Porn Ultimatum

[Rain Man]

Hi All and welcome to my first post...I need some help please!

I have been seeing a girl for three months. At the beginning of Lent she told me that she was going up chocolate and alcohol until Easter. Even though I am not Catholic I decided to observe the occasion and give up my biggest vice, downloading new porn (it takes up a lot of my time and I’m very busy).

She had thought that I had given that up when I met her and she gave me an ultimatum: no more porn, or no more her. She feels hurt that I look at porn and she feels that if I care about her, I wouldn’t do something that hurts her.

I don’t really want to lose her and I don’t want to do anything to hurt her or do anything behind her back, but I really enjoy porn and would hate to give it up. That’s my dilemma; I’d appreciate your advice.

 

[Iconic One]

Dude - after 3 months is no time to start giving ultimatums. This goes both ways, so don't give her any either. Relationship killers, I say. About porn, well I think you should counter with some studies on the benefits of porn (not kiddie, no animals, those sort of restrictions). Just keep googling until you find a few in your favour. I'm pretty sure you've got Oprah on your side, or Tyra for sure! At the end of the day, just say porn stays and see what she does. That's the problem with ultimatums, they're absolutes. You really shouldn't use them if you don't want your bluff called. If she leaves, well maybe you're better off. Just send her a note after a week, re-explaining your position, and see if there's any common ground left. Ok, that's my best advice on the subject.

 

[Jimmy Beam]

Is she hot and does she swallow?

 

[nosidam]

Three months and she's already given you ultimatums? Wow! I'll stick to porn.

 

[Hard Idle]

Is this more because she is morally and philosophically revolted by porn (and by extension, anyone who cnsumes it) or is it more of a power issue rooted in controling the other person's sexuality and the general predisposition to extracting concessions?

I only ask because the first reason is a legitimate personal preference while the second is just a reflection of a person who is incapable of love without ownership. But either way, are you really compatable with such a person?

I'd say you are wrong for each other. For either of you to stay in the relationship (at least on a serious level) you would be doingit for the wrong reasons and would require both of you to be dishonest with each other.

If you are struggling with the thought of giving up porn now, when the infatuation is fresh and hot, can you imagine how tough it will be in a few years? You will come to resent her for it. If you go behind her back, it will make you a fake and a cheat and she will eventually find out and resent you for it.

But I could be wrong. If it's important enough for you to trully embrace the change she is insisting on, then go ahead and do it. But once you do, you no longer have the right to go back and claim it was unfair or unreasonable once you agreed to it...

 

[freestuff]

I guess she doesn't know about your other "hobby." LOL.
Yeah, but does she realize that she's hurting you by denying you access to something that brings you pleasure?
Did you have a frank discussion about her objections with respect to porn? Maybe she just has some misconceptions about it. If that's the case, maybe you two can sit down together and watch a movie together. If it's a feminist argument (i.e. porn is bad for women), then there's probably nothing that you can say to persuade her. Then it's up to you to choose. But I would be leery of entering into a relationship with a woman who uses the ultimatum technique so early in the relationship. What's going to be next? Dress this way or I'm out?
Or you could do what a lot of married guys do around here and lie to her that you stopped but look at porn somewhere else.
GL whatever you do.

 

[jiiimmm]

You don't have to give up anything. Just stop telling her!

 

[rgkv]

tell her you will give it up....on 1 condition, she watch 1 hour with you
Pick out a good one or two where the girl gets really turned on.
maybe "BINGO", if not, well thats up to you........

 

[buttercup]

Dude - after 3 months is no time to start giving ultimatums. This goes both ways, so don't give her any either. Relationship killers, I say. About porn, well I think you should counter with some studies on the benefits of porn (not kiddie, no animals, those sort of restrictions).

What's wrong with animals?

No, seriously. I guess the lady is not turned on by porn -- or not by endless porn, as it seems to be in the OP's case.
I don't see this as somerthing heavy. Not even as an ultimatum, really. She only wants him to give up porn for lent, for gods sake.
Why not try it? She's giving up chocolate, and she thinks he regards porn the way she regards chocolate. She hopes once he sees he's OK, giving it up for a month, then he'll give it up permanantly.
Give it a try, for lent. See how you feel after.

 

[Rain Man]

I guess she doesn't know about your other "hobby." LOL.

No, I tend to live vicariously through you guys, I don’t get to hobby much. 

Yeah, but does she realize that she's hurting you by denying you access to something that brings you pleasure?

I don’t think she cares.

Did you have a frank discussion about her objections with respect to porn? Maybe she just has some misconceptions about it. If that's the case, maybe you two can sit down together and watch a movie together. If it's a feminist argument (i.e. porn is bad for women), then there's probably nothing that you can say to persuade her. Then it's up to you to choose. But I would be leery of entering into a relationship with a woman who uses the ultimatum technique so early in the relationship. What's going to be next? Dress this way or I'm out?

Her problem is more personal than philosophical. She has issues with her own body image...I wonder what will be next too, it’s like I’m dealing with a terrorist and if I give in to one demand what will be next?

Or you could do what a lot of married guys do around here and lie to her that you stopped but look at porn somewhere else.
GL whatever you do.

Just once, I’d like to have a relationship where I can be honest.

Is this more because she is morally and philosophically revolted by porn (and by extension, anyone who cnsumes it) or is it more of a power issue rooted in controling the other person's sexuality and the general predisposition to extracting concessions?

I only ask because the first reason is a legitimate personal preference while the second is just a reflection of a person who is incapable of love without ownership. But either way, are you really compatable with such a person?

I don’t think it’s either. I think it’s because I told her that I like really petite girls and she’s not that petite, but she’s still very attractive and I enjoy the chemistry that her and I share.

Three months and she's already given you ultimatums? Wow! I'll stick to porn.

Yep, porn has been in life for years and we haven’t had a disagreement yet!

Is she hot and does she swallow?

She’s attractive and I’m the only guy that she’s ever swallowed.

Dude - after 3 months is no time to start giving ultimatums. This goes both ways, so don't give her any either. Relationship killers, I say. About porn, well I think you should counter with some studies on the benefits of porn (not kiddie, no animals, those sort of restrictions). Just keep googling until you find a few in your favour. I'm pretty sure you've got Oprah on your side, or Tyra for sure! At the end of the day, just say porn stays and see what she does. That's the problem with ultimatums, they're absolutes. You really shouldn't use them if you don't want your bluff called. If she leaves, well maybe you're better off. Just send her a note after a week, re-explaining your position, and see if there's any common ground left. Ok, that's my best advice on the subject.

She is an Oprah devotee, so hopefully I can find some support there. I like your advice. I’ll see how that goes.

You don't have to give up anything. Just stop telling her!

I’d just really like to be honest in a relationship for a change, and she should except me as I am.

 

[Rain Man]

tell her you will give it up....on 1 condition, she watch 1 hour with you
Pick out a good one or two where the girl gets really turned on.
maybe "BINGO", if not, well thats up to you........

No, she just doesn't want me getting off to anyone but her.

What's wrong with animals?

No, seriously. I guess the lady is not turned on by porn -- or not by endless porn, as it seems to be in the OP's case.
I don't see this as somerthing heavy. Not even as an ultimatum, really. She only wants him to give up porn for lent, for gods sake.
Why not try it? She's giving up chocolate, and she thinks he regards porn the way she regards chocolate. She hopes once he sees he's OK, giving it up for a month, then he'll give it up permanantly.
Give it a try, for lent. See how you feel after.

No, it was me that decided to give it up for Lent and she expects me to give it up permanently.

 

[Aardvark154]

One significant factor is that women are in general, not particularly turned on by porn. However, a number of psychological studies have shown that they get the same sort of stimulation of the brain from reading "Bodice rippers" that men do from watching porn.

Yet porn has a negative image while “Bodice rippers” do not.

Oh by the way welcome to TERB Rainman.

 

[Rain Man]

One significant factor is that women are in general, not particularly turned on by porn. However, a number of psychological studies have shown that they get the same sort of stimulation of the brain from reading "Bodice rippers" that men do from watching porn.

Yet porn has a negative image while “Bodice rippers” do not.

Oh by the way welcome to TERB Rainman.

Thank you Aardvark

 

[jiiimmm]

I’d just really like to be honest in a relationship for a change, and she should except me as I am.

[/QUOTE]


You don't have to lie to her, Just don't feel the need to share everything with her. Your entitled to your own guilty pleasures.

 

[tboy]

I can't believe the OP is coming HERE asking for relationship advice...I mean HOW dumb is he?

no offence dude but this is the WRONG place to be asking....

(and for the record, I say give it up (the porn). If the relationship doesn't work, porn will still be there, but will SHE be if you don't???)

 

[alexmst]

" I think it’s because I told her that I like really petite girls and she’s not that petite, but she’s still very attractive and I enjoy the chemistry that her and I share."

Ok, that was your mistake - don't tell your non-petite new gf that you really like a body type she isn't. What she hears is you wanting to watch porn because you prefer (physically) the petite porn stars to her, which makes her feel dejected. So to 'eliminate the competition' she wants to ban porn from your life. It would have been better to say you liked porn without saying why. Since that cat is out of the bag, I guess you should either give it up and pursue the relationship, or secretly watch porn on the side and not tell her.

 

[Jimmy Beam]

Does anyone else find giving up porn for lent really funny?

I could use that in my stand up routine LOL.

 

[poker]

I can't believe the OP is coming HERE asking for relationship advice...I mean HOW dumb is he?

no offence dude but this is the WRONG place to be asking....

(and for the record, I say give it up (the porn). If the relationship doesn't work, porn will still be there, but will SHE be if you don't???)

Thank you.... i don't always agree with you.... but you stole my response. (although, I would have said how dumb is that....)

Its only porn... there is nothing out there you haven't already seen.... there are no new parts on girls.... you'll live.


cheers!

 

[freestuff]

This isn't the first question about relationships raised in TERB and it certainly won't be the last. I agree with you that this is not the place to ask but he did so we're giving him worthless cents.
You said it yourself: "I’d just really like to be honest in a relationship for a change, and she should except me as I am." You're a guy who likes to watch porn. If she's not ok with that and doesn't care that she's hurting you, then this is probably not the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
BTW you should tell her to stop reading romance novels (women equivalent of porn).

 

[BohemianArtist]

Negotiate. Tell her you'll give up porn but only if she'll have sex with you any time you want, in any way you want. And she has to give up romance novels. How does she feel about masturbation? She want you to give that up to?

She'll respect you more if you stand up to her.

Also, do what women do. Turn the dispute around and make it all about her, putting her on the defensive. Tell her you couldn't care less about the porn but you're absolutely shocked and horrified beyond belief at her giving you an ultimatum like that and you really don't think you can be with a woman who acts that way.