a bad situation which needs a resolution...help

[danmand]

This exact story comes up every so often on Terb. I think posters should
show some respect for oldtimers and change the story ever so slightly.

 

[MojoRisin']

SHG, everyone can give thier opinion to do one or the other....or the other in this case but think if you were the friend, would you want to know or not know and act accordingly. Personally Id want my buddy to tell me what was going on. If I found out that he (you) knew and didnt tell me Id be pissed. Also think about what would ease your conscious. Do what feels right. Its hard to tell you what to do not really knowing your friend and your relationship. My gut tells me for you to have that uncomfortable conversation is a respectful way and let him deal with it. In the end I feel you'd be doing the right thing

 

[rama putri]

This exact story comes up every so often on Terb. I think posters should show some respect for oldtimers and change the story ever so slightly.

LOL I was going to make a snarky remark and say the same thing. Also notice how the posters always have something against the SO? But are, of course, very concerned about their friend. Concerned enough to come up with a negative, yet just-a-coincidence, happen to be in the area, kind of story. Smells fishy.

 

[alexmst]

It's hard to go wrong doing the right thing.

Ask yourself if YOU would like know know if you were in his position.

Sure, you could be a wuss and not say anything and prolong what you consider as a friendship. But real friends tell their friends the truth and don't withold relevant information that could affect their friend's entire life for the sake of avoiding a potential conflict.

Pretty simple what to say. Call the guy up and simply tell him that when you were in Calgary last week that you saw his fiancee making out with a guy in the hotel bar and then leave and go up the elevator together.

Tell him that is all you know and that you don't think she saw you but you felt that if it was you, you'd want to know. Sorry if I'm sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong but I felt you deserved to know in case you didn't already so you coudl make your won decision. Tell him that although you know that it might be more expedient to stay out of it, YOU'D appreciate knowing so that's why you told him. Tell him that you don't want to get involved in his decision or anythign, just passing on what you saw without editorial comment or advice.

If he gets pissed with you, then fuck him, he deserves her and the long term implications (including single parenthood, alimony and child support etc) and doesn't deserve you as a friend. If he appreciates it you've got a clear concience and a true friendship.

Very good advice.

If it was me, I'd want to know.

 

[Jade4u]

Another true story

Maybe you can find the answer in this story. My brother (favourite brother) had this wife years ago that his friend too caught cheating on him and this friend told my brother. Of course, my brother is head over heals with this woman. He put his wife through school and spoiled her rotten to the core. She even came over once showing off the new boots my brother bought her and telling my mom in a show offish way he bought me both pairs. Well she went on to have a great career. One she would never have if it was not for my brother and how he set her life up to be. Hence he loved and trusted her dearly. Even to the point he did not believe his friend and he politely denied to his friend that there could be no truth to this story he told him. They did stay friends however.

Then one day my brother fell off a ladder at work carrying huge boxes of paper to a top shelf and ended up having to go to the doctor and get a doctors note for his work to get time off from work with pay. Well, he did all this and came home early from work and went out on his balcony to have a cigarette. He at this time had a baby daughter and would never smoke inside of his place. Well he is out on his balcony and moments later a car pulls up and out comes his wife getting out of the car. She is holding a bouquet of flowers and kissing the man good bye and the man squeezes her butt etc... My brother then goes to the door as she comes up and puts his hand on the side panel of the door to block her entry and starts asking her questions. She never denied she was cheating, so my brother goes on to ask her is my daughter really mine. She says yes and then he asks the baby that you are carrying is it mine. She answers I don't know.

Well, as you can see this totally devestated my brother for a long long time. Blood tests were done and his son that was born later was his.

If my brother had of believed his friend to begin with it could have saved him that torture etc...

I suggest telling him. Even if he denies it a good friend will not befriend you for speaking up. Eventually the truth will come out and it could involve children as already mentioned. I wish my brother believed his friend.

IMHO his friend did the right thing by warning him. It was my brothers fault not to listen to a good friend. However I think my brother knew he was a good friend as he did remain friends with him. I am sure he got the I told you so story.

 

[Questor]

Re-read Rubs answer. Then tell your friend what you saw.

 

[smiley1437]

Heck, what's the worst that could happen? Maybe a murder-suicide?

 

[JD75]

But real friends tell their friends the truth and don't withold relevant information that could affect their friend's entire life for the sake of avoiding a potential conflict.
.

So if your significant other is supposed to be your best friend (you married her), you should tell her about terb, your handle and how many reviews you've written over the past 5 years.

My opinion on the original post, (if it's real or not), is mind your own business. It's his relationship, keep your nose out. He'll still hang out with you and go for beers if he's married or divorced later on.

It's funny that guys are more "loyal" to their friends than their spouses (for the mostpart).

 

[stinkynuts]

How sure are you that this person was indeed your friend's girlfriend? It seems like a huge coincidence that you would meet her in a bar in Calgary. The odds of that seem almost zero. Perhaps it was someone who resembled her?

 

[jeffphil]

tell your friend what you saw

tell your friend about what you saw leaving out any interpretation, and provide advice only if asked.... you would not be a friend if you did not tell your friend; what happens after you disclose what you saw is really not your fault....

Re-read Rubs answer. Then tell your friend what you saw.

 

[james t kirk]

There is some truth in this except that as a rule there isn't an emotional commitment made with an SP as one does with a lover. I have talked about the hobby with a number of women and oddly enough there was a fairly high percentage who said they would be far more able to forgive their husband for seeing an SP than having an affair. Their reasons were varied but usually focused around the emotional cheating more so than the physical.

At the same time I think there is also a false stereotype where we think most men cheat, (and they do, something like 70% in North America), and most women do not, (and last study I heard on CFRB suggested that now over half of women, 60%, will cheat). Personally I just don't think we are a particularly monogamous species but that is a different discussion.

However I think the killer here is that she is screwing around on the guy before they are even married. Strikes me as that alone suggests this marriage is not going anywhere good from the get go.

Yeah, but....

Maybe she just likes to get fucked too.

There is an increasing number of women who behave more and more like men. They have their hubby and they fuck around on the side to enjoy sport sex (like men do).

She's on the road, she's horny, she wants to get fucked. End of story?

I'm single, but dating at the moment. I used to to be pretty black and white - you're dating someone on a steady basis, you don't fuck around with other people (ah the good ole days). Now, if some chick were to come my way, I wouldn't give it a second thought (either before or after) as to whether or not I'd want to hit the sack with her. Never mind the pay for play industry. I can assure the peanut gallery that it could be a week before my wedding and if a nice pair of hips came my way, I'd be on top of them on Monday and at the alter on Saturday. Call it a weakness, or call it the way that it is, it doesn't matter.

I think that the difference is definitely whether or not you are in LOVE with the other person or persons that you are screwing. An affair of the heart so to speak. Most men want to have a stable home life with a faithful wife at home that they can feel secure in, BUT we also want to enjoy the thrill of a new body as often as possible and the only thing that slows us down (not stops, slows down) is lack of time. But most men don't want the complication of an "affair of the heart", we just want an affair of the pussy. A guy can be married to a complete self centred bitch, but he typically won't leave her. He wants that stability of a wife in his life (I'm actually not like that, I'm quite comfortable living on my own, but allot of men are not.)

Society tends to think that a woman who fucks around outside her marriage is looking for an affair of the heart, that she's missing something in her marriage and to a greater extent than men, this is true. But women are stupid and they get sex and love all mixed up. That said, in today's society, more women than ever are enjoying sport sex. (Though they are still nowhere near men - we've made an olympic sport out of it.)

In some ways, swingers have the right attitude. They are married and committed to each other in all ways, but, when it comes to sex, they are comfortable with their partners having sex with others and actually revel in it because it's fun and why deny yourself the fun. (They know they're just going to do it anyway, so why make a drama over it.) I wonder what the divorce statistics amoung swingers is? If it's less than the rest of society (50%) or the same? Take infidelity out of the equation and divorce rates would drop I'm sure.

 

[james t kirk]

My brother then goes to the door as she comes up and puts his hand on the side panel of the door to block her entry and starts asking her questions. She never denied she was cheating, so my brother goes on to ask her is my daughter really mine. She says yes and then he asks the baby that you are carrying is it mine. She answers I don't know.

Well, as you can see this totally devestated my brother for a long long time. Blood tests were done and his son that was born later was his..

I read somewhere a statistic that 10 percent of all children out there are not the offspring of the husband.

Women, you just can't trust them to keep their legs together...

Hence the the reason in our society that women having affairs is more serious than men having affairs - children as a result of.

As in Jade's example, the woman is out spreading, gets pregnant, and claims it's hubby's baby.

I draw the line at supporting another guy's kid.

 

[RTRD]

The action....

Kind of funny though.....this is an escort review board and probably 75 percent of the guys on here are married and see call girls on the side.

So, it's kind of a pot / kettle thing.

I don't think that guys who have sex outside their marriage (as so many men do) should be passing judgement on anyone else who does the same thing.

It's the old double standard - men fucking around on their wives - well, c'est la vie. Women fucking around on their husbands - Sirens and alarm bells flashing.

...or condemnation of it...is perhaps a double standard.

There is no double standard in wanting to look out for the best interests of a dear friend...as in if a dear female friend of mine was in a relationship with a TERBite and I found out, I'd be inclined to rat him out. There is no "males gets a pass" attitude with me.

To answer the question.

It really depends on how much of a "very good friend" the very good friend is. Like yourself Glavin, my life policy has ALWAYS been to mind my own fucking business. MUCH better safe than sorry. Lots of people have garnered LOTS of grief inserting themselves into situations that in reality did not concern them.

Years ago...back in University...my best friend was fucking around on his then GF with the woman who would ultimately become his wife. The GF approaches me looking for advice, all broken up and what the fuck. I feel bad for her, so I tell her...look...you need to pull yourself together and move on emotionally, because he has. Does she thank me? Does she do that? Oh nooo....she confronts him about it, spends weeks humiliating herself trying to "win him back", a couple years later inserts herself in my life to learn more about what he was up to (I set her packing when she didn't put out quickly enough, only to later figure out she had no intention of putting out at all) and more than TWENTY years later looks my buddy up, gets him to agree to a "date" (he is now in the middle of a divorce) and tries to convince him to fuck her, with part of her approach being to convince him that the two of them would be an item now if *I* hadn't tried to break them up because *I* wanted her....Fortunately, my friendship with my best friend survived all this, because he was my best friend, but he never did appreciate (or forget) what he perceived as a betrayal...and I learned that people do not always...and in fact seldom...appreciate when you are risking your neck to help them...so don't bother.

Back to you and your situation....if this is your BEST friend...someone you love like a brother...you do it because there is no way you could live with yourself if you didn't tell him...and looking after HIM is more important than you having to deal with any painful consequences. If you love him enough that you could honestly say to yourself "I rather lose his friendship than watch him walk into this potential heart ache blind", then you do it.

On the other hand...if this is just someone who is a part of your "crew"...a great guy who you know, but not someone who you;d ask to be your best man at your wedding...or he you...then you have to question exactly what your motivations are. You clearly don't like her...and this is clearly not your business...so what is the point of inserting grief into the lives of people who really...honestly...are not critical parts of your life. Let live and let be. God / Fate will settle it all out.

All IMHO...

 

[OddSox]

Perhaps it was just a "I'm getting married next week, so this is the last time" thing...

 

[svtcobra]

This guy couldn't have said it any better. If I were you I would call him or ask him to meet you for lunch or something and tell him slowly. If he is you're close buddy (hangs out with all the time) I would tell him.

It's hard to go wrong doing the right thing.

Ask yourself if YOU would like know know if you were in his position.

Sure, you could be a wuss and not say anything and prolong what you consider as a friendship. But real friends tell their friends the truth and don't withold relevant information that could affect their friend's entire life for the sake of avoiding a potential conflict.

Pretty simple what to say. Call the guy up and simply tell him that when you were in Calgary last week that you saw his fiancee making out with a guy in the hotel bar and then leave and go up the elevator together.

Tell him that is all you know and that you don't think she saw you but you felt that if it was you, you'd want to know. Sorry if I'm sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong but I felt you deserved to know in case you didn't already so you coudl make your won decision. Tell him that although you know that it might be more expedient to stay out of it, YOU'D appreciate knowing so that's why you told him. Tell him that you don't want to get involved in his decision or anythign, just passing on what you saw without editorial comment or advice.

If he gets pissed with you, then fuck him, he deserves her and the long term implications (including single parenthood, alimony and child support etc) and doesn't deserve you as a friend. If he appreciates it you've got a clear concience and a true friendship.

 

[Emma@SecretaryService]

If you had seen your friend with another woman would you tell his fiance?

 

[RTRD]

Irrealevant...

If you had seen your friend with another woman would you tell his fiance?

...he isn't friends with the woman. He doesn't owe her shit.

 

[RTRD]

Also...

Perhaps it was just a "I'm getting married next week, so this is the last time" thing...

...irrelevant. A person is either a cheater or they are not. If he is prepared to live with it under those circumstances / conditions, that is his decision, but "it being a last time thing" does not make it any better or worse...it is still a violation of trust...if it is indeed a violation of trust.

 

[RTRD]

Now this...

Part of the rules of fight club - You don't cut someone else's grass. And if someone is trying to cut a friend's grass - you tell them.
If he is in your "inner circle" he deserves to know NOW, not later.

..I have never understood.

WTF do I care about it being someone else's grass?

Are you REALLY trying to tell me you confirmed that every woman you have ever fucked was not in a relationship? Do you query SPs as well?

What about facilitating someone else to cut YOUR SOs grass...namely...when YOU fuck around? Do you do that, or is that morally reprehensible as well?

Another persons relationship is not my concern...my concern is with MY relationship...so...I wouldn't fuck the SO of a friend because of MY relationship with him. I would tell a BEST friend his girl was fucking around on him because of my relationship with HIM.

Otherwise...what do I give a fuck? If you guys would learn to fuck better your wives wouldn't be hounding me anyway....

 

[RTRD]

Total...

It's hard to go wrong doing the right thing.

Ask yourself if YOU would like know know if you were in his position.

Sure, you could be a wuss and not say anything and prolong what you consider as a friendship. But real friends tell their friends the truth and don't withold relevant information that could affect their friend's entire life for the sake of avoiding a potential conflict.

Pretty simple what to say. Call the guy up and simply tell him that when you were in Calgary last week that you saw his fiancee making out with a guy in the hotel bar and then leave and go up the elevator together.

Tell him that is all you know and that you don't think she saw you but you felt that if it was you, you'd want to know. Sorry if I'm sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong but I felt you deserved to know in case you didn't already so you coudl make your won decision. Tell him that although you know that it might be more expedient to stay out of it, YOU'D appreciate knowing so that's why you told him. Tell him that you don't want to get involved in his decision or anythign, just passing on what you saw without editorial comment or advice.

If he gets pissed with you, then fuck him, he deserves her and the long term implications (including single parenthood, alimony and child support etc) and doesn't deserve you as a friend. If he appreciates it you've got a clear concience and a true friendship.

...cosign....IF....the friend is actually a close friend.

If it is just some guy who you drink and golf with every once in a while...this is none of your business...