Time for some laughter? Please share yours...

[Kusa]

Disclaimer: All jokes are derived from various outlets available via Google and are solely intended for humor and entertainment. No harm is intended towards anyone, lest you Vera-rize on me.

• Grandson: Grandpa, do you and grandma still have Sex?
  Grandpa: mostly oral
  Grandson: what do you mean?
  Grandpa: She says fuck you and I say fuck you too
  
  
• If you were to give mouthwash a number, what would it be? 70...coz comes after 69.
  
  
• Why do women wear pants? The law requires every manhole to be covered.
  
  
• Why do women give better BJ to circumcised me better than uncircumcised men? They like getting 20% off
  
  
• Why do little girls carry fish in their pockets? So that they can smell like the big girls
  
  
• Without women sex would be a pain in the ass.
  
  
• The boss is like a diaper, always on your ass and full of shit
  
  
• The SP gave me a hand job the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.
  
  
• They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
  
  
• What did the male computer engineer ask the SP? Can you turn my software into a hardware?
  
  
• A dick has it rough. Not only are his closest friends nuts, but his backdoor neighbor’s an asshole
  
  
• I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629
  
  
• What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
  
  
• What did one of the SP’s knee say to the other? How come we spend so little time together?

 

[forgo10]

Here's some back atcha Kusa

· I went to see the doctor the other day, and he told me I had to stop masturbating ..... I asked him why .... and he said cause I'm trying to examine you!

· Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? ..... because Ken came in a different box

· My penis was in the Guinness world book of records ,,,,,, but then the librarian asked me to take it out

· I was made to walk the plank when I was a kid ...... we couldn't afford a dog

· What do you call intelligent people in America? ...... tourists

· Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight? ......... they just don't really like each other

· What do a penis and a Rubiks cube have in common? ...... the more you play with it the harder it gets

· My wife asked if she was the only one I've been with ...... I said yes, the others were nines and tens

· I can't stand being in a wheelchair

· You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes

· How do you find Will Smith in the snow? ........ you look for fresh prince

· I sent my hearing aids in for repair three weeks ago ............... haven't heard anything since

· Why are pirates called pirates? ............. because they are

· An Irishman walks out of a bar .................

 

[corrie fan]

A woman came home and found her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Of course she was outraged and demanded to know what was going on. Her hubby said, "calm down for a minute and I'll explain. On the way home from work I came across a young woman who looked like she was down on her luck and could use some help.
I brought her home with me. She said she was hungry so I heated up the leftovers you had forgotten about in the fridge and gave them to her. I saw that she was cold so I gave her that sweater I gave you for your birthday that you don't wear because you don't like the colour. I noticed her pants were about ready to fall apart so I gave her a pair of your pants that don't fit you anymore. I saw she didn't have a watch so I gave her the watch I gave you for Christmas that I have never seen you wear.
She thanked me for all I did for her and said she'd be on her way. As she was walking through the door she turned and asked if there was anything else you don't use anymore. And so here we are."

 

[eddie kerr]

At a pub one night, went for a pee. Another fellow came in for a pee goes to the urinal next to me. He stares at my dick and sees that I have 4 dots on my pecker and says what are those dots on your dick. I said when I get a hard on, it spells L O V E. And he laughs. I then noticed that he had 4 dots on his dick and I ask him. He starts laughing at me and says, when I get a hard on, it spells I LOVE YOU BABY.

 

[Ponderling]

QUOTE: What did the male computer engineer ask the SP? Can you turn my software into a hardware?

Hey - that was a Beta test version.
We need to run that software quite a few more times.
Using the same test environment.
To see what other issues may crop up.
i.e. nerd talk for MSOG

Just take care to not call the issues 'Bugs'.
Because that takes the joke in a whole different direction.

 

[DesRicardo]

 

[danmand]

When the waiter asked how he wanted his steak cooked, he said" Like when I win an argument with my wife"
"Rare it is" said the waiter.

 

[seanzo]

A quick joke from a lurker;

Two sperm are swimming side by side
One sperm turns to the other and says
"Hey man, how much further till we get to the fallopian tubes?"
The other sperm says "Relax bud, we just passed the tonsils."

 

[james t kirk]

A CEO needs to hire a new accountant. Puts an ad in the paper and gets several responses. The CEO schedules 3 accountants to come in for an interview.

During the first interview, mr. CEO says to the first accountant, "i'd like to give you a little pop quiz. Whats 2 plus 2?". First guy looks a little confused but replies, "four". CEO purses his lips a little bit and says, "ok, thanks coming out."

Second candidate, the boss says, "what's two plus two?". Same blank look and the guy says, "sorry, i dont understand the question.". "Thanks for coming out, next"

Third accountant comes in for the interview and again the boss tells the guy about his little quiz and says, "what's two plus two? ". The third accountant cracks a little smirk, leans in a bit and says, "whatever you want it to be."

 

[Ceiling Cat]

 

[Ceiling Cat]

 

[Ceiling Cat]

 

[eddie kerr]

Went to the doctor, told her I had a sore penis. She checked my dick and said. AH SO, YOU HAVE HONG KONG GONE. I said, OH NO, do you have to amputate? she said, Ah No, pretty soon it fall off all by itself.

 

[Beagle_]

How to tell a Newfie.

 

[D-Fens]

I had a friend from North Korea, I asked him what it's like to live there.

he said he can't complain.

 

[Beagle_]

This is racking my little brain lol

 

[SchlongConery]

A practical joke for a change - Folks.

Amazon Alexa devices don't have any kind of security when it comes to setting things like alarms and reminders, so if you ever find yourself alone with one, try saying something like "Alexa......... Set a reminder for 8pm on [Some random date in the following month] that it's my turn to bring anal lube for the next Pre-op trans dungeon club meeting".

You can also add things to the owners Amazon shopping list by just saying something like "Alexa.......... Add a 10" inflatable butt plug, latex catsuit, and nipple clamps to my shopping list".

Once you realise the sort of crap you can do with an unsupervised Alexa, the possibilities are endless.

 

[SchlongConery]

My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had so I decided to shave one of his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face.

My wife went mental when she picked him up to change his diaper.

both above jokes from sickipedia.net

 

[SchlongConery]

When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star." It is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

 

[Ceiling Cat]