should i dump him?
- Thread starter kat19
- Start date
Reality check here sister!Lynn said:
It's a relation that he probably didn't even care about and chances are never even bothered visiting.
If someone is willing to end a PERSONAL relationship because of some outside or emotional commitment, then holy moly, think about it!
MY granny (who raised me) passed away and my wife chose not attend the funeral or to be honest even cared, I didn't get mad at her - Why? Because the woman did not affect her life in any way at all.
Accept it. It's reality. It's normal.
reality check?
the reality is that her grandmother meant something to her and if she means something to him then it is important for him to be there to help her. He doesn't need to know the grandmother to stand beside his girlfriend and hold her hand and help her through her loss.
if he isn't willing to share in her personal relationships with others then why should she waste her time maintaining a personal relationship with him?
the reality is that her grandmother meant something to her and if she means something to him then it is important for him to be there to help her. He doesn't need to know the grandmother to stand beside his girlfriend and hold her hand and help her through her loss.
if he isn't willing to share in her personal relationships with others then why should she waste her time maintaining a personal relationship with him?
Wait a minute Ref...
Kat has lost someone she loved deeply.
I'll simply re-state my point that it does not matter what the bf's relationship was with her grandmother.
What matters that Kat NEEDS him (for a valid reason). She is not being needy or jumping to conclusions.
A relationship is give-and-take. Completion of a whole.
When one party is weak the other should do all they can to offer support.
I'm sorry about the loss of your grandmother as well - however you've made it clear that you did not NEED your wife to be there for you - so of course when she wasn't it did not upset you.
I've lost three grandparents over the past three years - My boyfriend held my hand all the way.
I would feel exactly like Kat if my "better half" wasn't there for me when I most needed him.
Kat has lost someone she loved deeply.
I'll simply re-state my point that it does not matter what the bf's relationship was with her grandmother.
What matters that Kat NEEDS him (for a valid reason). She is not being needy or jumping to conclusions.
A relationship is give-and-take. Completion of a whole.
When one party is weak the other should do all they can to offer support.
I'm sorry about the loss of your grandmother as well - however you've made it clear that you did not NEED your wife to be there for you - so of course when she wasn't it did not upset you.
I've lost three grandparents over the past three years - My boyfriend held my hand all the way.
I would feel exactly like Kat if my "better half" wasn't there for me when I most needed him.
Wrong!impala77 said:
It's her grandmother and her memories.
Let her enjoy them because they were meant for her, not him.
She sacrificed her time & her love to her grandmother. Spouses cannot invest the emotion and understanding in a relationship that started many years before they arrived on the scene. It is up to her to let them separate their feelings from this event and allow her the freedom to do what she may. To say a spouse/boyfirend is insensitive is prejudging on many accounts.
We all have our different ways of dealing with death.
Kat, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Take the time to grieve, but know that you will get through this difficult time.
It seems like your boyfriend is very selfish, and I'm surprised you've been with him for four years. Is this the first time you noticed that he's a jerk?
Whether he was close to your grandmother should not be an issue. You suffered a major loss, and your boyfriend shrugged it off. He should have been there for you, but instead he was only concerned about himself. His lack of empathy should make you question whether this is a man you want to spend the rest of your life with. What happens if (god forbid) you are diagnosed with a terminal disease? You're lying on your deathbed, crying, and he's not there for you. I know people in these types of relationships, where one partner is selfless and so giving, and the other can only think of themselves.
It seems like your boyfriend is very selfish, and I'm surprised you've been with him for four years. Is this the first time you noticed that he's a jerk?
Whether he was close to your grandmother should not be an issue. You suffered a major loss, and your boyfriend shrugged it off. He should have been there for you, but instead he was only concerned about himself. His lack of empathy should make you question whether this is a man you want to spend the rest of your life with. What happens if (god forbid) you are diagnosed with a terminal disease? You're lying on your deathbed, crying, and he's not there for you. I know people in these types of relationships, where one partner is selfless and so giving, and the other can only think of themselves.
Sorry to hear about your loss. For a guy who was in your life 4 days, this would be excusable. Four years? He pulls this? Geezus, this is guy is the jerk to end all insentitive jerks.....
Lots of good guys out there lass, some of em on this board from what I have seen......
This guy could be replaced REAL easy on many levels...
Lots of good guys out there lass, some of em on this board from what I have seen......
This guy could be replaced REAL easy on many levels...
it doesn't matter if he was close to the Grandmother or not. He should have been more sensitive to his Girlfriends feelings.
Cut him off for a while and he may get to understand how you feel. Give him a second chance
Cut him off for a while and he may get to understand how you feel. Give him a second chance
A lot of guys are insensitive or unaware of their partner's feelings because they view emotionally distressing things differently than females. People call it insensitive, I call it inherent stupidity. For example (and please Kat, I am not trying to compare the magitude of your situation to the following example), my wife calls me and said she has been in a car accident. After finding out that she is OK and that the tow truck driver and police are their, I ask her to call me when she gets things sorted out. After work, I get yelled at for not driving a half hour out of my way to get to the scene and comfort her and help her take care of things. I also said, would it have made a difference if I was there? Looking back at it, I realize that I was very insensitive in her time of distress and my only excuse was that I was too dumb to realize it.
If you can accept that some men are like this, and that it was not deliberate, then you have to look to see if he has some redeeming qualities. After 4 years, I would think that he would have several redeeming qualities. You have to ask yourself, can I accept him for all that he is or is this (and maybe some other attributes) not tolerable? Dumping him may not be the answer.
If you can accept that some men are like this, and that it was not deliberate, then you have to look to see if he has some redeeming qualities. After 4 years, I would think that he would have several redeeming qualities. You have to ask yourself, can I accept him for all that he is or is this (and maybe some other attributes) not tolerable? Dumping him may not be the answer.
since you have been dating for 4 years now im sure you might have seen this side of him before. Is this a pattern or just an isolated incident? If its a pattern or developing into one id say watch out. If its a one time thing, maybe your BF was dealing with something as well that day. Before you make a big decision maybe he needed some support for something too. Im not sticking up for him as it sounds like he's being a bit of a dick, but talk with him and see (we guys LOVE to talk about our feelings) look at the pattern of his behaviour and think about it. Good luck and sorry to hear of your loss
Kat, sorry to hear about your loss. My condolences to you and your family.
Now to your "friend". Strike one was not responding immediately with compassion. Strikes two and three and out of the game came when he still did not get it when you told him that his lack of response upset you.
People can change, yes, but this self-centredness is a tough one. There are better folks out there...just look at all the nice people on this board for a start
I echo others response to you...time to pick up and move on.
Shades
Now to your "friend". Strike one was not responding immediately with compassion. Strikes two and three and out of the game came when he still did not get it when you told him that his lack of response upset you.
People can change, yes, but this self-centredness is a tough one. There are better folks out there...just look at all the nice people on this board for a start
I echo others response to you...time to pick up and move on.
Shades
Re: Re: should i dump him?
Seriously, it's a bit disturbing how many people are trashing a guy, and advising a woman to end a four year relationship, based on a one paragraph (and in all fairness one-sided) account of a single incident in a relationship.
Some questions that you need to ask yourself (and/or him):
Is he close to his grandmother? Has he suffered the loss of someone close to him? Its possible that he simply didn't understand how much you needed him that night. As opposed to being a jerk, he may simply have been unable to emphasize or understand what you were going through. That doesn't excuse his insensitivity, but its also different than him just being a jerk.
Does he have difficulties confronting grief and/or death? Some people are just hopeless when it comes to these sorts of situations. I have a close friend who won't go to funerals. People often think that she's selfish or bitchy as a result, but the fact is, she just can't handle the emotion of other people facing death.
How old is he? Life experience plays a role in a person's ability to empathize with others. Again, that doesn't excuse his behaviour, but you need to factor that in.
How did you discuss the issue/your feelings when you first called him? Did you make it clear how much you needed him? How distraught you were? Too often, we expect our partners to implicitly understand our needs, instead of explicitly spelling them out. Then, when they misinterpret, we get pissed off and think that they're insensitive. If you acted calmly and didn't talk about how devastated you were by the loss, he may have just assumed that it wasn't a big deal to you.
Finally, is this an exceptional case, or part of a pattern of insensitive and/or selfish behaviour on his part? Answer that question and you'll know whether or not he's right for you.
Most importantly, you should be talking to him (and people who know you as a couple and can give you a balanced perspective on the issue, as opposed to the "he sucks dump the asshole" type of thing), not the TERB lynch mob.
Wow, when BeeBee is the voice of reason in a thread, you know the world is a messed up place.bbking said:
Seriously, it's a bit disturbing how many people are trashing a guy, and advising a woman to end a four year relationship, based on a one paragraph (and in all fairness one-sided) account of a single incident in a relationship.
Some questions that you need to ask yourself (and/or him):
Is he close to his grandmother? Has he suffered the loss of someone close to him? Its possible that he simply didn't understand how much you needed him that night. As opposed to being a jerk, he may simply have been unable to emphasize or understand what you were going through. That doesn't excuse his insensitivity, but its also different than him just being a jerk.
Does he have difficulties confronting grief and/or death? Some people are just hopeless when it comes to these sorts of situations. I have a close friend who won't go to funerals. People often think that she's selfish or bitchy as a result, but the fact is, she just can't handle the emotion of other people facing death.
How old is he? Life experience plays a role in a person's ability to empathize with others. Again, that doesn't excuse his behaviour, but you need to factor that in.
How did you discuss the issue/your feelings when you first called him? Did you make it clear how much you needed him? How distraught you were? Too often, we expect our partners to implicitly understand our needs, instead of explicitly spelling them out. Then, when they misinterpret, we get pissed off and think that they're insensitive. If you acted calmly and didn't talk about how devastated you were by the loss, he may have just assumed that it wasn't a big deal to you.
Finally, is this an exceptional case, or part of a pattern of insensitive and/or selfish behaviour on his part? Answer that question and you'll know whether or not he's right for you.
Most importantly, you should be talking to him (and people who know you as a couple and can give you a balanced perspective on the issue, as opposed to the "he sucks dump the asshole" type of thing), not the TERB lynch mob.
Oh Girlfriend... Do I have a book for you to run out TODAY and buy. I read it in 2 days and it changed my whole perception on dating, relationships and men. I saw it on Oprah, it is a book that is written by 2 writers from 'Sex In The City' and it's called He's Just Not That Into You. This book is FARKING AMAZING!!! Oprah said every women needs to own a copy of this book and after reading it I believe EVERY WOMEN NEEDS TO OWN A COPY OF THIS BOOK. After the show aired I ran out to Chapters and bought it and read it in 2 days! I promise you won't be disappointed and the decision whether to dump him or not will become perfectly clear for you. *hugs*kat19 said:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...104-2206871-2750305?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Annessa
XOXO
I'm sorry for your loss Kat.
In your boyfriends defence, I think of myself as more logical than emotional. I've been married for over 10 years, throughout those years this type of thing has come up with my wife. It took a few years to actually sink in that it has nothing to do with the grandmother and everything to do with the fact that YOU are upset about it. It sounds to me like your bf is thinking logically when he should be thinking emotionally. This trait is most likely the same reason why he would not be bothered by your profession. I would think he is guilty of "not understanding" not a lack of "Caring".
I did a quick search on your postings and gathered you were a dancer, this opinion is based on that assumption.
In your boyfriends defence, I think of myself as more logical than emotional. I've been married for over 10 years, throughout those years this type of thing has come up with my wife. It took a few years to actually sink in that it has nothing to do with the grandmother and everything to do with the fact that YOU are upset about it. It sounds to me like your bf is thinking logically when he should be thinking emotionally. This trait is most likely the same reason why he would not be bothered by your profession. I would think he is guilty of "not understanding" not a lack of "Caring".
I did a quick search on your postings and gathered you were a dancer, this opinion is based on that assumption.
Re: Re: Re: should i dump him?
I second this. I was somewhat amazed that on the day after your Grandmother's passing you are worried about whether or not to dump the BF. Let yourself settle a bit, talk to some close friends and then see what happens with your BF.
I second this. I was somewhat amazed that on the day after your Grandmother's passing you are worried about whether or not to dump the BF. Let yourself settle a bit, talk to some close friends and then see what happens with your BF.
Sorry about for your loss!
Only you know what is the right course. My only advice is to follow what your heart tells you to do and you can never go wrong.
*We all have different needs but emotional support is important to me in all relationships including friendships.
Only you know what is the right course. My only advice is to follow what your heart tells you to do and you can never go wrong.
*We all have different needs but emotional support is important to me in all relationships including friendships.
