Too Hard To Handle

[mikeymax]

I imagine others have been weak enough to leave themselves in the same situation that I'm in and this situation is making it very hard for me to look at, let alone be active on the board and I'm asking for input as to how to deal with this.

One of the cardinal rules of hobbying is to not let yourself become emotionally involved as it will usually lead to no good. Well, I blew that one. I wouldn't say that I'm actually in love, but in the last while I find my feelings are becoming much stronger towards a particular SP. Reading reviews previously was not a problem, but now that I view her in a different light, reading those same reviews has become a painful experience. As such, where previously I'd be on this board at every opportunity, I now view the board in the same light as I did while watching The Exorcist for the first time; it's that feeling of impending dread, not knowing what gruesome sight you're going to find in Linda Blair's room, as you approach her door. You really don't want that door to open.

I have been on my own for some time now and being adept at being reclusive and distant from others has helped me get along with my life quite well. Keeping busy in the hobby has obviously taken care of certain physical needs, but the need of having someone to share my life with seems to be catching up with me and has made me more vulnerable to this predicament at this time. I never did like all the bullshit that goes along with the traditional dating scence and found hobbying a very convenient way to have physically satisfying relationships with young attractive girls that I would otherwise not have the opportunity of meeting.

I view TERB as a community of many friends and sincerely enjoy the intelligent (for the most part) commentary and banter that goes on here. I've met a large number (over 50) of ladies here who have definitely left me with a smile on my face many times over and who I truly appreciated on a personal level and as human beings and as such, (flame me if you like) I have reviewed very few of these ladies. I have tried to give a heads up to others in regards to the ones that should, IMHO, be avoided.

The simple solution is just to stay off, but I feel I'd be missing the interactions, the banter and the really good info (not just about the ladies) and well-written, intelligent posts that I find here. I'd rather not give that up.

So I guess my question is how, if possible, do I change my mindset to allow me to continue enjoying the activities here without having the knife twisted in my gut each time I read some explicit reviews about someone that I respect and care for? Maybe it's not possible to reconcile these issues. As I said, if someone else has had a similar situation, and I imagine it has happened, and they've resolved it, I'd like to hear how.

p.s. The feelings are not totally one-sided, although definitely skewed to my side, as she has allowed me into her personal life by confiding certain very personal information to me that she assures me and I believe her, she does not otherwise do. In effect, she has allowed me to be a part of her private life too; it's not all business all the time.

p.p.s. I decided to post this under another handle more for her discretion than for mine. I've posted over 300 times and probably have a certain persona that would make it easier for others to understand me and help me out, if they are so inclined, but I'd rather take the course of protecting her identity. I know there are some very good sleuths here, which makes me nervous, but I really, really would like to remain anonymous here. Please respect this wish and don't out me.

I suspect some will jump all over me and criticize me for not maintaining a more professional approach to this and being a wimp-ass, but I guess it's just my nature that allowed this to happen and I accept myself for being that way, so I'll probably blow off any criticisms that are not constructive. Sincere efforts to help with this dilemma will be greatly appreciated.

Yours Truly,

...ooops

 

[drlove]

While I understand how you have come to feel the way you do, I think the question you have to ask yourself is, who is it that you're developing feelings for?? The person, or the "SP"??

IMO, this type of scenerio is very much akin to that of the first few weeks/months of a bonafide relationship. That is, at first the two of you would actively project the most favorable image of yourselves to the other person, thus leading to the impression that the other person is "all that". It's only after months of dating that these ideals begin to break down as more and more of the person's "real" personality begin to show through. I.e. In a real relationship, you've probably felt differently toward the lady after your first few arguments.

Similarly, SP's will cater to your ideal fantasy as this is part of their JOB. That is why IMO it is so important to maintain the distinction between business and personal as a hobbyist. Your frame of reference is limited to that persona which is evidenced within the confines of a session, however long that may be. Regardless of what kind of day she has had, or how she may be feeling, she will make an effort to make you feel special. My guess is, were you to spend time with her outside of her escort role, you may find discrepancies in her personality/demeanour.

This is not to say that a friendship of some sort cannot develop betwen the two of you, if you've been seeing her regularly and you feel comortable with one another.
However, the chances of her reciprocating your feelings is slim. My advice is to accept it for what it is, an enjoyable escape from the mundane. To attempt to imbue the "relationship" with qualities that are not present will serve only to cause you undue hardship which will in the long run become detrimental to your overall health and well being.

If it makes you feel any better, discuss your feelings with the lady in question and ask her to give you her honest opinion.

Hope this helps.

 

[mikeymax]

We have done numerous things outside the hobby and believe me, I do see some of the warts of which there are several. Who's perfect anyways? That is one reason why I say I'm not in love and I appreciate having the opportunity to see more of the real person.

Right now, I am very confused as to what type of relationship I would like. At times I feel it would just be very cool to have a friend like her to hang with, as we've done, but sometimes I feel the relationship could provide more. As well, I have discussed these things with her and she knows of my confusion. I guess she likes me enough that this hasn't scared her away, as I know it would with other ladies.

But back to my original question, how do you deal with reading explicit reviews when it's someone you really care for? I'm not that stupid to not realize she does the same with other guys as she does with me, but it's harder to keep it in the back of your mind when it's shoved right in front of your face. It's a lousy feeling. At least it is for me.

Thanks Doc.

 

[drlove]

But back to my original question, how do you deal with reading explicit reviews when it's someone you really care for? I'm not that stupid to not realize she does the same with other guys as she does with me, but it's harder to keep it in the back of your mind when it's shoved right in front of your face. It's a lousy feeling. At least it is for me.

Thanks Doc.

If it makes you that uncomfortable to read her reviews, skip over them and read the other threads. That way, you can still participate and you won't have to give up TERB entirely.

 

[Big Daddy]

I enjoyed reading the first four threads of Dr. Love and Mickey..

I think Dr. Love is totally right in his analysis. The only thing I have found is that time heals. Don't try to run away from your problems, embrace them and talk to people on the terb, over time your problems will away. After all you are a man, with time you will feel the urge for variety

 

[Jacques_Offe]

do not cofuse

Infatuation does not equal love. Do not confuse the two!

 

[Big Bear]

Reading about her

I have gone through a similar situation as you have and know what you're feeling. It is all well and good to say "Don't read about her" but it is like being told there is an accident up ahead but don't slow down to look. You just can't help it.

My advice to you is to take a hard look at the relationship and decide honestly if it is something you want to pursue to its logical conclusion. Clearly there are others on this board who have gotten together and in fact are apparently getting married as a result of meeting under circumstances similar to yours. However there are also probably a lot of others who when they sat down and took a hard look at the situation decided they could not handle the environment (for want of a better word) associated with dating/mating a person working as an escort and either stopped seeing the person on a personal basis or all together.

In my case I decided that I didn't want all the baggage and stopped seeing the person, both personally and as an escort but you have to make that decision for yourself. I found I could not go in half measures in this type of relationship, it was all or nothing and I chose nothing.

 

[mikeymax]

If it makes you that uncomfortable to read her reviews, skip over them and read the other threads. That way, you can still participate and you won't have to give up TERB entirely.

It sounds simple enough, but sometimes the name will come up on other threads asking for recommendations or who's the best at this etc. so it's not always so easy to avoid. That has been what I've been trying but you have to surf very, very carefully. It's like walking on eggshells. It's also taken away my enthusiasm for posting anything at all. I feel like I shouldn't be participating if such a basic function of the board bothers me so much.

As to Big Daddy, your statement about seeking variety is no doubt true. However, it still will be hard to see her described as an object (another thread) or piece of meat when I hold her in much higher regard, as I know a lot about her as a person and I respect her for herself and understand where she's come from to be where she is and where she wants to go. I was never big on explicit reviews to begin with, but I'm even more against them now that there's a personal factor involved.

Again, there will be some who bash me because I should only think of her as a whore and I'm a bleeding heart and all here should be entitled to all the gory details, because after all, this is a review board. You can figure out in advance what my response to those will be so save it. I'm in Sheik's corner when it comes to reviewing style.

 

[mikeymax]

Well put Big Bear. And I conclude that you are also a BIG MAN to make and carry on through with those decisions.

 

[zog]

It's not easy....

I was never big on explicit reviews to begin with, but I'm even more against them now that there's a personal factor involved.

Hi Mikeymax.

This is a perfectly valid point-of-view which I understand very well. I was involved with a woman in the past who worked part-time as an Indie SP. This was before my time on TERB so I didn't have the experience of reading reviews of her (as you do) but I nevertheless knew what she did and and it was on my mind a lot of the time.

Some people can be cool with their SO having professional sexual relations with her clients and some people cannot. For me, I was fine with it until the relationship neared a certain level of intensity and seriousness. Then I came to realise that I could not be confortable taking the relatioship forward as long as she continued to work as an SP.

In the end (in my situation), the circumstances that motivated her to keep working outweighed her feelings for our relationship. Neither of us was happy to break it off, but this is what needed to happen. It was a difficult breakup for both of us, but in the end, it was preferable to trying to exist in a situation that was not realistic for the relationship.

It sounds like, in your case, there is a real emotional bond between you but these feelings are not powerful enough to motivate her to stop working or to convince you to accept her career in a relationship with you.

Any serious relationship is always hard-work and, depending on our feelings, we are usually willing to make significant sacrifices for our partners. But, like everything else, there are usually limits to what changes we will accept in our lives. As many have stated well on TERB in the past, working as a good SP is not an easy job and not a career move that is entered into lightly. It is not hard to imagine that the reasons that motivated your friend into the business are too complex and integral to her life to allow her to make a complete change at this time.

I don't want to hurt your feelings (any more than you are already hurting) but it seems that her feelings for you are not strong enough to overwhelm the reasons and motivations she has for continuing to work. Since you are obviously not able to accept her as a working SP and you girlfriend at the same time (many of us are in the same boat as you) your only option is to move on emotionally before you get hurt even more.

Sorry for your loss,

Zog.

 

[Malibook]

As long as I am handing over my cash, it is very easy for me to keep things in perspective.

If the cash flow stops, or is even significantly reduced, and she starts buying me presents, that is when I become extremely vulnerable.

Unless I am prepared to ultimately take her away from the biz, I must maintain a virtual wall which prevents me from becoming too close.

Reading reviews will always be uncomfortable, but you must maintain a grip on the reality of the situation, and consider the big picture.

Good luck.

 

[hasablah]

Breathe

Mikey, I don't think that I can really add much to the advice given by other terbites but here is a really simple thing to do that will help: breathe.

When people get tied up in their emotions they often forget to breathe. Consciously stopping and taking several deep breathes (in through the nose out through the mouth) allows you calm yourself and not feel as much stress. Then you can begin to examine your emotions.

Good luck,
Keep breathing

 

[Pyro]

Good advice Hasablah.

It's always difficult when you realise that the person you like does not have the same intensity of feeling for you. The SP component in this case makes it more intense because you will periodically see on-line reminders of your sadness; but it's not that much different from any other unrequited attraction...we've all been there. Keep breathing (as suggested) and you'll get through it.

Pyro the (sympathetic) Pig.

 

[widowmaker]

HMMMMMMMMMMM

I think many people here have given you good advice. I was in a similar situation a few years ago before there was a TERB. In my case I was best friends with someone who was a part time higher end escort. We started to take that friendship to the next level and things got out of hand. First, I had never paid to be with her so I did not have that to deal with and because she had a select clientele she was not working every day. However for over two years we tried to make this work and it could not for various reasons. Read my signature it is about my experiences with her(not actually battling monsters), the point is, your emotions can get the the better of you and you will do and say things you will later regret. My story has a happy ending in a way. While we never could make it as a couple we did have many good times together and in the end we fought hard to save the friendship wich we maintain to this day. Actually we are having lunch tommorrow. I don't know if this helps but I do empathize.

 

[zog]

Good ending.

Actually we are having lunch tommorrow. I don't know if this helps but I do empathize.

You're lucky Widowmaker. My own experience did not end as well. Like you I didn't meet my friend through her work but, when the relationship reached that critical phase, we were unable to save the friendship. We parted on friendly terms, but the emotions and history were too strong to make either of us comfortable together.

It's frustrating to find a woman that is so well suited to your own personality and then lose her because of bad timing.

Zog.

 

[widowmaker]

Sorry to hear that Zog. What I did not say and should have is that it took almost two more years and alot of work on her part to save the friendship. We probably were meant to be together but like you say timing is an issue. Today I have more to lose then my own feelings so a friendship(platonic) is best for us both. And strangely enough we get along better over the last few years even as friends then we ever did before, but maybe that is because we are older and slightly more wise.

 

[mikeymax]

Re: It's not easy....

Hi Mikeymax.

It sounds like, in your case, there is a real emotional bond between you but these feelings are not powerful enough to motivate her to stop working or to convince you to accept her career in a relationship with you.

Any serious relationship is always hard-work and, depending on our feelings, we are usually willing to make significant sacrifices for our partners. But, like everything else, there are usually limits to what changes we will accept in our lives. As many have stated well on TERB in the past, working as a good SP is not an easy job and not a career move that is entered into lightly. It is not hard to imagine that the reasons that motivated your friend into the business are too complex and integral to her life to allow her to make a complete change at this time.

I don't want to hurt your feelings (any more than you are already hurting) but it seems that her feelings for you are not strong enough to overwhelm the reasons and motivations she has for continuing to work. Since you are obviously not able to accept her as a working SP and you girlfriend at the same time (many of us are in the same boat as you) your only option is to move on emotionally before you get hurt even more.

Sorry for your loss,

Zog.

I feel that I'm open-minded enough to accept her past and could probably deal with her present for a certain length of time (I'm not sure what that length is quite yet) as long as she's working towards her goals which seem reasonable. She figures 6-9 months. Who am I to disrupt her long term plans?

At this point, I am a client who she has allowed into her personal life as a friend. I will not delude myself into thinking that I have any right to tell her how to conduct herself and run her business affairs. That would be quickest way to end things now because I'd be totally out of line.

I'm willing to continue to see her on the same basis as I have up until now. That involves spending as much time together as I can (read afford), to try and partake in as many different types of activities together as we can, find out more about eachother and see what type of relationship, if any is suitable for us. It does not have to have sex as the central theme and indeed any meaningful long term relationship is definitely not based on sex, although it can start that way. I know I have my personal hangups as does she. If I can be supportive of her and help her, then there is a bond of a different level that can be cultivated which may prove to be significant. We can never have too many friends who care for us and are willing to stand alongside us. At the same time, I have to know if she is capable of giving enough of herself to help me grow as a person. I have my needs as well.

Of course, the thing that separates this type of relationship from most normal ones is money so let's discuss that. There is no way I would consider seeing her for 1 hour at a time. The minimum has been 2 hours, but more recently they have been 4 or more hours and some overnight sessions. Fortunately, she seems to appreciate our time together and as such has been very kind to me in terms of compensation. Occasionally no money has changed hands. I think I'm justified in taking this as a positive sign on her part that she enjoys my company. However, having said that, the well is not bottomless, but as a good addict I continue to find ways to finance my pursuit and can still find ways to justify it.

I do have my eyes open and should be able to handle most eventualities that come my way, so I don't need to much pity and condolences yet. It's just those damn reviews that bug the hell out of me. Thanks for your input all.

 

[zog]

Carefull....

I'm willing to continue to see her on the same basis as I have up until now. That involves spending as much time together as I can (read afford)...

I'd be wary if she continues to see you professionally.

It's one thing if she needs (or wants) to keep working in her chosen field. There are many valid reason for women who want to do the SP job for a shorter or longer period of time.

But SPs are people too and they don't work 24 hours a day. If her feelings for you are genuine, she will find time to see you as a friend (or more) on her own time - just as you find time in your busy schedule to include her. SPs work for their living (like we all do) but most (like us) also have a social life.

If you were (for example) a computer technician, would you bill your friends who asked you computer questions? If you were a mechanic, would you charge your friends who ask for car advice?

Why then should an SP charge her friends for social interaction? Many SPs have boyfriends or SOs in their private life and those are certainly not paid relationships because most healthy people (yes, even SPs) can make a distinction between their work and their life.

If this girl really cares about you, she'll make you part of her private life and not see you professionally. If she keeps taking the cash, she may be playing you or, at least, not have the same feelings that you do.

Be careful. You could be hurt worse if you don't end it soon.

Zog.

 

[Big Daddy]

great comments zog! I really appreciated reading your comments, so true. As far as Mickeymax is concerned, I am having some doubts. When SPs see clients they might meet some emotionally venerable clients. MickeyMax you could be one of them. If you view it from financial stand point, if I were a SP I would try to make as many clients as "friends" as possible. This helps keep a stable demand in a bad economy.

I know, I sound harsh for your delicate situation but I am just offering another point of view. Be careful! My suggestion is that evaluate the situation over time.

 

[Dr69]

Re: Carefull....

If this girl really cares about you, she'll make you part of her private life and not see you professionally. If she keeps taking the cash, she may be playing you or, at least, not have the same feelings that you do.

Agree completely with Zog on this one. Your original post wanted to know how to deal with the explicit posts about her on TERB. But, that is the LEAST of your problems.

My opinion, based on what I can gather from your posts is that you have two major issues, (i) you are in love or are in the process of falling in love with an SP and (ii) you are falling in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you.

I think the second one of these issues is more important for the moment. You seem to think that she also has some sort of feelings for you, even though they are not as strong as yours. If she is still taking money to spend time with you, then I question that. If she was really even just your "friend", she would not. And as for giving you freebies once in a while, she is a good business woman and knows what she is doing.

Be very realistic with yourself. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why she would really want you. What do you have to offer her? Women want something. Whether it is tangible or intangible. Do you have an exciting career? Wealth? Physique? Charm? Could you have a realistic chance of meeting, getting close to and dating any other woman of her age and looks? You said earlier that you would not have a chance to be with young attractive women, if it is wasn't for this hobby. So if no other young, attractive woman would be with you, why should she? I know it is painful to hear that, but that is your answer. I am not saying it is impossible for you to have a relationship with her, but look at what you are up against and be realistic. Should she be with you just because you want to be with her? That is never a good enough reason.

As for how to deal with the fact that she is an SP and this review board. Know that whether she is being reviewed here or not, she is having sex with other men. Explicit sex. The type of sex that she is giving you. And maybe even more than she is giving you. And ACCEPT IT. There is no other solution. Yes, it will hurt at first. But, don't be afraid of pain. Pain is your friend. The more you hurt, the stronger you will get.

Life is a tragedy. Bad things happen to good people. And while we spend our lives pursuing happiness, it is sadness that always seems to find it's way to our doors. We have to learn to deal with it. Learn from our experiences and our failures and move on. There is no other way.