Trust issues; Advise?

[chazz_matzz]

Good afternoon everyone!

I was curious to get some aome outside opinions on my current situation.

Back ground; Divorced about 2 years ago, due to my ex cheating

I have been dating the same girl for the past 10 months. I have not hobbied at all durring this time.

Recently we have been discussing moving in together.

I think it would be great as we could spend more time together.

Due to being cheated on in the past I have a hard time trusting anyone.

My current girlfriend has never given me any reason not to trust her.

My question to everyone is if I should do a little spying just to make sure that everything is on the level behind the scenes (facebook, msn chat, email ect)

My ex wife cheated on me for 3 months before I even became suspicious (we where living together and I had no idea). I just dont want to have to go thru that again!

 

[Hangman]

You're screwed. Basically you do not trust her. Pure and simple.

Say you go through her emails etc. If you find no evidence of cheating and no indication of anything wrong, will that satisfy you? Or will you use that as justification to snoop more, on the assumption there's something to find? What if there's a dude on her facebook you don't recognize? Will that be "Evidence" of cheating? How would you even ask her? "Say, who's this guy who emails you to your personal account that I don't have the right to read?"

Plus, you'll have violated her trust going through her email, so now there's a poor foundation for the new relationship to grow on, right?

 

[Gentle Ben]

I agree with above poster, if you don't trust her this early on, you're on a path to relationship destruction, perhaps its a bit too early for you to be in a serious relationship, the wounds from your previous relationship might not be healed yet, that can take a long time.

 

[chazz_matzz]

trust

You're screwed. Basically you do not trust her. Pure and simple.

Say you go through her emails etc. If you find no evidence of cheating and no indication of anything wrong, will that satisfy you? Or will you use that as justification to snoop more, on the assumption there's something to find? What if there's a dude on her facebook you don't recognize? Will that be "Evidence" of cheating? How would you even ask her? "Say, who's this guy who emails you to your personal account that I don't have the right to read?"

Plus, you'll have violated her trust going through her email, so now there's a poor foundation for the new relationship to grow on, right?

I agree with everything you said above;


I think the biggest problem is I dont trust anyone. Based on life experiences I have become very cynical about other people.

 

[chazz_matzz]

I agree with above poster, if you don't trust her this early on, you're on a path to relationship destruction, perhaps its a bit too early for you to be in a serious relationship, the wounds from your previous relationship might not be healed yet, that can take a long time.

I guess I need to work on trusting people in general!

 

[Mao Tse Tongue]

But you're on a hobby board saying that. Priceless.

 

[Hangman]

Now, don't use this as an excuse to unilaterally end things.

Just tell her you're not readyto take the next step yet. If she leaves, there's nothing you could have done about it. But if she stays, and you carry on with a nice, rewarding, none-too-deep relationship.

Maybe that will help your trust issues?

 

[Hangman]

But you're on a hobby board saying that. Priceless.

Hey Chairman - the guy can get some unvarnished truthy advice here, no?

 

[CapitalGuy]

Your life would be greatly improved through consultation with a professional (ie. a shrink a shrink or a legitimate relationship counsellor). Go alone; don't involve your gf at first - the doc will advise you on when or even if to bring her into it. It's your issue, not hers, so its not couples counselling, its helping you get over your lack of trust. Tell the doc you have trust issues and spend a couple grand talking it out. It may well allow you to trust again. If you don't your suspicion will simply fester forever, and you'll never be happy. Good luck.

 

[Kyra.Graves]

Your life would be greatly improved through consultation with a professional (ie. a shrink a shrink or a legitimate relationship counsellor). Go alone; don't involve your gf at first - the doc will advise you on when or even if to bring her into it. It's your issue, not hers, so its not couples counselling, its helping you get over your lack of trust. Tell the doc you have trust issues and spend a couple grand talking it out. It may well allow you to trust again. If you don't your suspicion will simply fester forever, and you'll never be happy. Good luck.

I agree but would add that you should tell her you would like to do this. If your lack of trust is starting to interfere with the relationship or you feel you should hold off on moving in together involving her in the decision to seek professional help will go a long way towards easing any tension. It means a lot when a partner is willing to seek help in order to improve a relationship and acknowledging it's something you need to deal with will most likely buy you some much needed time to sort things out.
I know if someone I was dating said 'I am planning on seeing a psychologist about xyz (past issues) because I want to give us the best chance I can at our future' I would be supportive and grateful. I would also be a little more understanding when trust issues arise as I know that they are addressing the issue, which shows me it's a relationship that is worth working for.

We all have baggage from our past, that's what makes us the individuals we are today. The difference is those that are willing to work through the negative experiences and carry the positive ones forward will succeed in their efforts.

 

[Danolo]

I guess I need to work on trusting people in general!

And IMHO, the only way you'll ever get to the point of trusting the new Mrs. CM is to forgive the old one.

 

[AJstar]

I agree with everything you said above;


I think the biggest problem is I dont trust anyone. Based on life experiences I have become very cynical about other people.

And your'e asking advice on this forum about trust and honesty . Listen fella, most people on this board have such screwed up lives,we are the last people on earth you should take advice from.

 

[squash500]

Back ground; Divorced about 2 years ago, due to my ex cheating.

Chazz, personally I think most therapists are full of sh-- .

IMHO, I would simply tell your gf that my ex wife cheated on me and I am afraid you are going to do the same as I don't trust anyone at the moment.

Rather than get a professional involved just tell your gf the truth. I'm sure she will respect you for your honesty. Good luck with everything!

 

[A.J. Raven]

Trusting someone is a decision, not a feeling. Why do so many people think it is a feeling? My grandparents were married well over 50 years and my Grandma told me about a troubled time in their marriage. she used to talk to me about relationships and answer my questions, and there was a lot of wisdom there. The above statement is one of those little bits. As people we will always have times when we feel insecure, jealous, occasionally suspicious etc... but choosing to believe someone based on their character and behavior patterns over time, in the absence of "proof", is what trust is. Trust is believing in the person you love despite never KNOWING for sure.

A broken heart sucks, and could happen. Is sharing your life with someone worth that risk to you?

 

[squash500]

You can never fully trust anyone. Unless you hire a private investigator to be on-call 24 hrs a day you will never know for sure if you are being cheated on. This applies to both men and women.

IMHO, it is the people who you never think in a million years are cheating who are the actual ones who are probably doing it .

 

[alexmst]

Chazz, personally I think most therapists are full of sh-- .

IMHO, I would simply tell your gf that my ex wife cheated on me and I am afraid you are going to do the same as I don't trust anyone at the moment.

Rather than get a professional involved just tell your gf the truth. I'm sure she will respect you for your honesty. Good luck with everything!

I agree. Avoid therapists. Be honest - tell her that your ex cheated on you and you have a hard time trusting people in general now, but you want to. She will repsect your honesty and you'll be closer for it. Spying creates divisions, talking brings people closer together. Just because your last g/f cheated doesn't necessarily mean your new g/f will. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

[RTRD]

So....

I agree. Avoid therapists. Be honest - tell her that your ex cheated on you and you have a hard time trusting people in general now, but you want to. She will repsect your honesty and you'll be closer for it. Spying creates divisions, talking brings people closer together. Just because your last g/f cheated doesn't necessarily mean your new g/f will. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

...if he doesn't see a therapist to deal with the issues...how is he "going to" learn to trust....since "wanting to" clearly isn't enough.

Would I be correct to assume you have never seen a therapist?

 

[RTRD]

And so...

Chazz, personally I think most therapists are full of sh-- .

IMHO, I would simply tell your gf that my ex wife cheated on me and I am afraid you are going to do the same as I don't trust anyone at the moment.

Rather than get a professional involved just tell your gf the truth. I'm sure she will respect you for your honesty. Good luck with everything!

...what changes?

He tells her he doesn't trust her.

She MIGHT be good with that...she might not be. But I do agree he should tell her.

But...unless she's an idiot (and she might be...) her obvious question is going to be "what can we do about that"?

Then what? If she is young and stupid, she might try to assume the burden of "helping him learn to trust her". There is no such thing - if she hasn't done anything to warrant him not trusting her, she can't do anything to "earn" his trust. Sure...he can give her lots of hoops to jump through...which, when completed, will more than likely accomplish nothing other than pissing her off for having to jump through them.

HE has the issue...it is legitimate, no question, but it is HIS issue. HE needs to deal with it.

What about you - any time with a therapist?

 

[RTRD]

You...

You can never fully trust anyone. Unless you hire a private investigator to be on-call 24 hrs a day you will never know for sure if you are being cheated on. This applies to both men and women.

IMHO, it is the people who you never think in a million years are cheating who are the actual ones who are probably doing it .

...miss the point. Entirely. Though your comment does reveal more than a bit about you - hopefully the OP will see the taint and bias in the counsel you have provided.

It isn't about whether or not you CAN (in the literal sense) "fully trust anyone" - as in ever know that a person will NEVER do anything to violate your trust. You obviously can't.

What it is about is learning to behave as a normal, rational, well adjusted human being, and accordingly understand that human relationship REQUIRE some degree of trust.

Or - to more accurately describe it - you have to learn to take the risk. If you are looking for absolutes, you will be lost.

Think about it - he trusts her now....you don't' think he'd be hurt if he found out she was fucking around? Understand - I am not suggesting he should absolutely positively have her move in. What I am pointing out is that her moving in has nothing to do with whether or not she is trust worthy - she either is, or is not. If she is going to cheat...she will do it. It isn't dependent on whether or not they share the same address

(if anything, she will be LESS likely to cheat when they share the same address because there will be less opportunity, and she more than likely will feel like the relationship is giving her what she wants, versus deciding it isn't going anywhere and starting her emotional exit).

The point is this: It isn't about proving to yourself that someone will not cheat, because as you stated - you can't. You can use wisdom, judgment and discernment to try to select a partner less likely to cheat

(this is why your comment about "the ones you never would think probably are" reveals the depth of you cynicism...you are essentially saying that humans as a species are not worthy of trust, as the persons who provide evidence and clues that they ARE trust worthy are even more suspect to you than those who seem UN-trustworthy. Given this line of reasoning, you might reconsider your stance on the value of a therapist. Soon. )

It is about understanding that reasonable, rational, mature judgment with clear minded discernment based TRUST is a baseline requirement for a happy and fulfilled normal human existence. Understanding that accepting this risk is a part of price you pay for a happy life - you have to trust people, if you want people to be in your life, and you want to have full and complete relationships with them.

It doesn't mean no one will ever hurt you...we have all been hurt.

It means understanding that you can't be truly happy without accepting the risk - and accordingly deciding if the risk is worth the reward (this is where those judgment and discernment skills come in).

I am not suggesting that you have to trust everybody.

I am suggesting that a life where you don't trust anybody is going to be pretty fucking miserable.

 

[rama putri]

My question to everyone is if I should do a little spying just to make sure that everything is on the level behind the scenes (facebook, msn chat, email ect)

I'd go further. Hire a detective to have her secretly followed and videotaped. Get a guy friend to make a pass at her and report back. Bring up the subject of having her take a polygraph before she moves in. Call her cell phone at multiple random times of the day to check up on her. Report back here on the results. Should be fun.