A Truth I Can No Longer Ignore

[brianli]

The last few years of my life, I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars visiting escorts. Not for pleasure, not for thrill, but for something deeper I could never quite touch: connection. Love. Its to feel wanted, even if it is for an hour or so.

And for that hour, maybe I could pretend that her smile meant something, her touch wasn’t rehearsed. That I wasn’t just another name, another number, another transaction. But when the door closed behind me, so did the fantasy. And then I will be stuck in this endless cycle of standing in silence, emptier than before.

What breaks me most is knowing is that there are guys out there who get these things—love, touch, conversation, laughter, even just being seen—without paying a penny. They meet someone. They fall in love. They hold hands at no cost. They have someone who asks them how their day was, just because they care. They get affection without an expiry time.

I paid for what they get for free, and even then, I never really had it.

Many of the escorts when asked about their future plans, they mentioned saying they just need to collect some money for their higher education or for any other purpose and then they will leave the industry as they are not obsessed with it.I’ve seen some of the escorts I visited move on, leave the industry, heal, grow, fall in love for real. I’m happy for them, honestly. But I’m still here, stuck in the same patterns. Still clinging to memories that were only ever mine. Still hoping for something more in a space that doesn’t offer it.

Escorts don’t owe me love. That’s not what they’re selling. But I think part of me kept hoping—foolishly—that if I came back enough, paid enough, felt enough, maybe someone would stay. They never do.

This post isn’t about blame. It’s about pain. About the crushing realization that no matter how much money I spend, I cannot buy what I’m really looking for.

I don’t know what healing looks like yet. But I know it starts by finally admitting: I deserve real love. The kind that doesn’t come with a price tag. The kind I see others get without even trying.
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance to find it too.

 

[jeff2]

"What breaks me most is knowing is that there are guys out there who get these things—love, touch, conversation, laughter, even just being seen—without paying a penny."

The payments could be indirect.

 

[xix]

From the start you should have known this.
Love will never happen with them, even if they marry.

If I don't want to be in this pain I get out and seek the meaning of love.

 

[southpaw]

OP is in the wrong hobby.

 

[bazokajoe]

The last few years of my life, I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars visiting escorts. Not for pleasure, not for thrill, but for something deeper I could never quite touch: connection. Love. Its to feel wanted, even if it is for an hour or so.

And for that hour, maybe I could pretend that her smile meant something, her touch wasn’t rehearsed. That I wasn’t just another name, another number, another transaction. But when the door closed behind me, so did the fantasy. And then I will be stuck in this endless cycle of standing in silence, emptier than before.

What breaks me most is knowing is that there are guys out there who get these things—love, touch, conversation, laughter, even just being seen—without paying a penny. They meet someone. They fall in love. They hold hands at no cost. They have someone who asks them how their day was, just because they care. They get affection without an expiry time.

I paid for what they get for free, and even then, I never really had it.

Many of the escorts when asked about their future plans, they mentioned saying they just need to collect some money for their higher education or for any other purpose and then they will leave the industry as they are not obsessed with it.I’ve seen some of the escorts I visited move on, leave the industry, heal, grow, fall in love for real. I’m happy for them, honestly. But I’m still here, stuck in the same patterns. Still clinging to memories that were only ever mine. Still hoping for something more in a space that doesn’t offer it.

Escorts don’t owe me love. That’s not what they’re selling. But I think part of me kept hoping—foolishly—that if I came back enough, paid enough, felt enough, maybe someone would stay. They never do.

This post isn’t about blame. It’s about pain. About the crushing realization that no matter how much money I spend, I cannot buy what I’m really looking for.

I don’t know what healing looks like yet. But I know it starts by finally admitting: I deserve real love. The kind that doesn’t come with a price tag. The kind I see others get without even trying.
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance to find it too.

I feel your pain. I to have felt this way in my early days of seeing SP's and going to strip clubs. After awhile I realized it's just a transaction and when the door closes they forget who you are and on to the next guy they go.
It's best to just walk away from seeing escorts and get on with living your life.
Best of luck.

 

[Mr.Gr33k]

OP, you have to learn to love yourself first. You likely need a lot of therapy to help you with that. This is not a dig, not an insult, not a knock on you. This is the truth and a reality many people have to face. You have to FIX YOU before things improve.

 

[r3dr3d]

Meh...

Go talk to a therapist. Stop beating yourself over it. As someone who was once married and had gfs in the past you pay for it one way or another. Holding hands and having sex still comes usually with a to-do list or them wanting stuff or they get upset with you lol.

Just go to some Asian country and buy a wife and treat her well along with giving into a few things she wants and you might be happy. And make sure she believes in God cause that will mentally help you out a lot. Good luck.

 

[Shaquille Oatmeal]

You should always see providers only for fun.
It should be part of your entertainment and not for filling a void.
Also a lot of things you seem to want, seem unrelated to sex or romance.
For example, you can feel love by adopting a dog.
Pets form incredibly strong bonds.
They also do goofy things to make you laugh.
You can find companionship and friendship by volunteering or going to a meetup group, or even group therapy.
So may be try that, and when you want to have fun, book a provider.
Having a GF isn't all that it is cracked up to be.
Most relationships and marriages fail and can get quite toxic.

 

[r3dr3d]

Try online dating such as POF, Tinder, Facebook, etc. Join a brotherhood or something like Freemasons (don't get into the lame conspiracy theories they are just a group of men that tend to support each other). A cat or dog can help. You could meet ladies at dog parks. Try asking women out in person you find appealing perhaps at min wage jobs. Take the rejection and move forward and ask others out. Perhaps make general convo then slide in if you can have their number. And don't vent a lot to women since most don't really deep down want a guy showing issues because it probably brings a sense of insecurity in the woman and she feels nervous with you.

 

[southpaw]

It should be part of your entertainment and not for filling a void.

"Filling a void." I do enjoy irony.

 

[r3dr3d]

It's no different than paying a porn star to bang or going to a strip club. You should lean towards it as entertainment as said. You wanna drop $10K a night on one stripper you enjoy and think she'll wanna be your gf the chance is under 1%. Most of these ladies do have a partner already and it's just strictly business for them. If you were some big shot maybe she'd hang around you more to use the money to better her life but then she'd just leave and you'd be miserable. Online dating might be the better option for you. Clean yourself up unless you already are and take some decent pics or even pay a pro to take your pics outdoors and stuff along with pics with a pet.

 

[Normscot]

OP is under the impression that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Sometimes it is. Or at least starts out that way and then turns brown. Also it’s often not.

A surefire way to find the same grass one is already standing on is to make clouded judgements because of desperation.

I hope OP makes clearly measured and informed attempts to find the green grass. At least that way a realistic and reasonable result might be produced. But as anyone who has already jumped over the fence knows, he’s going to need more than a four leaf clover worth of good luck to experience the long term bliss he yearns for. And that part is out of all jumper’s control.

It would be nice to see OP’s post here celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary. When that happens he’ll truly have gotten lucky and found the greener grass.

Good luck OP!

Sincerely.

 

[xmontrealer]

Pardon my cynicism.

For most ladies, unless they meet a guy at a very young age and fall in love with him for the right reasons, after high school or university they are looking for the highest value man they can find, and that value includes being a great provider of financial and emotional security.

As an old saying goes, "women marry men thinking they can, over time, change them into their ideal of what their mate should be, while men marry women thinking that they are perfect just as they are, and hopefully will never change". Both are doomed to be eventually disappointed, and that's one of the main reasons the majority of romantic and/or marital relationships eventually fail, and end in divorce, or just bitter co-habitation.

Men are far more likely to fall in actual love, than are women. Also, 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Stop being the financial provider in a marital relationship and see how quickly the lady heads for the exits, but probably not before she has some other guy lined up to go to.

As you have realized, you will not find love in paid-for sexual relationships, as a sex provider will never look at you as a potential romantic partner or mate. You're a John, no matter how much she may actually enjoy your company during a session.

If you are really looking for romance and genuine attachments, I suggest following the tips given above regarding finding civilians to date. With luck you may find someone who actually cares for you beyond your wallet, and forge a relationship that may last for a reasonable length of time, if not a lifetime...

 

[lomotil]

The last few years of my life, I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars visiting escorts. Not for pleasure, not for thrill, but for something deeper I could never quite touch: connection. Love. Its to feel wanted, even if it is for an hour or so.

And for that hour, maybe I could pretend that her smile meant something, her touch wasn’t rehearsed. That I wasn’t just another name, another number, another transaction. But when the door closed behind me, so did the fantasy. And then I will be stuck in this endless cycle of standing in silence, emptier than before.

What breaks me most is knowing is that there are guys out there who get these things—love, touch, conversation, laughter, even just being seen—without paying a penny. They meet someone. They fall in love. They hold hands at no cost. They have someone who asks them how their day was, just because they care. They get affection without an expiry time.

I paid for what they get for free, and even then, I never really had it.

Many of the escorts when asked about their future plans, they mentioned saying they just need to collect some money for their higher education or for any other purpose and then they will leave the industry as they are not obsessed with it.I’ve seen some of the escorts I visited move on, leave the industry, heal, grow, fall in love for real. I’m happy for them, honestly. But I’m still here, stuck in the same patterns. Still clinging to memories that were only ever mine. Still hoping for something more in a space that doesn’t offer it.

Escorts don’t owe me love. That’s not what they’re selling. But I think part of me kept hoping—foolishly—that if I came back enough, paid enough, felt enough, maybe someone would stay. They never do.

This post isn’t about blame. It’s about pain. About the crushing realization that no matter how much money I spend, I cannot buy what I’m really looking for.

I don’t know what healing looks like yet. But I know it starts by finally admitting: I deserve real love. The kind that doesn’t come with a price tag. The kind I see others get without even trying.
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance to find it too.

Some of the fee that you pay the escort is for her to “go away” ok. If you are a bleeding heart then you necessarily set yourself up to be victimized by a sex provider $uccubus who will bleed you out emotionally and financially.
You should not be. 2025 “Van Gogh” minus the ear or much more !
In the sex trade among buyers and sellers, there is the “ good, the bad and the ugly”.
Take a break from the trade, find a diversion hobby and perhaps see a shrink !
Good luck …and by the way , we all pay for it one way or another ok

 

[r3dr3d]

Find a Philippians or Vietnamese God fearing woman who's a sub mostly and you should do great in life. Or go around retail stores and hit on workers who might be single and ask for their number so you can do lunch or something. 8 billion people on the planet you can eventually find someone. And all long term relationships have issues and stuff just gotta learn not to go overboard and stuff. No different than having kids too. You have moments you'll swear at them or something cause overall stress of general life gets to people. Shrug it off and just move forward. All that dwelling isn't mentally good along with others trying to make ya feel bad over nothing. It's kinda similar to if people in the public found out who the users on this forums are. Some guys would shrug it off and others would probably let it really get to them lol. Can't please everyone.

 

[lir2016]

You need to look at this from a different perspective. The guy that is “fucking for free” is often still spending money on her (through dates or providing for her) and investing emotional effort into her.

 

[lir2016]

Also, I really don’t believe that you should be doing this if you’re seeking true love and a genuine emotional connection. You should do this because you’re unreasonably horny.

 

[Normscot]

Also, I really don’t believe that you should be doing this if you’re seeking true love and a genuine emotional connection. You should do this because you’re unreasonably horny.

If there’s a “Sex Worker User Guide” this statement would be on page 1.

 

[HEYHEY]

Nothing in life is free.

You spent ten's of thousands on escorts and feel empty.

Some of us on the other hand lost hundreds of thousands, some millions, and decades of our lives thanks to marriage and divorce.

 

[wigglee]

Don't plan on marrying an escort. Try and meet an average lady ... join a club, or a dance class, or use a dating app