Due to a number of factors, including a fear of intimacy, shame and abandonment issues stemming from my childhood, my genetic predispositions, self-imposed stress by way of perfectionism and workaholism, and many others, I have been having protected sex with at least one escort per month, for the last three years, and I want to stop seeing escorts for a number reasons.
I do not view escorting, or having sex with escorts as being morally wrong, I don't view escorting or having sex with escorts as being objectively good or bad, and I think that whether being an escort or having sex with an escort is a positive or negative thing depends on the individual, and whether or not they are acting in alignment with their personas, interests, goals, individual values, and sense of self, and if they are thinking clearly.
The first time I saw an escort, it was after many years of fantasizing about having no strings attached sex with a woman that has a great deal of sexual experience (such as an escort or a porn star). With that said, what ultimately motivated me to see an escort was the death of a childhood friend, who died in a car accident, in his 20s.
I was in so much pain after my friend's death, I was in shock, and at the time, weed, alcohol, porn, and masturbation didn't seem like enough, in terms of numbing my pain. Fortunately, I have been sober from alcohol, weed, and porn for two years, for personal reasons. And again, I see no moral issues with alcohol, weed, and porn, but they simply didn't work for me, and my extreme personality.
Since the first time I saw an escort, despite the fact that I have had many amazing experiences with escorts, including great sex, and interesting conversations, and despite the fact that I have learned a great deal about my psychology, my sexuality, human interactions, and the escort industry through sex with escorts, more often than not, when I see escorts, it's when I am physically and psychologically burnt out, or feeling isolated, or feeling overwhelmingly anxious, or a combination of many negative emotions, as a way of managing those emotions.
As such, sex with escorts has never been something that has been completely spontaneous and carefree for me, and seeing escorts usually comes after a great deal of stress, anxiety, and isolation.
I should also mention that due to my anxiety, I have an irrational fear of passing on an asymptomatic STI to my future girlfriend, despite the fact that I get tested once a month, despite the fact that I have no STI symptoms and have never had any STI symptoms, despite the fact that I have never contracted an STI, and the riskiest thing that I have done was received about 10 BBJs since I started seeing escorts (so, about 25% of the blowjobs that I have received have been unprotected).
My therapist doesn't believe that I am a sexual addict, but she does believe that I have an extreme fear of intimacy, and that my sexual needs go unmet for long periods of time. I basically reach a point of extreme sexual deprivation (which also includes a deprivation of intimacy, and a point of spiritual deprivation), and "act out" when under various (self-imposed) forms of stress.
I basically do a lot of positive things, in terms of personal development and my career, but I take them too far, due to my anxieties, and they end up exhausting me, and burning me out.
I am 5'8, 32 years old, I look like I'm 22 years old, 193 pounds, around 12% body fat (probably less), good-looking, I can be thought of as having an A-type personality, I am very introspective, I own a marketing startup and work as a media production professional, and over the course of the last two years, after an existential crisis, I have used psychotherapy, psychedelics, acupuncture, naturopathic yoga, heavy weight training, meditation, journaling, the twelve step program known as codependents anonymous, the RTribe app for sexual compulsions and addictions, sensory deprivation, every book and podcast on psychology, philosophy, and personal development that I could find, and many other tools, to understand the nuances of my psyche, to ensure that I am physically and psychologically healthy, and to transcend my fears of intimacy and abandonment.
I no longer want to see escorts, because I would much rather have a meaningful relationship with a woman that I can learn from, a woman that accepts me for who I am, and so that I can experience the ups and downs of an intimate relationship, for more than four months, for the first time in my life.
It seems that every time I have sex with escorts, I am spending money that could be used to relieve my stress in far more adaptive, and less expensive ways, in addition to the fact that I am not dating, or getting any closer to the intimate relationship that I want to experience.
Finally, I had sex with an escort last night, we both had a great time, the sex was great, and when we were done having sex twice in an hour, she specifically said that I don't seem like a guy that sees escorts (based on my appearance, vibe, the way in which I spoke, my sexual capacities, etc.), she was surprised that I don't have a girlfriend, and she motivated me to get back onto the dating scene, and to face potential rejection (and potential joy) once again.
I do not view escorting, or having sex with escorts as being morally wrong, I don't view escorting or having sex with escorts as being objectively good or bad, and I think that whether being an escort or having sex with an escort is a positive or negative thing depends on the individual, and whether or not they are acting in alignment with their personas, interests, goals, individual values, and sense of self, and if they are thinking clearly.
The first time I saw an escort, it was after many years of fantasizing about having no strings attached sex with a woman that has a great deal of sexual experience (such as an escort or a porn star). With that said, what ultimately motivated me to see an escort was the death of a childhood friend, who died in a car accident, in his 20s.
I was in so much pain after my friend's death, I was in shock, and at the time, weed, alcohol, porn, and masturbation didn't seem like enough, in terms of numbing my pain. Fortunately, I have been sober from alcohol, weed, and porn for two years, for personal reasons. And again, I see no moral issues with alcohol, weed, and porn, but they simply didn't work for me, and my extreme personality.
Since the first time I saw an escort, despite the fact that I have had many amazing experiences with escorts, including great sex, and interesting conversations, and despite the fact that I have learned a great deal about my psychology, my sexuality, human interactions, and the escort industry through sex with escorts, more often than not, when I see escorts, it's when I am physically and psychologically burnt out, or feeling isolated, or feeling overwhelmingly anxious, or a combination of many negative emotions, as a way of managing those emotions.
As such, sex with escorts has never been something that has been completely spontaneous and carefree for me, and seeing escorts usually comes after a great deal of stress, anxiety, and isolation.
I should also mention that due to my anxiety, I have an irrational fear of passing on an asymptomatic STI to my future girlfriend, despite the fact that I get tested once a month, despite the fact that I have no STI symptoms and have never had any STI symptoms, despite the fact that I have never contracted an STI, and the riskiest thing that I have done was received about 10 BBJs since I started seeing escorts (so, about 25% of the blowjobs that I have received have been unprotected).
My therapist doesn't believe that I am a sexual addict, but she does believe that I have an extreme fear of intimacy, and that my sexual needs go unmet for long periods of time. I basically reach a point of extreme sexual deprivation (which also includes a deprivation of intimacy, and a point of spiritual deprivation), and "act out" when under various (self-imposed) forms of stress.
I basically do a lot of positive things, in terms of personal development and my career, but I take them too far, due to my anxieties, and they end up exhausting me, and burning me out.
I am 5'8, 32 years old, I look like I'm 22 years old, 193 pounds, around 12% body fat (probably less), good-looking, I can be thought of as having an A-type personality, I am very introspective, I own a marketing startup and work as a media production professional, and over the course of the last two years, after an existential crisis, I have used psychotherapy, psychedelics, acupuncture, naturopathic yoga, heavy weight training, meditation, journaling, the twelve step program known as codependents anonymous, the RTribe app for sexual compulsions and addictions, sensory deprivation, every book and podcast on psychology, philosophy, and personal development that I could find, and many other tools, to understand the nuances of my psyche, to ensure that I am physically and psychologically healthy, and to transcend my fears of intimacy and abandonment.
I no longer want to see escorts, because I would much rather have a meaningful relationship with a woman that I can learn from, a woman that accepts me for who I am, and so that I can experience the ups and downs of an intimate relationship, for more than four months, for the first time in my life.
It seems that every time I have sex with escorts, I am spending money that could be used to relieve my stress in far more adaptive, and less expensive ways, in addition to the fact that I am not dating, or getting any closer to the intimate relationship that I want to experience.
Finally, I had sex with an escort last night, we both had a great time, the sex was great, and when we were done having sex twice in an hour, she specifically said that I don't seem like a guy that sees escorts (based on my appearance, vibe, the way in which I spoke, my sexual capacities, etc.), she was surprised that I don't have a girlfriend, and she motivated me to get back onto the dating scene, and to face potential rejection (and potential joy) once again.
Last edited:
