Elderly parents
- Thread starter bearclaw
- Start date
Depends how they treat their kids - if they kicked their kids out when they turn 18 , then don’t expect the kids to comeback & take care of them when they get older. You will be surprised on how many people out there failed at parenting and blamed their kids for everything
Last edited:
Assuming the relationship hasn't been totally destroyed somewhere along the way, and is at least cordial, children should step up when it is obvious their assistance is required for their parents as they age, whether it is to manage their parents' financial affairs, or their health care, at a minimum...
Hopefully they live in the same city, as it's much harder to do from a distance.
Hopefully they live in the same city, as it's much harder to do from a distance.
When they're struggling, if you still love them.
Depends on the responsibilities:
Physical - house and property maintenance like yard work and shovelling snow… anything labour intensive… I’d say do it sooner than later to help them avoid injuries… even better get the grandchildren involved.
Finances and bill payments - as long as they are of sound mind and aware of what they have and how they spend, leave them be. I would say to ensure there is a POA in place. If they’ve dug themselves into a hole… then “take over” without making them feel like they’re taken over. Get their bills on PAD (if done on a CC, then do a same day bill payment from their checking account)
Technology, social media and modern day security - make things easy and low maintenance sooner than later. Automations, tracking (phone, tags), network and device protection, educate them about social media and phone scams… “no one wants to give you money, no one needs you to bail them out of jail, your computer doesn’t have a virus”
I will add one to your list, which I did and it came in very useful. Not many are tech savvy, so along with assisting them with technology, speak to them about joint account, this allows you when the time comes, to manage their bills, as they often forget to pay bills or go to the bank to often due to memory lost. This allows you to respond accurately when they ask over and over, if their pensions came in and bills are paid, also you can shows proof. Also when they pass, you can access their accounts and avoid further headaches.
Word of caution here, if you do this you will be questioned over and over again by your siblings and other families. Alos if other siblings want to join-in, be careful, as too many cooks spoil the soup, and countability can be messy.
I had a joint account for over 15 years and only started to access it to pay bills in the last 5 years or so. One of my siblings had asked during the last 2 years, to join in when I told them I was managing their stuff, and I said if they want to fine, then I will remove my name, and they would have to manage all the necessary associated stuff. Obviously they backed off, as they did not wish to accept any responsibilities.
Mother is mid-80s
I do the physical. Shoveling the driveway, maintenance, grocery shopping, cleaning and mopping, driving to appointments. I've installed grab bars throughout the house, moved her bed downstairs, totally renovated the room she's in so it's warm and works. She can clean her own toilets though. I don't give a shit. She gets embarrassed enough that she eventually cleans them.
Financial - I do her investing...THANK GOD!!!! She was with Investors Group, what a bunch of absolutely almost-criminal useless fuckers...and pay her bills, do her taxes. Joint on everything. She went from doing ok financially to absolutely no worries & she has zero clue how much money she now has coming out her ass. I provide one sibling with yearly updates. Given my mom is doing better than 10% annual RoR on her investments, I don't get questioned.
I'm the Executor and keep one sibling in the loop and let the other sibling (who's going to sue me no matter what because they're just seriously close to retarded). I've made the will so that retarded sibling gets her inheritance via a Trust. Creditors and 'the husband' can't access the principal of the Trusts.
For the In-laws (mid-80s) it's a little different since I can't interfere on what the wife does. However, I sit in on their financial meetings, starting to pay their bills, going over there once/twice a week for groceries, drive for appointments, advocate with the Doctors, and do the maintenance, grab bars. Their Investments are really conservative but I'm not touching that. Father in law has dementia and likes to 'walk' so I've 'installed' air tags on him.
It's getting a little busy.
I do the physical. Shoveling the driveway, maintenance, grocery shopping, cleaning and mopping, driving to appointments. I've installed grab bars throughout the house, moved her bed downstairs, totally renovated the room she's in so it's warm and works. She can clean her own toilets though. I don't give a shit. She gets embarrassed enough that she eventually cleans them.
Financial - I do her investing...THANK GOD!!!! She was with Investors Group, what a bunch of absolutely almost-criminal useless fuckers...and pay her bills, do her taxes. Joint on everything. She went from doing ok financially to absolutely no worries & she has zero clue how much money she now has coming out her ass. I provide one sibling with yearly updates. Given my mom is doing better than 10% annual RoR on her investments, I don't get questioned.
I'm the Executor and keep one sibling in the loop and let the other sibling (who's going to sue me no matter what because they're just seriously close to retarded). I've made the will so that retarded sibling gets her inheritance via a Trust. Creditors and 'the husband' can't access the principal of the Trusts.
For the In-laws (mid-80s) it's a little different since I can't interfere on what the wife does. However, I sit in on their financial meetings, starting to pay their bills, going over there once/twice a week for groceries, drive for appointments, advocate with the Doctors, and do the maintenance, grab bars. Their Investments are really conservative but I'm not touching that. Father in law has dementia and likes to 'walk' so I've 'installed' air tags on him.
It's getting a little busy.
Last edited:
My mom kicked me out when I was 19. Eternally grateful to her. Best and kindest thing she could have done to kick me out of the nest. She said " I don't want you to be that guy living with his mother when he's thirty" which was a likely scenario considering my general "failure to launch". Good for her. Thanks mom.
That all depends on your parents abilities.
If they're physically unable to do certain things, then you help out. Great jobs for the grand kids, cutting grass, cleaning, shoveling snow, shopping, etc. Or you hire people.
If they have cognitive disabilities, then you better take charge, and utilize their POA, to make sure they don't get swindled. POAs should be filed with banks and phone calls made, with your parents consenting verbally, for you to discontinue or change services. Hopefully family is on board and aware and you don't have a thief relative/sibling, as this sort of thing has brought out some real family winners.
I've dealt with this myself, minus the bad sibling/relative part and it can last years. Be prepared for further deterioration, both physically and cognitively, by having some sort of plan in place, like being on a waiting list for as home (and knowing the cost of such) or if they're going to move in with yourself, a sibling or other relative. Depending on their abilities, you may need some sort of in home care. Another thing, on a long list, that you have to look into and be prepared for.
So there is no hard and fast answer, as it depends on their abilities, and what needs they have that you have to meet.
If they're physically unable to do certain things, then you help out. Great jobs for the grand kids, cutting grass, cleaning, shoveling snow, shopping, etc. Or you hire people.
If they have cognitive disabilities, then you better take charge, and utilize their POA, to make sure they don't get swindled. POAs should be filed with banks and phone calls made, with your parents consenting verbally, for you to discontinue or change services. Hopefully family is on board and aware and you don't have a thief relative/sibling, as this sort of thing has brought out some real family winners.
I've dealt with this myself, minus the bad sibling/relative part and it can last years. Be prepared for further deterioration, both physically and cognitively, by having some sort of plan in place, like being on a waiting list for as home (and knowing the cost of such) or if they're going to move in with yourself, a sibling or other relative. Depending on their abilities, you may need some sort of in home care. Another thing, on a long list, that you have to look into and be prepared for.
So there is no hard and fast answer, as it depends on their abilities, and what needs they have that you have to meet.
From ongoing experience, when they have to. It doesn't have to be all at once. Different capacities go at different times, but if you have siblings, or other involved parties, the time to start discussing different scenarios is sooner rather than later.
Also, have the legal stuff sorted out. That's things like the power of attorney of person (care stuff), the power of attorney property (financial stuff), and wills. Plan those things out with clear lines of succession, or if shared specify if one party can make a decisions or does it take all parties? Ideally get that stuff sorted when your 'olds' are still competent.
Also, your local community care agency may offer various services aimed at keeping elderly people in their homes (if there is financial need). That can be a helpful contact, especially at the point when people need help showering, etc.
Good luck. It can be tough.
My parents failed parenting miserably. I still help mom out with shopping and stuff, when I do take her shopping she buys my stuff so I pretend I'm at Costco.
My parents are in their 90s. I have access to their banking, make sure their bills are paid, taxes are done etc.
As for at what point do you take over responsibilities, that depends on many individual factors. If you're in close contact with your parents, you will begin to see the signs and know when to act.
You should:
- Get a POA. Have copies notarized as the government, bank etc. may require a copy. Also keep a PDF copy handy.
- Make sure they each have an up-to-date Will and you know where they are.
- Make sure you know where they want to be buried, if they want to be cremated, if they want a funeral, celebration of life or both.
While it may be difficult to discuss these things with them, it needs to be done. Being prepared and having the above items sorted and in place, will make your life much easier when they pass. Don't delay.
As for at what point do you take over responsibilities, that depends on many individual factors. If you're in close contact with your parents, you will begin to see the signs and know when to act.
You should:
- Get a POA. Have copies notarized as the government, bank etc. may require a copy. Also keep a PDF copy handy.
- Make sure they each have an up-to-date Will and you know where they are.
- Make sure you know where they want to be buried, if they want to be cremated, if they want a funeral, celebration of life or both.
While it may be difficult to discuss these things with them, it needs to be done. Being prepared and having the above items sorted and in place, will make your life much easier when they pass. Don't delay.
Last edited:
M
Macropenis
It's a hard topic to breach with old parents but you should get their Will checked over and updated. I had a hell of a time getting my mom's estate settled because the language in the will was unclear and all the witnesses were dead. So please get the parents Wills updated and checked over.
Next, if you can afford it, get a live in who sleeps right next door to your parent so it the parent falls at night they can hear it. Or get a video baby monitor.
Next, if you can afford it, get a live in who sleeps right next door to your parent so it the parent falls at night they can hear it. Or get a video baby monitor.
Further to your comments, I got fall alert pendants for them to wear and installed security cameras in several areas of their house. That way I can check in on them at any time. Not always an easy sell, but peace of mind if they go for it.
On that front, I can see people not liking cameras in their bedrooms (or bathrooms) but it's usually an easier sell to put them in some common areas of the home. That way you can peek in, and if they are absent from the common areas you can check in. Ultimately that's what worked for my family.
In the end we had doorbell cams front and rear and two interior cams that had good coverage of the two main floors of the house. It's handy even if they need live in care, and a caregiver needs to go out at times.
We kept that system in place until it was 'next steps' time.
Or get a suitable candidate to do so, as some are very particular to have their son, if it is a mom, assist in that manner.
Wiping their ass might be a bit much for what I'm about to suggest, and I said this above, but if you / they don't have a lot of money then get in touch with your local community care agency. These agencies offer a number of services, and can get you in touch with other agencies that have their own services.
Community care (the government) will do an assessment. Be there for that meeting. They will of course try to steer you towards paid services, but they will be able to pay for a private company to come in and provide some services aimed at keeping a person in their home. What exactly gets offered depends a lot in the local care agency, and the assessment, but they can be a big help. They will usually try to cover the biggest pain points for the elderly person and their caregiver.
In my case that was showering an elderly female relative. Which was a big problem. The local care agency offered up one shower a week. About 1/3 of the time I'd get any trusted female visitor to give her a second shower. The rest of the time I was giving her the second shower. That was still much better than me doing both showers. They can also make relatively cheap suggestions you might not have thought of (like raised toilet seats, bed rails, dementia clocks, etc).
Eventually she moved to an old age home. Community care services those as well. That local community care agency offered her two showers a week, go figure... So services vary.
