Lulz from the SVB Website
BY TIM KNIGHT FROM SLOPE OF HOPE
FRIDAY, MAR 10, 2023 - 16:17
From the Slope of Hope:
Since I entered Friday
massively short, and have
zero buying power left, I was bored enough to wander over to a place I've never been in my life - - the
Silicon Valley Bank website - - and take a look around.
I thought I'd share some nuggets from there, since, for the moment, the website is still up and running. As you might guess, since this is a
financial institution, it is absolutely
SLATHERED with
virtue-signaling. Indeed, there's not a white male to be found anywhere
except for their actual
senior leadership page, which is the kind of
do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do hypocrisy rampant in modern American corporations, particularly banks.
Let's stroll around, shall we? We begin, naturally, on the home page itself where the organization declares itself to be all about
proactive (now
there's a corporate-speak gem for you) guidance for the
long run. The long run as in "
your bank will not go into receivership on March 10, 2023." I guess that didn't work out as planned.
It only takes a moment to run smack dab into the
sea of the stock photographs of every gender, race, height, weight, and hairstyle imaginable as the soon-to-be-bankrupt corporation declared its commitment to
living its values.
What
are they, you ask? Well, they spell them right out, and they include
integrity,
empathy, embracing
diverse (of
course)
perspective, and - - my favorite - - "
We take responsibility." That'll be put to the test soon, I imagine.
Thus, the "
relentless partner" that is SVB continues trumpeting their wonderfulness. I'm a white fella, and I think I'd stick out like a patriarchal thumb on this photo shoot. Seriously.
Did you hear the news, though? They hired a
Chief Risk Officer just a few weeks ago! Isn't that
great? i wonder what
her week has been like?
I suspect when she came on board, complete with, at the time, a deliciously huge stock package, she was counting on the organization's "
proprietary, data-backed insights to help anticipate what's next." You
go, girl!
Lest any of you remain concerned about SVB's oft-mentioned commitment to
all-things-diverse, they have some
graphics to drive the point home. Banks are all about
metrics, right? I mean, sometimes they won't necessarily guarantee
solvency, but at least you know that the forthcoming ranks of the
unemployed will be a
rainbow of humanity.
You see, SVB believes "
inclusion ignites innovation." although I guess
liquidity wasn't part of the ethos.
In fact, the more I look at this site, the more I wonder if these guys actually did
any banking business. Every corner of the website is devoted to
values,
diversity, and
inclusion. Yet again, we get to learn about how
empathetic,
responsible, and
diverse they are, and how they speak and act with
integrity.
Really? So how come almost
$200 billion just went up in smoke? Asking for a friend.
Sigh. They just won't quit. For those considering a
job at this organization (when they were still hiring, almost their 388 open positions are still there for you to peruse), you could anticipate - - as an SVB team member - - "
mental wellbeing", "
physical wellbeing", and "
financial wellbeing." I never knew "
wellbeing" was a word, but at least I've learned one useful thing from this exercise.
Financial wellbeing. As in "
Your dollars wellbeseeing you whenever the liquidators can get around to it."
As I say, though, the "Career Opportunities" are absolutely still there (
female, check, person of color, check, eyeglasses to look smart, check) so that you can help businesses "
thrive in the innovation economy." Wait a second - -
innovation - - isn't that the word that was
Cathie Woods' undoing?
As for those folks who, in the past, were considering
investing in the ticker symbol known as
SIVB, the benefits were legion.
Strong credit and asset quality!
Strong capital and liquidity! And, hell, even their
revenue streams are diversified!
Of course, a company can't be faulted for tooting its own horn. Plenty of outside
Wall Street analysts (who come equipped with only one vocabulary word -
BUY) and
magazines loved, loved,
loved Silicon Valley Bank. Fabled business magazine
Forbes (who featured such notables as
Elizabeth Holmes and
Samuel Bankman-Fried on its cover in past issues) declared SVB to be one of
America's Best Banks. Once again, Forbes absolutely nails it.
Perhaps you were an
investor there. Perhaps you're pissed as hell that the money you've worked all your life to save has been clamped into a
safebox under lock and key until the good people of the FDIC sort things out. Well,
take heart. You may not have your
cash anymore, but with a little time on the SVB website, you can read about how responsible they have been with their
Greenhouse Gas Emissions. Because, God knows, second only to crude oil container ships and old John Deere tractors, the worst offenders of pollution are
investment banks.
To the naïve observer, having encountered the tidal wave of both
images and
text celebrating the diversity at Silicon Valley Bank, you might assume a look at their
Executive Team would resemble the United Nations. I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment. '
You see, there's a very wide
chasm between what the corporation
claims to be about and what it actually
is. I've frankly seen more diversity in a
New England college hockey team.
With the
CEO of this Broadway musical being, of course, the
baldest,
whitest dude on the planet. A businessman from
1952 would feel instantly at home in this executive suite, earlier pronouncements notwithstanding. But he's
not wearing a tie. No, sir! That would be not innovative and maybe even exclusionary.
And the above President, one Mr. Greg Becker, is not a
taciturn man, either. Not at all. He has
spoken and
written widely about many topics, including why the
innovation (there's that word again)
economy is a reason to be
optimistic.
Kindly note that the context in which he made this sunny prediction (the
Milken Power of Ideas Series) was named after none other than the most
notorious insider trading convict and poster boy from 1980s greed,
Michael Milken.
Life
is truly stranger than fiction.