40's NO KIDS
- Thread starter jrich54338
- Start date
What do you want your life to look like?
You can shape your life towards what you want, but keep in mind it will never exactly be how you Invision it. Dreams are just that, dreams.
I have a different outlook on things. Like you I am also without kids, but it's never been a driving force in shaping my life. I'm 52 and have lived my life the way I wanted and will continue to do so. Kids probably in the past 10 years has become more interesting to me. The idea of a son to mold into a man and have a different and new relationship that I have never had fascinates me and also frightens me.
Luckily as a man my timeline to have children is still possible as I am open to having children overseas and maybe a woman who will either a) enter into a relationship with me and have a child with me b) renting a womb.
Regardless I still have time left and I'm really in no rush as it's not personally a pressing matter but just a notion that I continue to contemplate the pros and cons.
One thing of concern from your post is that you are considering is fathering a family with an a woman 8 years your senior and with 3 kids. Unless this is your dream I wouldn't suggest doing it.
1) there will be a financial burden on you. If the relationship goes south you can be on the hook for child support even though they are not genetically yours. I sought out a family lawyer and paid his hourly to discuss the ramifications of marriage and children. You need to understand the rules before you play the game.
2) since she is older and has three kids it will never be about you and you will always be last. Let that sink in. Would you like to be last in a relationship?
3) you will never be the father but will carry the burden of responsibility for something that is not yours. You will not be treated like a father and not be able to parent as you see fit.
4) you will take on their life and mold yours to theirs. It will be about her life and her kids, not your life.
There are many other reasons why I would not go this route. It limits the vision I have to create. I would be creating a life that would not longer be my life and I would loose the ability to shape it as I see fit.
I would suggest watching content regarding relationships with single mother. Lots of perspectives out there, some good and some bad. However, you can learn from the life experiences of other men.
This is a huge crossroads you have come to. It's not something I would take lightly. Contemplate this decision as it will forever change your life. Take your time. As a man in his 40s you still have the ability to have children in the later stages of life unlike women.
I want to thank EVERYONE I am going to tell her it's not going to work out.
Curious, after the kids are adults and move out, what commitments are granted or expected from you by them?
Who says they move out when they are adults? lol Emotional and financial support rarely end once they become adults.
Anyone under 30 pretty much is screwed with how high housing has gotten in the past 5 years or so in Ontario and not everyone is offering low rent. Most people need a roommate or partner. That's not to say some will perhaps move further north, out of province or country. Quite a few are relying on their baby boomer folks for some inheritance when they downsize if their folks even have or want to give them anything to help out. You got the few adult kids who call or text their folks asking for help and the parents at times get stressed out too if they aren't doing that well either. I've seen that happen at a previous job.
Don't forget to mention the web site you got the advice from. That should kick her into touch, permanently.
Damn.
Did you get help like this from your parents after moving out?
It didn't happen for me, so it's an alien concept.
Joe,
I understand that you need to sort things out. Whatever is going through your head (and I have an idea of what it is) I want you to completely process your thoughts and feelings.
Your actions and the way we communicate right now are going to provide so much insight into how true our intentions are with eachother . I’m trying not to feel hurt or rejected because I know you are very unsure about the future with you and I. I can FEEL your negative energy. I can feel your uncertainty. I have a sadness within me because the life decisions you want to make do not have you EVER leaving your hometown. And you do not want to EVER put yourself hours away from your family.
The disconnect you are sending me is painful and I am do not even know how to feel right now.
Please don’t respond tonight. It has been a really hard day since you sent me that message.
Do you ever feel like the inside of your body is being magnetically pulled out and trying to be attached to someone? I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest right now …
This is what she texted me tonight
I understand that you need to sort things out. Whatever is going through your head (and I have an idea of what it is) I want you to completely process your thoughts and feelings.
Your actions and the way we communicate right now are going to provide so much insight into how true our intentions are with eachother . I’m trying not to feel hurt or rejected because I know you are very unsure about the future with you and I. I can FEEL your negative energy. I can feel your uncertainty. I have a sadness within me because the life decisions you want to make do not have you EVER leaving your hometown. And you do not want to EVER put yourself hours away from your family.
The disconnect you are sending me is painful and I am do not even know how to feel right now.
Please don’t respond tonight. It has been a really hard day since you sent me that message.
Do you ever feel like the inside of your body is being magnetically pulled out and trying to be attached to someone? I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest right now …
This is what she texted me tonight
If you are serious about your decision to not further a relationship with her I would suggest that you not contact her ever again, block her number and delete all contact information.
Entertaining any form of relationship with this woman, even in friendship is a poor use and waste of your time. Contact tends to muddy feelings and decisions. Focus on yourself.
I agree with the above. Ghosting has become a norm and even after chatting with her for 2 years it's fine. You both were into each other and finally were going to meet similar to say 2 gamers who live far away meeting online and connecting, but sometimes later on when it comes close to meeting or after meeting someone can decide this isn't really what they want unless you just wanted to fuck and ghost her. If you still want kids of your own take the advice of finding someone in their later 20s to mid 30s and it's a lot of work raising them right especially these days with social media and stuff. And people parent differently so you'll need to find someone perhaps similar to you in terms of parenting style of how to raise a kid.
I'd also suggest next time you start chatting with someone far or near do it for a few months at most then meet up if you want to get physical eventually instead of waiting 2 years. I'm sure within those 2 years you guys had great moments of convos and laughs but don't let it get to ya. Things happen and people move on. No need to dwell too much on the past. Most of my encounters with people and dates have been online and personally if someone just wants to chat for a month to get to know me more then fine, but after that if I'm interested in meeting in person and they still want to keep chatting or something I generally break contact.
I'd also suggest next time you start chatting with someone far or near do it for a few months at most then meet up if you want to get physical eventually instead of waiting 2 years. I'm sure within those 2 years you guys had great moments of convos and laughs but don't let it get to ya. Things happen and people move on. No need to dwell too much on the past. Most of my encounters with people and dates have been online and personally if someone just wants to chat for a month to get to know me more then fine, but after that if I'm interested in meeting in person and they still want to keep chatting or something I generally break contact.
OT:
Not replying to anyone in specific and I am older (51) but to me "ghosting" is the most cowardly, selfish and childish thing to ever develop in modern society.
No wonder people have difficulty growing real relationships with each other anymore and everyone is lonely and "anxious". Treating other people as disposable objects of emotional entertainment is horrendous and knowing that that axe can drop at any time is why real emotional attachments are disappearing so fast in the digital age.
A real man nuts up, gives his reasons and says goodbye. If the other person can deal with that or not is a different subject.
It's called emotional maturity. A lot of people (of both genders) should have had lessons in it.
Not replying to anyone in specific and I am older (51) but to me "ghosting" is the most cowardly, selfish and childish thing to ever develop in modern society.
No wonder people have difficulty growing real relationships with each other anymore and everyone is lonely and "anxious". Treating other people as disposable objects of emotional entertainment is horrendous and knowing that that axe can drop at any time is why real emotional attachments are disappearing so fast in the digital age.
A real man nuts up, gives his reasons and says goodbye. If the other person can deal with that or not is a different subject.
It's called emotional maturity. A lot of people (of both genders) should have had lessons in it.
If I'm dating someone and it turns into an actual relationship (bf/gf) we've ended things in person and being mature. I'd say more so the generation after me now ends things over texts. If it's just dating/fwb and I'm no longer into them I usually just ghost them and they get the hint (unless it was a long term situation that's on going). Not necessarily blocking them, but they stop texting me and me too. Most times if I'm not into someone more than fwb I don't overly text and stuff and they probably generally get the idea along with generally being busy with life and work to not wanting to carry a longer convo. And if the general friendship is good some people have gone back to just being friends and make it work it all depends.
The few interviews for work I had it's shocking to hear people take a position then ghost the day they are to start or ghost like under a week into their job because perhaps they can't handle it or something and they just don't show up back to work and give a reason. I've never done that at a job.
The few interviews for work I had it's shocking to hear people take a position then ghost the day they are to start or ghost like under a week into their job because perhaps they can't handle it or something and they just don't show up back to work and give a reason. I've never done that at a job.
Generally speaking I realize you can get all sorts of opinions from men on Terb, therefore, it's easy to be conflicted. However, this specific scenario many men are familiar with. They are spot on. Also there's not a shortage of guys who have been down this road and know the hardship to come later down the road.
