Dating advice needed -- aggressive mode?

[stinkynuts]

Believe it or not, I am 30 years old and have never had a girlfriend, or even dated. The problem is mainly that I'm shy and also I don't have confidence to ask girls out.

I know that I'll regret this later in life, so I would like to create some good memories. I've decided that from now on I am going to be ultra aggressive. If I see a girl I like, I will try to pick her up. It doesn't matter whether she's out of my league. A rejection, although a blow to my self-esteem is better than living with regret.

I am a decent guy. Girls do hit/flirt on me. But, unfortunately, no girls that I'm interested in have pursued me. So I guess I'll have to be the pursuer. It can be fun, I think.

At this point, I'm not even looking for a long-term relationship, but just to get know a lot of women, so I can experience what it's like dating different women. I would like to date at least five women before I get married. I think this will ultimately play out in my favor, as it would help me find out what I really want in a wife.

Another reason why I have never been in a relationship is because I never wanted to get involved with someone I wasn't sure was "the one." I didn't want to lead a woman, or use her. There have been opportunities where I could have pretended to be interested to get sex, but I could never go along with it. Now, I'm beginning to think that I will regret not taking advantage of any chance I get to know someone.

This new me ... is it right? Am I just having a mid-life crisis, or does my plan make sense? Has anyone else done something similar?

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Dont analyze it just date.

Lots of shy men overcome their lack of confidence. You are right you will regret this later in life. You have the right idea trying to correct this. But your approach is all wrong. Most women date without the expectation that it has to lead to something. Any woman who dates like that is a good woman to avoid. Noone will accuse you of trying to take advantage of a woman just because you date and it doesnt work out. That is unless you try to take her to bed on the first date and then dump her.

If you can face the rejection you've got half the battle won. Some good ways of meeting a woman are to strike up a conversation about what she's wearing, reading, or just carrying. "Say thats a great book, I read that last year and I really thought the author made a great point, etc..."

The new you is good. The plan makes sense. Good luck. if you meet someone nice find out if she has a sister for me.

Cheers

Wha

 

[Vancouver Femme Fatale]

I think I've found your problem...

...how will you ever know who's "the one" without knowing who isn't? Without 'mistakes', you won't have a clue.

Another reason why I have never been in a relationship is because I never wanted to get involved with someone I wasn't sure was "the one."

Also, a hell of a lot of girls don't want to be "the one". Tell them it's straight up sex and nothing more. You'd be surprised at how many of us will heave a sigh of relief knowing you'll bugger off after the deed so we can happily sleep alone.

 

[yeet]

Go downtown and wear a suit. The only time women ever 'check me out' is when I'm wearing dress clothes. Put on a nice suit or shirt and tie and you'll be amazed.

 

[RTRD]

Feedback...

Believe it or not, I am 30 years old and have never had a girlfriend, or even dated. The problem is mainly that I'm shy

I think your situation is similar to A LOT of guys on this board - they "hobby" for female interaction in lieu of actually interacting with women IRL.

Plus, I have a 40 yo friend who is in the exact same boat you are...

I've decided that from now on I am going to be ultra aggressive. If I see a girl I like, I will try to pick her up. It doesn't matter whether she's out of my league.

I wouldn't use the word "agressive", but you have the right idea. You need "at bats". You can't become a good hitter if you never spend time in the batter's box. MOST women...at least average women...are in the exact same boat. They are waiting for guys to ask them out.

Having said that - two more points.

1) I'd warn against going after women "out of your league" at first. Beautiful women, contray to myth, get hit on ALL DAY by guys who are a lot better at it at this point then you are. You need some practice and postive reinforcement right now to build your confidence...not some girl laughing in your face at your still-in-development approach (I've seen it happen...).

2) I think many guys like you have a distorted idea of what women look like. You guys think women are supposed to look like Maxim models. Maxim models look like Maxim models, and they are NOT going out with your sorry ass. Women look like your mom (when she was your age), your sister, the girl in accounting. Assuming you are an AVERAGE guy (and guys what - you are. It's called statistics and probablity) you need to focus on AVERAGE women. Not fat, not ugly...just average. And here is a secret - these are EXACTLY the sort of women dying to be asked out, because many morons just like you used to be ignore them. I swear have 3 or 4 perfectly fuckable female friends who go WEEKS without dates because guys don't ask them out.

I am a decent guy. Girls do hit/flirt on me. But, unfortunately, no girls that I'm interested in have pursued me.

I believe you are a decent guy, but as I mention above, you need to review the whole "no girls I'm interested in" thing. There is a reason why those girls haven't asked you out in 12 years of you being an adult. THEY AREN'T INTERSTED IN YOU.

On the other hand, any woman who even says "hello" to you first is stepping out on a limb. Women are socialized NOT to purse. Fighting this is of no value. Accept it, and work with it. If a woman has had the guts to speak to you first, you should reward such behavior by picking up the ball, creating a conversation, and asking her out (assuming you don't find her unattractive). Right now you aren't getting enough "action" to have the luxury of being picky - you need the practice. And who knows, you might get laid. You might even meet someone you really like if you can get past her extra 15 lbs.

At this point, I'm not even looking for a long-term relationship, but just to get know a lot of women, so I can experience what it's like dating different women.

Very smart. This is why you need to let go of the "no girls I'm interested in" thing." You need to get to know women.

So many guys think women are a total mystery. They are not. You guys just aren't spending enough time with them to learn this.

Another reason why I have never been in a relationship is because I never wanted to get involved with someone I wasn't sure was "the one."

This is stupid. Only the most moronic person thinks that every relationship has to be with "the one" in order to be worthwhile. I'm glad to see you've matured a bit.

I didn't want to lead a woman, or use her.

Not quite as stupid, but reflects your lack of knowledge about relationships and women. Not every woman is only interested in marriage, or even somethng super serious. Newsflash - women like sex too. Bulletin - Most (not all) women under the age of 27 aren't looking to get married.

What women DO want is to not feel like a cheap whore. So - you treat them like a lady, you respect their dignity, and you keep your promises as a gentleman (call when you say you will, whatever). But, if you are always honest and straight forward with your intentions MOST adult women in the age bracket you are likely to be targeting will understand that. And after a series of dates, things will either develop into something more serious if you both like, or they won't. And if they don't, one of you might be a little hurt because rejection DOES hurt, but you'll live. It isn't "using" a person - it's adult life and relationships.

In summary, you are on the right path - welcome to the real world, apart from strippers and escorts. Now wise up, be careful and get out there!!

 

[RTRD]

Yeah...

...how will you ever know who's "the one" without knowing who isn't? Without 'mistakes', you won't have a clue.



Also, a hell of a lot of girls don't want to be "the one". Tell them it's straight up sex and nothing more. You'd be surprised at how many of us will heave a sigh of relief knowing you'll bugger off after the deed so we can happily sleep alone.

..what SHE said.

Though in reality most women are NOT as...ummm...sexually liberated as an escort obviously needs to be, so I wouldn't go with EXACTLY this approach.

But her overall point - that "sex" doesn't necessrily equal "serious relationship" in the minds of most women is true. You need not fear "leading someone on" as long as you don't lead them on.

But - you do need to accept now that when it comes time to part ways there will be an awkward moment. That is life. If you aren't man enough to deal with that, then you need to stick to escorts...because like it has been said, "you pay them to go away".

 

[wrong hole]

Dude, don't be too aggressive...to the point where people can smell desperation on you

Make an attempt to talk to a person without coming on too strong

it's pretty easy to date anyone regardless of what they look like...the hard thing is finding a person you actually care about...now there's the modern day tragedy

 

[Meister]

Maxim models look like Maxim models, and they are NOT going out with your sorry ass.

And here is a secret - these are EXACTLY the sort of women dying to be asked out, because many morons just like you used to be ignore them.

THEY AREN'T INTERSTED IN YOU.

Great way to build the guy's confidence, lol

Just to prove your theory wrong: Last week I went to the Fifth and saw a scrawny, unattractive, short guy with a moustache ask a very attractive, tall girl to dance. They were dancing for like 20 minutes (he was a good dancer) and they were talking afterwards. And I am just going WTF?

 

[baltimoron]

I think it's best to avoid the dating sites, the singles bars, the pick-up joints, etc. These things tend to force compatibility. As the old Phil Collins song goes, "You can't hurry love."

Just go out and engage in hobbies (besides this one!) that you truly enjoy. Join groups related to these activities. This could be things like ski clubs, fitness clubs, hiking clubs, biking clubs, etc. Eventually, you'll find someone who shares your interest in these things, and as the 2 of you participate in this activity, a spark may develop and lead into a relationship. The trick is just knowing when to move from good friendship to dating.

 

[RTRD]

Ummm....

Great way to build the guy's confidence, lol

Just to prove your theory wrong: Last week I went to the Fifth and saw a scrawny, unattractive, short guy with a moustache ask a very attractive, tall girl to dance. They were dancing for like 20 minutes (he was a good dancer) and they were talking afterwards. And I am just going WTF?

...just because she was polite enough to dance with him after he asked doesn't mean she was prepared to go out with him, and it sure as shit doesn't mean she was prepared to sleep with him.

I'm not saying there aren't exceptions. I AM saying that a reason a lot of you guys sit at home lonely going through reviews to see who you will book next is because you think all women are supposed to look like SPs.

Let me ask you something - if every guy is going after the 8's, 9's and 10's, who do you think is going to be dating the 7's, 6's and 5's?

And...if every guy is going after the 8 to 10's, why would those 8 - 10 chicks chose a 5 or a 6 to go out with?

This is what I know and is what MY dating advice is based on: Between divorce number one and marriage number two there was a span of 4 years. In those four years I honestly cannot tell you how many dates I went on. I'd guess I dated roughy a different woman every month, typically 2 or 3 dates a month. In those 4 years I only had two "serious" relationships...one with the women I am married to now, one with a woman I dated for about a year while current wife and I were in different cities and had put things "on hold". I also had someone I dated for about a year that I wasn't serious about at all, but the sex was very, very good, so we kept going out, even while dating other people.

All the other dates I went on were casual - women I'd meet, ask out, and if they accepted, we would go out. I would say my success rate of asking leading to a date was about 50%...and my success rate of a first date leading to a second date leading to some booty was about 50%. So, one in four women I asked out I eventually slept with. None of these (non serious) women were expecting exclusivity - they all knew that when I was going out with them I was also asking other people out. That is called DATING.

Now, I am not claiming to be a stud, but I am thinking most guys cannot say that they are banging a new chick on average every month.

The secret to my success? I didn't waste time on women who were "out of my league". I learned early in life (thanks dad) that beautiful women are high maintenence...and that sex with a decent looking woman is usually better because they are less hung up on themselves and have fewer inhibitions (they are less likely to feel like they are doing you a favor, and more likely to appreciate your company as much as you appreciate theirs). My single life was filled...literially...with hot sex with decent looking and interesting women. A couple were hot (IMHO), most were just WOMEN. Not fat, not ugly...just the sort of women you see in your office or on the elevator every day. The sort of woman who probably hasn't been laid in three months because now that she is 35 instead of 25 and is having problems staying under 130 lbs, many men think she is "fat" and "old".

Hey, the orginal poster can do what he wants. He can take the advice, or he can keep doing what has worked so well for him so far...

 

[Svend]

Lots of good advice, MLAM. I wouldn't disagree with anything.

 

[wrong hole]

I sisn't waste time on women who were "out of my league".

I don't really believe in the 'out of my league' bit...it all depends on the person I suppose

It's harder to keep interested in a person 'being attractive' helps with initial meetings...but after a while there must be something more....perhaps good converstion or something else

the person can be super hot but after a while you would get bored of that...in my experience

 

[RTRD]

It does...

I don't really believe in the 'out of my league' bit...it all depends on the person I suppose

It's harder to keep interested in a person 'being attractive' helps with initial meetings...but after a while there must be something more....perhaps good converstion or something else

the person can be super hot but after a while you would get bored of that...in my experience

Some guys are just charming mother fuckers. And it has been documented a million times that women don't value looks as much as men. They value the "experience"...so if you have enough game to make them laugh, smile, and think to themselves "hmm...this guy is interesting...I wonder if he can fuck?", then yeah, it probably doesn't matter what you look like.

But I don't think a 30 yo guy who has never had a GF would probably qualify for this category, do you?

The guy needs PRACTICE. Then he can move on to uber-babes if he wants. But...most guys are average, and they date average women. And, if their head is one straight, they learn to live with this.

Like you said, there has to be something more after awhile.

I guess I'm old enough that I've learned to uber-chicks aren't good for anything other than impressing your friends...

 

[rockyy]

uber chicks

I guess I'm old enough that I've learned to uber-chicks aren't good for anything other than impressing your friends...

actually i tested that and it wasn't really true... for awhile i was into dating beautiful women, and my theory was they were all lonely ... so i would just walk right up to them and talk to them .. like they were just ordinary folks ... I never hit on them, never flattered them or told them they were beautiful .... it actually worked very well when i laid my cards on the table .. even when it came to sex.

I would ask them about things, and just generally try and find something to like beside their appearance. Usually I'd find something in their personalities to like. Sincerity is the key: Women have terrific bullshit detectors. It's amazing what you can get away with if you can appear sincere doing it.

i stopped pursing them because i got bored digging around for something to like. It - and they - got to be boring .. and here I'm tempted to say 'like most women', except it would be more accurate to say .. 'like most people'.

you know after years and years of making small talk with women and pursuing them, and romancing them and charming them and making them laugh, it's all come down to ... ' Hi I'm Rocky, I like this and that and the other thing ... ' within 30 words or less. Some appreciate that kind of brevity and honesty, some don't. But I try not to waste anybody's time, especially mine.

 

[Gawd]

Here is a motto I live by that might help your confidence:

When are you gonna see them again?

This has a positive result either way. You ask the girl out, she says no, big deal, chances are you won't ever see her again. If she says yes, good stuff, you see her again.

As a man, you hafta rid yourself of those evil emotions. Regret, guilt, sensitivity, etc. the stuff women are made of. Then you can get through life a lot easier.

 

[papasmerf]

Become a cable TV guy

you will get more offers then you would ever want. You have no idea how easy it was to get a special tip from the ladies when I did cable.

 

[Svend]

I can't believe there isn't a constant crowd of drooling guys surrounding Selina wherever she goes.

 

[superquad1968]

Why do you think that is?

Just that most men believe that you are taken. On the other hand MLAM's point about being an uber-chick therefore we are not worthy?

When I was single the thought of asking you out would scare the bejesus out of me.

Now that I'm attached, what you doing Saturday night?

 

[ruck]

First off, I think coming on this board and asking about dating advice is akin to walking into a lions den and asking about tigers. While both hunt, they hunt differently.

Now with that said, I can feel your pain bro.
Just suck up the nuts and go out and ask some ladies. I was in your boat many years ago but a good friend of mine helped me rid it. It was his laughter. Everytime a woman turned him down, he laughed in her face and walked away. A few women would get pissed or just ignor him but most would stare at him with disbelief. I swear most of them would look at him like they wanted him. He acted like it was no sweat and that they were the ones missing out. Women are curious beings. Feed their curiosity. While is this overly grotesque male laughing to my rejection? What does he have to offer that I have just passed up.
Obviously this is not the ideal way to pick up chicks, but it is a good lesson in levity. Take it all in stride. Don't take it too seriously. Date a bunch of women. Get to know them. What you like, what you dislike. The only advice I will give to you is to NOT LOOK FOR THE PERFECT WOMAN.
There is no such thing. If you think she's perfect and all of a sudden you find a fault, that will become a huge deal. The smallest fault that would normally be overlooked, is now huge because up until then, you found her perfect.

About 7 months ago, I was dating 4 girls at the same time. 5 if you count the sp I was in love with. LOL. Anyways, as much as it seemed like I was having a blast, I wasn't. It was too much work. Find someone who you are comfortable with and take it slow. Play the field but don't become a playa.

Bye for now and good luck O' 30 Year Old Dateless man. LOL

 

[Meister]

* I myself avoid good looking guys as they tend to be egoistic asses.

Maybe you don't get asked out because guys may assume that good looking women are egoistic asses?