Why do People change?

[goodtime]

Inspired by Happy's biggest regret in life post - Why do people change after they are in a serious relationship?

After they spend the time and effort to chase and snatch the heart of their 'better' half. Sometime forego pleasures they used to enjoy or even sacrfices, change themself for the other person, then overnight they change.

 

[angelgirl]

Because they settle...they've made their bed and now they have to lie in it...depressing isn't it?

 

[lasslicker]

Change is a natural part of life.

After the "high" of getting that "perfect partner" to be with you if is unrealistic to expect the level of interest to stay at the "chase" level.

 

[PDL007]

Angelgirl hit the nail on the head "Settle", No need to try anymore. I have the same problem. It's depressing and frustrating but what are you going to do.

That's why the oldest proffesion in the world is still around. Thank God...

 

[Dutch too]

I think part of it is because once you get serious you not only get the significant other, you get the extra baggage along for the ride. Family, relatives and all the stuff you weren't privy to while dating come out as the extra surpise package !

 

[yoniluvrca]

There are different levels to this question.

We change, at the deepest level, because change is all there is. This moment is unique. There has never been one like it, and there will never be on like it again. Who you are in this moment is likewise unique-so change id inevitable.

On a more superficial, psychological, l level we change because we are all of us dishonest in some way. The one idea that is the most difficult to accept is that each of us is perfect exactly the way we are. So we pretend to be something else in order to convince some one to love us. Once we have (or believe we have) secured the love of another, we let the pretense drop and start to show 'true colors'.

You could also ask the question, "Why, despite all the evidence to the contrary, do people expect that their partner would not change?" To me that is a more interesting and vexing question.

YL

 

[Berlin]

- Why do people change after they are in a serious relationship?.

That sounded like what Arnold asked kiddo John Connor in T2.

Are you a bot ?

 

[booboobear]

Because they settle...they've made their bed and now they have to lie in it...depressing isn't it?

I don't think it's depressing .What can be depressing is if one partner does not accept the other as they are and tries to change them. If two people support each other it can be rewarding. I think what happens is that people really change when they are dating because they think they have to.
We put on a false front because we all think we have to be like the Bachelor.
If people accepted each other as they are there probably would be less " surprises " after marriage.

 

[Flower]

We are always changing in some way or another ...

I believe in always being yourself but often people try to be what they think that the other person wants them to be. Once they are in a relationship ... they revert to themselves, they haven't changed.








I change colours all the time ..

 

[Svend]

It's ideal if couples can change together and share new experiences or interests. All it takes is communication, just keep sharing your thoughts and you might be surprised how receptive the other person is.

Of course I'm a single guy, so this comment might be a load of horseshit.
What do you think?

 

[Flower]

It's ideal if couples can change together and share new experiences or interests. All it takes is communication, just keep sharing your thoughts and you might be surprised how receptive the other person is.

I think that people and/or healthy relationships grow rather than change. Yes, honest communication is necessary in any healthy relationship and does bond people in surprising ways.

 

[goodtime]

Hmm...deep

Because they settle...they've made their bed and now they have to lie in it...depressing isn't it?

Its depressing if we are let it be?

For your other half, how about Supertramp's or Goo goo doll's version, Give a little bit.

 

[goodtime]

Wow!

Another way of saying it: Only the dead remain the same.
That damn clock keeps ticking, and the days keep passing by.
Change is the first law of nature.

Beside, where is it written love is unchanging.

Question I've always struggled with:
Does love sustain the marriage.
Or, does marriage sustain the love.

Marriage is an institution, a commitment.
Love is a state of mind, and the mind can change it's opinion.

Thoughts for the day. Read Soren Kierkegaard - he discusses these matters.
The book: "Either, Or." A true classic.

Don. Back to my ivy covered castle.

Don, thanks.
So deep. Have to ponder and digest this.

 

[booboobear]

You hit the nail right on the head Svend !
. I also feel you dont need to be married in order to be happy and committed . There are alot of gents out there that are married but only committed to being terribly unhappy why do you think they end up here on terb and hobbying ?

Some of the happiest and most committed people I know are not married and have no intention of marrying because they wont just settle me being 1 of them .
Truely committed people learn , grow and change together it bonds them for life and can not be broken such a rare find but amazing when it exists and worth it in every way .

Misty

This makes no sense , whether you are married or not you are committed or not . It's the act of staying with someone that is the commitment not the paper contract. The question really is can you live with the person or not. I don't see how an sp can really be committed to someone anyway.

 

[Svend]

I don't see how an sp can really be committed to someone anyway.

People could say the same for married people or those in a relationship who see SPs.
But I won't.

 

[goodtime]

This makes no sense , whether you are married or not you are committed or not . It's the act of staying with someone that is the commitment not the paper contract. The question really is can you live with the person or not. I don't see how an sp can really be committed to someone anyway.

BOO! BOO! be nice.

 

[goodtime]

I believe in always being yourself but often people try to be what they think that the other person wants them to be. Once they are in a relationship ... they revert to themselves, they haven't changed.
I change colours all the time ..

Agree. I think we put on different masks to fit-in or be wanted. Other times we hide behind it or use it to protect ourselves. And when we are comfortable, we either remove those masks or put on different ones.

For relationship to flourish, both must grow in step. When one gets left behind, it takes a toll. Often see this with couples apart for period of time, in different surroundings. Their views and priority change. If they failed to communicate or be in-sync, relationship suffers.

 

[goodtime]

... In fact 1 of the reasons I say I will never Marry again is because Im afraid it would change me ( Im too damn independant ) hence why being single and in a relationship works better for me . I also feel you dont need to be married in order to be happy and committed . There are alot of gents out there that are married but only committed to being terribly unhappy why do you think they end up here on terb and hobbying ?

Some of the happiest and most committed people I know are not married and have no intention of marrying because they wont just settle me being 1 of them...

Life can be so fun at time.

I've several VERY independent female friends who are self-proclaim Feminist. They met their 'other half' and wham, they not only become housewives that they vow will never become and baby machines that pumped out several babies. They swear they can never be any happier. I guess their lesson is never say never?

On the other hand, I was in several intense marriage/relationship breakup discussions this week with different circles of coworkers and friends, who was with the dream 'other half' and then it all fell apart.

 

[Marla]

It is very hard to change oneself and impossible to change another. I think some people enter marriage, thinking they can change something about their partner. OFten the very thing they loved the most becomes the thing that separates. The happiest couple I have ever known, put their sex life above all else. They fuck in the kitchen while the kids are downstairs, before work and before bed. He is a pilot and she is a nurse so they can travel and often get into swinging. They take intimate holidays away from the kids and are always refreshing their sex life with some kind of new engery- classes, parties, swing clubs, and they are as much in love today as they were 20 years ago. He is a really horny guy- she is too- had married a woman who shunned him after marriage, it would have ended in divorce for sure.
www.theredzone.com/toronto/lusty

 

[Alluring]

Why do people change after they are in a serious relationship?

People need to be open, honest and secure in their relationship. I think if you don't have this then things tend to change in relationships. Then too sometimes when you're dating you percieve the relationship to be better than what it truely is, only later do you realize that it's not that great. Then again some people are just phoneys until they get what they want (whether intentional or not).

I believe in always being yourself but often people try to be what they think that the other person wants them to be. Once they are in a relationship ... they revert to themselves, they haven't changed.

It's ideal if couples can change together and share new experiences or interests. All it takes is communication, just keep sharing your thoughts and you might be surprised how receptive the other person is.

Of course I'm a single guy, so this comment might be a load of horseshit.
What do you think?

I believe what Flower and Svend have stated is very important to keep a good relationship. People do change, but if you can keep the lines of communication open then it shouldn't be a factor in a relationship.

I don't see how an sp can really be committed to someone anyway.

That was extremley rude and uncalled for. What, just because we are SPs means that we are not human? What a crock. The same could be said of a hobbyists, but that's just not true. We are all individuals with different sets of ethics, morals & values. It is very unfair to label someone as "not being able to be committed to someone" just because we are in this business. As with any person you shouldn't judge someone without knowing them. (seeing an sp once or twice does NOT counting as knowing them).