marriage
- Thread starter Figure8
- Start date
Wives find out (or suspect) all the time, but they rarely confront.
So when they do, you have to ask yourself why.
Almost always it's about a power shift or about better positioning in a break up.
Watch out.
If your wife has caught you AND she's confronting you, you need to look at all the possibilities before you respond.
..c..
(and yeah, I'm a wife of 25 years too, and I'm saying this -- so it's not like I have a limited perspective on this)
So when they do, you have to ask yourself why.
Almost always it's about a power shift or about better positioning in a break up.
Watch out.
If your wife has caught you AND she's confronting you, you need to look at all the possibilities before you respond.
..c..
(and yeah, I'm a wife of 25 years too, and I'm saying this -- so it's not like I have a limited perspective on this)
I'm sorry, but what the fuck? If you can't hide it from your wife you deserve to get caught. I have no sympathy.Figure8 said:
Having been on the receiving end as a wife, I can tell you what I would have wanted - a sincere and full confession. It would be tough, but I would have appreciated it more than denial and lame excuses. Second, you should look deep in your soul to figure out whether you are willing to re-commit to her 100%, without the "it's nothing, just sex" argument lingering in your mind. Don't start making promises about how it will all be different, you'll change, you'll focus on us, etc, unless you really, really mean it. You owe her that much. And, if you don't think that that is something you can really follow through on, be kind, and let her go to find someone who doesn't cheat on her.
Wondering, if he had given you exactly what you asked for, a sincere and full confession, would it have been enough for you? Would you have even believed it was a sincere and full confession? Would the confession not have made you even more angry?ottawajordan said:
It would most definitely not have been enough for me, but if he would have admitted to the extent that I already knew about, I would have at least appreciated the honesty. The confession would not have made me more angry. In fact, his denial made me more angry than any confession would have. I already done all my detective work, and knew all the details, so if he would have confessed, I would have known if he was telling the truth. I told him I knew, I told him I wanted to hear his version, and he couldn't even admit to ever doing it, while getting all indignant and defensive. Cowardly, on top of a cheat in my book. I knew then, we didn't have a chance. Now, he is claiming he's going to change, loves me more than anything, etc, but too little too late for me.bjsk90 said:
Wow, really appreciate you sharing your thoughts here with us but curious about
(i) what would you expect him to do in the short term for you to consider accepting him again???
(ii) in the long term???
(iii) how did you find out for sure he cheated on you??? Was he just pure dumb leaving evidences or signs everywhere or were you just a bit too smart for him???
(i) what would you expect him to do in the short term for you to consider accepting him again???
(ii) in the long term???
(iii) how did you find out for sure he cheated on you??? Was he just pure dumb leaving evidences or signs everywhere or were you just a bit too smart for him???
ottawajordan said:
* finishes reading this thread --- clicks on Tools, Options, Clear Browsing History NOW ! *
sorry, I think you say as much as you need to get off your chest but don't tell every detail ... my brother in law almost got divorced over a stupid lap dance that "friends" teased his wife about. He came clean - too clean - and she was ready to end it there and then.
for those still hobbying with wives, you can still talk to your wife about your relationship and work at it --- just as hard as you work at your hobby. Give her a chance to make the relationship work and meet your needs. If she isn't willing to change, then she shouldn't be surprised if you go looking elsewhere.
sorry, I think you say as much as you need to get off your chest but don't tell every detail ... my brother in law almost got divorced over a stupid lap dance that "friends" teased his wife about. He came clean - too clean - and she was ready to end it there and then.
for those still hobbying with wives, you can still talk to your wife about your relationship and work at it --- just as hard as you work at your hobby. Give her a chance to make the relationship work and meet your needs. If she isn't willing to change, then she shouldn't be surprised if you go looking elsewhere.
I see, then it's a little bit of a different situation for you. You had already found out all of the facts ahead of time through detective work. But I don't think most other wives are even at that level when they find out something is amiss and confront. They have incomplete facts, and wouldn't a husband telling them everything, make these wives even more angry? They'll be given facts that they weren't even aware of.ottawajordan said:
In the short term, I would have wanted him to come clean, first. It would have made me think we hadn't lost everything. Then, I would have wanted him to take some time and think about whether he wanted to continue this relationship, and I would do the same. If we both felt like continuing, I would have loved to have an honest discussion about both our needs and expectations. I'm not totally blaming him, I am for the deceit, but I'm not perfect, and I would have been willing to hear why he was doing what he was, and if it was something in our relationship that was missing that could be changed. I would have liked to have discussed what I felt was missing too. I guess if we then decided to work on it, I would like to have had 100% sincerity and honest effort on his part. For the long term, I'd like for us to keep our commitment. Oh, and I think some couples counselling might have helped just to get us going down the right path in a constructive way. I wouldn't have wanted our discussions to have turned into a screaming match of what the other was doing that was annoying the other. How'd I find out? I guess my women's intuition kicked in, and I just felt like something was going on so I started looking for clues. I didn't confront until I knew exactly what was going on, for how long, etc. Anyways, in my opinion, if this is was hobby he couldn't give up but he still wanted to keep his marriage, then that's fine, but only if both partners in the marriage are in agreement. For him to change the philosophy of our marriage without my knowledge or acceptance, was wrong for him to do, as he didn't even give me the option of either trying to meet his needs (that I didn't even know weren't being met). In the end I would not have agreed to his version of an open marriage, so the end result may have been the same, but at least I would not have had these feelings of betrayal and wouldn't have lost complete confidence in my sense of judgement.gmuoo said:
I understand your point. Every situation is different, and I think every wife probably reacts differently. I felt like the trust had been completely shattered, but if he would have confirmed what I already knew, then I would have seen a glimmer of hope that we had a chance to get that trust back. What was even worse, in my mind, was that even when I told him I knew, he still chose to bluff, and that's was turned my mind against even trying. I'm trying to now see it as an opportunity, as opposed to a big heartbreak, but it's not easy.bjsk90 said:
well I dont envy your position ...cant say what I would do if I were exposed to my SO. Denial can make matters worse if she really knows for sure, but most woman profess to know more than they really do and us men fill them in by admitting.
What kind of a new opportunity do you mean? Revenge? New relationships? Detective agency?ottawajordan said:
As many of us have been through divorces and other problems I highly agree with counselling no matter what.ottawajordan said:
I actually would have suggested that before confronting him you try and get him to go to counselling and confront him in a controlled enviroment.
Now even if the relationship is done....I still recomend you both go to councelling together to help you learn to communicate again...especially if there are kids.
having a referee there during the heated moments works wonders...believe me!!!
It's well known that LE is checking out these boards, how many wives are doing the same?
She finds terb in your internet history, clicks to check it out, the cookies were not cleared, so it signs you in automatically. She now has access to your handle and everything you posted. If she's smart, she then creates her own handle just to keep tabs.
Brings new meaning to the phrase "play safe".
She finds terb in your internet history, clicks to check it out, the cookies were not cleared, so it signs you in automatically. She now has access to your handle and everything you posted. If she's smart, she then creates her own handle just to keep tabs.
Brings new meaning to the phrase "play safe".
