The official joke thread
- Thread starter Gilbey
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A gorgeous young redhead...
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever
she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow
and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever
she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow
and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."
The tomato patch....
An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
When nothing else seems to work
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6 If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6 If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
dolls
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned
her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he
had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got
very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort
out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took
it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should
know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted
dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the
contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told
me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and
crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back
tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been
angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He
almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the
dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned
her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he
had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got
very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort
out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took
it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should
know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted
dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the
contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told
me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and
crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back
tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been
angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He
almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the
dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.
blow me
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A guy walked into a bar
One day a guy walks into a car with an allegator on a leash next to him. Now the bar has a decent amount of people in it who are now nervous seeing the allegator next to the man.
After having a drink the man gets up on the bar and addresses the people iin front of him saying
"I can see that you all are very nervous about this allegator. So I will make you all a bet. Right now I will drop my pants, place my genitals in the allegators mouth, he will close his mouth, and after one minute I will break this bottle over his head, he will open his mouth and my genitals will be completely ok. And for doing this everyone here will buy me a drink"
Now this seems like an impossible bet for the man to win so everyone accepts. The man drops his pants, genitals, in the mouth, one minute later broke the bottle, mouth opens, and everything is still in the same condition it was when he put them in there.
Now after having a few of the drinks the man get back on bar and announces that he will pay anyone in the bar $100 to do the same thing.
The bar is quite for a minute and then a blonde in the back raises her hand and says "I'll do it, but you can't break the bottle over my head."
One day a guy walks into a car with an allegator on a leash next to him. Now the bar has a decent amount of people in it who are now nervous seeing the allegator next to the man.
After having a drink the man gets up on the bar and addresses the people iin front of him saying
"I can see that you all are very nervous about this allegator. So I will make you all a bet. Right now I will drop my pants, place my genitals in the allegators mouth, he will close his mouth, and after one minute I will break this bottle over his head, he will open his mouth and my genitals will be completely ok. And for doing this everyone here will buy me a drink"
Now this seems like an impossible bet for the man to win so everyone accepts. The man drops his pants, genitals, in the mouth, one minute later broke the bottle, mouth opens, and everything is still in the same condition it was when he put them in there.
Now after having a few of the drinks the man get back on bar and announces that he will pay anyone in the bar $100 to do the same thing.
The bar is quite for a minute and then a blonde in the back raises her hand and says "I'll do it, but you can't break the bottle over my head."
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new vehicle. He wanted a new truck so he could help haul his buddy's stuff. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she liked was way too expensive.
"Look!" she snarled. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. Surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
"Look!" she snarled. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. Surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
When I say I am broke, I am broke.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning, " said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning, " said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Ben Affeck goes to his doctor.
"Doctor, everytime I look in the mirror I get a raging erection"
The doctor replies, "Hmmm.Interesting."
"What could it be Doc?"
"It's simple Ben - you're a pussy".
"Doctor, everytime I look in the mirror I get a raging erection"
The doctor replies, "Hmmm.Interesting."
"What could it be Doc?"
"It's simple Ben - you're a pussy".
TERB'S Annual Picnic.
last year's was such a success i was wondering when this year's would be held? Perhaps at Hanlan's Point?
http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b342/Richardwha/terbpicnic.jpg
last year's was such a success i was wondering when this year's would be held? Perhaps at Hanlan's Point?
http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b342/Richardwha/terbpicnic.jpg
Horsin Around
Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I thee her wun awound?"
Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I thee her wun awound?"
A code word for sex
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
1.. what does winnie the pooh call his granny??
-Poohnanny
2 How do you get winnie the pooh mad???
- Stick 2 fingers in his hunny
3. How do you know if micheal jackson has a date??
- Theres a tricycle on the driveway
-Poohnanny
2 How do you get winnie the pooh mad???
- Stick 2 fingers in his hunny
3. How do you know if micheal jackson has a date??
- Theres a tricycle on the driveway
How to speak Newfenese.
Two old Newfie fishermen talking to each other in a Dorry:
MR fish
MR not fish
MR 2 fish, by!
CDBDiiiiii?
Whale Oil
Beef Hooked!
MR fish!
______________________________________
Ciphered below.......
Two old Newfie fishermen talking to each other in a Dorry:
MR fish
MR not fish
MR 2 fish, by!
CDBDiiiiii?
Whale Oil
Beef Hooked!
MR fish!
______________________________________
Ciphered below.......
‘em are fishJack Mioff said:
‘em are not fish
‘em are too fish, boy!
See de beady little eyes?
Well, I’ll be fucked!
‘em are fish!
Cheers,
Jack.
