The official joke thread

[luv4lust]

Okay so a guy is
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9 years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it
harder and "tomato" if she
wants a new position.


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


She screams.


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!


Then the little brother shouts up,
"Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!

 

[RayFinkel]

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"


What's worse than a lobster on your piano? A crab on your organ

 

[a 1 player]

What's the difference between jelly and jam?















You can't jelly your dick up a girls ass.

 

[Jade4u]

MEN JOKES (Obviously written by a woman)
*What's the world's thinnest book?
What men know about women.
*How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One...Men will screw anything.
*How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
*Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
*What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
*How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
*What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds [eventually] mature [and make money].
*How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
*What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
*How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
*How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know -- it's never been done before.
*How are men and parking places alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
*What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
*What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
*What does a man consider a seven course dinner?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
*Do you know why there is a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain

 

[LancsLad]

What's the definition of a will?

C'mon, it's a dead giveaway!

you are a naughty girl and deserve a good spanking, you re probate!!!



.


i will gladly do unto others....


BIG GRIN HERE


.

 

[MissCroft]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."


The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The other women give her this subtle "Well...?"







She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

 

[netizen]

Long Penis

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.

Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge
explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

 

[LadyTY2Uall]

Not a Joke but ironic as hell

Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even
Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess.

This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic
Science, AAFS President, Dr. Don Harper Mills ,
astounded his audience with the legal complications of
a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body
of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a
shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from
the top of a ten-story building intending to commit
suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his
despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life
was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a
window, which killed him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net
had been installed just below the eighth floor level
to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned.

'Ordinarily,' Dr Mills continued, 'Someone who sets
out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even
though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is
still defined as committing suicide. 'That Mr. Opus
was shot on the way to certain death, but probably
would not have been successful because of the safety
net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a
homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor, from where the shotgun blast
emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.
They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening
her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he
pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and
the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus .

When one intends to kill subject 'A,' but kills
subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and
his wife were both adamant and both said that they
thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said
it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with
the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been
accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who
saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior
to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the
expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the
son for the death of Ronald Opus .

Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in
fact, Ronald Opus . He had become increasingly
despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer
his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the
ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by
a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story
window. The son had actually murdered himself so the
medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press.
(Reported by Kurt Westervelt )
submitted by Pamm McFadden

 

[y2kmark]

People like your friend need protection ...

they ought to raise the bar a little. What ever happened to Gilby anyway??

 

[Jade4u]

In Heat

A little girl ask her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog is in heat, and to come ask you."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[iprint]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
Nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
Of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

 

[MissCroft]

There once was a yellow toad and he was a very unhappy toad because he

had no friends. Thus, he consulted a magician, who was able to turn him

brown, except for his private parts. When queried, the magician said,

"For that you must see the Wizard; I never have much luck with those."

On the way to see the Wizard, the toad encountered a pink elephant, who

was leaning against a rock and crying. "What's the matter?" asked the

toad. "I'm pink! That's what's the matter." said the elephant. "No

problem," said the toad, "just go see the magician." So the elephant

did, and the magician turned him grey - except, again, for his private

parts. "For that you must see the Wizard," said the magician. "How do

I find the Wizard?" asked the elephant.


"Simple," said the magician, "just follow the yellow-prick toad!"

 

[MissCroft]

Bob, Don and Joe were lifelong friends. Suddenly one day Joe

disappeared. Everybody was trying to help Bob and Don find their friend Joe

and the police were taking down a description. Bob remembered that Joe had

two assholes. "How do you know that?!" the police asked him. "Simple," Bob

replied, "Every time we're with Joe, somebody always says 'Here comes Joe

with the two assholes.'"

 

[mr_felix_jones]

Jam v.

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock down a chick's throat.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Rabbi Gold is taken ill and is admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital for treatment. A few days after his admittance, Max, the shul’s secretary, goes to visit him. "Rabbi," says Max, "I’m here on behalf of our Board of Trustees. They have asked me to bring you their good wishes for a speedy recovery and their hope that you should live to be 110."
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Thank you," says Rabbi Gold, "I’m pleased to hear of their good wishes for me."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"And so you should be, Rabbi," says Max, "it was touch and go for a while but the final vote on whether we should send you any good wishes ended up 11 to 9 in your favour."[/FONT]

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Jewish personal ads
(allegedly these have appeared in Israeli newspapers)

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is OK.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35+ college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah
candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks nonsmoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American born woman who speaks English very good.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?

80 year old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

A hippie is riding the bus and seated near him is a very attractive nun. He approaches her and asks if she would like to have sex with him? She declines and hurries off the bus at the next stop.

The driver calls the hippie over and says, "I know how you can trick that Nun into having sex with you. She prays every Wednesday night at the cemetary. If you dress up like Jesus while she's praying you could probably talk her into having sex."

So the next Wednesday night the Hippie waits in the cemetary in disguise. The nun shows up and the hippie runs into the open and announces, "I'm Jesus and since we're married I'm here to have sex with you."

The Nun replies, "Alright but please perform anal sex on me so I can still make a claim of chastity. Noone will ever believe I met you and I cannot lie about a thing like that."

After they have sex, he rips off his costme and announces, "HA! I fooled you, I'm the Hippie!"

The nun rips off her costume and announces, "Fooled you too, I'm the bus driver!"

 

[MissCroft]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'



'Don't fuckin mess with Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking.'

 

[gww]

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

 

[Ref]

you are a naughty girl and deserve a good spanking, you re probate!!!



.


i will gladly do unto others....


BIG GRIN HERE


.

Whatever happened to Lancslad?