A Truth I Can No Longer Ignore

[Bobtubby]

The last few years of my life, I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars visiting escorts. Not for pleasure, not for thrill, but for something deeper I could never quite touch: connection. Love. Its to feel wanted, even if it is for an hour or so.

And for that hour, maybe I could pretend that her smile meant something, her touch wasn’t rehearsed. That I wasn’t just another name, another number, another transaction. But when the door closed behind me, so did the fantasy. And then I will be stuck in this endless cycle of standing in silence, emptier than before.

What breaks me most is knowing is that there are guys out there who get these things—love, touch, conversation, laughter, even just being seen—without paying a penny. They meet someone. They fall in love. They hold hands at no cost. They have someone who asks them how their day was, just because they care. They get affection without an expiry time.

I paid for what they get for free, and even then, I never really had it.

Many of the escorts when asked about their future plans, they mentioned saying they just need to collect some money for their higher education or for any other purpose and then they will leave the industry as they are not obsessed with it.I’ve seen some of the escorts I visited move on, leave the industry, heal, grow, fall in love for real. I’m happy for them, honestly. But I’m still here, stuck in the same patterns. Still clinging to memories that were only ever mine. Still hoping for something more in a space that doesn’t offer it.

Escorts don’t owe me love. That’s not what they’re selling. But I think part of me kept hoping—foolishly—that if I came back enough, paid enough, felt enough, maybe someone would stay. They never do.

This post isn’t about blame. It’s about pain. About the crushing realization that no matter how much money I spend, I cannot buy what I’m really looking for.

I don’t know what healing looks like yet. But I know it starts by finally admitting: I deserve real love. The kind that doesn’t come with a price tag. The kind I see others get without even trying.
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance to find it too.

Ummm so what i did was tell every agency in the gta to permanantly block me. I can never see another escort again. Its a process but fuck i got money in the bank.

And fyi i did some pornstar worth stuff that im not proud of.

 

[barnacler]

The last few years of my life, I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars visiting escorts. Not for pleasure, not for thrill, but for something deeper I could never quite touch: connection. Love. Its to feel wanted, even if it is for an hour or so.

And for that hour, maybe I could pretend that her smile meant something, her touch wasn’t rehearsed. That I wasn’t just another name, another number, another transaction. But when the door closed behind me, so did the fantasy. And then I will be stuck in this endless cycle of standing in silence, emptier than before.

What breaks me most is knowing is that there are guys out there who get these things—love, touch, conversation, laughter, even just being seen—without paying a penny. They meet someone. They fall in love. They hold hands at no cost. They have someone who asks them how their day was, just because they care. They get affection without an expiry time.

I paid for what they get for free, and even then, I never really had it.

Many of the escorts when asked about their future plans, they mentioned saying they just need to collect some money for their higher education or for any other purpose and then they will leave the industry as they are not obsessed with it.I’ve seen some of the escorts I visited move on, leave the industry, heal, grow, fall in love for real. I’m happy for them, honestly. But I’m still here, stuck in the same patterns. Still clinging to memories that were only ever mine. Still hoping for something more in a space that doesn’t offer it.

Escorts don’t owe me love. That’s not what they’re selling. But I think part of me kept hoping—foolishly—that if I came back enough, paid enough, felt enough, maybe someone would stay. They never do.

This post isn’t about blame. It’s about pain. About the crushing realization that no matter how much money I spend, I cannot buy what I’m really looking for.

I don’t know what healing looks like yet. But I know it starts by finally admitting: I deserve real love. The kind that doesn’t come with a price tag. The kind I see others get without even trying.
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance to find it too.

This was an exquisitely well-written and honest post.

Do you have other family? Kids? Nieces and nephews? Grandkids? Siblings? Aunts? High school friends you haven't reached out to for years? A ahigh school teacher that meant a lot at the time?

Reach out to them.

You CAN get affection, or friendship, gratitude, respect from other sources than a sexual partner. No, not sexual affection, but love, respect, care, nonetheless.

Are there people out there that will be terribly sad if you die? That is the test, for me at least. If yes, then you have something. Maybe not textbook, two cars in the garage type of thing, but by God, SOMETHING.

Take your love and affection where you can find it, but give it back too.

Give back, and it will fill a void.

 

[ogibowt]

This was an exquisitely well-written and honest post.

Do you have other family? Kids? Nieces and nephews? Grandkids? Siblings? Aunts? High school friends you haven't reached out to for years? A ahigh school teacher that meant a lot at the time?

Reach out to them.

You CAN get affection, or friendship, gratitude, respect from other sources than a sexual partner. No, not sexual affection, but love, respect, care, nonetheless.

Are there people out there that will be terribly sad if you die? That is the test, for me at least. If yes, then you have something. Maybe not textbook, two cars in the garage type of thing, but by God, SOMETHING.

Take your love and affection where you can find it, but give it back too.

Give back, and it will fill a void.

a well written post...in fact this entire thread has some great valid points..me? i live my life in song
and as i read through this one particular post it reminded me of an obscure Soul song from the 60,s later covered by none other than Janis Joplin..sums it up for me

 

[YouOnlyLiveOnce0]

The last few years of my life, I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars visiting escorts. Not for pleasure, not for thrill, but for something deeper I could never quite touch: connection. Love. Its to feel wanted, even if it is for an hour or so.

And for that hour, maybe I could pretend that her smile meant something, her touch wasn’t rehearsed. That I wasn’t just another name, another number, another transaction. But when the door closed behind me, so did the fantasy. And then I will be stuck in this endless cycle of standing in silence, emptier than before.

What breaks me most is knowing is that there are guys out there who get these things—love, touch, conversation, laughter, even just being seen—without paying a penny. They meet someone. They fall in love. They hold hands at no cost. They have someone who asks them how their day was, just because they care. They get affection without an expiry time.

I paid for what they get for free, and even then, I never really had it.

Many of the escorts when asked about their future plans, they mentioned saying they just need to collect some money for their higher education or for any other purpose and then they will leave the industry as they are not obsessed with it.I’ve seen some of the escorts I visited move on, leave the industry, heal, grow, fall in love for real. I’m happy for them, honestly. But I’m still here, stuck in the same patterns. Still clinging to memories that were only ever mine. Still hoping for something more in a space that doesn’t offer it.

Escorts don’t owe me love. That’s not what they’re selling. But I think part of me kept hoping—foolishly—that if I came back enough, paid enough, felt enough, maybe someone would stay. They never do.

This post isn’t about blame. It’s about pain. About the crushing realization that no matter how much money I spend, I cannot buy what I’m really looking for.

I don’t know what healing looks like yet. But I know it starts by finally admitting: I deserve real love. The kind that doesn’t come with a price tag. The kind I see others get without even trying.
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance to find it too.

Thank you for sharing. I felt the same way you did. I then met someone, stopped hobbying and then got married. I am fucking miserable most of the time. I was so desperate to meet someone I made the wrong decision. Now when I think back, I might of been happier when I was hobbying.

 

[Patron]

Thank you for sharing. I felt the same way you did. I then met someone, stopped hobbying and then got married. I am fucking miserable most of the time. I was so desperate to meet someone I made the wrong decision. Now when I think back, I might of been happier when I was hobbying.

This is so well put.

The guys who start these types of threads, many of which are troll threads, are the types who think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Often this occurs because the media says so. Nothing is glamorized more than marriage.

The happiest Johns are the types who realize that the grass is often even browner on the other side of the fence. They realize the importance of appreciating what they have and making small adjustments like repeating more with regulars and occasionally getting a longer session.

 

[ChaosTheory]

Clear and simple truth:

If love ( a real monogamous, lasting connection based on trust, sincerity, unconditional, honesty, devotion, deep, true affection and commitment etc) is what you seek, then STOP. Get out of this industry, delete your account here and get out there and naturally seek your goal.

As you know this industry is a crutch, playground incompatiable, polarized, inversely proporitional to what you seek; the longer you are in it, the further away you will not achieve your goal.

It will be hard since you have been doing this for so long and this is the life you know.
But it will get easier and more rewarding with time.

And dude, were are you reivews if you have been doing this for so long and spent so much. lol.

Best of luck. But you must severe ties.

 

[ChaosTheory]

This is so well put.

The guys who start these types of threads, many of which are troll threads, are the types who think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Often this occurs because the media says so. Nothing is glamorized more than marriage.

The happiest Johns are the types who realize that the grass is often even browner on the other side of the fence. They realize the importance of appreciating what they have and making small adjustments like repeating more with regulars and occasionally getting a longer session.

You are correct, however the perspective subjective and a matter of preference based what that person seek, what is required and needs to be intrinsically to be "happy".

Marriage is glamourized, however so is this lifestyle. We are a biased population that wiill pick being a John over commitment (Marriage).

To add to your latter point, another cohort of the happiest johns are those who do not have regulars, like to explore, like diversity and do not settle down with one or more providers. Supporting my initial statement, this too, is a matter of preference of what a person needs, preferes to make them happy.

Some people want that commitment, a marriage, a special exclusive unique intrinsic bond of mind and body with someone.
There is nothing like it.
It takes work however, compromise, understanding, prespective, dedication and endurance.
The same principles are required to maintain a successful John lifestyle.

Two sides of the coin that share the same principles for success: One side: A successful John, The other side: A successful marriage. Rarely are they mutually inclusive.

 

[Patron]

You are correct, however the perspective subjective and a matter of preference based what that person seek, what is required and needs to be intrinsically to be "happy".

Marriage is glamourized, however so is this lifestyle. We are a biased population that wiill pick being a John over commitment (Marriage).

To add to your latter point, another cohort of the happiest johns are those who do not have regulars, like to explore, like diversity and do not settle down with one or more providers. Supporting my initial statement, this too, is a matter of preference of what a person needs, preferes to make them happy.

Some people want that commitment, a marriage, a special exclusive unique intrinsic bond of mind and body with someone.
There is nothing like it.
It takes work however, compromise, understanding, prespective, dedication and endurance.
The same principles are required to maintain a successful John lifestyle.

Two sides of the coin that share the same principles for success: One side: A successful John, The other side: A successful marriage. Rarely are they mutually inclusive.

I agree with what you said, but I think it is important to note that marriage takes guys to higher highs (the honeymoon phase, especially if the lady is in her teens or 20s), but takes them to lower lows when the marriage disappoints and/or ends. I mean highs and lows compared to the emotions of Johns.

Johns find what makes them happy, as you pointed out. That can even include exploring alternative activities. The lifestyle has inherent limitations. There is only so much money, some girls are duds, and the ladies aren’t using the endeavor to find a husband. But the disappointments only last until the next session.

An amazing number of guys get married two, three or four times, even though the last ones seem to not be much of a prize. Most swear they will never get married again after a divorce, but they do, even past child rearing ages. They never stop chasing that high they once had.

Personally, I think most married guys spend more time under the curve (lower lows) than above the curve (higher highs), especially with the older age of first marriages. But just my opinion.

 

[Bucktee]

And it's annoying when sex slows down when married unless you meet someone good who still puts out.

Thank you for sharing. I felt the same way you did. I then met someone, stopped hobbying and then got married. I am fucking miserable most of the time. I was so desperate to meet someone I made the wrong decision. Now when I think back, I might of been happier when I was hobbying.

Wives that cut down on sex do so because they married for what the man could do for her (money, house, car, stability), not because she loved him or was even attracted to him.

 

[jeff2]

Wives that cut down on sex do so because they married for what the man could do for her (money, house, car, stability), not because she loved him or was even attracted to him.

Yeah, a women who loves men is quite rare. They are designed to love children.

 

[Ol' Dirty Bastard]

Thank you for sharing. I felt the same way you did. I then met someone, stopped hobbying and then got married. I am fucking miserable most of the time. I was so desperate to meet someone I made the wrong decision. Now when I think back, I might of been happier when I was hobbying.

It's never too late bro. You don't know what you've been missing. No wait, you do.

 

[yessir235]

Escort is a business. It is foolish to think you are getting any type of real connection. That being said, it sounds like you need a confidence boost. Work on yourself and try to be attractive to all women. It would also please you to know that just because escorts are in this for the business, does not mean that they can’t click with certain clients. If you are funny and nice respectful person, I’m sure there is many an Sp that has thought, “ wow he’d make a great boyfriend, or “maybe in another life”

Learn do distinguish between sweet talking and just meaningless words, as all escorts have to do, and learn to realize real. Just because you’re paying for it does not mean that his can’t be a real “in the moment” connection. Yes, it’s not “true love “ or whatever BS that you call most civilian relationships, but that doesn’t make it any less real. In fact, the more you get lost in the fantasy, the more “real” it becomes.

I’ve had outcalls where at the end of the session the girls forgot the money on the hotel nightstand, or the bathroom counter and I had to chase them down …which (judging from my personal experience) means that the experience was definitely “real” for them because if it was purely business and transactional, how could you forget the one thing you came there for….to get paid lol

 

[YouOnlyLiveOnce0]

It's never too late bro. You don't know what you've been missing. No wait, you do.

Trust me. I've been thinking about it more and more lately.

 

[imaan2k]

I came across a video of a former escort who also was a victim of human trafficking. She echoed most of what’s in the OP there was a section that covered the void men try to fill. To deny that is disingenuous its why we’re always chasing the next girl to conquer. At least OP is honest with himself just look at all the recent love novels that go for reviews.

 

[GuySmiley]

The last few years of my life, I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars visiting escorts. Not for pleasure, not for thrill, but for something deeper I could never quite touch: connection. Love. Its to feel wanted, even if it is for an hour or so.

And for that hour, maybe I could pretend that her smile meant something, her touch wasn’t rehearsed. That I wasn’t just another name, another number, another transaction. But when the door closed behind me, so did the fantasy. And then I will be stuck in this endless cycle of standing in silence, emptier than before.

What breaks me most is knowing is that there are guys out there who get these things—love, touch, conversation, laughter, even just being seen—without paying a penny. They meet someone. They fall in love. They hold hands at no cost. They have someone who asks them how their day was, just because they care. They get affection without an expiry time.

I paid for what they get for free, and even then, I never really had it.

Many of the escorts when asked about their future plans, they mentioned saying they just need to collect some money for their higher education or for any other purpose and then they will leave the industry as they are not obsessed with it.I’ve seen some of the escorts I visited move on, leave the industry, heal, grow, fall in love for real. I’m happy for them, honestly. But I’m still here, stuck in the same patterns. Still clinging to memories that were only ever mine. Still hoping for something more in a space that doesn’t offer it.

Escorts don’t owe me love. That’s not what they’re selling. But I think part of me kept hoping—foolishly—that if I came back enough, paid enough, felt enough, maybe someone would stay. They never do.

This post isn’t about blame. It’s about pain. About the crushing realization that no matter how much money I spend, I cannot buy what I’m really looking for.

I don’t know what healing looks like yet. But I know it starts by finally admitting: I deserve real love. The kind that doesn’t come with a price tag. The kind I see others get without even trying.
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance to find it too.

Bravo, Brian! I know it may feel like wading in misery now but you're on the right path.

I used to frequent sex workers. A lot. For too too long.

At some point it occurred to me (sorry if this offends Johns out there but it's my truth) that seeing escorts, MPAs, etc who are not attracted to you (other than the size of your wallet) has to be one of the most self-depreciating acts a guy can do. I cannot think of a better way to confirm how unattractive/unwanted/undesirable you are than to see an escort.
Why in the world would you want to be with someone that wasn't truly attracted to you?? That truly didn't enjoy your company??
Answer: because you don't have an ego and you view women as commodities. But not having a true sense of self-worth is a problem. Psychologically, we should all have an ego and a healthy one. We should have a sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on leasing a lady for 30/45/60/120 minutes. For me, it was an exercise in confirming how pathetic I was each time I had to pay someone to be with me. Looking back. I am revolted. But admitting the truth is the first step (nobody likes admitting the truth to themselves - it's human nature to deny). But then I worked on myself, improved mentally by working more and reading more, physically (gym 5x a week) and set things in order in my life! Escorts were the most debilitating crutch ever and it wasn't about the cost. I made more than enough money to spend close to $30k a year on them.

The guys on this thread saying, 'oh a real relationship will still cost you $$$, etc etc' of course it will! That's life! But there will be a girl who truly cares for you and will also spend their dollars on you if she truly loves you. The type of person you want to build something together is priceless. And I'm not saying that as advocate for marriage. Just a real partnership.
For the replies on this thread saying 'you're just buying sex and leave it like that' - I disagree. Yes, you're buying sex but you're also colouring your view of women as just there to service you and, inevitably, you won't see women as real people. Because life is life and you're going to have to deal with women with all their problems and all their amazing traits as well.

Watch the videos of Sadia Khan. Plenty of them on Youtube or Insta. She's amazing and really helped get me on the right path. Hopefully, it will help you too.

 

[Mrboobs]

If I had the money to blow I'd always rather pay for it.