Need Ms Abby advice

[Herodotus]

Yes, I concur - this guy kinda reminds me of the lead characters in "The Collector" and "Felicia's Journey".

 

[fuji]

When you were 20 fuji, did you think 30 was old?

Absolutely. I did. I thought what kind of loser would have to date someone 10 years older than they are?

(Now that I'm the 10 years older guy I see it differently)

Good Lord man, she's not 14!
People used to regularly get married in their early 20's, and a Girl was NOT looking for youth, but maturity and comfort.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it, in fact, I'd go for it myself. I'm just making the objective statement that a lot of 20 year olds (but not all) think a 30 year old guy is a creepy old man and they're not interested.

 

[red]

When you were 20 fuji, did you think 30 was old?
Good Lord man, she's not 14!
People used to regularly get married in their early 20's, and a Girl was NOT looking for youth, but maturity and comfort.
What does some 20 yr old Guitar player offer?
Maybe he's the next Eddie Van Halen. Probably not.Probably he'll bum from couch to couch, do the odd gig at the 'Shoe, and look for the next groupie to play hide the Salami with.
A 30 yr old guy with a house IMHO has a lot more to offer then some 20 yr old bum.

don't trust anyone over 30.

can you dig it, man?

 

[Diode]

Absolutely. I did. I thought what kind of loser would have to date someone 10 years older than they are?

(Now that I'm the 10 years older guy I see it differently)

Really? I thought at 20, that people had much more fun when they were in their 30's.
They were out of school, had money, and able to sleep with people without having to meet "the Parents"
Cocktails vs beer cans, House partys rather than bondfires, beter cars...etc.

Reminds me of the first High School Dance I went to.
I was a tad nervous(grade 9), bu ready to ask the girls to dance.
When within a half hour, a cute grade 13 ( yeah we had Gr 13) girl asked ME to dance.
She was sweet, and gentle, and gave me a sweet kiss after a few songs.
Were my friends ever envious!

 

[train]

I agree with you, if wetnose was interested in her he should have made his move. He didn't though. He played it slow and became "the friend". Game over.

I agree but I also like the idea of hiring a his own "screamer". It may be an opportunity to eliminate the a-sexual way she seems to regard wetnose.

 

[ASYLUM]

I really don't think you have a chance.
First of all speaking as a female I wouldn't room with someone i was interested in or found attractive (thats just a recipe for distaster) so sorry to say but i don't think she had any inerest at all.
and although I'm sure she enjoyed your company and support after her break up, you're still in the friend zone. and guys in the friend zone tend to stay in that zone forever.
I had a friend that had an obsession with me similar to yours, and he voiced his feeling several times and i just made me uncomfortable and sick to my stomach because i never looked at him that way and i never will. i told him if he ever said anything like that again i couldnt be friends with him anymore.
so my suggestion: get over it.

 

[wetnose]

Dude, it doesn't sound like she made a bad decision, sounds like a single(?) girl had some great sex. How is that a bad decision?

Dream on, if she's 20 and you're 30 she thinks you're an old man. Doesn't mean nothing is possible but it's a stretch.

Let's say she really falls hard for this guy - well, hell, once she steps on that airplane outa here, her heart is going to crack. Her previous bf subjected her to lots of heartache (they had lots of history together) so it looks like round 2 only with another guy.

Up until 3 or 4 days ago, I thought she was still going out with the previous boyfriend, which is why I never made a move on her. On Saturday, she was telling me she was going to visit him etc etc.

 

[alexmst]

You made the leap to "guy friend"
Sorry.
Get a yourself a nice outcall and make sure that she screams.
ALOT.

I would agree you're on the 'freind' ladder (see laddertheory.com). I have been on the friend ladder a few times over the years - often with girls my own age when I was in my 20's. It sucks when you like the girl and she tells you about her b/f encounters the previous night and asks "what were you doing last night?" With me it came about becasue I made a move, got rebuffed, then went along with the friend thing hoping I'd get to jump over to the romantic ladder later. While this jump did happen on one occassion - and it was a mess - the other times it didn't. What happens is torture for you as she has sex with other guys she meets, tells you about it, and thinks it's just a tidbit of info to make your day interesting when it is tearing up your insides. I feel for you, brother. I never put myself it that position again - if rebuffed I just take it and GO without trying to be friends with hope of future promotion.

I'm not saying guys and gals can't be friends - I am friends with a 20's college gal currently and have a good time talking to her. She tells me about her love life and dating fiascos and I tell her about some aspects of my love-live/dating attempts with girls her age and she gives me pointers and I give her pointers (I don't talk about the hobby or fight club though). She's a blast to chat with. While attractive, she isn't my body type per se, so I never felt drawn to her that way. If she would all of a sudden tell me she wanted to sleep with me, I'd go fo it as she is attractive, but as she isn't my type I have no interest in pursuing her unless she pursued me. The end result is a great friendship where we both talk about dating others and share stories and insights. The trick is you have to not have the hots for her if she is a friend - then you aren't effected if she tells you about who she banged yesterday - it really is just an interesting tidbit. If you want to have sex with her though this kind of freindship is imposssible as she'll be ripping your guts out everytime she talks to you, or else you'll be making her uncomfortable all the time. Either way it will be a mess and not likley to result in sex.

So, your only hope in the case of the girl in your house is to make your intentions known to her and prepare for the probable rejection. If she has meals with you, watches movies, etc have her up for a meal and be honest. Say, "You know, as we've spent more time together I'm surprised to have found that I find myself more and more drawn to you in an intimate way. I didn't see it at first but the other night when I heard you with the other guy I felt funny, and then realized it was pangs of jealousy. I was amazed at that and thought while I always liked you, I must have real feelings for you. I don't know if you feel this way for me, but now that I've discovered my feelings for you are that intense I wanted to share my feelings with you and see what you thought." Chances are she will feel ill at ease because she doesn't have feelings for you, but since you have played the soft nice guy so long, you're better to keep with that soft appraoch rather than go Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde on her. If she says she doesn't have those feelings for you, say OK but ask her to turn up her stereo when she has the muscian over as hearing them go at it pains you. If she doesn't turn it up, then get an outcall SP her age.

Hey, maybe she'll say she always liked you, but since you never put the moves on her she got frustrated and got the musician...

 

[wetnose]

UPdate

Here's the update...

We did have dinner and I asked her about him...

So is he coming around more often...?
Maybe...

Her response wasn't "ugh NOO, he has bad breath - what was I thinking????"

So it appears that it was just a 1 time fling, hardly a commitment. So I was hopeful, for a few days...

I did ask her about starting something after she came back from her work placement and she was open to it...we kinda joked about it but I didn't do a full out declaration of my feelings.

But c'mon, I'm realistic about my chances. She was only saying that to protect my feelings. Once she comes back, she's going to call mr musician guy and they'll be doing it all over again. I'm only setting myself up for disappointment if I believe her.

When he dropped by again, the chemistry between them is undeniable - she sits/stands a lot closer to him, hangs on his every word, sneaks a feel, etc etc. She doesn't treat me like that. Probably never will. That night I slept in the basement because I didn't want to hear them going at it again.

Classic example of someone saying 1 thing and doing another.

Oh well. I guess I did save myself from a bullet because our chemistry is way more subdued...we appreciate and like each other, but it's only as friends. If we had gotten serious she would have ditched me if a better opportunity had presented himself. Wouldn't any girl? Loyalty is rare in this world.

Too bad. I'm just disappointed that no matter what I make or what I own, it still ain't worth a hill of beans compared to Mr musician guy. Her choice, though, not mine. Now all I have to do is just wait for her to leave.

 

[baci2004]

But c'mon, I'm realistic about my chances. She was only saying that to protect my feelings. Once she comes back, she's going to call mr musician guy and they'll be doing it all over again. I'm only setting myself up for disappointment if I believe her.

If we had gotten serious she would have ditched me if a better opportunity had presented himself. Wouldn't any girl? Loyalty is rare in this world.

Too bad. I'm just disappointed that no matter what I make or what I own, it still ain't worth a hill of beans compared to Mr musician guy. Her choice, though, not mine.

Now all I have to do is just wait for her to leave

.

You might consider working on your self esteem.

 

[alexmst]

Here's the update...

I did ask her about starting something after she came back from her work placement and she was open to it...we kinda joked about it but I didn't do a full out declaration of my feelings.

But c'mon, I'm realistic about my chances. She was only saying that to protect my feelings. Once she comes back, she's going to call mr musician guy and they'll be doing it all over again. I'm only setting myself up for disappointment if I believe her.

.

I think you need to get up the nerve to her about your feelings in a "full declaration" way. If you think it is hopeless, at least you will be sparing yourself having to listen to her and the musician going at it because, as I posted earlier, you can say that since you have feelings for her it bothers you too much to hear her going at it with Ringo, and so she should see the guy only at his place (or Motel 6 if he is homeless and lives in a tree) or else she should respect your feelings by looking for a new apartment. If you don't stand up for yourself she's never going to respect you. Better to have her repsect you and not do you rather than not respect you and not do you. Best case, she has a relationship with you. Worst case, she moves in with Ringo and you don't have to sleep in your basement or listen to them going at it under your roof. Somewhere in between in desirability is she sees both you and him But all of these possible outcomes seem better than the current situation. It is no fun listening/seeing the girl one is pining away for doing another guy, all the more so when you think the other guy is beneath you in quality.

 

[Moraff]

Here's the update...

We did have dinner and I asked her about him...

So is he coming around more often...?
Maybe...

Her response wasn't "ugh NOO, he has bad breath - what was I thinking????"

So it appears that it was just a 1 time fling, hardly a commitment. So I was hopeful, for a few days...

I did ask her about starting something after she came back from her work placement and she was open to it...we kinda joked about it but I didn't do a full out declaration of my feelings.

But c'mon, I'm realistic about my chances. She was only saying that to protect my feelings. Once she comes back, she's going to call mr musician guy and they'll be doing it all over again. I'm only setting myself up for disappointment if I believe her.

When he dropped by again, the chemistry between them is undeniable - she sits/stands a lot closer to him, hangs on his every word, sneaks a feel, etc etc. She doesn't treat me like that. Probably never will. That night I slept in the basement because I didn't want to hear them going at it again.

Classic example of someone saying 1 thing and doing another.

Oh well. I guess I did save myself from a bullet because our chemistry is way more subdued...we appreciate and like each other, but it's only as friends. If we had gotten serious she would have ditched me if a better opportunity had presented himself. Wouldn't any girl? Loyalty is rare in this world.

Too bad. I'm just disappointed that no matter what I make or what I own, it still ain't worth a hill of beans compared to Mr musician guy. Her choice, though, not mine. Now all I have to do is just wait for her to leave.

So you chickened out in taking the plunge on telling her how you felt and you are justifying it by saying that she would have dumped you anyways. From what you're saying yes it is likely that she prefers Mr. Musician to you, but having never thrown your hat in the ring for consideration, you'll never know.

Dude you ought to consider getting some therapy for your lack of confidence/self-esteem before it gets worse. Right now it's just this girl, next it could be "well no point in going in to work, they're just gonna fire me when they find someone better."

 

[wetnose]

Thanks for the posts, it has given me some thought. Perhaps I was too hasty? Truth is, I've had terrible luck in dating (which is why I'm on an SP forum, after all) and what appears like low self esteem - dudes, that's my reality. Sure as hell I'm no tall dark handsome dude. In the clubs I might as well be invisible.

As far as work goes, I can stand up with the best of them but it's the romance door that keeps getting slammed in my face. Sometimes my fingers get in the way too.

See here's what I've noticed...when we're together at home, she puts on a "dating" face...i.e a semi effort to try and impress me. She's not the same way with her other platonic guy friends or classmates. If she really didn't care for what I thought of her, then she wouldn't treat me any different. So 1 point in my favor.

She has left the door open for me (i.e. pursuing a relationship when she comes back) so there are 2 possibilities:

1) yes she's interested
2) she's not interested but just telling me that so she doesn't have to hurt my feelings

If it's 1, I wonder though...can a girl be interested in someone but yet be banging someone else?

See here's where I think men and women diverge. Men would say no, but some women might say yes. What I have to figure out is which side of the fence she stands on i.e. how sincere she is. Maybe she does have some interest and I'm being too premature in writing it off.

 

[tboy]

While there have been good posts all along, I say do it the old fashioned way: get her drunk. I mean, if it wasn't for alcohol half the couples in the world would never have hooked up to begin with!

I'm not advising getting her smashed and then jumping her, but alcohol loosens inhibitions (you AND her) and it might be a way for you to relax enough to make your move. Bravado in a bottle I think it's called.

What I'd suggest is: I don't know when she's leaving but ask her out on a date. Plain and simple. The premise would be to take her out for a night on the town as a going away party type thing. Take her to dinner, (wine) take her to a club to dance (shooters) and then take her home, then just take her lol.....

I tell you, honestly, without booze I probably wouldn't have gotten laid as much as I have, and no, I didn't ply them with alchohol, but when a woman drinks, two things happen: her inhibitions fall away and I've found she's a lot more flirtatious and if you play your cards right, you can turn those flirtations into something more.

I know one time I had a female friend and one night it turned into a "friend with benefits". She too was leaving to attend school out west. So I asked her out to dinner like months before she was to leave because we hadn't seen each other in a while.

So we had a nice dinner and the evening was still young so I said, let's go shoot some pool. She was up for it. So while we were playing she says we should bet loser buys a round. I said, that's not fair, I don't drink so if I win it'll cost me like 10 bucks for a drink for you, and you 2 bucks for me. She says "what is the wager then"? I said, hmmm if I win you give me a big wet one and if you win, I buy a round. She said sure! (she was pretty cocky at pool). So, needless to say I won, and got a big wet one.....We played about 5 more games and I won 4 of them.....(I kind of think she lost a couple on purpose).

After that she says let's go dance (we were at Berlin's on Yonge) and next thing I know she's rubbin' her bum all up in me etc and next thing I know, we're back at her place doing you know what.....

So, I suggest you try the same. If you play it right you're good to go.

For the record, I hadn't planned for that to happen and never set out for it to be that way. While I always thought she was a cutie, and always wondered what it would be like, I really didn't have any ulterior motive. I actually didn't think she would have accepted my wager but hey, you can't win if you dont' try!!!

 

[wetnose]

I did consider walking away - see my post from yesterday. But on 2nd thought, I've never met anyone like her. Yes, there are hotter girls and yes there are nicer girls, but she's the whole package. Maybe I will meet somebody better but can I say that for sure?

Which is why I'm still hanging in there, considering my options.

I don't intend to start a relationship right away since she's leaving for a year but I just need to know if I'm in her future.

I've been in the hobby for about 9 years and lately...I've found that it isn't as satisfying as it used to be. It's like going to a chinese restaurant - sure it's delicious but 2 hours later you get hungry again.

Maybe because I'm older now and getting the nesting instinct. It'd be nice to come home and to belong to someone.

 

[wetnose]

After that she says let's go dance (we were at Berlin's on Yonge) and next thing I know she's rubbin' her bum all up in me etc and next thing I know, we're back at her place doing you know what.....

I actually didn't think she would have accepted my wager but hey, you can't win if you dont' try!!!

Awesome story tboy. Just as Fuji said - can't win a lottery if you don't buy a ticket...

 

[tboy]

Awesome story tboy. Just as Fuji said - can't win a lottery if you don't buy a ticket...

See, that's the thing about flirting: you're "innocently" testing the waters.....doing it the way I suggested allows you to test the waters without fear of her getting all offended and po'd at you.

See, I think the only only difference between a friend, and a girlfriend is that you haven't crossed over to the good side yet. Hell, we hear all the time that a lot of women end up with a guy they only ever thought of as a friend.

Who knows? If she likes you maybe she too is thinking that if she crosses over into the romantic zone that she'd lose you as a friend?

One of the good things about my plan is if she's upset in the morning and doesn't want to pursue it you can always chalk it up to the alcohol and laugh it off lol. You know: Hey, sorry if I offended you last night, I had a little too much to drink.....and if she says: hey thanks ok, I enjoyed it? You're IN dude.....

 

[lookingforitallthetime]

If it's 1, I wonder though...can a girl be interested in someone but yet be banging someone else?

With the majority of women, this is unlikely. This was why I thought you had no chance from the beginning.

Keep in mind it's a generalization but men and women are usually very different in this regard. Most women I've encountered wouldn't be able to bang somone else in the next room if they were interested in you.

At least that's been my experience or understanding.

 

[tboy]

With the majority of women, this is unlikely. This was why I thought you had no chance from the beginning.

Keep in mind it's a generalization but men and women are usually very different in this regard. Most women I've encountered wouldn't be able to bang somone else in the next room if they were interested in you.

At least that's been my experience or understanding.

I agree, but I have encountered women who would do this just to make the guy in the other room jealous.....

 

[lookingforitallthetime]

I agree, but I have encountered women who would do this just to make the guy in the other room jealous.....

Yes, I have too but I don't believe this is what wetnose's boarder is doing.