pre-divorce proceedings?

S

Steve Stifler

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Sep 9, 2006
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closet of the Pi Beta Pie Sorority House
Yo Homeys,

My best friend is in the beginning stages of going thru what will most likely turn out to be a pretty messy divorce.
I'm not talkin Paul MacCartney or Phil Collins messy...cos he's not as loaded as those guys....

He's hired a good lawyer.

I'm just concerned for him cos he's looking more and more like the victim in all this.
His main concern is I guess, his two lil boys (2 & 5), and his personal belongings.

WHAT SHOULD HE BE AWARE OF?!?! WHAT SHOULD HE FOCUS ON?

I could be wrong (highly doubt it though) that a lot of you guys out there have either been screwed or quite possible avoided being screwed by the ex in these divorces.

I just hate seeing my friend, literally in tears each time I've been talking to him lately.



thanks.
 
Been there, done that, wore out the T-shirt.

There is only one thing that will seem important to your friend in 10 or 20 years. Did he manage to maintain a relationship with his children? Did he do the best he could as a father? The heartache he feels now will be gone, but his children will not.

Take it from one of the grizzled vetereans... the money means nothing. The children and their best interests are the only thing that matters. Tell him to stop pissing and moaning over who gets possesion of the DVD collection and just be there for the kids.

Diggy.
 
Steve Stifler said:
He's hired a good lawyer.

I'm just concerned for him cos he's looking more and more like the victim in all this. His main concern is I guess, his two lil boys (2 & 5), and his personal belongings.

I just hate seeing my friend, literally in tears each time I've been talking to him lately.
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If he's hired a good lawyer that is the wisest step he can take. Then the two of them need to decide if the most productive strategy is collaborative or confrontational, certainly I'd almost always advise trying the former first and if that fails whether the collaborative lawyer is effective at confrontation or if instead they want to give a referal.

There is no doubt there is going to be a lot of pain involved. Having been through it myself I understand his pain and tears, although for me and perhaps for him the build-up was far sadder and troubling than after I'd finally realized that there was no way she was ever going to really attempt to make it work. And thank God that we hadn't yet had children (although I'd really like to have children.)

Sorry to hear about this:(
 
digitald said:
There is only one thing that will seem important to your friend in 10 or 20 years. Did he manage to maintain a relationship with his children? Did he do the best he could as a father? The heartache he feels now will be gone, but his children will not.
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Very wise and true advise - our children are our future and if he can strugle to have a good and loving relationship with them it can be amazing how they may feel as adults.
 
digitald said:
Been there, done that, wore out the T-shirt.

There is only one thing that will seem important to your friend in 10 or 20 years. Did he manage to maintain a relationship with his children? Did he do the best he could as a father? The heartache he feels now will be gone, but his children will not.

Take it from one of the grizzled vetereans... the money means nothing. The children and their best interests are the only thing that matters. Tell him to stop pissing and moaning over who gets possesion of the DVD collection and just be there for the kids.

Diggy.
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Excellent advice. Everything else can be replaced, his time with his children cannot.
 
Keep Girlfriends Away

Take my advice, girl friends will be envious of relationships with your children. Don't bring them on your dates till you know the girl well.
Girlfriends will try to dictate quality time. Also piss off former wife and cause grief.

Settle with wife quickley or 10 yrs of hell will be unleashed on you! Keep record of expenses yours and hers, children.

Lastley get rid of the fucking lawyers, they are nothing but bottom feeders!


Don't in the interm get any one pregnant, you just royaly have fucked yourself permantly!
 
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eldoguy said:
Take my advice, girl friends will be envious of relationships with your children. Don't bring them on your dates till you know the girl well.
Girlfriends will try to dictate quality time. Also piss off former wife and cause grief.

Settle with wife quickley or 10 yrs of hell will be unleashed on you! Keep record of expenses yours and hers, children.

Lastley get rid of the fucking lawyers, they are nothing but bottom feeders!
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There is only one good piece of advice here and that is to make sure you make records of everything. Every penny your buddy pays out, every minute of time spent with the kids.

The rest of the post is just moronic.

If she wants to play ball with him, that is fine, then a mutually satisfactory arrangement can be made and should be pursued. However, if it appears that a confrontational negotiation and protracted court proceeding is evident, then your buddy and his lawyer must adopt a "take no prisoners" mentality and approach.
 
Remember that YOU are entitled to half.

The biggest problem men have in divorce is they settle with the knowledge that the wife gets the house, the car, the kids etc. This is not the case, but it is a fight.

So fight for YOUR half. Half the time with the kids, and whatever it takes to do that. Half the house, so if she keeps its, she is buying YOU out. Half the assets, and half the debt. Show that you are willing to take on half the bad and demand half the good and you will have a much better chance of walking out of your divorce with what you deserve.

Record everything, get a support system of family and friends, be involved in all doctors' appointment, meet the teacher nights, reviewing report cards, etc.

For visitation, alternate each year for the holidays. Even years, you get x-mas, thanksgiving, Halloween, Easter, etc. Divide the long weekends in the summer. Divide everything down the middle.
 
OH I can't tell you how many guys I know that ended up royally screwed by a divorce. It almost seems like the courts and judges think that the woman is right and entitled to everything and more even if she's a drug addled, feeble minded adulteress and a terrible mother.

As much as I hate to say it: the person with the best lawyer wins. It's a shame because he's going to pay through the nose in legal fees (times 2 if she doesn't have a job) and may still end up getting screwed in the end.

One thing I can never figure out with divorces is why the parents fight so much over and around the kids. I mean, unless one of them cheated then just bury your feelings and deal with it like an adult.

The basic premise is: they add up the net worth of the couple, including all assets and then split it down the middle. This doesn't apply to any assets each party had prior to the marriage, those are still kept separate.

As for joint custody. I really don't think it's in the kid's best interest to have them live 2 weeks here, two weeks there etc. It's very unstable for school, friends etc. I also think the parent with the best ability to raise the kids properly and financially, should retain custody. That isn't necessarily the mother though the courts don't see it that way.

As stated, the rule of the day is COVER HIS ASS with Kevlar......
 
Rylan said:
Remember that YOU are entitled to half.
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Very true. However this is one of those cases where it works better in theory than in practice. The judge will always rule on what is in the best interest of the children, and if he/she feels that it is better for the kids to get more than half, that is how they will rule.

An excellent example of this was what I went through. I gave far more than half off the start, as I did feel that since my children were going to be living with my wife, they should have more of the comforts and luxuries of home. Divorce is difficult enough for the parents, but horrific for the children. Despite what my ex and I worked out, (a very fair arrangement that we both agreed to), the judge 'ordered' extras for the sake of my children. Shit, they never cost me $1700 a month while they were living under MY roof.

Am I bitter about this, damn right I am. This allowed my wife to remain in a house that I bought (as a stay at home mom), she does not have to declare this income (I do), she gets the baby bonuses, child care credits, etc. On top of this, she brought a boarder in the house for $700/month, and was working under the table at the time. Of course, the judge saw this is what she had to do "in order to survive". He did not care about keeping the house, the paid for car, the 3 trips taken per year, the nights out at the bar, the endless string of boyfriends. And somehow I couldn't prove that I was the more fit parent.

Yes, he might be entitled to half the assets at the time of breakup, but give it two years and see who is better off down the road and who has the greater assets then.
 
Find a lawyer that practices Collaborative Law and will put 100% of her/his effort into trying to negotiate a fair agreement...

If that becomes impossible, switch to someone good at the confrontational game... but never put out of sight that your objective is to get a deal that is fair to both.

And beware of any lawyer that is so adversarial that s/he miss openings and opportunities for a fair deal... or will so antagonize the other side that any deal becomes impossible... or will advise you to turn down a fair deal because s/he can "do better for you in Court"... and will fight to your last dollar!

And, throughout, this is one situation in which you must beware becoming penny wise and pound foolish.

Perry
 
Perry Mason said:
Find a lawyer that practices Collaborative Law and will put 100% of her/his effort into trying to negotiate a fair agreement...

If that becomes impossible, switch to someone good at the confrontational game... but never put out of sight that your objective is to get a deal that is fair to both.

And beware of any lawyer that is so adversarial that s/he miss openings and opportunities for a fair deal... or will so antagonize the other side that any deal becomes impossible... or will advise you to turn down a fair deal because s/he can "do better for you in Court"... and will fight to your last dollar!

And, throughout, this is one situation in which you must beware becoming penny wise and pound foolish.

Perry
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This is great advice. If you can use some form of mediation to get a settlement you will end up better off. You would be amazed at the magic that mediation can work.
Some other suggestions:
Property doesn't matter, stuff can be replaced. I knew a couple who wasted over $1000 in lawyer's fees arguing over a microwave.
Don't use your lawyer as a sounding board or call him all the time to tell him what outrageous thing the ex is doing. Each phone call costs you big money.
Get over your ex, she ain't coming back and yes she is blowing that sleazeball boyfriend of hers (probably rimming him too.)
Don't take any action because you feel bad or guilty. Listen to your lawyer.
The faster you get through it the faster you will heal.
 
I have quite a few friends who are single fathers, and some who do split the time 2 weeks a month(granted you have both parents living in the same school district), because it is joint custody, no child support is order, etc half the medical, dental, school supplies, etc.

What did these guys do? They didn't give up the fight. They didn't get into he said/she said bullshit and just exercised their rights. One thing that helped is some did not leave the family home, but instead stayed in another room until the separation agreement was made. They also filed first.

A1, I have read some of what you have written here and in other threads, and while I believe that you did get screwed, I can honestly say that I think(strictly from what I have read) there were and still are things you can do to better your situation. This is why I say, fight your your half right from the beginning. Now with her being at home mom - it makes it a little more difficult. I understand this, but for all the new guys going through this, hopefully they learn from your mistakes. You thought you were doing the gentlemanly thing by leaving and giving her the house, the car etc. This was the first and biggest mistake that you made. Which I think you see now. Once you choose to divorce, then you have no reason to be "nice" anymore. I know it sounds cruel, but that is the reality of the situation.
 
ps...

...and beware getting trapped in that often inexorable cycle that goes something like this:

Ceremony --> Matrimony --> Acrimony --> All the money! :(

Perry
 
Tell him to follow the advice my grandfather gave me but I did not follow.


A good woman is hard to find

































































When yo bury her right. :cool:
 
Focus on the kids... let the farking lawyers worry about the rest of it.

OTB
 
Rylan said:
A1, I have read some of what you have written here and in other threads, and while I believe that you did get screwed, I can honestly say that I think(strictly from what I have read) there were and still are things you can do to better your situation. This is why I say, fight your your half right from the beginning. Now with her being at home mom - it makes it a little more difficult. I understand this, but for all the new guys going through this, hopefully they learn from your mistakes. You thought you were doing the gentlemanly thing by leaving and giving her the house, the car etc. This was the first and biggest mistake that you made. Which I think you see now. Once you choose to divorce, then you have no reason to be "nice" anymore. I know it sounds cruel, but that is the reality of the situation.
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You are right, I did get screwed, but so be it. My kids and I have a great relationship and nothing else matters. I could have fought, but I did not have the time, energy or money to do so. So it is what it is. Once in a while it pisses me off, but most days I don't think about it anymore.
 
a 1 player said:
You are right, I did get screwed, but so be it. My kids and I have a great relationship and nothing else matters. I could have fought, but I did not have the time, energy or money to do so. So it is what it is. Once in a while it pisses me off, but most days I don't think about it anymore.
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The thing about it is: what do you mean YOU didn't have the money? If SHE had the money then whatever you wanted to spend should have come from the assets of the couple.

OH shit, just thought of something:

FIRST thing he should do is stop any direct deposits into the joint bank account IMMEDIATELY
Second thing he should do is get a current balance and remove half that money IMMEDIATELY. Put it into another account and don't touch it and keep a record of what the balance was when he withdrew the money.
 
Perry Mason said:
Find a lawyer that practices Collaborative Law and will put 100% of her/his effort into trying to negotiate a fair agreement...

If that becomes impossible, switch to someone good at the confrontational game... but never put out of sight that your objective is to get a deal that is fair to both.
Click to expand...
I entirely agree, in fact I wrote so above :)
 
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