Post about how awesome you are
- Thread starter SilentLeviathan
- Start date
Whatever you do..never...never and I mean never drop the soap in a cave, especially if there is a bear around..funsmartguy said:
So yesterday I'm freezing in a TTC bus stop shelter. I'm in a nice neighbourhood so the floor of the shelter is soaked with a higher grade of urine than I'm used to smelling. The fine glassware that passes wind right through it was defaced with posters about quickie divorces, driving lessons, overnight degrees in computer-science and some boo-hoo claptrap about contributing to charities for kids without christmas presents.
The new shelters already have enough going for them without these additions. After all, the oversized map with the tiny print and no lighting is only enhanced by the freakishly oversized poster of scary man-woman Elvira Kurt. Also in tiny print along the top rim there are invitations to report vandals in exchange for a 500 dollar reward and to feel free to clean the shelter of any hanbills or posters.
Well you dont have to ask me twice. Kids without presents will hardly notice the difference, off it goes. Learn to drive? Would I be in a bus shelter if I cared about cars? rip! Quickie divorce? What's the point if I can't make it long and painful for both of us? 9 years and still processing! Shred and crumple! Now standing with a giant ball of paper and tape, with the bus approaching do I litter, or risk missing the bus to carry it to the triple tiered trash sorting monolith standing two blocks away from the stop for my convenience?
Neither choice is acceptable, so I tighten the paper wad, hold it out in front of me and drop it. Before it hits the ground, a mighty kick carries it past the crowd. It deflects off the side sport-mirror of a passing Lexus, bounces off the surface of a DOSE newsbox and circles the rim of the recycle section of the trash monument not once, not twice, but three times and gently drops in as my bus speeds off with me holding onto the handrail for dear life, grateful that I have a free hand considering my recent close call.
Now if that isn't awesome, what is?
The new shelters already have enough going for them without these additions. After all, the oversized map with the tiny print and no lighting is only enhanced by the freakishly oversized poster of scary man-woman Elvira Kurt. Also in tiny print along the top rim there are invitations to report vandals in exchange for a 500 dollar reward and to feel free to clean the shelter of any hanbills or posters.
Well you dont have to ask me twice. Kids without presents will hardly notice the difference, off it goes. Learn to drive? Would I be in a bus shelter if I cared about cars? rip! Quickie divorce? What's the point if I can't make it long and painful for both of us? 9 years and still processing! Shred and crumple! Now standing with a giant ball of paper and tape, with the bus approaching do I litter, or risk missing the bus to carry it to the triple tiered trash sorting monolith standing two blocks away from the stop for my convenience?
Neither choice is acceptable, so I tighten the paper wad, hold it out in front of me and drop it. Before it hits the ground, a mighty kick carries it past the crowd. It deflects off the side sport-mirror of a passing Lexus, bounces off the surface of a DOSE newsbox and circles the rim of the recycle section of the trash monument not once, not twice, but three times and gently drops in as my bus speeds off with me holding onto the handrail for dear life, grateful that I have a free hand considering my recent close call.
Now if that isn't awesome, what is?
Were you not supposed to be over in the outcall section luring the Sheik over there so I can post nasties about him over here?A-ROD said:I am more awesomer than Bear
So I go to my neighbour's garage to borrow an 11mm crescent wrench. At first the poor skinny bearded chain smoker has trouble opening the door because the garage is jammed full of boxes and tools of every description all bearing the mastercraft and motomaster logos on them.
Nervously he digs through the mess describing every item along the way. "Why use a crescent wrench when you can turn your bolts with my new Motomastercraftamatic gas powered bolt turning can opening chain saw?"
"Seems dangerous to me, just the wrench please" I reply. More digging, more rustling of packages and he emerges with a six handled multi-tooled gadget he calls his Craftmaster all-in-one tool of the week. Turns bolts and nuts of any size and makes Julienne fries while satisfying the wife -- and all from the comfort of your rider mower/snow plow combo tractor
Seeing the maniacal look of panic in his eyes as I turn down yet another useless piece of junk, he starts to fidget nervously as he scans the room for something else... Finally I grab his lapels and shake him and say, "look Fred Penner! You have a problem! It's called pathological consumerism and you need therapy!"
"Why get therapy when you can just turn to the good book?" he twitches. "Oh well yes I suppose turning to religion is a good outlet, I've found comfort in the bible myself", I respond. "Bible?!" he chortles "No no I mean the 2005-2006 Canadian Tire Winter-Spring Catalogue" This baby has all the answers? Are you cold and hungry? Get a coleman heater, BBQ, seat warmer, flame thrower! Tired? Why sleep in your old fashioned bed when you can get an inflatable queen sized porta-bed complete with puke green comforter? That way you can sleep near all your precious tools and gadgets and noone can come between you and them! Noone! They're out there I tell you. Waiting! Waiting to seperate me from the ones I love. The ones that mean the most to me..."
I can see my poor neighbour has gone over the edge, so my instincts kick in. I finally realize what I have to do. "OK Mr. Keaton, show me what you're using for lights this Christmas while I fill up my bic lighter from your sixteen-setting gasoline pump with matching six gallon cannister" In fact don't light them until I've had a chance to step back and review them in all their glory. Oops silly me I seem to have spilled some gasoline let me go get a rag, and meanwhile you show me those lights when I get to the end of your driveway.
The resulting explosion did leave me with a slight ringing in my ears, but ultimately I put the poor guy out of his misery and hopefully yours too. That's just the kind of awesome guy I am.
Does anyone have an 11mm crescent wrench I can borrow?
Nervously he digs through the mess describing every item along the way. "Why use a crescent wrench when you can turn your bolts with my new Motomastercraftamatic gas powered bolt turning can opening chain saw?"
"Seems dangerous to me, just the wrench please" I reply. More digging, more rustling of packages and he emerges with a six handled multi-tooled gadget he calls his Craftmaster all-in-one tool of the week. Turns bolts and nuts of any size and makes Julienne fries while satisfying the wife -- and all from the comfort of your rider mower/snow plow combo tractor
Seeing the maniacal look of panic in his eyes as I turn down yet another useless piece of junk, he starts to fidget nervously as he scans the room for something else... Finally I grab his lapels and shake him and say, "look Fred Penner! You have a problem! It's called pathological consumerism and you need therapy!"
"Why get therapy when you can just turn to the good book?" he twitches. "Oh well yes I suppose turning to religion is a good outlet, I've found comfort in the bible myself", I respond. "Bible?!" he chortles "No no I mean the 2005-2006 Canadian Tire Winter-Spring Catalogue" This baby has all the answers? Are you cold and hungry? Get a coleman heater, BBQ, seat warmer, flame thrower! Tired? Why sleep in your old fashioned bed when you can get an inflatable queen sized porta-bed complete with puke green comforter? That way you can sleep near all your precious tools and gadgets and noone can come between you and them! Noone! They're out there I tell you. Waiting! Waiting to seperate me from the ones I love. The ones that mean the most to me..."
I can see my poor neighbour has gone over the edge, so my instincts kick in. I finally realize what I have to do. "OK Mr. Keaton, show me what you're using for lights this Christmas while I fill up my bic lighter from your sixteen-setting gasoline pump with matching six gallon cannister" In fact don't light them until I've had a chance to step back and review them in all their glory. Oops silly me I seem to have spilled some gasoline let me go get a rag, and meanwhile you show me those lights when I get to the end of your driveway.
The resulting explosion did leave me with a slight ringing in my ears, but ultimately I put the poor guy out of his misery and hopefully yours too. That's just the kind of awesome guy I am.
Does anyone have an 11mm crescent wrench I can borrow?
