WHY WOMEN START RESENTING MEN
QUESTION: Your video about Endless Passionate Sex angered me. (
http://youtu.be/NdE7NfyisP8) Not for the content about sex, but because I had that and now it's gone. She was aroused 24/7 and there was never a time where we didn't look forward to our next opportunity to be alone.
She stated that she never met a man like me who attended to her needs without having to ask what they were. Then it all changed… she became edgy, argumentative, and disconnected.... she said it was because the honeymoon phase had ended. Now we're lucky if we have sex once a month.
I have issues in my past that have given me challenges with anger and I went through a massive financial loss last year. But I'm the one who cooks, cleans, does the laundry and who provides for her and her kids while she goes back to school. Her kids love me. I love them and the two of us are aligned spiritually.
I loved her unconditionally and gave the freedom she wanted, even when she entertained the thought of going back to her abusive ex. I forgave her for it and wracked it up to her emotions which she said she were because she was hormanally crazy. I stood like a rock and loved her, but the closeness is gone, the intimacy is gone and the passion is gone.
I'm still in love with this woman. Why?
I am treated in an unappreciated manner. I am discredited on what I am providing. I'm totally spent, but I don't want to be spent. I want the passion we had. I want her passion and to know she is fulfilled - which she acts as if she is not...which would mean that she really isn't. I can only look at myself and see where I have gone wrong.
I really don't know what more to do. When is it a man's role to be a rock and when does he realize that he's the ship has sunk and it's time to call it done?
Anonymous
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RESPONSE: The short answer is that you stand as a rock for the woman who deserves it, otherwise you stand as a rock on your own. If she can't decide if she wants to stay or go, that's all you need to know to let her go. You hanging on will only feel clingy and make you undesirable.
What you should have done was ended it then because every moment from that point on you demonstrated you were a man without boundaries which makes you feel more and more unsafe. Ironically, if you'd ended it she would have likely begged you to take her back - and if you had, you still would have demonstrated you had no boundaries, were unsafe and she would have resented you then as well.
Here's what you need to do - STOP SAVING BROKEN WOMEN! You're not a savior, so stop trying to save them. Your job is not to save women, your job is to be a rock for women who are already whole. Being whole doesn't prevent them from being emotional, it means that they're clear on who they are, what THEIR standards are and that they're clear you're what they're looking for.
As a man you need to be needed - and that's the void she fills. That's not love, that's the feeling of her occupying a vacuum you have yet to successfully define. Your purpose is what you need to figure out. That's what's supposed to fill that hole. THEN you show up ready to be the rock in a woman's life, not before.
Here's a few of the things that stood out in your message:
"I have challenges with anger."
"I'm not 100% comfortable with my own financial situation."
"I cook, I clean, I look after the kids."
"I allow myself to be unappreciated."
"I allow myself to be discredited for what I do."
"I've stuck around with a woman who has told me she's entertained going back to an abusive partner."
"Instead of standing up to her or walking away, I set my balls on a shelf and spend time looking at myself and wondering what I'm doing wrong and why I'm not enough for her."
"I don't know what to do."
If you were a woman, would you be excited to go to bed with that guy?
The sad part is, you're acting emasculated in the relationship and even though her ex is abusive, the qualities she finds attractive about him are what you're not showing - the willingness to stand up for what he wants, even when that creates conflict to the point where he abuses her. You don't even have the courage to set boundaries with this woman that require her to treat you with dignity.
As men we're hard wired to be heroes and that's the role you've told yourself you've taken on with her. Walking away feels unheroic, and I get the sense that's the line this woman would throw at you, calling you a coward for not being her rock when she needs you most.
What she really needs is the space to work through her own issues and it's never our job to be our partner's therapist. Take a break, maybe a permanent one, and give her the space to do her work while you do yours.
The challenge for us as men is finding mentors who have had the courage to stand for the conviction of their truth. Most men either stand there and take the abuse, or do what her ex does and abuse in return. There is another way and it demands that you place the value of your truth ahead of the value of your relationship. You choose a partner who gives as much in return as you do, or you create the space to find one who has that to give.
What you're doing now likely makes you feel like you're being a good person for being supportive, but less of a man as you domesticate your energy rather than going out into the world and killing it in some dynamic of masculine performance. Think about it - you've taken off your balls and placed them on hold for this woman. Even though that's what's she's asked you to do, is it any wonder that you feel unfuckable to her?
There are millions of men in exactly the same spot as you, doing their best to be supportive and then feeling like they're hated for it by the women who have asked it of them. She resents you because while she asked for your support, she didn't ask you to stop being a man. You stuck around because instead of figuring out where the world needs you, you settled for pretending this woman needs you and can't exist without you.
It's scary to let go and figure out who you are separate of being needed by a woman, but you're no good to any woman until you truly know what your purpose in the world is and are living your purpose with confidence and evidence.
Part of being a man is being 100% congruent to your principles, even if those principles mean leaving her. It's a paradox for sure, but once you clearly know who you are you will find the woman who is the ideal match for you and desires to be challenged as much by you as she challenges you.