walk into a bar jokes

[RedRooster]

An oldie but goodie:

An Irishman walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, my brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

 

[bobistheowl]

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy walk into a bar, and order beers.

The Irishman says "This is a fine establishment, but back home in Dublin, there's a pub called Muldoon's. When you buy three beers, you get a fourth one, on the house. It goes on like that all night".

The Italian says "In Milan, there's a place called Guiseppe's. You buy two beers, the third one's free. You buy two more beers, you get one free. It goes on like that all night".

The Polish guy says "Back home in Krakow, there's a place called Zbigniew's. The first beer is on the house. The second, third, fourth, and fifth beers are on the house. Then they take you to a room in the back, and you get laid. It goes on like that all night".

The Irishman says "Have you been there, yourself?". The Polish guy says "No, but my sister goes there every Friday night".

 

[bobistheowl]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and pulls out a cloth bag. He reaches into the bag, and pulls out a toy piano. He reaches into the bag again, and pulls out a man who is one foot tall. The tiny man sits down in front of the piano, and starts to play. The other bar patrons are amazed. One of them says "Wow, where did you get that guy?". The other guy says "I was walking down the beach, and I found a tarnished oil lamp. I rubbed it, and a Genie came out, and told me he would grant one wish". The other guy says "And you wished for that?". The other guy says "Not exactly. I think the Genie was a bit deaf. He thought I wanted to have a twelve-inch pianist".

 

[bobistheowl]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and pulls out a cloth bag. He reaches into the bag, and pulls out a toy piano. He reaches into the bag again, and pulls out a mouse. The mouse goes up to the piano, and starts playing. The man then reaches in the bag again, pulls out a small box, and opens it. A butterfly flies over to the piano, and starts singing. The other patrons are amazed. One of them says "Hey, that's a great act. You should go on Leno with that". The other guy says, "No, Leno won't touch it. Neither will Letterman, Kimmel, Ferguson, Conan, or Jimmy Fallon. I can't even get on Ellen. And you want to know why? The butterfly isn't really singing. The mouse is a ventriloquist".

 

[Varmitt]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says..."give me a beer and a mop"

 

[Wild Wiglin Willie]

A drunk staggers into a bar and starts to drink, an hour later he is out of money but wants to drink some more. So he asks the bartender for credit, but he refuses. So the drunk tell the bartender that he can do an amazing trick with his ass hole. He tells the bartender that his asshole can sing a song. The bartender tells the drunk that if his asshole can sing a song, drinks will be free for the rest of the night. The drunk pulls his pants down and hops up on the bar and squats. This Ahhcch, ahhccch, acchhh, noise comes out of his ass along with a slurry of diarrhea. The angry bartender grabs the drunk and starts to drag him out of the bar. The drunk yells, hey you did not give me a chance. I was just clearing my throat!!!!

 

[red]

these two snowmen go into a bar and order cognac to warm up.

as they sniff their cognac, one snowman turns to the other and says

"does this smell like carrots to you?"

 

[JohnLarue]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and pulls out a cloth bag. He reaches into the bag, and pulls out a toy piano. He reaches into the bag again, and pulls out a man who is one foot tall. The tiny man sits down in front of the piano, and starts to play. The other bar patrons are amazed. One of them says "Wow, where did you get that guy?". The other guy says "I was walking down the beach, and I found a tarnished oil lamp. I rubbed it, and a Genie came out, and told me he would grant one wish". The other guy says "And you wished for that?". The other guy says "Not exactly. I think the Genie was a bit deaf. He thought I wanted to have a twelve-inch pianist".

Similar theme

A guy walks into a bar with a beautiful blonde and a very tiny little guy on his shoulder.
He asks the bartender to pour a round for the house, a glass of wine for the lady and two shots of whiskey , one for him & one for the little fella. He also gives the bartender a $100 tip
Naturally the excitement level in the bar picks up
Once the bartender has poured all the drinks the little guy races down his arm, pounds back his whiskey, runs along the bar kicking over all the drinks and shouting obscenities at all the patrons, stops in front of bartender, calls him a cocksucker, spits on the bar and then races back up the guys shoulder.
The guy apologises and offers to buy another round + a $500 tip
The bartender pours another set of drinks, and the same thing happens, The little guy races down his arm, kicks over the drinks, and insults the bartenders mother, father and the rest of his family.

The bartender says to the guy, "I very much appreciate your generosity, however what's with the little guy on your shoulder?
The guy responds, "well, I caught me a leprechaun a couple of years back and he granted me three wishes
1. All the money I could ever want
2. A beautiful loving hot blonde and
3. A ten inch prick"

 

[mur11]

An egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar
The bartender looks at them and says `Sorry, we don`t serve breakfast`