Please help!

[Bobzilla]

About 6 weeks ago, I met a woman. We had the mutual attraction thing going, & got along well otherwise. Great sex, enjoyed each other's company, the whole thing. Less than 1 hour ago, I found out she's an SP (specifically, independent MP). She had led me to believe that she was a nurse. Don't ask me how I found about it, because for all I know, she could be a member of this board, and I don't want to air any details. Suffice it to say, there's no doubt in my mind whatsoever, ie., this isn't a mistake. I was on my way to being in love with this woman, and I know that she loves me, but...what do I do now?

It's not that I object to SP's (obviously). It's that I don't like being lied to. My personal philosophy is complete honesty in relationships. I've left work for the day because I feel like I got kicked in the stomach by a horse. I haven't called her yet, & probably won't until after 6 p.m. For the record, since I met her, I haven't been with anyone else, but she & I have had unprotected sex (another lovely thought).

Does anyone have any suggestions/advice?


Bobzilla

 

[Bobzilla]

Kiarra:

Thanks for the advice...I know I have to tell her, just not exactly looking forward to it, if you know what I mean. All along she's said how lucky she is to finally meet a nice guy...and also that she doesn't deal in B.S....was just reading the "nice guys finish last" part of the "What a woman wants" thread because I don't have enough irony in my life...

Badnick: Actually, I said "I was on my way to being in love with her". If I can't deal, now's the time to cut the ties.

I think what bothers me most is that I don't open up to people easily, and I did with her...

 

[midLifeCrisis]

DISCLAIMER: When it comes to giving relationship advice, I am in much the same position as one of G.B.Shaw's critics: a legless man who teaches running.

I once knew an MP who WAS a nurse ... but she wanted the freedom of setting her own hours, being the boss of her own little company and found she could go into "nurse mode" with an unattractive man and ... otherwise with attractive ones.

Industry women are in a bad position vis a vis telling the truth about their work with a new flame: damned if they do, damned if they don't. You will obviously keep all the details of what she said to yourself - and only you can make the decision as to what you really want and what to do next.

BUT: let things settle for a few days. Give yourself some time until the shock is over and you can think straight. The last thing you want to do is talk to her about it when you're upset. If you're supposed to be seeing her shortly, leave a message for her and tell her you're ill, you're depressed, you're no use to anybody for the next few days, but you'll be in touch soon (that's only the truth!).

Then write her a letter: a real letter, not eMail (eMail's too informal and meaningless ... to me, I don't know what others might think!). Tell her what you know and how you feel - in much the same way you've done here.

Then wait a few days so SHE can get over the shock and decide what SHE really wants.

Then call. Best wishes.

 

[Goober Mcfly]

Any contact info? Restrictions? Rates? Pics?









Oh, dear sweet Lord, I'm going to hell for that one...

 

[midLifeCrisis]

Great advice midlife, truly great advice!

I'm good at the theoretical part, anyway!

 

[Bobzilla]

Midlife & Kiarra:

Thanks for the help & support.

Goober:

I like your sense of humour & have said so in the past...no offense taken, I actually laughed...after a few minutes.

 

[mmm61318]

I have a problem with this from the start.

I see a probelm that this relationship was based on a lie. She could even be honest with you from the begining.

Where can a relationship go from here, when it started on a lie.....

A hard act to follow

 

[mmm61318]

Sheik you are quite right...

But,.... it is one thing for a strong relationship to have a lie during the relationship ( we should all talk)..

but there is a difference here, she mislead him from the start, it wasn't just that she didn't tell him something.......she told him something else altogether.

big difference

 

[Bobzilla]

mmm61318:

That's my major problem with this whole thing. As for me, as I said, I haven't been with anyone else since we started seeing each other, including any SP. As I also said, I don't trust people easily, and maybe some of my hurt/anger is also directed toward myself, for falling for it....

 

[homonger]

I don't know about this lying thing. Based on the story, it sounds like she told him she was a nurse. This sounds like a perfectly plausible thing to tell someone, especially early on in a relationship. It's not like Bobzilla asked her if she was an sp, and she lied and said no.

Was she not entirely honest? Yes. But is it an understandable, and more importantly, forgiveable transgression? I'd say yes also. How you feel about her is the most important thing.

 

[Goober Mcfly]

She shoulda said she was in the "service industry". *nudge, nudge*

 

[MuffinMuncher]

Mixed feelings

On one hand, you are entirely correct that a relationship should never start out on a foundation of lies and deceipt, and that trust, communication and respect are essential components of a healthy relationship.

However, being a hobbiest, you of all people should appreciate how nervous this woman must be about telling you the truth. How many men can be open-minded about dating an SP/MPA, accept their job and the conditions that accompany it?

Sheik also has a point that its a tad bit hypocritical for you to judge her based on her profession, yet you frequent establishments and providers in her industry. How confident would you be in telling her what you did with your spare time had you not known her profession? I highly doubt you would have volunteered that piece of info!

I honestly do sympathize with your position. My advise is to accept her for who she is... without labelling her based on her job, race, age, or any other attribute. Tell her you know her secret, volunteer your own, establish some common ground, have a good laugh and move on.

If you play this right, you will be one of the few men she has ever dated who can understand her and comfort her after a particularly rough day at the office!

 

[onthebottom]

Look her in the eye

Bobzilla,

My value priced free advice is to look her in the eye (don't hide behind any other form of communication) and ask her. Don't tell her you know, ask her. If she throws something at you then (duck) either your wrong or you haven’t found the right girl. If she breaks down and tells you all about it your on the right track.

In six weeks your not going to know everything about a person. Does she know you do this? Has she ever had an abortion..... She may very well be a nurse.

We all hate confrontation, that's likely why she's in this position (afraid to tell you). But things rarely get better with time. Buy a nice bottle of wine, open it and start talking.

And let us know how it goes.

As with Mid Life Crisis, I'm better at this in the theoretical arena than my own life.

Goober, I'm ashamed to say I LMAO, you nearly owe me a new keyboard.

OTB

 

[widowmaker]

Maybe try to put yourself in her shoes, would you be telling some one you just started a relationship with that you are an sp. If the answer is yes then you have a problem, but if you would wait to see where things lead, before saying anything then you can't come down to hard on her. Life is about learning and this is going to be a painful experience. Go with your heart.

P.S. GooberMcFly are you a proffessional relationship expert.LOL.

 

[Bboy]

Maybe try to put yourself in her shoes, would you be telling some one you just started a relationship with that you are an sp. If the answer is yes then you have a problem, but if you would wait to see where things lead, before saying anything then you can't come down to hard on her. Life is about learning and this is going to be a painful experience. Go with your heart.

P.S. GooberMcFly are you a proffessional relationship expert.LOL.

First off I have to say to Bobzilla that I can relate on some level as to what your going through. My last 'relationship' ended over my feeling betrayed by a woman whom I thought I knew. And whom I trusted as a friend to be straight with me from the start, turned out that trust was missplaced.
Still widowmaker has made a point here. Assuming that she is in love with you it must be weighing very heavily on her that she has not told you what she does. Undoubtably going through her own hell. Now, from the above, I'm not making excuses for her actions - I'm the last one to excuse someone not being honest in a relationship.
I think the earlier wisdom of waiting until your calmer and your thoughts are organized before you respond is good advice. In fact that's exactly what I did in my situation, and then as advised; I wrote a very direct letter - and placed the ball in her court.
I won't say what happened, all situations are different, but I do think that this was the best way to go and I reccomend it for you as well.
Best of luck. A lie of omission is still a lie. It's still just as much a betrayal of trust. Now what is she going to do about it, and to what extent are you willing to make it work.
Again you have my best wishes.

 

[Garrett]

I was once involved with a woman who hid a *major* part of her life from me. I found out accidentally (you do not need to know the details) and simply set things up so that she would have to tell me. It was very clear that this had been eating at her for weeks and she was too afraid of losing me to ever tell me.

If her being an SP is not a problem, I would not assume she is willingly deceiving you at this point. She may *want* to tell you, it just seems too impossible for her to do it (and lets face it, you really need to know yourself to know if you can deal with this long term). I would view the unprotected sex as the scariest aspect, but that pretty much holds for any woman I only knew for a few weeks.

Go slow and be smart... and good luck.

 

[DavidO]

Nurses and SPs

Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but I do know one woman who is both a nurse and an SP. Don't bother asking who she is, I won't even tell you what *continent* she's on.

She is, however, a really wonderful person.

DavidO

 

[Bobzilla]

Update:

What ended up happening is this: she called me in the late afternoon, saying she wanted to come over to my place & talk. I said OK, because by that time, I had calmed down quite a bit. Since my work requires detachment from my emotions much of the time, I tried to engage my "work face" for this...she showed up, and what she wanted to talk about was "where our relationship was going". She wanted exclusivity, I indicated I wanted this, too. I had previously told her I wasn't going to jump right into anything too serious, and she had respected that. She now told me that her feelings had grown to the extent that she didn't want to scare me away by being too serious, but by the same token, wants me to herself. Since that's what I wanted too, I agreed.

Now...I brought it up, the whole thing, how I found out, EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, I can't give you all the details of her explanation, but suffice it to say that she is NOT an MP. There are other parties involved, & I know it's not a satisfactory explanation to all who have read this thread, but I believe her.

 

[Bobzilla]

cont'd

I am used to having to judge people to the hairsbreadth for lying, both in person & over the phone, and while my judgment may have been impaired by my personal involvement to a degree, I believe her. The explanation she offered is not one I would have ever thought of. It is not only possible, but plausible. Again, apologies for the lack of detail, I know it's maybe frustrating for everything who has followed it.

Bottom line, we're together, happy & monogamous, and have been all along.

Thanks everyone for your support & (for the most part) well-thought out posts, and Goober, you were goin' to hell long before this thread hit the board!

Regards,

Bobzilla

 

[Goober Mcfly]

...Since my work requires detachment from my emotions much of the time...I am used to having to judge people to the hairsbreadth for lying, both in person & over the phone...

Thanks Bobzilla, for the kind words about me going to hell. Glad things are working out.

I'm starting a pool over what Bobzilla does for a living. The clues are above.

I think he's a tax collector for Revenue Canada. Anyone? Bueller?