Open Relationship - How did you do it

[wild4sex]

Been with my SO for 20 years and don't really want separate for various reasons. My sex drive is not compatible with hers and hence I seek out encounters with escorts. So far this has been a secret although she may suspect something.
I'm not sure this is sustainable in the long term. Maybe an open relationship where she knows what I'm doing would be better. Maybe she should know about my FWB. Now I know some of you have open relationships with your SO so I have some questions for you:

- what were your circumstances?
- how was the subject broached and how did that play out?
- is it working out for both of you?

I'm somewhat afraid. Playing this wrong could cause the relationship to explode when really I want to make it better.

Thanks

 

[Goodoer]

I'm subscribing to this thread. I'm in a similar boat with less years in. I've had zero progress.

 

[Butler1000]

So I really think you need to think carefully on this one. Are there kids involved?

As long as you are discrete, take care of your shit at home(sex with her, treat her right) then the only thing that is an issue appesrs to be your own guilt.

I reconciled mine long ago. I don't allow the hobby to ever interfere in my relationship. It always comes first. Don't let your sexual impulses be the driving force to your life. Treat it as it should be if all is well other than wanting a bit on the side. As just that, I bit on the side.

I'm pretty sure you will lose the relationship. If she doesn't have a high sex drive now do you really think she will understand. Couples in open relationships tend to BOTH want variety. That's the ones that work.

 

[Viggo Rasmussen]

Nobody knows how your wife will react, you won't get a useful answer from other people's situations.
Probably best to continue with the secrecy.

 

[Marla]

Been with my SO for 20 years and don't really want separate for various reasons. My sex drive is not compatible with hers and hence I seek out encounters with escorts. So far this has been a secret although she may suspect something.
I'm not sure this is sustainable in the long term. Maybe an open relationship where she knows what I'm doing would be better. Maybe she should know about my FWB. Now I know some of you have open relationships with your SO so I have some questions for you:

- what were your circumstances?
- how was the subject broached and how did that play out?
- is it working out for both of you?

I'm somewhat afraid. Playing this wrong could cause the relationship to explode when really I want to make it better.

Thanks

If you want a female perspective, don't ever tell your wife and keep the two separate. A lot of wives don't appreciate your testosterone and expect you to be faithful and I think she will hit the roof or worse. Wives expect and are under the false assumption of monogamy. Let her stay in her fantasy as it makes her stable and confident. The worse thing you could to is to blow up her myth. It would make her feel inadequate, unloved, used, betrayed, less desired, less happy within the marriage- it would have devastating consequences.

 

[George The Curious]

I've had pleasure of fucking many of my friend's gfs and wives, sometimes they watch. please PM me if you are interested in my service.

 

[tony plata]

Great advice Marla.

 

[IRIS]

Lots of women are really understandable, when they hear a same story about someone else. Their behavior will change rapidly, when it's happen with them. Few of them will understand your situation, but they won't trust you anymore if they know you did it already without their permission. If you happy with your partner don't play russian roulette. Maybe your guilty feeling will be gone but maybe your OP too. Just not worth it.

 

[Carling]

I've had pleasure of fucking many of my friend's gfs and wives, sometimes they watch. please PM me if you are interested in my service.

lol good one

 

[TeasePlease]

If you want a female perspective, don't ever tell your wife and keep the two separate. A lot of wives don't appreciate your testosterone and expect you to be faithful and I think she will hit the roof or worse. Wives expect and are under the false assumption of monogamy. Let her stay in her fantasy as it makes her stable and confident. The worse thing you could to is to blow up her myth. It would make her feel inadequate, unloved, used, betrayed, less desired, less happy within the marriage- it would have devastating consequences.

Good points. Women have egos, just the same as men.

Couples will seek an open relationship when they want to wander, but convince themselves that the still love each other. Once the facade of intimacy is gone, it's like living with a roommate, or friends sharing a house. Someone eventually gets hurts.

 

[Shakeandbake]

If you want a female perspective, don't ever tell your wife and keep the two separate. A lot of wives don't appreciate your testosterone and expect you to be faithful and I think she will hit the roof or worse. Wives expect and are under the false assumption of monogamy. Let her stay in her fantasy as it makes her stable and confident. The worse thing you could to is to blow up her myth. It would make her feel inadequate, unloved, used, betrayed, less desired, less happy within the marriage- it would have devastating consequences.

I agree 100% its either all or nothing and since you started the relationship with a monogamous arrangement then best to keep playing that role

 

[MadonnaLove]

It's a lot easier asking for an open relationship at the beginning of your relationship rather than being married for 20 years then dropping the bomb.

She married you thinking you're the only one for her and i'm sure you did also at some point before you started sneaking out.

It sounds like you just want honesty with your wife that the guilt of playing around is getting to you ,theres nothing wrong with that, except she will feel betrayed all those years and feel devastated.

So if I were you I wouldn't tell her unless your willing to take the chance of losing your marriage.Thats why honesty in the beginning gets you what you want

and what you don't want in most cases. We all learn the hard way .The choices we make have consequences.

 

[Lily Divine]

I have found that it is rarely convertible from monogamy to open relationship unless it is initiated by the woman or comes out of circumstances such as illness or newly realized interest in the same gender.

If someone manages to pull off an open relationship the keys are ground rules and honesty. One omission or white lie will cause everything to fail.

Good luck and happy hobbying (I think it is likely a better fit).

 

[needinit]

I've been told by my SO: "I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you come home for dinner!" - pretty clear to me, no messing around (which I don't when in a relationship) and I also don't need to as she is very willing. I still look and occasionally have a beer at an SC. Have thought it would be nice, though, to go to an MP sometimes for the imagery/memory of the session later on!

 

[wild4sex]

Lots of good input, thanks.

I don't feel guilty, but I wish things were different. In Europe it seems men can keep mistresses and the wifes are OK with it. Is that a total fantasy. Most likely yes at least with most women.

I agree with what butler1000 said - open relationships are good when both parties want it. That is certainly not the case for me.
The other situation that seems to work is where one of the two partners are unable or choose not to have sex for some reason.

I plan to tread very lightly, danger looms ahead. Not sure where its all going.

 

[GameBoy27]

If you want a female perspective, don't ever tell your wife and keep the two separate. A lot of wives don't appreciate your testosterone and expect you to be faithful and I think she will hit the roof or worse. Wives expect and are under the false assumption of monogamy. Let her stay in her fantasy as it makes her stable and confident. The worse thing you could to is to blow up her myth. It would make her feel inadequate, unloved, used, betrayed, less desired, less happy within the marriage- it would have devastating consequences.

I agree 100% its either all or nothing and since you started the relationship with a monogamous arrangement then best to keep playing that role

It's a lot easier asking for an open relationship at the beginning of your relationship rather than being married for 20 years then dropping the bomb.

She married you thinking you're the only one for her and i'm sure you did also at some point before you started sneaking out.

It sounds like you just want honesty with your wife that the guilt of playing around is getting to you ,theres nothing wrong with that, except she will feel betrayed all those years and feel devastated.

So if I were you I wouldn't tell her unless your willing to take the chance of losing your marriage.Thats why honesty in the beginning gets you what you want

and what you don't want in most cases. We all learn the hard way .The choices we make have consequences.

I have found that it is rarely convertible from monogamy to open relationship unless it is initiated by the woman or comes out of circumstances such as illness or newly realized interest in the same gender.

If someone manages to pull off an open relationship the keys are ground rules and honesty. One omission or white lie will cause everything to fail.

Good luck and happy hobbying (I think it is likely a better fit).

All bang on!

When I met my wife we went to wicked and a couple swinger parties early on which set the tone for our relationship. We don't have a totally open relationship as we play together in the form of FFM threesomes or soft swap with couples. She gives me a fair bit of freedom when we play which is why I don't see SPs. I will go for the odd lap dance or to a MP once in a while but that's it.

As for the OP, as soon as you tell your wife you want to have sex with someone else, it's over. I think the best you could do is see if she's interested in going a club like Oasis. You never know, she may have a fantasy of watching another couple or even being with a girl. Good luck!

 

[GPIDEAL]

Good points. Women have egos, just the same as men.

Couples will seek an open relationship when they want to wander, but convince themselves that the still love each other. Once the facade of intimacy is gone, it's like living with a roommate, or friends sharing a house. Someone eventually gets hurts.

Do you think this is true for all open relationships?

(Swinging couples are different as they partake in that activity together, and I've seen loving couples where the guy let's his wife get nailed by a different guy every two or three weeks).

 

[GPIDEAL]

So I really think you need to think carefully on this one. Are there kids involved?

As long as you are discrete, take care of your shit at home(sex with her, treat her right) then the only thing that is an issue appesrs to be your own guilt.

I reconciled mine long ago. I don't allow the hobby to ever interfere in my relationship. It always comes first. Don't let your sexual impulses be the driving force to your life. Treat it as it should be if all is well other than wanting a bit on the side. As just that, I bit on the side.

I'm pretty sure you will lose the relationship. If she doesn't have a high sex drive now do you really think she will understand. Couples in open relationships tend to BOTH want variety. That's the ones that work.

Excellent advice (as well as from the ladies herein).

Total honesty most likely will result in divorce. If the guilt is so unbearable that you must separate, then you must be prepared for that and what it entails. For older couples with grown children and strong finances, divorce may be a more desirable option, if you can't tolerate each other or can't continue the lie.

 

[zefroggy]

In Europe it seems men can keep mistresses and the wifes are OK with it. Is that a total fantasy. .

It's a myth! Like my French wife told me in the early days: " If I catch you cheating, don't expect a divorce. I'll ruin your life, take everything and then maybe let you go!"

So yes, most women will turn a blind eye on some odd behaviour just like your wife most likely do. But for both your sakes, just keep it shut or keep it in your pants. Nothing good will come out of it.

 

[Samantha Jones]

no relationships- just fun. in the 'dating' world, other people know you are dating and vice versa.. no need for possession or labels. simple