Can an SP ask for fidelity from a BF?

[LadyTY2Uall]

[HR][/HR]I was speaking with a friend a while back and we were discussing what each of us expected from a relationship,,,,bf, etc. One of my requirements was faithfulness. She said she was surprised considering what I do.
Is this a common feeling?
My thoughts are that what I do is my job. Sex with a client is completely different than having sex with someone I care about. I do not see it as being the same in any way, yes the act is the same but the passion and feelings are not. It is not the same as seeing someone smoking hot and going out of my way to seduce them. Yes some of my clients are sizzling hot and wonderfully talented and I enjoy my time with them very much. However, they came to me,,,,,I did not go after them, it is a business transaction however enjoyable it may be and however well we may get along, even though I do consider some of my clients as friends we don't 'hang out' or talk to each other outside of the bedroom. It does not compare to a relationship, that warmth, that intimacy, that 'can't get you out of my mind' feeling, the giddiness and butterflies and overwhelming desire for him/her. Knowing that he/she is thinking of you just as much, wanting to just lay together, holding each other.......well, you get my drift. lol
So, am I unreasonable for feeling that any boyfriend/lover of mine should be faithful? I do not object to casual one time sex with someone of convenience providing he is open with me about it, but for him to actively seek out another woman? That would hurt me a lot.
Anyways,,,,,,what are your thoughts?
__________________

 

[alwayslooking]

"No"

 

[Mervyn]

Your relationship is either open or not , to be "fair" any conditions the two of you agree upon have to be the same. If you can see a client more than once, why can't he see a woman for casual sex more than once ?

 

[shack]

Can an SP as for fidelity from a BF?

Why not? If you don't ask, you don't get.

If he becomes an escort then he can have sex with other women.

 

[fmahovalich]

Sex is too important to a man...hence the BIZ.

You will likely be too tired from the business to put out 5 times a week. Given the big picture, a guy certainly would expect it 5 times a week!

 

[LKD]

sure .. why not.. every guy is different.. but you should be willing to give up being an SP too if he asks you

otherwise HELL NO..

Sex to most people is still considered a sacred thing.. well atleast between two lovers.

 

[Questor]

[HR][/HR] Sex with a client is completely different than having sex with someone I care about. I do not see it as being the same in any way, yes the act is the same but the passion and feelings are not. It is not the same as seeing someone smoking hot and going out of my way to seduce them. Yes some of my clients are sizzling hot and wonderfully talented and I enjoy my time with them very much. However, they came to me,,,,,I did not go after them, it is a business transaction however enjoyable it may be and however well we may get along, even though I do consider some of my clients as friends we don't 'hang out' or talk to each other outside of the bedroom. It does not compare to a relationship, that warmth, that intimacy, that 'can't get you out of my mind' feeling, the giddiness and butterflies and overwhelming desire for him/her. Knowing that he/she is thinking of you just as much, wanting to just lay together, holding each other.......well, you get my drift. lol

What a wonder piece of rationalization your post was. True, I get the difference between sex for money, which is what you do, and your bf having a full blown affair with all the feelings that go with it. But wait a minute. So you are okay if he pays for sex? Just a business transaction, even its a great time in the sack. Just as long as they don't hang out together like friends. Or for that matter, why not if he picks someone up at a bar and has one night of meaningless sex? Or if someone hits on him? As long as there is no heavy emotional component to it, why not?

I don't have a stake in what goes on between your bf and you, so whatever you agree to is fine by me. If he's really got his shit together, he might see it your way. But he would likely have to see that you have a well developed exit plan (for the industry) and be really focused on making a life with you in the long term. Either that or he must have really poor prospects and low self esteem. Well, that's my take on it anyway. Good luck in resolving it. Its a difficult situation, and I am sure you deserve love in your life.

 

[Hurricane Hank]

He should, at the very least, be allowed to hobby in the open.

 

[DocOdd]

You're being unreasonable.

 

[AJstar]

He should, at the very least, be allowed to hobby in the open.

Agreed and Ladyty should pay for it. That way there is no emotional 'cheating' according to Ladyty.

 

[fmahovalich]

the question truly is...

ARE YOU GOOD WITH HIM BEING A S.P.??

 

[Blue-Spheroid]

So, am I unreasonable for feeling that any boyfriend/lover of mine should be faithful?

Don't take this the wrong way. I think everyone has a right to decide what they are looking for in a relationship. However, depending what you want, it may be very difficult (or impossible) to find. Additionally, if you set different standards for yourself and your boyfriend, it may make it even harder for you to find a partner that fits your expectations. For example:

• You state that your activities as an SP do not constitute unfaithfulness because they are purely physical and without emotional attachment. I wonder, if your BF saw other SPs for physical pleasure only would that be OK?
• You claim that even when you enjoy your professional sessions with attractive men, that's OK because they sought you out and you didn't go looking for them. I wonder, then if it would be OK for your BF to enjoy (emotionally unattached) casual sex with a smoking hot woman as long as she's the one who hit on him?
• You explain that, for you, sex with a client is completely different than having sex with someone you care about and does not constitute being unfaithful. I wonder, then if you would be OK with your BF having sex with other women as long as he didn't care about them?
• You outline that your encounters with men are acceptable in a relationship because (in part) they have sought you out and you didn't go after them. I wonder if you would consider it OK for your BF to advertise on-line and in chat rooms that he is looking for a sex partner; as long as he didn't initiate the first text or e-mail with his sex partners?

What the above really points to is that relationships are complicated.

As men, most of us can easily relate to the difference between sex for recreation and emotional attachment. How many millions of times have men gotten into trouble because they had a purely physical encounter with someone who was not their wife or GF and the wife or GF could not accept it? Many men have absolutely no problem having recreational sex without it changing the genuine love they feel for their spouse; however the spouse rarely sees it that way. In this case, the roles are reversed. You are the one having sex you claim is meaningless while you expect your boyfriend to be faithful and only have one sex partner.

It's not easy for men to be in a truly caring and romantic relationship with a sex worker. There are very few of us that would be genuinely OK with knowing that the love of our lives is being ogled, touched, and/or penetrated by multiple men during the course of a day. I think that there are some men that are more attracted to the idea of having dated a stripper or SP and would (for a time) put up with it so they could brag to their friends taht they were so manly that a "pro' did them for free. However these men are not long-term material for any serious and genuine woman; they are just using her to stroke their own egos.

If a lady wants to actively work in the business and try to have a relationship at the same time, she should either adjust her expectations or be ready to wait a long time until she finds someone compatible.

 

[milehigh]

I would say your statements, whether other people agree or not, are common to some degree. I have heard them before for sure. Unless you have been in such a relationship as you speak of, it is hard for outsiders to judge. I did have a friend in the biz who was devestated when she found her boy friend cheating, as an example for you. I think when you have a really strong connection with someone you are in love with, it is really a more important connection than physical, and that is what I hear in some of your statements. I think when "cheating" on someone, an emotional or love attachment goes a lot further (and hurts a lot more to the one cheated on) than a physical fling. Your question - bottom line - I don't think there is a standard answer - it depends on the people involved, and it takes a long time to establish comfort boundaries for each other. It is doable, but it does take a while. But doesn't any other relationship go through the same process? However, you have to have 2 individuals who are very strong on each other. But yes I have heard the same things you are saying from other people before, so you are not alone in your thinking.

 

[Jennifer_]

[HR][/HR]I was speaking with a friend a while back and we were discussing what each of us expected from a relationship,,,,bf, etc. One of my requirements was faithfulness. She said she was surprised considering what I do.
Is this a common feeling?
My thoughts are that what I do is my job. Sex with a client is completely different than having sex with someone I care about. I do not see it as being the same in any way, yes the act is the same but the passion and feelings are not. It is not the same as seeing someone smoking hot and going out of my way to seduce them. Yes some of my clients are sizzling hot and wonderfully talented and I enjoy my time with them very much. However, they came to me,,,,,I did not go after them, it is a business transaction however enjoyable it may be and however well we may get along, even though I do consider some of my clients as friends we don't 'hang out' or talk to each other outside of the bedroom. It does not compare to a relationship, that warmth, that intimacy, that 'can't get you out of my mind' feeling, the giddiness and butterflies and overwhelming desire for him/her. Knowing that he/she is thinking of you just as much, wanting to just lay together, holding each other.......well, you get my drift. lol
So, am I unreasonable for feeling that any boyfriend/lover of mine should be faithful? I do not object to casual one time sex with someone of convenience providing he is open with me about it, but for him to actively seek out another woman? That would hurt me a lot.
Anyways,,,,,,what are your thoughts?
__________________

I agree with you completely.
The thing that most people who are not providers have a hard time getting their head around is the fact that for some reason (a reason I have tried to understand for a long time), those of us who are able to do what we do are also able to compartmentalize work vs life. Those who are incapable of this compartmentalization could never do what we do.

I don't necessarily expect whomever I'm with to be totally faithful (as I've seen a lot over the years....) but I would expect him to protect me from ever finding out.... we are women first and foremost and regardless of what we know because of what we've seen.... it would still hurt us to find our partner looking for intimacy outside of our relationship .

The catch is - there aren't many men who understand how we compartmentalize... so not many could handle our desire for (what most would consider to be) a double-standard.

 

[Blue-Spheroid]

The catch is - there aren't many men who understand how we compartmentalize...

On the contrary. It comes naturally to men to separate sex from love. It's one reason so many married men are hobbyists and who truly and deeply love their wives. It's usually women that can't accept that...including the OP.

 

[Don Draper]

The answer is: NO.

The rationalization you put forth is the very same that men have been presenting to wounded female spouses since Time Immemorial. That a separation can be made between recreational, detached sex versus physical intimacy as an expression of emotional bonding.

Women have never bought it and never will. We all know the fallout of this scenario.

Neither will a man who is looking for exclusivity and intimacy from his female spouse.

 

[LKD]

personally I like to kiss my girl friend or go down on her pussy whenever I feel like.... can you imagine doing that knowing that your gf/wife sucked and fucked a dozen guys throughout the day?

 

[Jennifer_]

On the contrary. It comes naturally to men to separate sex from love. It's one reason so many married men are hobbyists and who truly and deeply love their wives. It's usually women that can't accept that...including the OP.

.... and I completely agree with you. I've participated in a few similar conversations to this on here in the past saying the same. basically - my theory is that while in *work mode* we providers compartmentalize sex and love in a way men always do. I have no idea why and it is definitely unnatural. There have been studies that prove that women actually release a hormone (forget what it's called and I'm too lazy to cite a source right now) that makes us feel attatched to our partners when we engage in sexual activities. I have felt attatchment after being intimate with every single man I have ever been with in my personal life - even if it was meaningless sex... I felt something.

I don't feel that when *working*. I don't get it.... but I do believe this is how men always feel...

Perhaps the inability for most men to accept what we do and not find it a double standard for us to ask for fidelity on their end is that men know that compartmentalization is not normal female behavior when it comes to sex. It would be tough to understand...

I have been with one boyfriend in all my years in this industry who could handle it. There was no ulterior motive - he wasn't using me, I am certain he was faithful, and he respected me and what I did.... but finding someone who can truly understand is far from easy.

 

[massman]

He can only have sex with another if he is getting paid!

Ok kidding. Now serious answer. Of course you can Ask for fidelity. What ground rules individual couples decide on is their business. Presumably ( one hopes) he knows your line of work and accepts it before getting into a relationship with you. it's all between you and him, each of you lay your cards on the table and talk it out. For your part I would recommend telling him how you see and compartmentalize things. Tell him why this is important to you. An dtell him that if he finds that he is missing something that he thinks he might look elsewhere for he should let you know First.

It may be a tough sell. And he may have a hard time knowingnwhat you do, and wondering if you "cross the line" now and again. Hell, I've had the odd sessions with sps who I know have bfs, that I am quite sure the guy would be none too happy about!!! It's a unique situation, and very few of us are qualified to judge one way or the other.

 

[massman]

.I don't feel that when *working*. I don't get it.... but I do believe this is how men always feel...

Over generalization. Men don't always feel this way. We are better at compartmentalizing these things, but we do often "feel something" too, even in a paid encounter, or one nighter. If there is something really attractive and q certain "click" it is hard not to feel a twinge of attachment.