Is there a right time for the divorce talk?
- Thread starter renuck
- Start date
Frequent hobbying with wonderful girls has made me really happy, which is why I ask the OP my question...
It's one reason but not the only reason. I'm not interested in being married anymore and I'd like to move on.
Its nice if you have the budget to do that but yes I agree it does make me happy. My budget is limited with what I'm doing now but if I pulled out more cash per week it would be on the radar and I'd run out of explanations pretty fast. Also even when I do manage to see a lady that's getting stressful now too. If she has been trying to get a hold of me during that time it's the 20 questions after - again there's only so many excuses. Having to slink around like that just feels ridiculous, well it is ridiculous but it's the situation I'm in right now.
He's not on the fence. Trust me there.
He just wants some advice on when is the best time.
If mortgage renewal is in September 2019 - do you bring up divorce in January 2019? That is basically what he is asking.
Divorce takes time but how much time do you want to spend in the house fighting before settling the matter of the house???
I have never believed in the contract of marriage and I'm fucking him so I can't really help in this department.
There's a lot of sage advice on this thread. Before you have the talk, treat this like a business and get your financial and legal ducks in order. You don't need to have everything ready to be executed, but you should educate yourself on all aspects of splitting. On the financial side includes retirement savings, properties, pensions, expected inheritance, family heirlooms, extravagant gifts, and even credit card reward points. On the non financial side, think about adult children living arrangements, pets and even how you're handling mutual friends. On the actual splitting up side, you should educate yourself on all the ways of getting a divorce legally. Most cases this would start with a long period of separation, complete with separation agreement of assets and then going to a judge to get it signed off to execute the divorce many months later when you prove you'd lived separately. This means you will need to work out how you're live (in different rooms in the house, who's going to move out, etc). In those cases, you really want to get your legal ducks in order so you aren't accused of abandoning the home.
Here's something I learned going through my divorce and watching those closest to me go through it: Shit never goes as planned.
It took 3 or 4 years longer than expected because while we were going through all the right steps to getting split, those conversations become incredibly soul baring and intimate in nature and you might find yourself talking to your wife or her talking to you like you've never done before. Regrets pop up. Sincere apologies creep up. Unsaid wishes get said. My relationship went through a two year re-honeymoon phase where we re-fell in love and that was really unexpected from both of us. In the end it didn't work out for completely different reasons on why we decided to go down the 'research on how to get divorced part' and I wouldn't trade that last two years for anything. My best friend who is like a brother to me went through something similar, where everything was green lit on both sides to split and they took one last vacation together to see an aging relative and ended up taking a 5 day extended tour of the country to come back home committed to making things work. My uncle one day told his wife who stopped having sex with him he was unhappy and he needed more sex. She said she wasn't interested in sex anymore but told him to go find a girlfriend. He was unsure about that route until one day his wife came home with a widowed girl friend of hers who wanted a booty call. They now all live in the same condo building as neighbors and I'm pretty sure he's been faithful to that arrangement for some time. I think its' been about 20 years with that arrangement.
On the other hand, my sibling initiated a divorce with a man who was completely blindsided (he actually though everyone was happy and content) and it's been 15 years and he still hasn't recovered. I talk to him a few times a year and go for beers and he always always tells me he wish he had some warning signs or the chance to go through at least half a year of counselling together. My sister never ever once told him she was unhappy with something. She stayed silent and then pulled the trigger. I asked her if that was the case and she admitted she never told him she was unhappy. To me, that's not very fair. You own it to the partner you chose for life at one point in time to have that discussion and see how they respond.
Here's something I learned going through my divorce and watching those closest to me go through it: Shit never goes as planned.
It took 3 or 4 years longer than expected because while we were going through all the right steps to getting split, those conversations become incredibly soul baring and intimate in nature and you might find yourself talking to your wife or her talking to you like you've never done before. Regrets pop up. Sincere apologies creep up. Unsaid wishes get said. My relationship went through a two year re-honeymoon phase where we re-fell in love and that was really unexpected from both of us. In the end it didn't work out for completely different reasons on why we decided to go down the 'research on how to get divorced part' and I wouldn't trade that last two years for anything. My best friend who is like a brother to me went through something similar, where everything was green lit on both sides to split and they took one last vacation together to see an aging relative and ended up taking a 5 day extended tour of the country to come back home committed to making things work. My uncle one day told his wife who stopped having sex with him he was unhappy and he needed more sex. She said she wasn't interested in sex anymore but told him to go find a girlfriend. He was unsure about that route until one day his wife came home with a widowed girl friend of hers who wanted a booty call. They now all live in the same condo building as neighbors and I'm pretty sure he's been faithful to that arrangement for some time. I think its' been about 20 years with that arrangement.
On the other hand, my sibling initiated a divorce with a man who was completely blindsided (he actually though everyone was happy and content) and it's been 15 years and he still hasn't recovered. I talk to him a few times a year and go for beers and he always always tells me he wish he had some warning signs or the chance to go through at least half a year of counselling together. My sister never ever once told him she was unhappy with something. She stayed silent and then pulled the trigger. I asked her if that was the case and she admitted she never told him she was unhappy. To me, that's not very fair. You own it to the partner you chose for life at one point in time to have that discussion and see how they respond.
I am fucking reading my own story...
1. There is never a good time for this kind of talks. Just make sure there are not too many sharp or fragile objects around. Be calm. Breathe-in ans start talking. It is not easy and no fun. Be ready. Have a script in your head what you are going to say, what arguments you are going to present. Be calm.
2. "A great person"... Yeah... Sounds fucking familiar. Women change after divorce, especially if you the initiator. Event nicest and smartest, event if all seems to be settled down quietly... Eventually she will want her revenge. For my ex it took just 6 month, despite all my efforts to keep things civilized for the sake of our kid. And we were on the same page at the beginning... Get a lawyer. ASAP.
3. Get a lawyer - and advice form a guy who has done everything online. I can show you - how... But get a lawyer.
4. She will be your enemy. May be not right away - but eventually. Be ready for that. Probably, this is the hardest part, especially if you consider her "a great person" as I did my ex. Be ready to have an enemy.
Don't wanna tell any horror story, but one, from a colleague.
The guy was going through divorce process for 20 years. 20 years in courts. She will come-up with new and new and new request and demands again and again. BTW, SHE were the divorce initiator. The family law is badly screwed in Canada. I will teach my son to never marry. Anyhow, back to the story. This guy, after 20 years in courts, once told me: "I should had killed her 20 years ago. I would be out on parole by now." I know him - he wasn't joking.
You do sound like you have made up your mind for whatever reasons and that is none of my business.
It sounds like you are on a very short leash like me - fortunately I hobby during work hours. As far as budget, I am not wealthy but (in my case) it seems like a more viable option than the alternative.
Good luck with your decision and hope you have a favourable outcome!
It sounds like you are on a very short leash like me - fortunately I hobby during work hours. As far as budget, I am not wealthy but (in my case) it seems like a more viable option than the alternative.
Good luck with your decision and hope you have a favourable outcome!
You sassy hot delicious bitch...I would also like to be fucking him lol...maybe a duo is on the horizon!!!
Face the facts - your wife knows you’re fooling around or at least suspects. So you need to figure out your next steps ASAP. She might already be way ahead of you. Btw, divorce in Canada is no fault, so whether you fool around or not doesn't make a difference when it comes to splitting assets. But if she finds out you’ve been spending a lot of money on your extra marital hobbying, that could cause some problems especially if it’s been impacting family expenses. Somebody else can weigh in here. In my case, I hobbied throughout but it never came up in the separation and divorce.
Agreed. Im sure there is an undercurrent of discontent in the whole household. Kids are very perceptive to the parent's dynamic and probably know before you or your wife acknowledge it.
Most importantly, try to agree to an amicable split and find lawyers that practice collaborative law.
Look up the Ontario Collaborative Law Federation for a list of members. If you're both on board it's much better than a confrontational approach.
Marriage is more than just sex. There's also companionship. Just being in the same house without sex and without tension. Be ready to compromise because If you're going to initiate it...you need to bring more to the table. It can get nasty. My uncle had his divorce because he wanted out...he was a womanizer as well...my aunt knew and ignored it for most of the time with a few squabbles here and there...as soon as my uncle asked for it he bought his way out...paid the house in full and signed his rights to my aunt since the kids are all adults and don't care anyways. My aunt never married again. She never intended to...
To the OP,
I share my own experience with you,too. I'm in my late 50's. Married for 30 years. The first 10 years was wonderful with kids and all. Then, the middle 10 years was hell! Lots of infightings and hatred. The last ten years to the present? I can't ask for a better partnership as we grow old together. LOL!
The point here is that you can't take the forum seriously with whatever you planned to do with your future. I was in a similar situation like you. Spent a lot of times 'thinking' of how to divorce the right way, or spent times on the internet and talked to people for advices on divorce. Then, lo and behold it hit me that I SPENT so much times TRYING TO DESTROY A MARRIAGE. Why can't I spend the same amount of time to SAVE my marriage? So, I guess you want to be honest to yourself why don't you want to 'being married'? Will you remarry after divorce? You also mentioned that she is great and all. What's the itch to get out? Happiness being single again? Be careful for what you wish for. The grass is not always greener on the other side,imho.
Perhaps,can you ask her for a separation if all things failed? See, if you can survive without your wife and kids? I would keep the lawyers away as long as I can if I were you. Can't stand the thought of them sucking all of my hard earned money!
Agree with this. Interview lawyers and go with one who you trust, and one who lays out realistic objectives NOT one who promises a bunch of stuff. There will be times where your lawyer will tell you to back off and not bother with something that really upsets you and you need to have enough respect for their knowledge that you'll follow their advice. Remember - you hire a lawyer with the objective to get things done fairly, cleanly and professionally - this means you'll feel like shit at times (because nobody "wins" in a divorce except the lawyers). A good lawyer will work towards a settlement - you do NOT want to end up in divorce court.
Also agree with regard to the vacations and even Christmas. Of course this depends upon the situation. eg: IF you are remaining friends then maybe this would work - but that's the only situation I can see. Otherwise the sooner you start to separate your lives the better. If kids are involved then think about them too. Many will say that if your kids are young you should stay together. But it does not do kids any good to watch their parents in a dysfunctional marriage. Kids are not stupid. It is far healthier, in my opinion, for your kids to see you either working on truly fixing your marriage, or splitting and moving into a healthy role as a happier single parent. If you've given up on the marriage (i.e. see no future in it) then pretending that things are ok and coasting through a vacation just delays the inevitable.
Just curious, age range? How long married? I'm nearing 40, been with wife/dating for 17 years. Kids. There's nothing wrong, but I can understand that feeling of disconnect, and felt it more than ever before in recent times. People start parting and it's something that's just really hard to explain. My best bud (young kids adding to the stress) already did alot of research as he was ready and brought it up to the wife who was working alot. She begged and promised to change jobs. So they've been working on it and are much better.
So I can imagine what it is like once you're in your later 40s and especially 50s.
So I can imagine what it is like once you're in your later 40s and especially 50s.
