As my kids move into early teens, I find myself feeling more and more negative about them. Despite our efforts at every stage, they have absolutely no interests other than video games, youtube and other passive, lowest common denominator entertainment. They don't like sports. They can't be dragged outside for exercise. They won't read books. They don't listen to music. They have no hobbies at all. They show no desire to be independent, in fact they are totally useless at planning ahead, remembering what they need to do, or even attempting to be organized. If we give them something nice they will lose it.
I realise I as a parent have a lot to do with this but I don't know why. For example music. All my life I've loved music. I'm self-taught on a few instruments but never had lessons or the discipline to be more than amateur level. Since my kids were born I've exposed them continuously to the music I love - classical, rock, funk, jazz, metal, punk, rap etc. I've had instruments lying around they could play with. My wife and I have spent a small fortune on formal lessons, and my oldest is even at grade 8 now. But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?
Anyway if they don't have any musical ability that's fine and we don't want them to feel shit about it. We often ask them if they want to stop and they choose to continue. Because even they can see that they gave absolutely nothing else to feel proud about. Academically they are lazy and not especially bright. They are not inquisitive. They are not ambitious. They have a bleak career outlook as far as I can see, although mine isn't exactly a shining example.
Does anyone else have a comparative experience? Is this just a symptom of over active parenting and a lack of role models? What can I do? Disliking your own kids is obviously not healthy. But I'd prefer to help them than sooth my conscience.
Well, I'm not a parent nor do I have any nieces or nephews but I can tell you from my childhood experiences while growing up.
First thing first,
kudos for you for wanting to be a good father , watching your kids wasting their potential future really hurts. Especially, when you are sharing your love of music with them, they don't seem to be interested in them. From that, you might want to ask your kids open-heartedly whether or not they want to continue because if they don't have the heart nor the passion for music - maybe it's time for them to seek something else that they enjoy beside watching youtube et cetera? If you want to know what's your kid's passion, maybe watch their youtube videos and see if you can transform into something worthwhile in the long run? Maybe make a youtube video or setup a channel with them?
Second, being a
parent is hard work and sometime it hurts. But being a kid is also
hard and can be depressing because both parties can't read each other's mind. For that, there is always a lot of miscommunication between you and your kids. Also, do you have any patience to talk to your kids without getting angry or raising your voice? If not, than you need to work on your temperament when you are talking to your kids. As Stoic philosopher had said, "
Anger is a terrible emotion, which you lose your rationality while making decision".
Thirdly, everyone has expectations but is it realistic? For example, if you want your kids to lose weight and stop eating junk food. Would it be effective to yell at them to stop eating junk food while you are eating a chocolate bar? Gandhi made a valid point, "
If you want someone to do something, YOU MUST DO IT TOO." So, you don't want your kids to eat junk food, you must also give up junk food. Regarding about the instrument practice, when your kids are practicing, are you there practicing/encouraging them or you are on your cellphone in the other room? Kids will usually mimicked their parent's behaviour. So don't be hypocritic and be consistent with your values.
Fourthly, when you are explaining about their mistakes/failures in life, have
a constructive feedback and ask them what way they can improve themselves? Instead of telling them, they suck and grinding your teeth when they are terrible. Cause being passive-aggressive won't make them better musician. Evaluate the situation, is it because they don't understand the music theory (is their music basic terrible?) or they purposely play terribly in front of you and your wife so they can quit? Also, when you fail at something, it doesn't mean you actually FAIL. The word FAIL is an acronym for. "
First
Attempt
In
Learning". If you don't fail at something, it means you are not learning anything. So, tell them this,
"The faster you fail, the faster you succeed because the word, FAIL, is actually your first attempt in learning."
Lastly, Mmouse, you have to sit down with your kids and be honest with them. You have to tell them that you worry about their future. If you don't have this conservation with them, they will mindlessly go through life. I understand you don't want to ruin your kid's childhood since they are under 18 yrs old and they should have a "FREEDOM" to choice their destiny et cetera. However, as a parent - it is
your job to make sure they grow up and be able to survive in this world without you or your wife in the future. Indeed, there are some teachers and parents peach this philosophy that their kids is their bestfriend or you should be their kid's bestfriend. I
ABSOLUTELY disagree with this teaching because there are some lines you just can't cross and you have to be able to tell your kid's the truth without being blind by your pseudo-friendship. Also, your kid's teacher are not really there for your kids, they are there just for the paycheck. If the teachers really care about your kid's future, why do they go on strike to get an increase in their salary? Indeed, there are some teachers that do go, "
Above and beyond their duty", but it rarely happens. Unless you are in an Asian society, where the society respect and cherish their teachers - even then - it's hard to get an exceptional educator to teach your kids about the way of life.
Overall, if you consistently treat them as a child, they will always be a child. As Confucius had said,
"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you've fed him for a lifetime."
Good luck.
P.S. Not sure if you had an opportunity to watch a film called, Rocky Balboa (2006), Sylvester Stallone did an amazing job on conveying about hard work and how to be a winner in life. <<
Rocky Balboa - how winning is done -
>>
P.P.S.S. To the TERB monitors, I'm not sure am I allow to post this youtube video. If I'm not allow, I'll take it out. Thanks.
