The official joke thread

[Gilbey]

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in
a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3,
4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

[Gilbey]

The Apartment Building

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he ouldn't
stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator

 

[Goober Mcfly]

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?" and he replies SEX!!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

 

[Gilbey]

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

 

[Gilbey]

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

 

[Goober Mcfly]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.

The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

 

[DonBusch]

10 Things that piss me off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?


2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.


3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.


4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?


5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?


6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the frikken ceiling up there.


7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't".
Well, I hope you don't drive when you are sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!


8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?


9. When something is "new and improved" which is it? If it's a new, then there has never been
anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.


10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know ******* you fucking pulled me over!

 

[DonBusch]

Harry goes up to a prostitute and says, "How much for a blow
job?"


She says, "A hundred bucks."


He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to
pay the hundred. Then he starts to jack off.


She says, "What are you doing that for?"


He says, "For a hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you
the easy one?"

 

[Berlin]

another story of 3 wishes

( Heard it in UK )

Another story of 3 wishes:


One day, 2 boys and a girl were walking on a beach together. They found a very strange looking antique bottle washed ashore. So , as anyone would do, one of the boys started rubbing it and joked about having found Alladin on the beach.

And just as they were laughing their heads off, and Booom!!! A jeanie came out of the bottle.

' I am the magical jeanie of Babylon, trapped in this bottle by an evil curse 3000 years ago.... to thank you for your kind deed of setting me free, I shall grant you 3 wishes before I return to my time to seek my revenge.'

Still in shock, boy number 1 asked , ' I am happy with what I have, the only thing is, my friends always told me that I look like dorky Conan O Brien. So, jeanie, I wanna look like Brad Pitt !'

'Done' , replied jeanie, and Booom !!!!!! Boy number 1 turned into this handsome looking youg man, Conan he is no more, he is now more prettier than Brad ; the boy was so very happy. Everyone was totally amazed.

The girl then asked, ' My magic jeanie, I am very happy with myself, except the fact that I am as flat as an ironing board, and the boys always laugh at me......Can you please make my breats the same as Pam Anderson's ? '

'Done', replied jeanie, and Boom!!!!! The girl's previous flat chest just blossomed into a nice full and firm and natural D size rack, totally ripping open the tiny tank top that she had on. ' Oh, my god.... thank you, thank you jeanie...' The girl bursted into tears with joy.

Boy number 2 then asked, ' Jeanie, as you can see, I look good , have a great toned body, and I can get any chicks if I want.... but my problem is...' the boy then took off his shorts, and his 2 friends bursted into laughter.

This Boy has the smallest dick you can ever imagine, almost like a baby's pinky.

Feeling shy and angry, boy number 2 then said, ' I don't want my dates to laugh at me any more when I take off my pants, I don't want anybody calling me short dick man in the chat room, I WANT A BIG DICK !'

'Done.' Jeanie replied , and BBOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!! His little mini weanie tooth pick grew into this thick and full 15 inch porn stud quality manhood. The boy stared at his new dick, and stayed silent.

' well , I shall depart and seek my reve...' as jeanie was bidding farewell, boy number 2 interrupted,' Jeanie, I have one more request .'

'I must leave very soon, the 3 wishes were granted as I promised, I cannot break the rule ' replied Jeanie.
Boy number 2 then said,' But, jeanie, I am the one that rubbed the bottle, the one that set you free.. I only want one more wish, one more , please !?'

Jeanie, feeling annoyed, looked at the other 2, they nodded and said,' yes, it was him who set you free..'

So jeanie said,' I shall break my rule and grant you one last wish before my departure. But only one last wish.'

'I am still not happy with this new dick, I want my big dick long enough to touch the ground, I want to be the only one, jeanie, you understand? !' demanded boy number 2.

'Done' , replied jeanie, and BBOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!! Jeanie disappeared .
Boy number 2 felt some thing scratching the tip of his dick, and as he looked down, his dick now touches the ground. Overjoyed, he looked up wanting to seek approval from his friends, but instead, he found the 2 turned into 8 feet tall giants, looking shocked and pale.

' Hey, what the fuck happenned ? Did my last wish turned you two into 8 foot monsters ?' asked boy number 2 .


The girl shaking and muttered, ' Oh my god, jeanie turned you into a midget with a big dick.'

 

[Berlin]

more on blondes

( from the net , who knows where... )

She's Got Mail :

A man was in his front yard gardening when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL.""

 

[Berlin]

more on blondes

( ditto...)

Golf Balls

A man got on a the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, sexy blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging front pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”.

 

[Berlin]

more on blondes

( ditto...)

A Speeding Blonde

A highway police pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

[Berlin]

a G.I. joke

( heard it in UK )

A G.I. Joke:

A batch of special op. GI's were sent to some rugged 3rd world country far far away from homeland on a long mission. It's has been a long war, and there were no female GI's on the team, the soldiers were getting really tired of wanking with their dry, blistered hands. Their lack of porn,sex ,and proper release were starting to make them very uncomfortable: skin outbreaks, overly anxiuos all the time....etc..etc.

Everyone was not handling this lack of sex thing well, except their team commander, who has remained alert , calm, and in control since their mission began.

The team wanted to know how their commander managed, but dared not to ask. So, one day, 2 sharp shooters from the team, best in the whole army, went to press the commander for his secret.

The 2 went into the commander's tent, explained their problem, and asked for advise. The commander said,' since you 2 are the best sniper in the whole army, and have done tremendous for our country... you see a camel behind my tent ? Take it tonight, but don't tell the others.... In fact, since you 2 are the best snipers , take it every other night.' The commander pointed to the back of his tent.

'The camel , sir ? ' asked one sniper.

'Yes. You 2 can use my camel, 10 pm, every 2 nights ,and take good care if it. Now, dismiss! Go on, go on...' the commander said.

The 2 were a bit in disbelief, and went back to their barrack and kept to themsleves. They got a bit worried from the advise of the commander, but they thought , people have sex with dogs, cats, goats, cows, even chicken all the time, so the camel thing must work. They agreed to use the camel.


So later on that night , the 2 sneaked behind the tent of the commander, and took turn having sex with the camel. It was not an easy job, one had to hold it still and mute it , while the other one had to get at it extremely quick. But the horrible smell, the grotesque feeling of going in and out a camel's big hairy pussy were very tough to bear, even for the 2 elite. So after 2 weeks of fucking the camel, they could not do it anymore, they felt even worse than before , rash developed all over their dicks and balls. So the 2 decided to go and ask their commander again, to see if they were doing it properly.

' Sir,' they entered the commander's tent, and asked, ' we have some serious question to ask...'

' You 2 look like shit ,boys,' the commander looked puzzled, then cintinued, ' did you do what I told you do ? '

' Yes, sir. but...' said the sniper.

' Ah, I know,' the commander smiled, ' Although this camel was so well trained to trek through the mountain to that wonderful brothel inside the local village, this bloody animal does have a temper sometimes and will bring you to some bloody dessert near by instead......My bad. Next time, just pop the bloody thing 2 lumps of sugar, and it will be a happy camper again. Didn't you enjoy the local pussies at all ?'

 

[DonBusch]

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to


leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has


assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take


off immediately after that.


The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot


uniforms both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog,


and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.





Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the


cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers


begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is


just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane


movesfaster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows


realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the


airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will


never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams


fill the cabin but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the


air.


The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have


all retreated plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot


turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days,


they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

 

[DonBusch]

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice
in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.


Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of
the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well
that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."


Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I
thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a
great lover rather than the big shit he really was."

 

[DonBusch]

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to
enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became
careless and a fox sneaked up behind her and caught her.


"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.


"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few
days."


"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"


"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of
Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"


"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that
a fox will always win over a rabbit."


"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can
come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not
convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."


"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had
nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came
out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from
writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was
ready to set upon her.


"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."


"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"


"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of
Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"


The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the
rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the
head. You might have something contagious."


"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you
disagree with my conclusions."


So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came
out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in
the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked,
"What's up? You seem very happy."


"Yup, I just finished my thesis."


"Congratulations. What's it about?"


"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"


"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."


"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."


So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they
entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode,
albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer
with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there
was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in
the middle was a large, well fed lion.


The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter.


The subject doesn't matter.


The research doesn't matter.


All that matters is who your advisor is.

 

[DonBusch]

And just when you thought you knew just about everything . . . . .


Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.


Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.


There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.


The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.


A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.


There are more chickens than people in the world.


Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.


The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."


On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.


All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.


"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".


All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill.


Almonds are a member of the peach family.


Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.


Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.


There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.


Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula"


A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.


In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.


Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.


The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."


A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.


A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.


A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.


It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.


The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.


In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.


The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.


There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

 

[DonBusch]

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off,
when one fellow noticed his partner had only one golf ball.


"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The
other guy replied that he only needed one.


"Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you
lose that ball?"


The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't
lose it, so I don't need another one."


"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot
and the ball goes in the lake?"


"That's OK," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be
able to retrieve it."


"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost
among the bushes and shrubs?


"The other guy replied, "That's OK, too. You see, this special
golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no
problem."


Exasperated, the friend asks, "OK. Let's say our game goes
late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap.
What are you going to do then?"


"No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is
florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."


Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend
asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that, anyway?"


The other guy replies, "I found it."

 

[Berlin]

a mother and her child

( heard it in UK )

A mother and her child:

One day, a mother took her teenage duaghter to a clinic, and said to the doctor, ' Doctor, I want you to run a check up on my girl here, she has been sick for a week, always throwing up, and she has never done that before...'

So the doctor did some test on the young girl. Within 5 minutes, the lab results came back. The doctor read it and said to the mother, ' Madam, I have news for you. Your girl is pregnant.'

The mother was shocked , then became furious upon hearing that, spoke forcefully, ' doctor, there is just no way for this to happen. Your lab results are wrong. My family are all religious Catholics, we attend church everyday. And my daughter would never have sex before marriage. She is still a virgin, I can assure that ! and your lab results have to be wrong! You tell me, doctor, tell me ! '

After hearing this explosion of disbelief and anger, the doctor sat back in his chair, took a deep breath, and said to the mother,' a moment please, madam..' then turned around and stared out his window into the clear northern sky.

For 5 minutes, the doctor kept staring at the sky , and said not a single word. Getting very impatient, the mother said to the doctor,' Doctor, what the heck you are doing ? You must run other tests on my child. She is still a virgin and that's a fact!'

The doctor , still staring at the empty blue sky, then answered, ' The last time a virgin got pregnant, way up in the northern sky, there appeared a very very bright and shinning star.... I certainly don't want to miss it this time .'

 

[Berlin]

a better health plan

( ..from the net, who knows where...)

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"

"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes."

"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman. In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.

OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."