Twin Sisters (a joke)

[POOP]

There were these twin sisters,just turning one hundred years old,in St.Luke's Nursing Home, and the editor of the Cambridge rag."The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there,and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin sisters.

One of the twins was hard of hearing,and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa, and the deaf one said to her twin"WHAT DID HE SAY?" "He said," "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again,"WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."So,they wiggled up close to each other.

Just hold on a bit longer. I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.Yet again,"WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin,the deaf twin shouted out,"OH MY GOD -BOTH OF US?"

 

[POOP]

SUCCESS IN A MAN'S LIFE.IT'S ALL ONE BIG CIRCLE.

>AT AGE 4...SUCCESS IS...NOT PEEING IN YOUR PANTS
>AT AGE 12...SUCCESS IS...HAVING FRIENDS
>AT AGE 16...SUCCESS IS...HAVING A DRIVERS LICENSE
>AT AGE 20...SUCCESS IS...HAVING SEX
>AT AGE 35...SUCCESS IS...HAVING MONEY
>AT AGE 50...SUCCESS IS...HAVING MONEY
>AT AGE 60...SUCCESS IS...HAVING SEX
>AT AGE 70...SUCCESS IS...HAVING A DRIVERS LICENSE
>AT AGE 75...SUCCESS IS...HAVING FRIENDS.
>AT AGE 80...SUCCESS IS...NOT PEEING IN YOUR PANTS......

 

[Overnight]

A little kid , 6 years old sees two dogs humping in the back garden of his house.

"Dad, what are those two dogs doing?" He inquiries.

His dad fumbles with a lame explanation. "Well, the doggie on the back has hurt his front legs and the other doggie's giving him a lift."

The kid looks for a second and replies: "Typical... Just try to help someone out and see what happens,... you end up getting fucked in the ass."

 

[POOP]

The Truth

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH::

>YES = NO
>NO = YES
>MAYBE =NO
>WE NEED = I WANT
>I'M SORRY = YOU'LL BE SORRY
>WE NEED TO TALK = I NEED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING
>SURE..GO AHEAD = I DON'T WANT YOU TO
>IS MY BUTT FAT = TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL
>DO WHAT YOU WANT = YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS LATER
>I'M NOT UPSET = OF COURSE I'M UPSET
>YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE = JUST AGREE WITH ME
>BE ROMANTIC,TURN OUT THE LIGHTS = I HAVE FLABBY THIGHS
>YOU'RE SO..MANLY = YOU NEED A SHAVE AND YOU SWEAT A LOT
>DO YOU LOVE ME? = I'M GOING TO ASK FOR SOMETHING EXPENSIVE
>IT'S YOUR DECISION = THE CORRECT DECISION SHOULD BE OBVIOUS BY NOW
YOU'RE CERTAINLY ATTENTIVE TONIGHT = IS S..X ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT?
>I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE = KICK OFF YOUR SHOES AND FIND A GOOD GAME ON TV
>HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME? = I DID SOMETHING TODAY THAT YOUR REALLY NOT GOING TO LIKE

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH::::

>I'M HUNGRY = I'M HUNGRY
>I'M SLEEPY = I'M SLEEPY
>I'M TIRED = I'M TIRED
>NICE DRESS = NICE CLEAVAGE
>I LOVE YOU =LET'S HAVE S..X NOW
>I'M BORED = DO YOU WANT TO HAVE S..X NOW?
>WHAT'S WRONG = I GUESS S..X TONIGHT IS OUT OF THE QUESTION?
>I LOVE YOU, TOO = OKAY I SAID IT,WE'D BETTER HAVE S..X NOW!
>MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? = I'D EVENTUALLY LIKE TO HAVE S..X WITH YOU
>CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? = I'D EVENTUALLY LIKE TO HAVE S..X WITH YOU
>DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? = I'D EVENTUALLY LIKE TO HAVE S..X WITH YOU
>CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? = I'D EVENTUALLY LIKE TO HAVE S..X WITH YOU
>WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I WANT TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL FOR YOU TO HAVE S..X WITH OHTER GUYS
>YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE = I WANT TO HAVE S..X WITH YOU IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES
>LET'S TALK = I AM TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU BY SHOWING THAT I AM A DEEP PERSON AND MAYBE THEN YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE S..X WITH ME
>I DON'T THINK THOSE SHOES GO WITH THAT OUTFIT = I AM GAY

 

[sUDS]

My kind of sisters.

 

[sUDS]

Sorry. Guess attachments don't work.

 

[POOP]

At a Seinior Citizen's luncheon an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.The gentleman picked the lady up,and they head to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river,and the gentleman asked the lady,"Do you want to go up or down?"All of a sudden the lady stripped her shirt and pants and made passionate love to the man right there in the boat!!When he finished ,the man couldn't beleive what had just happened,but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.He asked the lady, "Up or Down?"

There she went again,stripped off her clothes,and made wild passionate love to him again.This really impressed the elderly gentleman,so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.She said yes.and here they were the next day,riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the elderly gentleman asked,

"Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled. the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or Down?" She replied "Up".

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked,"What's the deal?"Yesterday,every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down,You made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were FUCK or DROWN".