The New Parrot

[TheShadow]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Brian!"
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[mandrill]

Once upon a time - and a very good time it was too - a monk went to buy a parrot. So he goes to the local pet store and says to the storekeeper "I want this parrot to be well brought up. Do you understand? No rude language. This bird is for the monastery."

The owner nods effusively. "Don't worry, father." he says. "I am such a good Catholic, this pet store has been blessed by the Pope. And this parrot, why he's so religious that if you pull his right foot, he recites the Lord's Prayer."

The monk raises his eyebrows sceptically. But sure enough, the owner pulls the parrot's right foot and the bird recites the Lord's Prayer.

The owner continues "And if you pull the parrot's left foot, he recites Mass in Latin."

The monk smiles disbelievingly. But the owner pulls the parrot's left foot and the bird recites Mass in Latin.

The monk is overjoyed at finding such a holy parrot. So he pays the owner twice what the man had asked for and takes the parrot back to the monastery.

That afternoon, he gathers the other monks in the refectory to show them the bird and he tells them what the owner had said. And so one of the novices reaches out and pulls the bird's right foot. Lo and behold, the parrot begins with "Our Father... " and reels off the Lord's Prayer, right to the final pious "amen".

The brothers exchange astonished - but happy - glances. And then one of them reaches out and tugs on the parrot's left foot. And - God be Praised! - the parrot recites Holy Mass in Latin.

The monks are dumbstruck, but overjoyed at the holiness of the parrot Finally the Head Abbott asks "What happens if we pull both feet at the same time?" He reaches out and yanks the bird's feet and the parrot tumbles to the bottom of the cage.

"Holy fuck, you dumb-ass motherfucker!" screams the parrot. "What the fuck did you think was going to happen?! I fall off my goddam perch and break my mother-fucking ass!"