when your SO puts on weight...

[choclatluvr]

Here's my situation. I'm a guy who values appearances. Right or wrong, that's the way it is. I put a lot of effort into maintaining good health, especially physically and I admit it is as much for vanity as it is for reasons of body maintenance. My SO is a beautiful girl who has always taken good care of herself and her body. But over the past say 6 months she's really let herself go to the point where I am no longer attracted to her physically. Spiritually and emotionally nothing has changed, I want to be with her night and day, all the time. But I no longer get horny when she walks into the room, she didn't look good in a bikini all summer, and I no longer go on the attack anytime I see her nude, in fact now I often turn the other way. I'm just not interested sexually and it's because of the paunch, and the big butt.

She's stopped going to the gym, she eats terribly, she's become lazy. Granted there maybe some deeper reason for this which requires exploration but I get angry because I'm making the effort (and u all know it's not easy) while she just puts on weight.

I'm having real trouble lately biting my tongue and something is going to come out of my mouth sooner rather than later.

So I ask TERB, I love this girl, but how can I get her back on track so the physical aspect of our relationship returns?

 

[Mrs_Stiffler]

I would also ask about her schedule. Have you had kids? Is there illness in the family? Is she working long, stressful hours?

Depression is the most common cause of unexplained weight gain along with apathy, diminished energy, lack of motivation.

Continue to be supportive and try to figure out what has changed other than her butt size.

 

[choclatluvr]

Re: wow

Thanks for the great advice ladies...it is a tuff situation b/c I don't want to hurt her at all but at the same time I need to be able to be physical with my s/o and be attracted to her....unfortunately for me extra weight is unattractive no matter what other personality attributes are brought to the table. This is not something new that I'm suddenly springing on her, this has been well known since the start of our relationship, in fact one of the things that brought us together was our mutual admiration for each others bodies.

maybe see past the weight and remember why you love her as a person...your honest enough to admit its looks you value but hun, you may lose someone who fills youre life in other ways, if you dont handle this with passion....smiling

My feelings for her aren't changing and I do appreciate all the other aspects of her, but again, I need to be physical with her and right now I can't do that, there's no interest.

I've been seeing MP's more than usual lately b/c of this...it used to be an occasional treat for a job well done, now it's becoming an important source of sexual satisfaction...tough situation all around.

 

[sara@select]

You are implying that she used to work out. So, why not try to motivate her and yourself again by getting to know each other in a physical sense! By this I mean going to the gym together and spending time working up a sweat. Or better yet, say you miss her and would love to try a martial art, sport or some physical activity that takes you outside of the usual routine. That you'd love to spend time learning it together.
As for the eating habits, try making dinner for the two of you a couple of times a week. Make some yummy grilled fish or chicken, a nice salad, ect....
Show her you still are willing to put forth an effort and most importantly that you still care. I think if you foster a nurturing enviroment again, not only will she open up to you- but chances are the weight will come off also!
Good luck

 

[learningtoplay]

Mr. Chocolat Lover,
I have the same problem as your SO. My wife has worked hard to maintain her appearance and I have let myself go. I have lost weight on several occaisons;only to put it back on again. Once a fat cell is created, it will never go away. It may shrink in size, but it will always try to get big again. This is why a person who has always been thin can pig out on occiason and never gain weight. Where as the person who has lost weight in the past, will put on extra pounds.It is like being an alcoholic; you may get your drinking under control, but you will always be an alcoholic. Fat cells release a hormone to the brain and the brain get use to that hormone. When the hormone level decreases, due to weight loss, the brain begins to miss it. The brain will start to trigger a need to gorge or eat fatty foods. It is a vicious cycle. It is like bThis is why a person who has always been thin can pig out on acciason and never gain weight. Where as the person who has lost weight in the past, will put on extra pounds.eing an alcoholic; you may get your drinking under control, but you will always be an alcoholic. If she loses the weight, 95% of the time, it will only come back with more. The only way to permanently take off the weight and sustain it is to make a small change in your eating habits and stick to it. A person is much better off losing 2 lbs a month for 12 months than losing 24 lbs in 2 months. Do not go for the diet pills, drinks, meals, plans etc... .
My SO uses my weight as a point of vulnerability. It will always come up in arguements.
It is very difficult, but I have to eccept that I will never be an Adonius again. I just dont have the discipline to chance my ways forever. Unless your SO is in the very elite class of people who can sustain the lifestyle change, she will always struggle with weight

 

[choclatluvr]

Two words come to mind...COP OUT...or maybe this...EXCUSE

The point I'm trying to make is that I work hard to maintain a degree of physical attractiveness both for myself and for her (maybe 60% for myself, 40% for her)...she used to do the same although the percentages were probably closer to 50/50...physical attractiveness is important to me, what kind of person this makes me is unimportant. The fact is she knows this and no degree of patience, love or generosity is going to change the fact that I no longer want to have sex with my GF because she is getting fat. It is a struggle to maintain a healthy, attractive body. I understand this as it is a struggle for me too. But I do it because it's worth it and I expect no less from my SO.

When we met and until recently she was hot and she had a great personality. Now she only has a great personality. This is not good enough for me. I want to tell her to get back to her gym routine, stop eating crap, and stop being so lazy.

How can I do this w/o hurting her feelings?

 

[sara@select]

Did you maybe miss my post? I still honestly think the best way to get her to stop eating crap and to get back to being active is do it with her. I think as much as it may or may not be a cop out- if you get involved firsthand and help her she may get the hint. If you are not willing I think you'll have to sit down and tell her that by letting her appearance go she is putting a big damper on your sexual desire.

 

[C Dick]

Often women just do not understand how critical it is to (most) men that their SO be attractive. I have made a relationship-long effort to educate my wife about what is really important to me (e.g. stay looking hot and I don't care if the house is a mess, you don't cook, you don't do laundry, you don't make money, etc.). Now that she understands that it is so important, she makes the right decisions.

It is particularly effective when she has been sharing her feelings with you, and gets around to asking you what you are thinking about or would make your life better, and you can say "actually, what is most important to me is that you put more emphasis on your appearance". You have to try and be nice about it, but she has to understand how important it is to you. Only then can she be motivated enough to work on it. Obviously it is better to educate her before the weight goes on, when she will not be upset, but you don't have that option.

 

[thecoolguyms72]

Wow, how much easier would life be if all women were as understanding as Aurora. Most women, unfortunately couldn't take the "sit down and talk" mainly because, as a few of the other ladies have mentioned, the weight gain often has to do with some type of emotional situation/problem or stress. In either case, this approach may blow up in your face because I will guarantee you that she knows she is getting fat. I highly doubt that she gets dressed or showers and sees herself in the mirror and thinks she looks great still. Hell, most women that do look great usually don't think they look great (which gives us average men a shot at hot women).

I wish it were as easy as sitting down and talking it out for sure, but it surely isn't. So, I have to say that I like what Sara has to say, it's at least a way to get the ball moving in the right direction, give her some much needed self esteem and then when there is some progress you can talk to her and maybe she won't take it so bad.

As for learningtoplay's response, I'm with you choclatluvr, what a total cop out. That's a serious case of rationalization going on there. Someone got the medical journals out and searched and searched to see if they could justify why they are fat. The funny thing, in all that justification, it doesn't seem he's all that happy with being fat. I got fat and my gf at the time said, "hey fatty, get off the couch and do a sit up or two so I can be attracted enough to fuck you again." And that's damn near a direct quote. But I'll tell you what, I got a new gym membership the next day, and in less than 3 months I lost 35 lbs and was looking and feeling so much better about myself, and our sex life was awesome. Unfortunately we only get along as friends, or sexually, but not both, but that's another story altogether. The point is, if you put the fork down and burn a damn calorie or two once in a while, you won't be a fatty patty eventually. Results may vary, but I'll tell you it works. And when there's a fork in your hand, have some good food on the end of it like salad, chicken, steak, veggies........and if you can eat it without utensils, it's probably not good for you, namely sandwiches, most so called healthy wraps aren't so healthy, chips, nachos, most appetizer menus at restaurants and bar food. And try not getting drunk all the time. Such empty calories. I love a great beer, believe me, as well as a good scotch or nice Ketel One vodka, but I'll tell you, I like it more when I don't have it all the time, it wreaks havoc on your body, and is full of empty calories. Okay, enough of the Richard Simmons routine, I feel like oiling myself up, putting some candy striped shorts on and a big curly wig for chrissakes.

All in all, choclatluvr, I think you need to get more involved in how she is feeling, get involved in her physical life, and Sara is right, cook some healthy meals she will like and then as she comes around, talk to her about how you feel, that you love her, but you want that love to be more than just intellectual and emotional, but physical too. That's the holy trinity of attraction, if you ask me, and when one of those legs falls off, the devil will wreak havoc on the relationship, and it looks like he's doing that to you. (did I use wreak havoc twice in the same post?).

I do wish you the best, and realize I have rambled on far too long. Glad to hear from the ladies on this one as well.

Coolguy.

 

[jackalltt]

Re: Re: wow

My feelings for her aren't changing and I do appreciate all the other aspects of her, but again, I need to be physical with her and right now I can't do that, there's no interest.l

I don't know how old you are nor do i care but when i was younger i was hung up on the physical appearence thing also, but as you get older you realize that it is only a small part of what is really important. Then when it is too late and you really yearn for that one that satisfied all your other needs she is all of a sudden alot more attractive to you than you thought. Don't let that get in the way of what could be a beautiful thing. Don't forget that most of the hobyists here look for a GFE which is what you seem to have so don't overlook that for just appearence.

Just a thought!

Jack

 

[Ophelia Black]

Don't bring it up right now...

You know...if it is depression, is she taking anything for it? That needs to be addressed, because if she's clinically depressed, any way you bring up her weight is is going to be the wrong way.

Believe me, she already knows how you feel, and is dreading you bringing it up. Depressed doesn't mean dumb - actually, you tend to be extra sensitive to what others may be thinking.

BTW, did something significant happen six months ago? A job loss or change, a significant birthday? An brush-with-mortality-accident? A family member of hers suddenly being more in the picture? A death?

If she doesn't want to go on medication (ironically, most anti-depressants cause weight gain), the very next best thing she can do about depression is exercise, and improve her diet - less sugar, caffeine, fat - the same things that will help you lose weight.

Exercise and a better diet can allow people on medication to go off, and still maintain their new normalized moods - or it can simply normalize mood without the need to even start medication.

I would suggest bypassing the whole weight issue entirely at the moment (I can pretty much guarantee it'll make the situation worse), and just approach it as depression, and suggest going to the gym together, and eating better together as a way to improve her mood.

I can't imagine, that at heart, she's any happier than you are with the situation, and that probably indicates that she is depressed, even if she's been pretty good at downplaying or denying it, because her behaviour has changed in a way that may show she feels hopeless to change things anymore.

I've been depressed since childhood (dysthymia) and been on various flavours of anti-depressants for over 10 years, and if I don't exercise, and I eat crap, things really go to hell. You have no energy, and you start feeling that nothing is going to ever make you feel better again. Not fun.

That may be how she is feeling right now, so bringing up the weight issue might really make her feel hopeless - and so MORE unable to start getting to the gym and eating decently,; "the ol' why bother - I suck syndrome" That makes no sense to an undepressed person, but sums up existence for the clinically bummed-out.

Hope this helps.

 

[papasmerf]

One of the difficulties we experience as we age is weight. I think it bothers most of us that we can not maintain the bodies we had as teens. But face it boys and girls we work most the day away and do not always have time to work out. Most of us see a solution is diet and exercise and it works but not to the extent that youth did.

As for the reasons we gain. Dont mater it bothers us no mater what. But we do need to understand that evry thing we do has is a trade off. We spend time with GF or KIDs it means less active.

If we want to be fit toss the car and get a BICYCLE. Swim instead of water ski and most of all keep ALCOHOL in the first aid kid not the fridge.

 

[shack]

Here's a simple solution.

Continue to love her both spitirually and emotionally. Say nothing about her weight. See SP's for your sexual fulfillment.

This is a formula many Terbites already use with great success.

 

[La Contessa]

just a thought.....

Maybe she found out that you are seeing MPA's and is afraid to broach the subject? Maybe she is subconsciously punishing you and herself with this?

Then again, maybe you really are 'perfect' and there is other underlining reasons why her self esteem has taken a blow.

Either way, forget the 'outside' entertainment for awhile, and concentrate on her. Love, good communication and spending 'quality' time with her will go much further to fixing the problems. Turning your back on her is a no-win situation for the both of you.

She sounds like a 'keeper' to me, and worth the effort.

 

[ford]

Give to her more often - that should burn off a couple of lbs.

 

[james t kirk]

I would also ask about her schedule. Have you had kids? Is there illness in the family? Is she working long, stressful hours?

Depression is the most common cause of unexplained weight gain along with apathy, diminished energy, lack of motivation.

Continue to be supportive and try to figure out what has changed other than her butt size.

Or it just could be that she likes to eat.

(My problem)

Putting weight on is easy, enjoyable even. Taking it off is a different story. It doesn't have to be about depression, other than being depressed that you are turning into a big ass.

I find what works best for me is simply avoiding sugars. Pop - out (i buy bottled water by the case now), ice cream (sob) - reduced (i wish i could say out)

Then there is breads, pastas, etc.

MMMM, chocolat

Hey, you wanna see FAT fat chicks, go down to the States. I swear i have never seen so many 30 ish women who are just plain fucking obese. Never mind a bit of a paunch. We're talking RO-TUND. They look like they are mid 40's and my dick wouldn't even quiver for these chicks.

If you GF is still wearig a BIKINI, (for christ's sake) she can't be that fat!

Maybe you are obsessing about skinny chicks a bit much.

I have a friend (who is a bit of a fat ass himself at 5-8 and 240ish) who seems to think that women should be all bone racks with big tits. He's obsessed with skinny women, anorexic even. What I consider a totally normal build on a woman, he thinks needs to loose 20 #. What i think is a true medium build, he thinks is obese.

How tall is your GF and how much does she weigh?

 

[learningtoplay]

Once fat, you will always be fat. If you can't live with or have sex with a fat person. Time to move on to thinner pastures. This is coming from a fat person who deals with a SO who is always on his case.

 

[2sexxxy]

Get her hooked on crack, coke or heroin that should solve her problem.

P.S. Honestly I would buy her really nice lingere thats a little to small for her.

 

[cooper]

Success is fleeting

Here's a simple solution.

Continue to love her both spitirually and emotionally. Say nothing about her weight. See SP's for your sexual fulfillment.

This is a formula many Terbites already use with great success.

Sure its a formula that many Terbites use with great success. But that success will be fleeting. As the physical intimacy breaks down then it is sure to affect the mental and emotional intimacy.

Women think that all men want is great sex. This is very far from the truth. Men, on average, just place a higher priority on sex. I think for women its more about feeling close to their partner than "getting off".

So its true that "formula" may work for a while. But then one day you will wake up and realize that you have been investing your time in the wrong place instead of developing a lasting love with someone. Or, you may discover this too late. The end result is you will be alone.

It certainly sounds like there are other issues going on with this woman. I would take the time to find out what those issues were. Try and address those issues and not place that much of an emphasis on a little extra weight. Because the trap you can fall in is that you will only get sexually aroused when with an MPA or SP. The trigger for your sexual arousal should not be just about a hard body but about being with someone you care deeply about.

I don't know what came first here... the weight gain... or the lack of interest in physical intimacy. The latter certainly could of contributed to the former.

The tough thing is to create a compromise. I will admit, from a man's perspective, I think the things women wnat men to compromise on are easier for the man to achieve. The woman may want the man to be more gentle in sex, more loving, spend more time. Or she may want him to do more around the house, be there to support her emotionally, ask her about her day, be thoughtful, etc. I think men that are unfulfilled sexually have a VERY difficult time bringing this up to their partners. Maybe their partner is very satisfied with "one go around" and cuddling when once in a while the man wants to spend the morning in bed going back for 2nds and 3rds. I mean maybe not all teh time, but once in a while. Or maybe the man wants more oral, or whatever. These are desires that most men will never bring up with their partner, or they may bring it up once and never again. then the man goes unsatisfied with regard to his physical wants and desires which is not good. Both parties MUST compromise and meet each other half way if the relationship is going to be a success long term. I mean what is the big deal if a woman has sex a little more often than she wants? Maybe she will come to like it. Maybe it will bring the couple closer. Maybe it will encourage the man to give her more of what she needs. Its all about compromise... finding a middle ground.

If you had that physical attraction once and it is only a matter of a little weight loss that is not an issue big enough to lose a love over. That is insane. Maybe you need to compromise a bit. At least take the initiative. If you don't you are going to lose her and then you might one day wind up realizing that you made the biggest mistake of your life.