. Never will be.
I live the good life of a happily unmarried man.
