6 truths of life:
1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue
2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it
3) The first truth is a lie
4) You're smiling now, because you're an idiot
5) You soon will forward this on to another idiot
6) There's still a stupid smile on your face!
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A young widow goes to the docs for an internal. The doctor says "you're still a virgin but been married and widowed 3 times. How's that?" Woman says "My first hubby was an astronomer, all he did was stare at it. The second was a psychologist, all he did was talk to it. The third was a stamp collector...God I miss him!"
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A kid was sitting on the stairs with his cat and a bag of jelly beans. His mum was watching him.
He put a jelly bean in his mouth, then bit the cat, then moved down a step. He then put another jelly bean in his mouth, bit the cat again, and moved down another step. His mother asked "what are you doing?" he replied, "Getting in some practice for when I'm older! I'm poppin' pills, eating pussy and movin' on!"
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An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Pretty Girl, Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, Baby etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
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A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly and then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "the balcony."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race
horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the
forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet
on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've
lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said,
"that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference
between a simple blessing and last rites."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven While waiting they began to wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.
As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small out of the way village
and sees a local sitting on his porch at his farm patting his dog...
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the welsh man.
"Hey, mind if I talk to your dog? "
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "
Dog: "Doin' all right. "
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play. "
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "
Villager: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think. "
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "
Horse: "Cool"
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at the villager)
Horse:"Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a fuckin' liar!"
1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue
2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it
3) The first truth is a lie
4) You're smiling now, because you're an idiot
5) You soon will forward this on to another idiot
6) There's still a stupid smile on your face!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young widow goes to the docs for an internal. The doctor says "you're still a virgin but been married and widowed 3 times. How's that?" Woman says "My first hubby was an astronomer, all he did was stare at it. The second was a psychologist, all he did was talk to it. The third was a stamp collector...God I miss him!"
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A kid was sitting on the stairs with his cat and a bag of jelly beans. His mum was watching him.
He put a jelly bean in his mouth, then bit the cat, then moved down a step. He then put another jelly bean in his mouth, bit the cat again, and moved down another step. His mother asked "what are you doing?" he replied, "Getting in some practice for when I'm older! I'm poppin' pills, eating pussy and movin' on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Pretty Girl, Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, Baby etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly and then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "the balcony."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race
horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the
forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet
on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've
lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said,
"that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference
between a simple blessing and last rites."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven While waiting they began to wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.
As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small out of the way village
and sees a local sitting on his porch at his farm patting his dog...
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the welsh man.
"Hey, mind if I talk to your dog? "
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "
Dog: "Doin' all right. "
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play. "
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "
Villager: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think. "
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "
Horse: "Cool"
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at the villager)
Horse:"Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a fuckin' liar!"
