Too Hard To Handle

[xarir]

Proceed with caution

I'm having trouble finding the right words. I've started and deleted 4 separate replies to this thread. You see, I understand because I've experienced the same thing.

You say that your friend occasionally sees you with no money changing hands. I agree that this is a very positive sign. But there are times she still takes your money. Why?

She's working towards her long-term goals and needs another year in the biz to save up enough money. That's great! It shows she's determined and has a good head on her shoulders. And it's a short period of time when you really think about it. So if it's only a year (or less) would she be comfortable seeing you as a real person instead of as a client for that year?Is she willing to sacrifice money for relationship?

On the flip side, she'll only be in the biz for a short while right? Why can't you wait? By the same token, one more year equals a fair chunk of cash that an SP can save up. Why aren't you willing to get a bank loan and get her out the biz right now this very second?

I'm sorry for being so blunt Mikey. But remember, I know what you're going through. Be logical instead of emotional. If your logic-based ponderings lead to another TERB marriage, I'll raise a glass of champagne to you both. If not, well ... reality is harsh.

 

[gala]

Rules to live by

#1- Stop paying for it with her.

You can't pay to be in a relationship. The odds are your "relationship" won't survive once you cut off the cash, which is a good outcome for you if that's the case. The rest of the rules are for if there's something real there and you survive this first rule.

#2- You can't ask her to quit.

You can't in any way suggest that you would be happier if she quit. She'll regret it later if she quits "for you" and that will end up wrecking the relationship--she might even go back. She will even probe you and hint that she would give it up for you--that's a test, don't fail it: Tell her she doens't have to quit for you.

#3- You have to accept her the way she is.

If you can't stand what she does today, if you can't stand reading the reviews, then you don't accept her. You won't be able to stand remembering it later. Every time a guy gives her a sideways look or a smile you'll get pissed off. You might hide it, you might let it fester inside you, but eventually it'll destroy the relationship.

#4- You don't trust her and she doesn't trust you.

And you need to fix that, but that's the name of the game here: You both mistrust each others motives. You're both afraid of getting hurt. If you've survived rules 1-3 then you have a hard job--you have to put all your energy into fixing this trust issue.

If you can survive rules 1-4 then you get to have all the same problems that normal relationships have--but yes as you have seen here it can and has worked for people. It can work for you too--but the deck is stacked against you, and you have to be a pretty open minded kind of guy (even if she quits). Honestly--most aren't.

But maybe you are--you need to do some serious soul searching, or walk away.

 

[Sasha Jones]

Coming from the other side of the fence......

gala said it bang on, I can't even add anything to it.
If you take anyone's advice in this whole thread, take his, right down to the very letter.

 

[mikeymax]

Upon arising this morning, I was able to see several more posts and want to thank all that have taken the time to to do so. They were all sincere and worthwhile.

All I can say is that for the time being I will continue to see my lady but I know I would be crazy to do so indefinitely under these current situations. To paraphrase Sheik, I will be of 2 minds. The first, will be to live out the current fantasy of a girlfriend while I am with her so as to be able to deliver my best toward developing a true relationship and see if I can cultivate some bonds that she may feel that she cannot do without in her life. I can only do this if I am focussed on that task.

However, when we are apart I will have to use my analytical mind to see what's actually happening and to see how happy/unhappy I am with the situation. This will be a decision that will have to evolve over time as it's too confusing right now to make a snap decision. I have made important and difficult decisions in the past this way, letting them form more concretely in my mind till things are more clear. At least now I have the extra input that I have received here to help me along.

All you guys (that includes Sasha and any other ladies that contributed) have impressed me with both the sagacity and sincerity of your advice. It's comforting to know that there are so many out there willing to take the time to help others in their plights. I should not be surprised, though, as it has been on display many times before here on TERB and is one of the great values of this community. Thanks again.

p.s. I'd written a better response, but messages using my new handle have gotten lost several times as did this one. Very frustrating.

 

[zoickss]

My 2 cents. If you are paying there is still a line drawn - you are still a customer. If and when you stop paying - and you are going out socially on dates and meeting each others friends, then you are crossing the line. All I can say is procede with caution. Some ladies will take advantage of a situation - others won't - as none of us have a clue as to who the lady in question is we can't input on this. I can understand how seeing reviews of this lady bother you - but if you can't handle it - then force yourself not to read them. I have established friendships with different ladies in the business - but I always keep it in perspective I am a Client - maybe one that is a friend, but nontheless still a client - I have no right to be upset about details posted about who I see (unless they have been slammed unfairly) My case is different though, I am married so I depend on this line. If it starts to disappear then it is time to see some else before things get out of hand (for me mentally).
Enough of my random thoughts.

 

[chain reaction]

People who get attached to those who work in the adult entertainment industry are too much. If a SP wants a partner, she/he is probably going to seek one who does not partake in the 'hobby'. Your car mechanic, barber, real estate agent, lawyer...is no doubt very kind and friendly to you. Doesn't mean he wants to be your drinking buddy and go fishing with you, he more than likely has no desire to see you outside of a business context. He might think you're a nice person, and like you as a client, either way, he wants your continued business and little else. Why should it be any different for adult entertainers?

 

[duMaurierguy]

This is a question that comes up periodically here on TERB, weather to have or try to have a realtionship with a SP. From my own experience, I have met some outstanding ladies. Some I have chatted on the phone with when they would call to say hi. Have gone to the movies/dinner alla 'gratis' just for the company. It was just that though. I wouldn't allow myself to take it any further. Not because they were SP's but the whole thing just adds more burden-to both parties-to have a real chance to make a go of it. Yes, there are exceptions. Those are very rare indeed.

The ones that tend to fall into this 'trap' tend to not have an active social life. There is no outlet(or not enough) for friends, family or, activites. Thus, the limited options are who they would spend their time with.

The remedy, limit your time with the lady in question. Make a point to spend time with other ladies. The goal: WANT TO GET OVER SOMEONE, GET UNDER SOMEONE. Join a gym, club, take up a new hobby. A well-rounded person is always a happier one. Afterall, isn't that what's it all about?

 

[gala]

People who get attached to those who work in the adult entertainment industry are too much. If a SP wants a partner, she/he is probably going to seek one who does not partake in the 'hobby'.

Well you never know what will happen. But yeah, it's pretty tough. And yeah, an SP might not want an ex-customer to be her future husband: will he really quit after she does? A tough question because most people don't really change their ways.

Some SP's are actually pretty lonely. They want someone special in their life but they either haven't met the really open minded guy yet, or they figure that part of their life is on hold until after they quit the biz. Meanwhile all the sex and all the people they meet don't really add up to the same thing as someone you really know and trust.

But it does happen: there are some pretty open minded guys out there, or maybe people just have a kind of cool dating relationship for a few months or years while they wait for the SP to get through that part of her life; or maybe they met around the same time she was going to quit anyway and the guy doesn't have a problem with the past and somehow she manages to trust him too--or she's open minded--or whatever.

Anyway people are all different and if two people really click they ought to at least have a chance to find out where it could go. It's pretty unlikely and pretty tough, but if it has some chance to work out, why not try?

This case doesn't sound good though--if she really cared about him she would have cut the money off already. You don't charge someone to spend time with you if you really care about them. So I'm not hopeful here either.

 

[Don]

A lot of great advice from everyone so I'll keep mine short. The first thing that you must find out is if she will hang out with you on her spare time with no money exchanged. Try it. And if she turns you down and turns down subsequent offers to hang out then that's it... GAME OVER.

 

[mikeymax]

In response to your questions.

She has said that she will maintain a relationship with me (unsure as to what kind exactly, although friend would be sufficient for me as I enjoy her company a great deal even without sex being involved and I believe she enjoys mine as well) once she has finished SPing, which she says will be 6-9 months.

She no longer has a boyfriend as of a few months ago and is not prepared to jump right into another relationship.

It is impossible for me to describe things that have gone on between us in terms of things said and actions having occurred that could make you all understand why I trust what she says and that her responses to me are sincere. If I tried, I'm sure it would be very easy to cut holes into my account of the events, so there's no sense trying. I can only go by what I have perceived and rely on my judgement and hope I'm correct. If not, well, I've been through worse and I know I will survive whatever happens here. I'm a big boy.

That is why my original post dealt mainly with the fact that it was the reviews that bothered me because she was being objectified and used as a tool for others gratification without regard to her as a person. I was not overly concerned with what was going to happen in the long term. I'm enjoying everything else about being with her and do not begrudge the money she is making.

After having said all that, I'm not that blind so as not to realise that as long as money is being exchanged there is always going to be that nagging doubt as to her sincerity. However I'm prepared to accept that for the sake of enjoying her (as a person) now and whatever happens, so be it. I'll deal with it then.

 

[zog]

Oops!

In response to your questions.

I'm thinking that there's more to come...

Zog.

 

[mikeymax]

Re: Oops!

I'm thinking that there's more to come...

Zog.

You were too fast zog. I'd said some of my long posts weren't getting through and then I had to retype them which is tough, 'cause you can never get the same message across.

So what I did, was just start a short part, post it to see if it went through and then edit it into my full response once I saw it wouldn't be shuttled off into cyberspace. You obviously got in while I was editing.

Sorry about that.