Trust issues; Advise?
- Thread starter chazz_matzz
- Start date
This begs the question, if you have belonged to terb since 2003 but have only been divorced 2 years, how trustworthy are you? Why did your ex-wife cheat on you? What was going on in the dynamic of the relationship during the time you were married? Great sex, open and honest communication, etc.? Doesn't sound like it if you were here on terb. What was your role in the breakup? These are all legitimate questions. I am sure that all the married men on this board would agree that the person who is going for sex outside the relationship is not solely responsible for the problems that have developed between the couple. I think you need to address these issues, in addition to the issue of trust that you have identified.chazz_matzz said:
While I agree with MLAM that probably you have zero experience with therapists, and would add that even if you do have personal experience or know of someone who does, your statement is just so far out there that it is hardly worthy of comment or rebuttal.squash500 said:Chazz, personally I think most therapists are full of sh--.
On the other hand, talking with the gf is completely on the money and can only build trust and understanding. I don't think we know enough about chazz to know if he needs professional help. But he needs communicate with his gf to start. If he still can't get past the trust issue when in fact she is deserving of his trust, a professional may indeed be able to help him sort it out. Good luck chazz!squash500 said:
mlam said:
Mlam, I've read a lot of your posts and admit that you are very intelligent
. IMHO, I'm just being realistic. If everyone was so trustworthy why would terb even exist?Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Basically the reasons have either to do with sex or money. There is so much temptation in society that extra-marital affairs and going to sps have become a way of life.
IMHO, women who are bored with their life will cheat just as much as men. It is better to be a bit cynical rather than naive when it comes to the trust issue.
Shhh....
...don't tell anybody. I almost have some people convinced that I am an under educated hood rat swiping wireless internet from my government housing apartment near Jane and Finch...
No one said everyone is trustworthy. I sure as hell didn't say that, because I don't believe it.
This is true...but...
...this is not. If you think this place is a reflection of the real world, you need to take a break for awhile...
No evidence to support this, but I get your point, and it is valid...as i said in another post in another thread, research has shown that while women do cheat less than men, they cheat A LOT MORE than most men realize...
Actually, to some degree I agree.
But you again miss the point.
The point is, he WANTS to be able to trust, and she has given him no reason not to.
It isn't that there is a 40% chance she will cheat...it is that he WANTS to believe int he 60%, but finds he cannot.
THAT is the problem he needs to address.
Now...after addressing that, if he feels he has reason (and it does not have to be object, empirical, quantifiable reason...it can just be his "gut") to not trust THIS girl...then perhaps he shouldn't.
But to feel like you cannot trust ANYBODY represents a flaw in your thought processes / social skills.
An emotionally healthy and balanced person knows that they have to be careful with who they trust, but that they HAVE TO TRUST SOMEONE...that the opposite is just not a healthy way to live a life.
The key here...and since you have had lots of therapy, you should know this, is that he WANTS to trust her...but he recognizes he is carrying baggage from a previous relationship. This doesn't make him a bad person, but it does mean he should get some help.
Insofar as your experiences with therapy...I haven't had a lot of it myself (never more than a half dozen sessions or so at a time), but I've had it fairly often compared to most people (about a half dozen times in my life). Yes, there is GOOD therapy and BAD therapy...and I have had both.
Each time it has been bad, I left the experience thinking "that was a waste of time...I / we gained nothing from that" (like my last marriage counselor...fucking idiot)
Each time it has been good however, I've left with a lesson learned and a light bulb moment that went a LONG way towards me better understanding the how and why of the events in my life. It was in therapy that I learned I have ADHD...and from that came to understand a TON of things about myself and my behaviors. It was in that same therapy continuum that I learned about true relationship ethics...that it isn't monogamy that is the baseline requirement, but honesty and openness....and if you are honest and open then what you do after that is above board...and how people deal with it is their business. Now, I have been striving to live my life accordingly, and am able to operate with a fairly clear conscious, while still having lots of fun.
It was a previous therapy / martial counseling session where I learned why i have control issues, so now I can actively work at / on them.
It was in some therapy before that where I came to understand that someone's rejection of me doesn't necessarily mean there is fault with me...and in fact much more often than not there is no issue with me at all. It was then that I learned I that I don't have to feel bad about being rejected...or rejecting someone. You'd be amazed at often you will start getting laid once you truly understand and embrace this....
Your attitude seems to reflect oen that is fairly common - that the therapist is supposed to "fix my problem"..and a failure to do so means that they were "full of shit".
This isn't what therapy does.
What therapy does is help you understand WHY things happen, WHY you behave as you do, WHY you think what you think, WHY you believe what you believe.
Once equipped with this information, what you do with it is on you. You might decide to do nothing...that now that you understand the problem better, it isn't a problem at all. or perhaps it is something that you see as too difficult to overcome (or not being worth the required changes).
But if you do decide change is required...and none takes place...that isn't the therapists fault....you know...horses, water, drinking, etc......
squash500 said:Mlam, I've read a lot of your posts and admit that you are very intelligent
...don't tell anybody. I almost have some people convinced that I am an under educated hood rat swiping wireless internet from my government housing apartment near Jane and Finch...
squash500 said:
No one said everyone is trustworthy. I sure as hell didn't say that, because I don't believe it.
squash500 said:
This is true...but...
squash500 said:
...this is not. If you think this place is a reflection of the real world, you need to take a break for awhile...
squash500 said:
No evidence to support this, but I get your point, and it is valid...as i said in another post in another thread, research has shown that while women do cheat less than men, they cheat A LOT MORE than most men realize...
squash500 said:
Actually, to some degree I agree.
But you again miss the point.
The point is, he WANTS to be able to trust, and she has given him no reason not to.
It isn't that there is a 40% chance she will cheat...it is that he WANTS to believe int he 60%, but finds he cannot.
THAT is the problem he needs to address.
Now...after addressing that, if he feels he has reason (and it does not have to be object, empirical, quantifiable reason...it can just be his "gut") to not trust THIS girl...then perhaps he shouldn't.
But to feel like you cannot trust ANYBODY represents a flaw in your thought processes / social skills.
An emotionally healthy and balanced person knows that they have to be careful with who they trust, but that they HAVE TO TRUST SOMEONE...that the opposite is just not a healthy way to live a life.
The key here...and since you have had lots of therapy, you should know this, is that he WANTS to trust her...but he recognizes he is carrying baggage from a previous relationship. This doesn't make him a bad person, but it does mean he should get some help.
Insofar as your experiences with therapy...I haven't had a lot of it myself (never more than a half dozen sessions or so at a time), but I've had it fairly often compared to most people (about a half dozen times in my life). Yes, there is GOOD therapy and BAD therapy...and I have had both.
Each time it has been bad, I left the experience thinking "that was a waste of time...I / we gained nothing from that" (like my last marriage counselor...fucking idiot)
Each time it has been good however, I've left with a lesson learned and a light bulb moment that went a LONG way towards me better understanding the how and why of the events in my life. It was in therapy that I learned I have ADHD...and from that came to understand a TON of things about myself and my behaviors. It was in that same therapy continuum that I learned about true relationship ethics...that it isn't monogamy that is the baseline requirement, but honesty and openness....and if you are honest and open then what you do after that is above board...and how people deal with it is their business. Now, I have been striving to live my life accordingly, and am able to operate with a fairly clear conscious, while still having lots of fun.
It was a previous therapy / martial counseling session where I learned why i have control issues, so now I can actively work at / on them.
It was in some therapy before that where I came to understand that someone's rejection of me doesn't necessarily mean there is fault with me...and in fact much more often than not there is no issue with me at all. It was then that I learned I that I don't have to feel bad about being rejected...or rejecting someone. You'd be amazed at often you will start getting laid once you truly understand and embrace this....
Your attitude seems to reflect oen that is fairly common - that the therapist is supposed to "fix my problem"..and a failure to do so means that they were "full of shit".
This isn't what therapy does.
What therapy does is help you understand WHY things happen, WHY you behave as you do, WHY you think what you think, WHY you believe what you believe.
Once equipped with this information, what you do with it is on you. You might decide to do nothing...that now that you understand the problem better, it isn't a problem at all. or perhaps it is something that you see as too difficult to overcome (or not being worth the required changes).
But if you do decide change is required...and none takes place...that isn't the therapists fault....you know...horses, water, drinking, etc......
Last edited:
May have already been said...but basically anyone on this list who is in a committed relationship already has a "trust issue". If you are doing something to betray someone else's trust you certainly will have a hard time trusting them. On the other hand...if you are "trustworthy" you will have less trouble giving trust to others.
Time I did something about this myself I'm thinking. Oh...I too have all the excuses for being here...don't get enough, need variety, trouble with the relationship...etc. etc. But not sure those add up to a good enough reason. I tell myself that I don't really have sex outside marriage, which might be technically true...but I guess I also know that it might be hard to convince your average spouse that a hand job from a naked hottie was nothing to do with sex...
Time I did something about this myself I'm thinking. Oh...I too have all the excuses for being here...don't get enough, need variety, trouble with the relationship...etc. etc. But not sure those add up to a good enough reason. I tell myself that I don't really have sex outside marriage, which might be technically true...but I guess I also know that it might be hard to convince your average spouse that a hand job from a naked hottie was nothing to do with sex...
squash500 said:
Don't waste your money on therapists. You are not crazy. Do spend a few bucks on a good lawyer and get a pre-nup. (Once she moves in, she acquires certain legal rights similiar to marriage.)
Excellent advice
Sometimes the simple solution is best.....if you decide to take the sneaky way and spy on her,,,,and she finds out, which she will eventually, then you have betrayed her trust and she will have a difficult time trusting you again,,,ever.
Sometimes the simple solution is best.....if you decide to take the sneaky way and spy on her,,,,and she finds out, which she will eventually, then you have betrayed her trust and she will have a difficult time trusting you again,,,ever.
squash500 said:Chazz, personally I think most therapists are full of sh--
IMHO, I would simply tell your gf that my ex wife cheated on me and I am afraid you are going to do the same as I don't trust anyone at the moment.
Rather than get a professional involved just tell your gf the truth. I'm sure she will respect you for your honesty. Good luck with everything!
Similar threads
- Poll
