What were the reason(s) for your breakup(s)?

[canada-man]

Do you see SPs starting a thread bashing all their exes? Even all these "BPD" women around, (that seem to be so incredibly high in abundance according to all you Doctors), I bet they would probably have some things to say about you guys too. This whole thread comes off as whining, blaming, and narcissistic.

I suspect the women weren't the problem in most of these breakups. Or at the very least, were not the ONLY problem. .

SP talk about their exes on twitter

 

[thirdcup]

This if I may say, has been an interesting thread. I never thought Borderline Personality Disorder would have this kind of prominence. The was one mention of money, and one, not mine, of family differences.
Anything else gents?

 

[Robert Mugabe]

She wasn't the woman I thought she was. She was a man.

 

[kherg007]

She wasn't the woman I thought she was. She was a man.

El-oh-el-ay looooooola..

 

[Mr.lover]

Filipinos women take care of their men, its seems to be a cultural thing, even as most of their men treat them like crap. However the modern ones are driven by material means. I had this friend during my university days who I had a big crush on, talked for hrs on the phone, paid her bills, lent her money, got the odd day of sex when she was lonely and drunk but she had serious baggage. Low self esteem, abusive relationships, etc. She broke me, especially when she would tell me about all the guys she fucked, once she called me and told me that last night she met one of the guys from the frat and they ended up in one of those adult movie booths and ended up fucking him in there. Well thank god I dodged that one, but for yrs, other women paid the price unfortunately.
I still choose badly, always drawn to women who had baggage but realize that in my 30s and got out of that rut.

 

[thirdcup]

Filipinos women take care of their men, its seems to be a cultural thing, even as most of their men treat them like crap. However the modern ones are driven by material means. I had this friend during my university days who I had a big crush on, talked for hrs on the phone, paid her bills, lent her money, got the odd day of sex when she was lonely and drunk but she had serious baggage. Low self esteem, abusive relationships, etc. She broke me, especially when she would tell me about all the guys she fucked, once she called me and told me that last night she met one of the guys from the frat and they ended up in one of those adult movie booths and ended up fucking him in there. Well thank god I dodged that one, but for yrs, other women paid the price unfortunately.
I still choose badly, always drawn to women who had baggage but realize that in my 30s and got out of that rut.

This is interesting. In the middle of your paragraph, you said she broke you. Did you mean financially, or emotionally or both? Also at the bottom of your paragraph you said other women paid the price unfortunately. Then you say 'I still choose badly...' To me this does not make sense.

At least you have fessed up to the role you have played.

I agree that Filipinas take care of their men. I explained as much at the beginning of this thread. I also knew a Filipina who lived in Canada on a work visa, and then became a Canadian citizen, and then she married a Filipino who always worked in a different country. I think he remained a citizen of The Philippines. And every few years when his employment contract ended, he would find new work, also in a different country. But this guy, who was a stand up guy, had a son with a different woman, and he left it to his new wife, the Filipina I was acquainted with, to watch over his kid. It seems to have worked for them, but this arrangement left me scratching my head. This happened before the year 2000.

Fun fact: The Philippines are named for King Philip of Spain.

 

[thirdcup]

Robin Williams has famously said that men only have enough blood to supply one head at a time, and therefore decisions get made on that basis

I know as well as anyone that in your 20s men most often think with their little head, and sometimes do regrettable things. But as we get older, we hopefully also get wiser. So this broaches a larger question for the terbites.

For anyone who has had a string of bad relationships, you are the common denominator, so what are you doing to attract these women, and why do you engage in a relationship with them? Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family? Did your parents model bad behavior? Did you get bad training? Here is an opportunity to share knowledge, and for us to learn from each other. I think this would be especially worthy for the young bucks in the crowd.

So gents (and ladies), continue to have at it.....

 

[dorothysquid]

I have BPD. I have never dissociated and I have a strong sense of identity. otherwise this is precisely what it is like

 

[dorothysquid]

 

[RZG]

The only way to keep a woman interested is to constantly demean her. Do not ever look up to her. Treat her like a child and she'll want to fuck you every day.

Divorce is sky rocketing because most men do the exact opposite.

A lot of truth to this, maybe not quite to those extremes though. All women desire male guidance, they at heart understand they are petulant children. If a man treats them like an absolute gentleman or white knight, letting them get away with all their crazy shit, all respect for you is lost and you will receive never ending abuse and scatter brained chaos from them. I speak from abundant experience, I was a very slow learner. Every man I now know that is in a total mess of a relationship or marriage treats her like she is some priceless being, repeatedly being fucked over and shit on. I also learned never, ever, be afraid to walk away.

 

[dognutz]

My first one was when I spained my right wrist.

 

[xix]

The other type of people to be careful from are Narcissist.

They or minority of them can't last more than 12 months into a relationship. I will post a video if anyone interested.

 

[Caspertheghost]

Time to come clean- What were the reason(s) for your breakup(s)?

Was it money issues?
Was it dishonesty?
Was it a simple but important misunderstanding?
Was it family- yours or hers?
Was it different expectations?
What was/were the reason/s?

Bonus points if you reveal your age and the age of the person you broke up with, and the length of time you were together.

It is my anticipation that of all the reasons people give, there will be a small number of reasons that will repeat throughout this thread.

I'll start things off

I had two significant relationships in my past, both in my later 20s. I am now several decades older. The first was with a Canadian Filipina who was 30 years old. I thought she was younger. She revealed her age early on. According to me, we were together for roughly one year. According to her, we were together for roughly two years. It turned out that she wanted to settle down & start making babies. When I realized this I did the honorable thing and I ended the relationship. We kept in touch for a short time afterwards, until she found a husband. This now meant no further contact. I look back favorably on those days. She took good care of me, not only sex, but in every other way as well. I knew she would be upset, but I did the right thing. She was a real sweetheart. It was tough, because I did not want to hurt her. I am sure she has made her husband a happy man. I can only hope that he was/is able to make her happy. In summary, I ended the relationship, because our expectations were not aligned. I have no rancor to her, and I'm sure she has no rancor to me. We do not share any acquaintances, so I am sure we will never bump into each other, except perhaps on the street, by accident. I look back on those days fondly. She made my life easier. It's tough to wear a mask, be on your best behavior, for a whole year, or two. She was the real deal.

Relationship experts (whoever they are) say the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.

My second significant relationship just barely got started, and it lasted all of three or four months, roughly. She was 29, a few years older than I was, and also on the hunt to lock a man down. Silly me, I did not understand that. She was very attractive, and several of my buds expressed envy at the arm candy I had. I won't lie, being envied felt good. However, she never missed an opportunity to shit test me- calling me cheap, saying I run like a girl, and many other things to deliberately put me on the spot. As best as I can remember I responded with 'fine' or 'if you say so.' We barely started sleeping together, and then she invited me to have dinner with her family at her parents' house. I had the opportunity to meet her parents, her sister, her brother in-law, and her young neices. I was not keen on this, but I said yes anyway. To repeat- Silly me, I did not get that she had a plan. They wanted to check me out.

The next day or soon after, she said I did not pass muster with her family. I was not looking for a wife. I was only looking to have fun, so I did not care that I did not pass muster with them. She fired me. I was polite when she gave me my notice, I did not cry or beg her to reconsider. I might have calmly said something like 'I understand,' or words like that. Then I told her I still wanted to take her out to a fancy dinner. This was during the holiday season, and she spent what I thought was too much money on me, since we had only been together less than three months, so I felt obliged to respond in kind. After dinner I invited her to my apartment, and she said yes. But she would not sleep with me. Kissing fully dressed, was all she would permit. When it finally got through my head that no really meant no, I took her home, and that was the end.

We resumed our relationship a short time later, but the shit testing never stopped. Also at that time in my life, I felt it was more important to keep the peace than to say what I really thought (in hindsight, this was the training I received as a child- go along to get along, and as a kid, I did what I was told, most of the time, or suffer the consequences), and also in hindsight I understand how she might have been (was probably) misled. It did not end well. Lots of anger, from her, which I understand. Occasionally I wonder what would have happened if had the strength to be honest, or if I had broken free of my training as a child. Would she continue to shit test me? Would we have mutually agreed to end things? This was a woman that taught me a lot, just by being herself. What I finally figured out was that she was trying to control me*. This was never true with my Filipina gal, my Filipina gal was happy just to be close to me. I will put up with controllers to a point, if they explain why they want me to behave in a certain way, and it makes sense to me. But we were just getting started in this relationship that went nowhere fast. If she was done with me, as she had said, then why did she accept my offer for a fancy dinner? And why did she accept my offer to return to my place? I think she was not being entirely honest, at best she was unsure of what she wanted, at worst she was trying to extract resources from me, even if that meant she had to bend the truth. She should have cut her losses and said no to my offer. It was a little after this fancy dinner that she saw fit to be my girfriend again. One thing that nags at me is - why did she come back? We were together for a few more weeks, but when I refused to bow to her will she must have decided I was not worth the effort. Hence the anger.

In summary it was her that broke us up- both times, I was upset for a short time, but then I recovered. I think the reason for the breakup is because neither of us were honest. We both had an agenda, which is not a bad thing by itself. It becomes a bad thing when you try coercing people, and this was her style. She wanted someone malleable. I'd be willing to change my behaviour to a point, if she could make her reasons clear, and if I could see the benefit, then most likely I would. But neither one of us wanted to be used for someone else's agenda. This woman did not make my life easier.

In both cases I did a postmortem on those relationships- what went well, what went poorly, what to say, what not to say,....etc.

One thing I learned is that fear is always behind anger. Knowing this, think about the times in your life where anger was present, and you will rethink the situation. For instance, when your parents got angry with you when you stayed out past curfew, back in the day. Fear is what got them bent out of shape.

*We are always controlling each other. We have all been controlled/trained to stop at a red light. And everybody is happy to be controlled in that way. People stop at red light because they choose to. They know that stopping at a red will make their life easier.

Among other things, I learned that very attractive women see the world differently, because their experience of being in the world is different from the rest of us. They usually get lots of attention (not all of it is wanted, this can make them bitchy, I suppose I would behave the same, having no peace whenever I was out in public. One of my brothers many years ago talked about a gorgeous female friend of his, whom I had met, and it's true, she was gorgeous, centerfold worthy. He said she often dressed down, made herself less attractive, when she left the house). Many are taught they don't have do anything to receive privileges, just show up, and privileges are given to you. This reminds me of a woman who I was a childhood friend with. We went our separate ways when grade school ended, and many years later we met up again. She developed into a very attractive lady (who much later killed herself). We went on a few dates, one date was to the Ex, and at least once we were waved in ahead of the line. In that case the bouncer even said to her face something like "I'm letting you skip the line because you're so attractive." At the time I thought to myself WTF? Actually, I still think that way.

I'm also thinking it can't be easy when women lose their youthful beauty, when just showing up used to get them lots, and now gets them lots of nothin'. They had become accustomed, taught, to expect extra consideration. This is the meaning of the quote from Lauren Bacall who said "Every beautiful woman dies twice."

I have always been polite and give basic respect to others, but for many years now I have also been honest, and direct. I no longer worry about saying no to someone, for the sake of keeping the peace. Because of this many familial relationships have changed for the better, for me. The others in my family whom I had taught could take advantage of me, no longer do. I have learned that people have more respect for a clear, unambiguous no, than for a wishy washy reply- something that means no, but you do not want to say no, and you hope the person you are talking to will just get it by osmosis. I have also learned that people take you much more seriously if you speak calmly (and carry a big stick). Like everything else this takes practice, and the more you do it , the easier it gets. If they can't handle your reply, they can yell and scream, and often they do. I have been yelled and screamed at from people at a much higher station in life. This tells me they have nothing left in their quiver. Also, I have learned there is much less likelihood of a misunderstanding when you make yourself clear. Much less chance of someone saying 'when you said this, I thought you meant that.'

Now if wifey says she would like...
If it's not clear to me I will ask her straight out 'Are you asking me to do this thing?' Sometimes she will say yes, other times she will say no.

Remember, you can disagree without being disagreeable, and kindness does not mean weakness. You can politely say no. Just be honest, and direct. The rest should take care of itself, unless the person you are talking to has an agenda- and they will not accept a no.

At this point in the op-ed column, I would to like to plug an online book from the Toronto Library. The title is "You just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen. It examines the ways men and women express themselves. What is behind the words that are being spoken. I started and finished the book during this lockdown. All you need is a library card, and the internet.

Alright, I'm done.

Who is next....?

Men? Women? Others? I don't discriminate.....

This isn’t a poll. Its a fucking therapy session and excerpts from your diary lol.

 

[canada-man]

found out too late that my ex was a liar and a manipulator. left the country without telling me

 

[Valcazar]

I have BPD. I have never dissociated and I have a strong sense of identity. otherwise this is precisely what it is like

BPD is super rough.

 

[io2471]

High School GF was a year behind me and a different nearby school. We broke when I was up in 11th grade around easter, got back together for short while late summer, and then broke up again. We were still "friends" and hooked up quite frequently untill January of my first year of college (so fully a year and a half after we boke up the second time.) I lost touch with her, but she ended up coming to my same college (a very large state school nearby where we live.) Unlike me, she lived at school (I commuted.)

I had started seeing a girl who also went to our school the summer between my first and second year of school. I had met her as soon as I started school, developed an instant crush as we were in the same school related club but it took until summer for us to get together. Even at that..I felt like I was having a hard time getting past go. But, I was VERY into her (and still "what if" all of the time...despite being happily married for many years...)

Anyway, I would hang out for 10 minutes here or there with my ex gf on campus, as there was a group of mutual friends of ours who gathered in a spot in the main academic building a few days a week. Honestly our vibe to eachother was pretty standoffish.
But then one night I was hanging with some guys playing golden eye in a dorm room, and then crossed paths with the ex on my way out. She told me her roomate was gone for the night if i wanted to 'Hangout'..and I took her up on it. I din't have a girlfriend, and wasn't getting much action (sexually or emotionally) where i had been seeking it, so why not take the easy lay?

Well the girl I had been seeing caught wind. and seemed to take this as an excuse to move apart (even though we were outspokenly non-exclusive, which was her doing.) I know that she probably wasn't that into me in the first place, but being an immature 20 year old at the time, that wasn't how I saw it..and was convinced I threw away my chance at something special over some easy action from a girl who had not treated me well at times in the past.

 

[thirdcup]

A lot of truth to this, maybe not quite to those extremes though. All women desire male guidance, they at heart understand they are petulant children. If a man treats them like an absolute gentleman or white knight, letting them get away with all their crazy shit, all respect for you is lost and you will receive never ending abuse and scatter brained chaos from them. I speak from abundant experience, I was a very slow learner. Every man I now know that is in a total mess of a relationship or marriage treats her like she is some priceless being, repeatedly being fucked over and shit on. I also learned never, ever, be afraid to walk away.

"I also learned never, ever, be afraid to walk away. "

Copy that. This is your ace in the hole.
Don't be afraid to take the loss.
There are no victims, just volunteers. - Paul Elam

 

[ogibowt]

It's Too Late - YouTube
i will be the 1st on this thread to admit im a douche...and this song by Wilson Pickett sums me up

 

[Adamxx]

Needed a better and healthier life for myself.

One of the best decisions I ever made to say let’s end it, and follow through.

 

[whynot888]

My wife claimed that i was an asshole, which i agree, but only if she agreed that she is a bitch.